Guilt
By infinite shadow
Disclaimer: Nope I don't own anything Supernatural. They currently belong to the WB. Anything recognizable in the way of characers do not belong to me but by other lucky people. Ayways no matter how much I wish, I do not own Sam or Dean or John. The Winchester Men only belong to me in my own twisted little world.
Author's note: I seem to be doing much in the way of Sammy angst. I hope you're enjoying it as it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. There are more stories in the works for this. If you were looking for chapter 2 of Nightmare it's almost ready, but not good enough to post yet.
Thanks to Lynxlan for the beta. Any errors still here solely belong to me.
So we all know that Sam sufferes from some serious guilt. Here is my take on what he could be thinking about.
Still with me? Really? Read on and enjoy...
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Dean pulled into a motel parking lot and eased his baby into park. He switched off the engine and glanced over at his brother. Sam was leaning up against the car window with his eyes closed. It had been a long couple of days and he'd been surprised that Sam hadn't wanted to talk about what had happened in Lawrence. Instead it was almost as if he'd done everything he could to shut out everyone and everything. The nightmares had increased and Dean was sure that it was more than Jessica lurking in his mind. Whatever it was he was going to have to figure out a way to get his little brother to talk. Because talking had to be better than the deafening silence between the two of them.
"Yo Sammy, we have arrived," he said loudly knowing his kid brother was awake.
Sam opened his eyes and looked at the building in front of them. Just another run down and worn out motel. They always looked the same.
"Earth to Sam?" Dean said quietly.
Sam turned to him. "Yeah?"
"I'll check us in. Get the bags," Dean said and got out of the car.
Sam nodded as he watched his brother exit the car. It was always the same, Dean would check in and Sam would get the bags. He smiled a little, sometimes there was comfort in things not changing. He took a moment to rub at his tired eyes and Jess' smiling face appeared to him.
He sighed heavily to himself. "I've gotta figure this out," he said softly then got out of the car. He grabbed the bags from the back seat, put them on the trunk and leaned up against the back of the car. Cars sped by on the secondary highway and he watched them without seeing them or hearing the engines. Closing his eyes as he yawned he saw his mother on the ceiling of their old home. "I gotta figure this out," he whispered.
After seeing his Mom take out the poltergeist at their childhood home it wasn't hard to picture her up on the ceiling bursting into flames just as Jess had. Once he had thought about it the picture just wouldn't go away. The memory of both women just wouldn't leave him alone, and he knew it wouldn't until he figured this out.
Dean stepped into the motel office to find the kid manning the desk on the phone. He nodded at Dean and held up a finger to let him know he'd be a minute. Dean nodded and looked outside to check on Sam. His younger brother slowly got out of the car pulling two bags out with him. He was so lethargic almost like his energy and life had been sucked out by a Shtriga. A chill ran down his spine at the old memory and he quickly pushed it away. Sam was fine, just tired. He frowned deeply studying his brother more intently. Was he talking to himself?
"Hi sir. Sorry about that. Single or Double?" the kid asked.
"Uh Double," Dean said and filled out the appropriate paperwork handing the kid his Dean Austin credit card. He finished up with the kid and returned outside. Sam seemed paler than before with dark bruise colored bags under his eyes. He'd made a lot of noise dragging his feet a little walking towards his brother, but he was able to walk up in front of his brother without Sam knowing.
"Sam?" Dean asked.
Sam opened his eyes to see Dean standing in front of him.
"Ok zombie boy?" Dean asked his eyes showing concern if his tone was slightly flippant.
"Yeah. We checked in?" Sam asked.
"Yup lucky number 7. Dean Austin just sprung for the deluxe suite," Dean said smiling up at his brother.
"What makes it a deluxe?" Sam challenged.
Dean's smile fell. "The price, now come on. You look like you're asleep on your feet," Dean said reaching behind his brother to grab his bag.
"Am not," Sam said as he grabbed his and followed.
"Are too," Dean shot back as he fiddled with the key in the lock. It opened and they went in.
"I ask again. What makes this deluxe?" Sam asked.
"Coffee maker with multiple packets of coffee and microwave," Dean said as he watched Sam sit on the edge of the bed farthest into the room. "Look why don't you get some shut-eye for a bit? I'll go fill the car and get some food."
