I must, then, repeat continually that we are for ever sundered - and yet, while I breathe and think, I must love him. Jane Eyre.
The day had been exhausting. She had had enough of his behavior; she had tried to understand but there is only so much she could justify to their companions. He had insulted her when she was only trying to help that elven girl then abandoned them in that cave to run Maker knows where. She had checked all the possible places he could be, the Hanged Man, his mansion, the rooftops they usually used to drink and talk, even the Chantry but he was just nowhere to be found.
"Please Fenris, please tell me you didn't leave Kirkwall, please tell me you're drunk on some new roof I couldn't check, please Fenris don't leave me" she whispered almost like a prayer finally walking back home.
To her surprise he was there, waiting at her foyer. She sighed his name in relief and almost stepped closer to hug him but at the last second remembered who she was really dealing with and stood stoic waiting for him to talk first.
"I came here to apologize. I took my anger on you undeservingly"
She wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily "I'd rather get less apologies and more explanations"
His eyes were burning with rage. "I can't explain. It is just too much to bear."
He stood up and turned to leave. Hawke stepped in his way and softly held his arm to stop him from leaving "Fenris, please"
The touch overwhelmed him. He didn't know what it was or how to handle it and Hawke couldn't tell what her touch did to him.
"Talk to me" she whispered looking into his eyes, moving her hand up to caress his cheek.
He looked so scared and vulnerable, if only for a second.
The change was so sudden, she barely distinguished it. Fear turned into pure hatred. The lyrium burnt in his skin and the glow was almost blinding.
"Do not touch me!" He growled with such resentment shoving her against the wall looking straight into her eyes, but it wasn't Hawke anymore, for a moment he was back in Tevinter being used by Danarius. And he was fighting him. How had he dared to do this? He would pay for this with pain.
His fear became too much it escaped from his grasp and passed unto her.
When he could see clearly again, she was pinned against his breastplate and the cold wall, her eyes had the ethereal color of lyrium. It would have been beautiful if she hadn't been mumbling in tongues looking as terrified as he did just a heartbeat ago. Her entire body started shacking as if she were convulsing.
He had to get some help. He softly sat her, resting her against the wall so he could run through the passage that goes from Hawke's mansion to Anders' clinic.
Anders awoke from his slumber as Fenris entered the clinic kicking open the door and shouting to the top of his lungs "Mage! Where are you?"
"Louder, Meredith didn't hear you!" He said rubbing his eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room.
"Hawke, something happened to her"
That was all Anders needed to shove Fenris out of the way getting some vials. "What did you do to her?" he snarled.
"Are you implying that I hurt her?" he answered in the same manner.
"No, I am sure you did. But I have to make sure she's fine before I kill you" he said hurrying to the passage.
When they got to the mansion Hawke was no longer where Fenris had left her. Anders looked in the library while Fenris ran upstairs to look in her room but her door was locked. He had never entered her room. He wouldn't dare to enter without her permission. He just stood there, his hand hovering on the knob.
"Maker Fenris, grow a pair" breathed Anders and pushed him to the side to open the door.
"Anders?" Hawke said from the bed, dagger in hand as he hurried to her bed "Fenris? What are you two doing here?"
Fenris just stood by the threshold while Anders got in healer mode examining her.
"What are you doing?" she asked yanking back her hand from him.
"How are you feeling? Are you hurt? Do you feel faint? Dizzy? Have you eaten recently?" he asked taking back her hand taking her pulse with one hand and checking her temperature with the other.
"What are you talking about?"
In all of the confusion while Anders was trying to check Hawke's general state, Fenris caught a glint from her eyes. There were some silver streaks across her black irises or maybe it was his imagination playing tricks on him, either way Anders would know what to do. "How did you get to your room?" Fenris asked.
"Walking? What do you mean?"
"I think you should keep an eye on her" Fenris said in a low tone "for the night." Anders answered with a quick nod.
"Who let you in anyway?"
Anders cut in the middle of her questioning "You seem just fine but I'll stay here in case something comes up"
"What? Stay? Why? No" she protested pulling the covers up to her chin like a small child.
"Please Hawke; it's for your own good" Fenris looked directly at Anders and gave him a threatening look "I'll come back in the morning" and left.
Hawke muttered something that sounded like a curse and slumped back in bed. She observed Anders awkwardly looking around toying with his sleeve.
"Well aren't you even going to sit down?"
"Oh yes, I'm sorry" and sat on the chair next to the bed.
