Hello and welcome to my (purposefully belated) Captain America birthday fic!
Although there really aren't any relationships in here that have anything to do with the storyline, the relationships are as follows, in case anyone wants to know: Bruce/Pepper/Tony, Clint/Natasha, Thor/Jane, and Steve/Darcy. As I said, none of the relationships play a big part in the story.
The title is a subtle nod to Voltaire's Candide, because I'm a nerd. (In it, the character of Pangloss always says that they live in "the best of all possible worlds." I couldn't think of a better title.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers.
It was the fifth of July, and Tony Stark was incredibly pissed off.
The celebrations the day before had been great, as they always were in New York. The Avengers had all hung out together for the entire day, and it had been, to quote Clint, "awesome." That wasn't what Tony was mad about. What made him mad was that, through all the celebrations, Steve hadn't mentioned once that it was his birthday yesterday. There had been no shortage of times to say it. But he had never brought it up. Tony angrily added two scoops of sugar to his coffee, then sat at the table, taking a sip.
Tony's internal grumblings were interrupted by the arrival of an adorably sleep-ruffled Bruce Banner. He yawned widely and looked at Tony with not-fully-awake eyes.
"Pepper and I were wondering why you weren't in bed," Bruce remarked mildly. About a month before, Bruce had joined Tony and Pepper's relationship, and the three were ecstatically happy together. The rest of the team had teased them relentlessly the day before, even though Thor had brought a date (Jane Foster) and Clint and Natasha had seemed suspiciously close. Steve and Darcy, whom Jane had dragged along, had spent the day as eighth and ninth wheels to the others' triple-date-that-wasn't-actually-a-triple-date. Bruce and Pepper had insisted Tony not tease anyone else, even though the entire team was making fun of them. Tony hadn't made too many jokes, but he had made sure JARVIS had video of everyone, just in case.
"Did you know yesterday was Steve's birthday?" Tony remarked offhandedly as Bruce poured himself a cup of tea. Bruce turned, adding sugar to the cup and sitting down across from Tony.
"Steve's birthday is the fourth of July?" he asked in a plainly teasing voice. Tony smirked.
"I know. Like he was born to be Captain America, right? But anyway, he didn't tell us."
"Who didn't tell you what?" Pepper asked, coming out into the kitchen with her hair in a messy plait and wearing nothing but one of Bruce's too-big shirts.
"Steve didn't tell us that yesterday was his birthday," Bruce told her. Turning to Tony, he added, "Maybe he just doesn't celebrate it." Tony looked at his boyfriend in shock.
"Doesn't celebrate his birthday? Blasphemy."
Bruce shifted awkwardly. Tony made the mental note to check when his birthday was, because they were definitely having a celebration. "How do you even know, if Steve didn't say anything?" Pepper jumped in, sitting in Tony's lap.
"I found these," Tony gestured carelessly at a few boxes on the floor. Curious, Bruce and Pepper went over to them and opened one. Inside were dozens of comics. Bruce pulled one out and had to laugh. They were Captain America comics, all of them. The next box had more comics, and the third had other merchandise like action figures and a fake shield.
"I used to be a Captain America fan when I was a kid," Tony explained, even though neither of them had verbally asked. "I found these and thought they would be a good gag gift. I looked up Capsicle's birthday in SHIELD's records and…" Tony pushed his tablet towards the other two, who looked at it. "Date of birth, July 4th, 1918. And he didn't tell us!"
"If he didn't tell us, I don't think he wanted anyone to know," Bruce remarked. A devious grin spread across Tony's face. Pepper sighed and buried her head in her hands.
"That's not a good smile," she groaned. Bruce looked a little worried too.
"Tony, whatever you're thinking-" he began, but Tony cut him off.
"Well," he stated authoritatively, "if Steve didn't get his birthday yesterday, we'll just have to give him one today."
It didn't take much effort to convince the other Avengers to throw a party for Steve. Tony already had his gift, but he still generously agreed to sponsor a shopping trip for the others. Bruce was on Steve-distracting duty and was going to spend the day with him.
Within twenty minutes of Tony sending out the call for the Avengers to assemble, the rest of the team arrived. First were Clint and Natasha, who came via a Quinjet that landed on the roof. Next came Thor and, big surprise, Jane as well. They had been practically attached at the hip. Darcy had come along with them, and as he had been the day before, Tony was shocked at her nonchalance at seeing the world's best superhero team. Then again, she had tazed Thor. It probably took quite a bit to shock her, no pun intended. Pepper had to do some boring CEO stuff - Tony was so glad he had given the company over to her - and thus was unable to go shopping with them, but Tony had promised both her and Bruce that he would buy gifts that they approved of in their name.