"Dean I'm not tired," Sam said trying to hold back a yawn that threatened to escape.
His older brother smirked at him. "Yeah whatever dude. I'll be back," Dean said and quickly left before his brother could protest.
Sam stared at the closed door for a moment. He rubbed a hand over his tired face and the yawn broke free. He grabbed the laptop and set it up on the table. The internet booted up and he continued his research on the demon he was trying to track. He hadn't told his brother about this one cause there really wasn't anything to tell him yet. Sam knew he was grasping at straws but he knew he had to figure it out before it was too late. He'd lost far too much to lose anything or anyone else. If his recurring nightmare over the last week was correct he was going to lose everything soon.
Another yawn escaped him and he got up intent on making some coffee. He stumbled as pain exploded behind his eyes and a scream tore out of his throat. The motel room disappeared and he was standing on an empty street. Rock walls nearby reminded him of pictures he'd seen as a kid of the Grand Canyon. Turning to get a better grasp of his surroundings he saw his father's truck parked on the side of the road.
He looked around as he hurried over to the truck and saw his father having a very animated conversation with another man. The words could not be heard, but Sam could tell they were very heated, and neither man looked like they were ready to back down.
Before Sam could even digest the fact that he was actually seeing his father for the first time in two years the other man pulled a gun and shot John at point blank range. John stumbled back, his hands covering the wound in his chest, surprise and fear etched on his face. He collapsed to the ground and died as he choked on his own blood.
"NO! NO!" Sam screamed from where he'd curled up on the floor with his head in his hands. "Dad!"
He felt a hand grab his shoulder making him flinch and wrench away from the sensation. "NO!" he yelled again.
"Sammy, it's ok. Hey it's just me," Dean said calmly putting both hands on his brother's shoulders. "It's just me."
"D-Dean?" Sam choked out.
"Yeah I'm here Sam," Dean said softly not liking how his brother looked even more pale than earlier that day.
"Dean? Where are we?" Sam asked fear plain in his voice.
Dean's concern grew and he quickly ran a hand over Sam's head looking for a lump or something that would show a concussion. "We're on our way to Battle Creek Michigan, remember?"
Sam nodded. "Right. The Banshee."
Dean helped Sam to the bed. "What did you see Sam?" he asked gently.
"Dad," Sam said and closed his eyes.
"What happened to him?" Dean asked.
Sam swallowed hard and began to shake. "He was killed," he said and opened his eyes as Dean sat beside him.
"Tell me everything Sam," Dean ordered.
Sam looked at him and told him every little detail he could remember.
Dean's eyes widened but he let Sam tell him without interruption. When his brother was done he pulled out his cell phone out of his jacket and dialed his Dad. He got up and paced while the call went through and started to ring. "Answer this time... Damnit!" Dean swore as his call went through to voicemail. "Dad it's Dean. Whoever you're meeting today don't. Sam had a vision and this guy is going to kill you. Please Dad whatever you do don't meet him. Let us know when you get this so we know you're ok."
Sam had been watching Dean pace fear grasping at his heart. When the older hunter swore he put his throbbing head into his hands. "We're too late. Dad's gonna die and he'll never know."
Dean stopped mid pace and looked down at his brother. "Know what?"
"That I don't hate him," came the muffled response.
Dean sat beside him on the bed and placed his hand on his shoulder. "Dad knows that Sam."
Sam shook his head. "How? I made him so mad that he threw me out of the house. I don't ever remember seeing him so mad before, and I've made him plenty mad with all the arguments we had. Dean he did the best he could and I never made it easy on him. Not once," Sam paused taking a shaky breath.
"Sam you know that Dad would do anything for you, right?" Dean asked softly.
"No. You would do anything for me. Dad would do anything for you," Sam said as he rubbed at his head. "Chain of command," he whispered.
"So you have some stuff to work out with Dad. It doesn't mean he hates you or believes you hate him. Look you always get your visions in time to do something about them, right?" Dean asked.
"So far," Sam said lifting his head out of his hands.
"Then until we hear otherwise I'm going to think that Dad gets our message before he goes to meet up with this bitch that wants to kill him. He'll call or text us to let us know he's ok Sammy, you'll see," Dean said confidently.