"Today was exhausting and now I don't have the energy to ask what all of that was so I'll let you do your healer thing as long as you let me sleep"
He seemed to struggle with something. He was just trying to phrase his questions in a way she wouldn't feel interrogated nor attacked.
"Just answer me this" She rolled her eyes knowing it wasn't going to be just one question "Did he do something to you?"
She sighed feeling extremely jaded "You mean other than disappear in the middle of a mission?"
"Yes, besides that" his worried frown just annoyed her more "Did he come to see you when you got home?"
"No. I think I'd remember if he had shoved his fist in my chest. You know you can't hide that sort of stuff" now she was using sarcasm to ignore his usual banter of 'get rid of the mage hating elf'
"I'm being serious Hawke, he came running to the clinic shouting 'Mage fix Hawke, I did something to her!'" he said imitating Fenris' voice "I couldn't help but to think of the worst"
Oh maker! That sad frown! She thought taking a deep breath to keep her temper at bay. She knew if she let him, he would start talking about the manifesto and then sleep would be unattainable.
"Well, he didn't" she said yawning faking exhaustion.
"Are you sure? I mean, you can tell me. I can help you get rid of him" he said take her hand in his.
"Oh dear Maker" she huffed taking his hand in both of hers pulling it to her chest "Seriously Anders thank you but no thank you" she said while thinking there is the Fenris banter, now he is two seconds away from turning this talk into an essay on mage oppression.
"I know you like him Hawke" He freed his hand to caress her face "but you can do so much better than that man beast"
He had crossed the line. Any other day she would have taken this talk with humor and maybe even listened to his opinions but tonight she was simply too fed up to stand it. She recoiled from his touch and glared at him.
"Just leave Anders, I'm fine"
He stood up to leave "The elf asked me not to. I'll be in your library if you need me." He went out of the room leaving the door half open.
As soon as the door shut behind Fenris he climbed to his familiar spot next to Hawke's window. He took a quick glance to make sure the mage was with her only to realize that she was alone.
"That mongrel sad excuse of a healer, I asked him one simple favor" Fenris muttered entering through the window but froze crouched at the sound of his name in Hawke's voice.
"Yes?" he whispered in response.
"No, not Fenris" her voice sounded tortured. "No Maker, no please Fenris no!" as she shouted his name, he heard steps running up the stairs. He had to leave; he was not supposed to be in her room. If she found out she would put locks in all of her windows. Not that he had ever dared to enter before but how could she be sure of that.
It hurt him to be so near her without being able to bring any comfort. It felt even worse when he realized he was being the torturer in her nightmares. She was shouting for him to stop, begging him to stop.
He decided he shouldn't interfere anymore. He had brought enough trouble in her life to hunt her dreams as well.
Anders reached her bed and touched her forehead, she was boiling with fever. He sent a wave of healing magic all over her body. Focused on trying to find out what was wrong, she caught him off guard and pinned him to the bed with a strong hold on his throat.
"Do not dare to touch me filthy mage" she spat at him.
"Hawke it's me, let go, you're chocking me" he managed to say.
But she couldn't hear anymore, she was being driven by pure anger that came from witnessing Fenris' torture in her dreams. Except it did not feel like a dream.
She had seen him spread on the altar being cut open and burnt with lyrium. His screams had been imprinted in her mind so clearly she wasn't able to listen to anything else. She had felt his pain, the burning sensation spreading fast all over her body, the need to tear at her skin to make it stop, kept bound and alive by blood magic, aware but powerless.
He was about to fall unconscious when he felt Justice starting to emerge. Anders knew if he let the spirit take over he would wake up to find an unpleasant surprise. One of them wouldn't see the sun rise again. Instead he decided to send a bolt of electricity strong enough to knock her out for a few moments. When he had tucked her in bed again he collapsed on the chair feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. Justice was quickly taking over him. Lately he was having problems keeping the spirit in control. Against his better judgement he stayed in her room, trying hard to keep an eye on her fighting back exhaustion.
He noticed he had fallen asleep when her little sobs woke him. He approached her this time careful not to touch her.
"I feel like my heart is breaking" she said extending her hand to him. He held it and kissed it lightly.
"Hawke, what did he do to you?" he asked climbing to bed and holding her to his chest. She didn't respond, just nudged her head in his feathers and placed her hand under his robes where the tunic wasn't covering him, pulling him closer to her.
The contact was unexpected but not unwanted. He had imagined this one too many times but not under this circumstances. "I got you, now you're safe" he whispered kissing the top of her head as she drifted back to sleep.