"What is it that you plan to accomplish now, Friend Stark?" Thor asked. Tony gestured at his car.
"I'm sponsoring a shopping spree. We're going to find presents for Steve. Bruce is over at his apartment now, to spend the day with him."
"Why Bruce?" Natasha asked, frowning. Tony shrugged.
"It was either me or Bruce, since Pepper's doing boring work stuff, and we figured a day with me probably wasn't Steve's dream gift. Anyway, Bruce has been meaning to go over to Steve's apartment for a while now, to help him figure out how to use the more advanced functions on his cell phone. Like, you know, internet."
"Not worried he's gonna steal your boyfriend?" Clint quipped. Natasha elbowed him in the side.
"Who, Spangles?" Tony retorted, rolling his eyes. "Nah. Bruce has better taste than that. Why go for a ninety-something year old guy with a stick up his ass when it comes to rules, when you can have me and Pepper instead?"
"Hey, some people like that older-man thing," Clint replied teasingly. Natasha elbowed him again. "Ow! Would you quit that?"
"Then stop acting like a child!" Natasha retorted. Clint sighed. Tony clapped to get everyone's attention, not willing to get in the middle of an argument between two of the best super-spy-assassins the world had ever seen.
"Alright!" he declared. "We're going shopping now. Tasha, Clint, you're coming with me. Miss Foster-"
"Jane, please," Jane interrupted. Tony shot her a slightly flirty grin.
"Jane, then. You'll drive Thor and Darcy. Here." He tossed her a set of keys, which she missed but Thor caught effortlessly.
"Oh, Mr. Stark, I couldn't-" Jane began, but Tony waved his hand dismissively.
"We can't exactly have Thor fly you there, and I don't have a car big enough for all six of us. I know Point Break doesn't know how to drive, and to be honest, I think I trust you behind the wheel more than I would trust Darcy."
"Hey!" Darcy shouted, frowning. "I'll have you know that I am a licensed driver and very good at it!"
"Yeah, but Jane's driving," Tony replied, hopping into his red convertible. After a quick but furious game of rock-paper-scissors (were they for real?), Natasha sat in the passenger seat while Clint, grumbling, went in the back.
"I call shotgun!" Darcy called as Jane went over to the car that Tony gestured at. Jane gave her a dirty look.
"Thor's riding in the front," she replied. Darcy huffed.
"I never get to do anything fun," she grumbled. Jane rolled her eyes as she and Thor got into the front of Tony's car, Darcy still grumbling as she sat in the back.
"We'll meet you at the Manhattan Mall," Tony called over as he turned the keys in the ignition. "We can start there, and if we can't find enough gifts, we'll go somewhere else. And remember, price is not an object."
"Oh, Mr. Stark, we couldn't let you pay for all of it-" Jane tried to protest, but Tony cut her off.
"First, Tony, please. Second, I once bought a bar and demolished it, just because one of the patrons was rude to me. And, you know, because Ross is a humongous asshole, but anyway. Trust me; I can handle whatever expenses you guys rack up." With that, Tony sped out of his garage and began driving to the Manhattan Mall.
"I think you're overwhelming Jane," Natasha remarked. Tony raised an eyebrow.
"She's dating Thor. I would think it would take more to overwhelm her."
"Play nice," Natasha warned, settling back in her seat. Tony threw her a smirk.
"I always do," he replied, taking a corner at a breakneck speed. In the back, Clint gave a low groan.
"I'm gonna die," he moaned. "After everything I've been through, I'm gonna die in the back of Tony Stark's convertible because he thinks speed limits are below him."
"Um, I'm Tony Stark," Tony replied, barely making it through a yellow light before it turned to red. "Speed limits are below me."
"I'm gonna die," Clint groaned again. Tony just laughed.
Needless to say, Tony beat Jane to the mall by a good five minutes. He and Bruce texted about their progress - Tony was at the mall, Bruce had successfully explained to Steve how Google worked - until Jane finally pulled up.
"Jane, you drive like a ninety year old woman," Darcy complained as she hopped out of the car. "I'm going in Tony's car next time."
"You're very welcome to swap places with me," Clint offered. "I'd prefer not to die in a car accident."