Sam sighed heavily and straightened up. "You're right."
Dean nodded. "That's right. I am. Always. Don't forget it," he said pompously.
Sam laughed a little. "You bring back anything edible?" he asked.
Dean relaxed slightly. If his brother was hungry then he was ok. "Only your favourite greasy road side grill burger with all the fixen's. With a side of fries, gravy and onion rings."
Sam looked at his brother for a moment.
"What? I forget something?" Dean asked.
Sam shook his head. "Just the aspirin."
Dean smiled and pulled a bag out of his pocket. He pulled out a small box and tossed it at his brother. "Who's an awesome brother, huh?"
Sam smiled as he caught the box, opened it and dry swallowed a couple of white pills. He joined his brother at the table and looked through the bags of food. He didn't notice Dean staring at the laptop's screen.
"Sammy what's this?" Dean asked gesturing at the screen. The file was called school stuff and Dean had never bothered looking in the file cause it just sounded plain boring. When he didn't get an answer he glanced at his brother who had stopped going through the food bags and stared at where Dean was pointing. "Did you find us a job for after we finish with the banshee?"
"It's nothing," Sam said and turned away leaving the food in the bags and on the table suddenly losing his appetite. He wearily sat down on his bed.
"Oh it's something little brother," Dean said as he scrolled through the file. "Where'd you find all this stuff?"
"It's all out there, fragmented. I just have to figure it out, put it together and this can all be over," Sam whispered.
Dean looked up sharply at the words and the way they'd been spoken. "What do you mean over?" He asked his concern growing again as he noticed his brother was staring into nothingness. "Sammy?"
"Damnit Dean it's Sam. And it's nothing," Sam said he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. He surfed the few channels provided by the motel and settled on a news program effectively shutting out his brother.
Dean watched him for a few moments then went back to reading through the file. It was five kinds of crazy the way the leads and theories darted out in different directions, but Sam and his Dad had been extremely good over the years putting together patterns that Dean had a hard time seeing. Finally he closed the file and continued his banshee research from the normal web pages he used on line.
A couple of hours later Dean received a text message from his Dad thanking them for the warning and that he was safe. Sam went to bed shortly thereafter finally able to stop pretending that he was watching TV. He heard Dean move around in the room for a while then he too went to bed.
Sam stretched out on his back in the bed, happy for once that he had a comfortable bed to sleep in.
Drip… Drip…
Of course if he was going to get a comfortable bed then the roof would have to leak. He tried to wipe away the drops of water from his forehead.
Drip… Drip…
"Sammy," a voice whispered.
Drip… Drip…
Sam tried to turn over but he couldn't seem to move away from the liquid hitting his forehead.
Drip… Drip…
He cautiously opened his eyes. Fear chilled him as he stared up at the ceiling.
Drip… Drip…
"Sammy why?" Jess asked.
Drip… Drip…
"Jess," Sam whispered as more of her blood dripped down onto him. "NO!" he shouted as he tried to get up but found he couldn't move.
Drip… Drip…
"Why didn't you protect me?" Jess asked.
Drip… Drip…
"Oh baby I thought I was protecting you," Sam said softly.
Drip… Drip…
Jess frowned as she began to change.
Drip… Drip… Drip…
"Dad?" Sam whispered as Jess' form morphed into his father up on the ceiling.
Drip… Drip… Drip…
"You never did like your old man much did you? You were too late Sam and I didn't make it. The last thing I did was send the message to you to boys so at least Dean would have some comfort. He always was the better soldier," John said.
Drip… Drip… Drip…
"Make sure you boys look after each other. Good-bye Sammy," John said softly.
Drip… Drip… Drip…
"No Dad!" Sam yelled but the body on the ceiling was changing again.
Drip… Drip… Drip… Drip…
"Hey Sammy what gives? You were supposed to be watching my back. You let a banshee get me?" Dean said sounding surprised. "Man, Dad taught you better than that."
Drip… Drip… Drip… Drip…
"Dude. Seriously. Where were you?" Dean asked from the ceiling.
Drip… Drip… Drip… Drip…
Sam stared up at the ceiling, his heart racing as fear raced through his body. "No-no-no! Dean No! It should be me! Me!" He screamed as he tried to move but couldn't. The room was heating up and smoke was curling around Dean's body.
