Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Author's Note: I had this posted before, but I'm reposting it now because I thought the last version was way too short, so I added to it. Please enjoy and let me know what you think!
Useless
By: ChoCedric
He feels useless, damn useless, cooped up here in this bloody house. When he receives word that the dementors attacked his godson, he wants to come running to his side, and frustration bubbles like lava within him when Dumbledore calmly states that it is too dangerous for him to go and collect Harry from Privet Drive. Grudgingly, he lets the other Order members go, all the while feeling resentment and fury roil within him.
Molly Weasley really strikes a low blow when she snarls at him, with a curled lip, that he hardly did a good job taking care of Harry while he was locked up in Azkaban. He wants to pound his fists into her then, to roar at her, how would you like it if you saw your best friend under a fallen beam, his lifeless eyes staring at nothing? And your best friend's wife, her blank, empty eyes full of pleading, and your godson being taken away to his nasty relatives? Molly hasn't been through what he's been through! He growls inside his head. A feeling of hopelessness and uselessness sweeps over him once more.
Sirius grows more and more desperate as the year progresses and he hears about how Dolores Umbridge is treating his godson. He already hates the woman as it is; she's made life extremely difficult for Remus because of the anti-werewolf laws she put out there. When Harry tells him about the Defense group he's starting up, a surge of pride shoots up within Sirius, and he can see James in the boy. But yet, when Harry doesn't want to take a risk to see him, he feels a rush of disappointment. The moment the words "You're less like your father than I thought," escape his mouth, he immediately regrets them. Molly Weasley must be rubbing off on him.
When Christmas comes and word gets out of the attack on Arthur Weasley, he finally feels like he is useful for something, for everyone comes to Grimmauld Place to stay. While the house had been haunting and sterile for months, mocking him with the ghosts of his past, he finally feels like he can enjoy himself and take comfort in Harry. He can almost feel young again when he looks at the boy.
But another rush of hopelessness floods him again when Harry pulls him aside and relays his fear of being possessed by Voldemort. Sirius tries to reassure him that everything will be all right, but he isn't so sure. They are just empty words escaping from his lips, for he knows he can do nothing to protect Harry while in this foul, despicable house. This is almost worse than Azkaban; it is as though a dementor is constantly harassing him, its rotting flesh covering him from head to foot.
When Harry and his friends go back to Hogwarts, Sirius cannot help but feel a sense of foreboding. When he gives his godson a fierce, one-armed hug, he cannot stop the feeling that he is hugging him for the last time. Once Harry is gone, he withdraws back into the musty, dusty, filthy house, the demons of his childhood haunting him, tears of humiliation and guilt stinging his eyes.
He tries to speak to Remus about how he is feeling, and his friend gives him all the comfort he can, but half the time, he is away on Order missions. Sirius can also see that his young cousin, Tonks, is beginning to become attracted to him, and a bubble of jealousy blooms within him. Remus can go and have fun, but he cannot escape this house. He is stuck here, and he begins to feel that he will be left to rot, left here for all eternity. Peter is such a sneaky little rat, and he knows Sirius and Remus are on to him, so he will play his tricks of getting away, the same tricks the two men, once boys, had taught him themselves. This realization makes Sirius feel sick to his stomach.
When Harry risks the wrath of Umbridge to stick his head in the fire and discuss old memories with him, he longs to go back to those days. It's true that he feels somewhat ashamed of the things he did in his youth, like helping to hang Snape upside down, but he still desperately wishes he could go back to the free, devil-may-care youth that spent his time joking and laughing with his friends, his best friends. When Harry says that Snape has stopped his Occlumency lessons, he is furious, but once again, he is confined to this prison. He can not do anything to help his godson, even though he made an empty threat to turn up at the school. He would have done it, too, but calm, mild-mannered Remus stopped him.
For many days after that, he sits in his room, staring at Buckbeak. He feels as though the animal is the only one who truly understands what he's going through, for he's just as cooped up as Sirius is. He knows his eyes are exceedingly haunted by the ghosts of Azkaban, and his hair is growing long and straggly again. He hopes that at the end of the year, Harry will come and spend the summer with him, and empty him of all the misery that consumes his soul. He is sick of the constant phrase uttered by Dumbledore and Remus: "Stay in the house, Sirius." He does as they say, but the whole time, he resents it. He still thinks this is worse than being in Azkaban, because he knows that fresh air is just a breath away, right outside that front door. But he can't go out, he can't go anywhere. And if Snape makes one more comment about how much he's helping the Order, Sirius swears he'll truly become a murderer.
So this is Sirius's life now. Sirius Black, the once charismatic, boisterous young boy is now a shell of the person he used to be. The days keep dragging on, and he knows with each tick of that damn clock on the wall that until Peter is captured, until he is freed, he will always feel this way: completely, totally, and utterly useless.