AN: This story is based on the song "Landing in London" by 3 Doors Down. You can find it here: watch?v=rguhxKEBlr4
I don't own the song, the characters or Criminal Minds. I really wish I owned Derek Morgan, but alas, no such luck. Enjoy-this is my first fanfic and really my first attempt at creative writing since my school days!
"I woke up today in London
As the plane was touching down
All I could think about was Monday
When maybe I would be back around
If this keeps me away much longer
I don't know what I will do
You've got to understand it's a hard life
That I'm going through"
SSA Derek Morgan settled into the comfortable leather seat of the team's private jet, weary and worn from another case. Sometimes the flight home was the worst . . . overcome with exhaustion, but scared of the dreams that might come with sleep. He put on his headphones-music helped drown out the stuff in his head. There were times it wasn't enough to keep the images away though. Some cases were worse than others. Some cases could get into your head, no matter how hard you tried to stay objective. This had been one of those cases. His own traumatic childhood colored his experiences, making it so easy for him to relate to so many of the young victims he had met in his years with the BAU.
As his teammates settled around him and the plane prepared for takeoff, he took a mental inventory of those intense, personal cases. In part, he did it to keep his mind off of the latest horror. He also did it to remind himself of the good that came from that horror. For every horrible memory, there was the knowledge that they had caught a perpetrator and prevented him from causing additional harm. Although it was hard not to think of those that could have been saved if they could have caught on just a bit sooner.
He thought of Ellie Spicer, who had been forced to watch as her father was gunned down by a deranged man the press had dubbed "The Prince of Darkness". Derek would never forget her for so many reasons-he had been there to witness it too. And he could relate to her on another level, having lost his own father in a similarly horrific way so many years ago. He thought of how that scared little girl and snuck away from her foster family and flown cross country to see him, because she had no one else to turn to. Then he couldn't help but smile as he remembered how Penelope had done something no one else could do, simply because he had asked her to. While he was away doing what he did, his baby girl had taken care of Ellie and had found her estranged mother. Because of her, Ellie and her mother had been reunited. And now, 3 years later, that little girl lived a semi-normal childhood. Derek still kept in touch with her-she sounded happy and vibrant whenever he spoke with her, excited about all the things a child of her age should be. And he knew none of that would have been possible without Penelope Garcia.
But then, hardly anything they did would be possible without her. He thought about that for a moment. Thought about how quickly she managed to narrow down their lists of leads by cross referencing, searching, and working her magic. He had meant what he had said a few years ago in Alaska, that they really couldn't do it without her. She was instrumental in helping them catch the bad guys. And, just as importantly, she kept their spirits up in the midst of all the darkness. Even from her office in Quantico, when thousands of miles separated her from the rest of the team, she managed to bring light and brightness to the horror.
"And when the night falls in around me
And I don't think I'll make it through
I'll use your light to guide my way
All I think about is you."
Penelope. As often was the case when he was upset over a case that hit close to home, he had snapped at her. He knew EXACTLY the terror, pain, and helplessness those boys felt, and it had been eating him alive. She had called, joking with him, and he had taken her head off, as he often did when he was stressed. She had brushed it off, gotten the job done, and helped them get their perpetrator. Afterward, she had called him to tell him random little bits of information and make plans for the next day, letting him know that he was not only forgiven but also that he wouldn't have to sit alone tomorrow with his demons.
"LA is getting kind of crazy
New York is getting kind of cold
Keep my head from getting lazy
I just can't wait to get back home"
She had always been there for him. Just a few months ago she had flown all the way to Chicago after the case involving his cousin, just to be there with him in the aftermath. She knew that he was beaten down and worn from the raw emotion of it, and she had made sure to be there for him. He had needed her, and she was there. He didn't even need to ask her to be. She just KNEW. He should have told her then exactly how much he loved her, but it was so soon after her finally breaking it off with Kevin Lynch. Plus they had spent the few days they had spent in Chicago afterward with his family. He had enjoyed finally having her meet his family. After seven years, it was about time. But with all that had happened and how utterly exhausted it had left him, he just couldn't bear to bring up his feelings for her. Because he just couldn't bear to think about losing her if something went wrong. So he had settled for snuggling with her at every opportunity while they had been there, and had pushed aside the speculation and questioning looks from his mother and sisters.
Yet if there was one thing he had learned from all the tragedy he had seen while working with the BAU, it was that life was fleeting. He thought about when Penelope had been shot-that was the first time it had REALLY occurred to him how much he had to lose. He thought about the horrible way Hotch had lost Haley all those years before. He had come so close in the aftermath to telling his baby girl what she was to him. But she was in a relationship, and she seemed happy, so he let it lie. He didn't care if they weren't together, as long as they weren't apart. He thought could deal without the physical aspect of their love as long as he had the rest of her. It hadn't occurred to him that it wasn't completely fair to her-he couldn't expect her to love him and be with someone else too. But she did it, and she did it well enough. But then Kevin proposed. What would he have done if she had said yes? He would have lost her. He would still see her at work but things WOULD have had to change.
"All these days I spend away
I'll make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it's all too much to bear
And when the night falls in around me
And I don't think I'll make it through
I'll use your light to guide my way
All I think about is you."
He knew the time was coming soon when he was going to have to stop being a coward and change things. They couldn't go on like this forever. It was going to be messy-there was work to consider. They loved their jobs and the thought of either of them transferring, especially on the heels of Emily's 2nd departure from the BAU, was too much to bear. But he couldn't keep waiting for someone else to come and sweep her off her feet, more completely and effectively than Kevin Lynch had managed to do. Once he finally managed to work up to REALLY telling her-and showing her-how he felt, he would spend the rest of his life making up for the fact it took him eight years to tell her.
"All these days I spend away
I'll make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it's all too much to bear
And when the night falls in around me
And I don't think I'll make it through
I'll use your light to guide my way
All I think about is you."
With those words in his ears and his baby girl's image fixed behind his closed lids, Morgan drifted off to sleep. He dreamed not of the broken, tortured children their last unsub left in his wake, but of walking through the bull pen into Penelope's office. Of seeing her smile, telling her he was sorry, and spending the next few days letting her help him remember who he really was. He knew she loved every part of him, even the broken parts that had helped shape him into the man that he was. Into the man that loved her more than he ever thought possible.