Disclaimer: Hellsing is Hirano's brain-baby, not mine.
A/N: This was a response to a humor challengein the bloodyshorts community on Livejournal. The rules were that the story must contain a boyband, the line, "If I don't leave right now, I'm going to jump up on stage and eat them...", and end with "either a... 'debriefing' from Integra... or on the eleven o'clock news", as well as the instruction to do as I would. I did, and this was the result.
Alexander Anderson was frustrated.
He had warded the entire park and destroyed all of the ghouls and servant vampires holed up on the grounds. The main demon, however, the master of them all, had thus far eluded him.
Following the beast's disgusting metaphysical trail had led to the amphitheater, where a very large group of people had gathered. It was truly huge, there had to be thousands there. Anderson had heard the growing noise earlier in the evening, but caught up in the heat of the slaughter, he had been too slow to throw up extra wards to divide the area. Now the vampire was slipping into a crowd that consisted largely of teenagers still young enough to be in Anderson's orphanage.
"Nice bling!" someone yelled, pointing at the paladin's cross as he used his height to cut his way through the pubescent multitude. Anderson ignored them, going after the monster as it worked his way closer and closer to the stage where a female voice was belting out a tune to a devilishly catchy beat. Glancing up, he saw a young blonde woman wearing entirely too much makeup and a scandalous outfit shorter and tighter than the Draculina's.
The girl finished her song about true love gained and lost over summer vacation and gave the crowd her energetic thanks. The audience clapped with less enthusiasm as the pop tart skipped off the stage. "And now, our feature performers," announced a booming voice over the speakers.
Anderson was deafened by the hormone charged squealing as five young men dressed in exceedingly tacky ensembles came onto the stage. As his eardrums regenerated, he once more caught a glimpse of the vampire. The creature was very close to the now dancing and singing group, and surrounded by what surely had to be virgins. The fell beast locked eyes with the paladin and smirked.
You'd like me to get away from all of these humans, right? Anderson was further incensed as the vampire spoke in his mind. I'd like that, too, really. Pity you had to go and send up all those barriers. Tell you what, you take them down, let me go, and I'll get out of here. How's that sound?
"It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you..." The performers interjected.
Knowing the monster could hear it, the priest thought, Like something I cannot do, ye demonic piece of filth.
The vampire looked at the band and gave Anderson a fangy leer as he responded, Have it your way, then, but if I don't leave right now, I'm going to jump on stage and eat them. The creature took a posture as if it was about to pounce, and Anderson was pushed over the edge.
In a blur of overcoat and pure divine righteousness, the paladin shoved his way through the concert goers. The vampire tried to take off again, but Anderson was too fast, fueled by adrenaline, faith, and holy berserker rage. "Back to Hell with ye!" He exclaimed as he riddled the thing's torso with his blessed bayonets.
The monster's body crumbled. Anderson calmed down, only to realize that every single person in the place was staring right at him. Some were screaming, most were pointing, someone nearby asked, "Is this a part of the act? I heard one of the guys was really into Jesus..." As the damage was already done, Anderson decided to leave the quickest way possible. He vanished in a swirl of holy writ as the audience broke into applause.
"How could you do that!" Enrico Maxwell demanded as he replayed a recording of the previous night's eleven o'clock news broadcast.
"It was not my fault!" Anderson protested irritably, for he had that blasted song stuck in his head. "No one told me there was to be a concert there that night!"
"It doesn't matter!" Maxwell shot back. "With things as they are, the last thing we need is videotape of one of our agents killing a vampire!" As he continued to berate the paladin, Anderson pondered if, perhaps, he shouldn't have encouraged Enrico's career decision quite so much when he was younger.
Maxwell's voice carried into the hallway, causing Sisters Heinkel and Yumiko to pause as they passed by the office. Peeking through the cracked door, Yumiko declared, "Wow, Father Anderson is really getting it."
"...Yeah," Heinkel agreed with a nod as the chief director ranted on about the Pope and international incidents.
"Well," Yumiko added brightly, "at least it's not us, this time!"