A/N: Hello there. I am back with this one-shot. I'm still working on a new chapter for Together Alone, but this just appeared in my head and I had to write it...and share it with you. I hope you read it, like it and tell me what you think. Thank you!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach!
Sometimes life takes you to places you never even dreamed of. Places you couldn't comprehend even when you see them. Makes you think about your own existence, your own purpose in this world. I know humans are lost without it, but it's silly to think they are the only ones. We too don't know how to function without it. We get lost and confused if we don't have it in the palm of our hands. And most of the time we are confused and lost, because it would be even sillier to think someone would have it drawn out that way. No one knows where they belong, what are they supposed to do, and the only thing we can do about it is to dream. And sometimes…dreams come true. But they are not always exactly as we pictured them and they do not always make sense.
My dream was exactly that…to find my place on this world. To find someone who will accept me for what I am and not look at my background or my current title. And I found him. I did. My happiness back then was to surreal, so much that I thought someone was playing games with me, that someone was deceiving me. At first I refused to believe it. I refused to trust my own destiny and always locked myself in the past. I thought I didn't deserve it and that gods made a mistake intrusting me with something as important and pure as him. I was determined to make them realize I wasn't the person that deserved that gift. I was dirty, stained and far from someone that could ever stand the same grounds as him.
But time is a silly thing too. It makes you change, it makes you accept things…even those things you aren't supposed to accept. But I did. I accepted him. I accepted the fact that he was by my side and I cherished every moment I spend by his side. I smiled with him, I cried with him and I fought alongside with him. I thought that time was the happiest time I'll ever spend in my lifetime. I was so intoxicated with those moments, so much that I refused to look at my situation, my life and my purpose if he was not in it. For a long time I was alone, lost and walked over, and I was scared. I was scared if I let go, if I see the things that are right in front of my eyes I would break down to something I once were. I never wanted to return to that place again. The place where my childhood lived. I never wanted to see or feel anything I once did. That made me blind.
I trusted him so much to the point that I became blind to all his flaws. Hell, if you asked me then I would probably fail to find any. But he had them. Everyone has flaws. It's insane to think otherwise. But I was insane. I was. Locked in my imaginary world, I lost all sense of reality, I lost any sense of direction. Everything I saw was him and everything revolved around him. How foolish was I…
He never belonged to me. I was the one that surrendered to him, I was the one that was ready to give everything for him. He wasn't. He was not that for me. I never belonged there, in his world, beside him, beside his family and friends. He was the only reason they accepted me. And they probably never saw the real me anyhow. That I there was something made up to conceal all my flaws, to hide my insecurities…and I did everything because I was afraid. I was afraid of being alone again.
Nobody understood that. Nobody knew that scared me. Me that was so stained and little. They never saw it. I don't blame them, I blame myself. I blame my fears that locked me there, made me do all those things I did just so I would remain in his world.
I blame him too. I do. He was the one that told me to stay by his side. He was the one that made me believe he entrusted every fiber of his being in my care, just as I did with myself. I did. But he didn't. Oh how foolish was I.
And now I'm here. Again at the beginning. Afraid, lost and broken. I'm back to that place. And the irony of it was that everyone else knew. Everyone else saw and understood what was happening. I did hear talks. Talks behind my back and I refused to trust them. They're just jealous, I thought foolishly. My brother never once said a thing. He was a man that believed you should accept consequences of your choices, he wanted that for me too. To see and understand. I didn't, I failed there. At least I didn't until it was too late. Even Renji kept quiet. For a long time he refused to look me in the eyes, and he kept his distance. And what would they do anyway? Prove it? There wasn't anything to prove. He wasn't a horrible man, he never did a thing, not until he made sure that I know. But still…they all kept quiet. Well, not all of them.
And now I'm here again. And this man keeps watching me. Keeps seeing every fiber of my being break down right before him. I can't stop it, I try, but I can't. I don't know what he wants from me. He doesn't have anything with the situation I am in. Those teal eyes now scare me. Somehow they see all. Somehow he can read me so well with them. So well that I'm afraid he knows things about me that even I don't.
What does he want? I cannot offer him anything. And he keeps coming back. For a long time now he keeps me company. Sometimes he doesn't even utter a word. Neither do I. Sometimes he speaks about things that don't hold any meaning to the situation we are in, I am in. And sometimes we even fight. That makes me feel better. I yell at him, he yells at me and we often say such cruel things to each other. Really cruel things. And usually when that happens we keep quiet after. Nobody apologizes. And not once did he mention anything I said to him in that awful state.
I know I am broken. I know I am stained, I am for a long time now. And I still don't understand…why does he come back? He purposely comes to this place. He knows that I would be here, I am every night and… he keeps coming back. I cannot offer him anything…I don't have anything.
And why doesn't he ask me? I know I would want to know if I was in his place. But he never does now. He did once. At the beginning, when I was still happy in my imaginary world. When I had believed I can stay in the world where I don't belong. He asked me. I never offered him an answer.
But with that question he was the person that did the first swing to crush down my thick walls. Those walls I build around my imaginary world. Not long after, it came crushing down. He was responsible for that. He was the reason I saw everything…and he still keeps quiet about it.
I want to ask him. I do. I want to know why he is here. Why does he keep coming back? I want to know. So I ask. I ask.
For a moment he keeps quiet, his head turned away from me. But when he locks his eyes with mine, I see remaining of a smile in them. Why would someone smile on that question?
"You are still blind Kuchiki." That's what he said. All I could do was stare at him. Even if I could speak there were no words in my head. Nothing, just those eyes. And I still don't understand…why does he keep coming back?