"You are the lamest super-spy-assassin ever," Tony sighed, shaking his head. He gestured grandly at the mall. "Shall we?"
Apparently, taking Thor into a mall was a bad idea. "What sort of wondrous contraptions are these?" he demanded, gesturing at the escalators. Tony groaned.
"Jane, you deal with your boyfriend. Tasha, Clint, go…do whatever you do. Darcy, you and I are going to take this place by storm."
"Sounds awesome," Darcy replied, grinning wickedly as Tony led her off into a nearby store where he saw leather jackets in the window.
"Steve has this old leather jacket that he always wears. Maybe we could get him another," he explained to Darcy. She nodded as she followed him into the store.
"What sort of jacket do you think he'd like?" Darcy asked as she started looking around. "There's a lot of these military-type ones, and then there are motorcycle jackets…"
"Spangles does have a motorcycle," Tony replied. "You look over here, I'll go over there." Gesturing vaguely, Tony went over to the other end of the jacket section, suddenly aware of just how out of his depth he was in trying to find a birthday gift for Steve. The two of them were barely friends, after all. How was he supposed to know what Steve would like? None of the jackets looked all that appealing to Tony, but that didn't mean they wouldn't be appealing to Steve.
When Tony returned to Darcy a few minutes later, it was to find her looking longingly into a nearby mirror as she held a leather jacket up to herself. "Any luck?" Tony asked, making her jump.
"Oh, I found one that he might like, but it's really expensive. All of the jackets here are really expensive."
"And this one?" Tony asked, taking the jacket out of Darcy's hands. She blushed slightly.
"Again, really expensive," she replied, taking the jacket back out of Tony's hands, but not before Tony could check the price tag.
"Four hundred dollars isn't that bad for a leather jacket," he countered. Darcy's lips thinned slightly.
"Yeah, well, it's out of my price range," she retorted. "Let me show you the jacket I think Steve might like." Darcy stuffed the leather jacket she liked on a rack and marched off to show Tony the other jacket. He made a quick note of where the one Darcy liked was before following her.
"What do you think?" Darcy asked, holding out a jacket. Tony studied it for a moment before nodding.
"That looks like something Steve would like. Go see if you can find the others while I pay," Tony told her, shooing Darcy out of the store. Once he was sure she was gone, he went back, grabbed the jacket she liked, and went over to the cashiers.
After finally getting out of the store - the bored-looking girl at the cash register had perked up when she saw him and had stammered out a request for an autograph, which he gave her with a wink that nearly made her collapse - Tony found the others lingering outside store.
"No one could find anything," Darcy told him as Tony stuffed the bags into her hands. She frowned. "Why are there two bags?"
"Check inside," Tony replied with a wink. Darcy checked in both the bags and let out a gasp.
"You didn't," she whispered, pulling out the jacket she had admired. Tony grinned before finding himself with an armful of Darcy.
"Thank you," she whispered as she let go. The others all looked vaguely stunned. Tony didn't think there was any reason they needed an explanation, and apparently Darcy agreed; they led the way out of the mall without saying anything to the others.
Considering no one had found gifts except Darcy, they decided to go to a bookstore (Natasha insisted). There, Tony found a book about World War II that Pepper told him to buy ("He froze before the war ended and he probably hasn't gotten a chance to do much research about it, so he'd probably like the book!") and another book on the basics of computers that Bruce told him to buy ("He's interested in finding out how they work, Tony, and if he has a book, he won't have to ask you all the time!"). Clint found a huge book that was a compilation of everything ever published about Captain America during the forties, as well as interviews with friends of his after he froze. Natasha found an even bigger book about world history since the 1940s. Jane found a box set of the Harry Potter series and insisted that Steve absolutely had to read them.
"Is that everyone?" Tony asked as he paid for all the purchases. The total probably would have made a normal person wince, but Tony just handed over his credit card without even blinking.
"I have not yet found a gift for Friend Steve," Thor admitted. Tony thought for a moment, then grinned.
"I know exactly where to take you," he replied, leaving the others to get the bags of books and strolling out to the car.
Ten minutes later, they found themselves outside FAO Schwartz. "You've got to be kidding me," Natasha groaned, but Thor looked as excited an overgrown five year old. Within ten minutes, he had found Steve a stuffed toy of an eagle - Tony was barely able to stop laughing for long enough to pay for it - and they were done.
how's playtime w/steve? Tony texted Bruce. He received a response almost immediately.
he's discovered emojis. help.
Tony snickered as he put his phone back in his pocket. "Let's go!" he called to the others. "We need to go to a party supplies store, then we'll go decorate Stark Tower."
"Party supplies? What manner of things is that, Friend Stark?" Thor demanded loudly. Tony just grins.
"Follow me, Jane. I know where we can get everything that we need."
Tony led the way to Party City, where he knew there would be a copious amount of Captain America birthday decorations. He and the others had great fun picking out Captain America balloons (most with the shield, but a few with his face, because Tony just couldn't help himself), Captain America tablecloths, Captain America plates, and Captain America napkins. They got Avengers cups, to balance the decorations a little. The cashier seemed slightly confused as to why the Avengers themselves were buying Avengers party supplies, but when Tony dropped him a wink, he blushed enough that Tony doubted he could form any coherent thoughts about their intentions.
"We've got everything, then?" Natasha asked as she slid into the backseat without an argument. She and Darcy had been taking turns in the front, to the surprise of everyone, and they did it very amicably.
"We've got everything," Tony replied. "Back to Stark Tower we go!"
Natasha shook her head, but Darcy giggled as Tony leapt into the car and sped off, prepared to give Steve the best birthday he ever had.
When Tony finally texted Bruce to bring Steve over to the Tower, it was practically unrecognizable. Red, white, and blue streamers were draped everywhere, and the tables were set with the copious amounts of Captain America merchandise they had bought. Determined to do everything right, Tony had everyone hide behind furniture as Steve and Bruce ascended in the elevator. And when they came into the room and turned the lights on, everyone - even Natasha and Pepper - jumped out and yelled "Surprise!"
"You did this all for me?" Steve asked, sounding amazed. Tony slung an arm around his shoulders.
"Listen, Steve. No friend of Tony Stark's is getting away with no birthday celebrations. Now hurry up; we got food from your favorite pizza place and it'll get cold if we don't eat it."
Still seeming slightly stunned, Steve allowed himself to be led into the dining room, where he went bright red at all of the Captain America merchandise on the table. Somehow, he ended up between Thor and Darcy, while Tony watched with amusement from the other side of the table.
The pizza disappeared quickly, despite the fact that Tony had bought four large pizzas for the nine of them (when Thor and Steve were involved, more was definitely more). When they finished, Pepper took out an ice cream cake that she had bought, with decorations of red, white, and blue fireworks. Steve blushed as he cut it and handed out the pieces. The cake was delicious and just barely big enough to satisfy all of them.
"Present time!" Tony yelled as Thor finished his third piece of ice cream cake. Steve looked up with wide eyes.
"Oh, I didn't need anything-" he tried to protest, but Tony cut him off.
"We got you presents, and if you try to return any of them we'll be ever so upset. Come on, Spangles, they're waiting for you in the other room."
Steve loved the various books he got, laughed at the stuffed eagle, stammered out a thank-you to Darcy for the leather jacket, and smirked as he went through Tony's boxes of Captain America comics and toys. At that point, Tony broke out the champagne and the party got much more exciting - Natasha and Clint started a drinking game that ended up leaving Clint ridiculously drunk and Natasha barely looking more than tipsy; Jane got drunk and refused to let go of Thor, although he was clearly unaffected by the alcohol; Bruce refused to drink but had no problem teasing Tony for getting more and more clingy as the night went on. The highlight of the entire party was definitely when Steve finally got up, grabbed Darcy, and kissed her, to the shock of everyone. They ended up curled up on the loveseat, talking and sharing stories as the night went on.
"This was a good idea, Tony," Pepper murmured as Jane stumbled off to the room Tony had insisted she take, Thor following her. "I'll admit, I had my doubts, but you did good."
"I think Steve really appreciated it," Bruce added. Tony grinned.
"You'll be next, Brucie," he replied, using the pet name he knew Bruce hated. "Come your birthday, this is going to look tame."
"You know what?" Bruce asked as he dropped a gentle kiss on Tony's forehead. "I don't think that's as terrible an idea as I would have thought it was if you'd told me this morning."
"Tony?" a voice asked. Tony blinked up to see Steve looking down at him, smiling slightly. "Darcy told me that you're the one to thank for all this, so…thank you."
"No problem," Tony replied after a short pause. "Anything for a friend." Steve's smile grew, and Tony found himself smiling back.
To tell the truth, he and Steve weren't really friends - like all the other Avengers, they were family.