Drip… Drip… Drip… Drip…
"It's ok Sam. I promised I would never leave you and I'm taking you with me," he said.
Flames shot out from around Dean and danced on the ceiling for a moment. Then the flames flew out at him lying in bed. Sam could feel the flames burn his flesh and he screamed in pain.
"Dean!" Sam yelled out in his sleep.
Dean woke instantly and was out of bed before his eyes were open from the fear in his brother's voice. His brother had not had one night free of nightmares in over a week. The older hunter sat by his sleeping brother knowing that he would wake in a moment. It was selfish but if he startled Sam awake he'd be sporting bruises for days. If he woke on his own he usually recognized Dean before lashing out.
"No Dean!" Sam screamed and bolted up in bed. His eyes darted up to the ceiling and the room around him as Dean turned on the lamp.
"Easy there tiger," Dean said evenly.
"Dean?" Sam asked his eyes glassy and confusion clear in his voice.
"Yeah. Sammy these dreams and nightmares they gotta stop man," Dean said softly.
Sam nodded. "I know. I just, I don't know how," he said as he rubbed at his eyes and pulled his knees to his chest.
"You know you used to talk to me about everything. In fact there was a time that I couldn't shut you up," Dean said smiling slightly. "Now you're not talking to me at all unless it's about Dad or whatever we're hunting."
"Dean I just," Sam stopped and sighed heavily as he tried to find the words but came up short.
Dean watched his little brother fight back the emotions cursing through him. "Sammy were we apart for so long that you don't trust me anymore?"
Sam's head shot up and surprise registered on his face. "No," he whispered. "I trust you more then I trust myself sometimes."
Dean nodded. "Then you hate me for bringing you back into the family business?" he asked then silently added please say no.
"No Dean I don't hate you," Sam said smiling softly.
Relief flowed through him. "Then you need to help me out little brother cause I don't know how to help you."
Sam looked away unsure how to explain what he'd been seeing, unsure how his brother could help.
Dean took his silence to mean that his little brother wanted to continue to shut him out. "Whatever," he said as he started to stand up but stopped as Sam's shaking hand grabbed his wrist.
"I… The…" Sam stopped taking a deep breath and pulling his hand away from his brother.
"It's ok Sam. Just tell me," Dean said softly sitting back down.
"I've been trying to figure out why. Why this fire demon took Mom and Jess. Why it took them and left me to live. Why it just didn't come after me. Am I doing something to attract it? What did I do that was so bad that the people I love get killed or hurt on a regular basis?" Sam said.
"Sam this isn't your fault. Mom's death and Jessica's death were not your fault," Dean started to say.
"You're wrong," Sam said with an intensity that made Dean flinch. "You just don't get it do you? Everything comes back to me. Mom and Jess were killed over my crib and my bed. You have spent your entire life looking after me and get hurt on almost every hunt you go on and Dad," Sam stopped trying to reign in the pain.
"Sam," Dean started again but was cut off.
"And Dad can't stand me. Part of him must hate me for Mom. Dean he's out there all alone gunning for this thing that killed Mom and Jess and it'll kill him before we can see him again. And he's going to die thinking that I hate him. I gotta figure this out before," Sam stopped again swallowing hard. "Before my nightmare comes true and you die on the ceiling too. Dean I can't let it take you away too," Sam whispered.
"Geez kiddo. I'm not going anywhere and I know for a fact that Dad doesn't hate you. He does not blame you for Mom dying," Dean said strongly. He grabbed Sam's arm to make sure he had his full attention. "Sam you have got to stop thinking like this. Cause if you don't your guilt will consume you just like it has Dad."
Sam's eyes widened slightly.
"Yeah. You know this quest has completely taken over Dad's life, but there was a time when he was a gentler guy. Look Sam grief can consume and change people. Dad has changed and I don't want you to change," Dean paused his eyes softening. "I wish you could remember both of them from back then. Things were different. Dad was happy most of the time."
"Tell me about them," Sam said softly.
Dean smiled a little. "There were times that the garage was really busy and he would work through the night. He'd come home when we were having breakfast with a tired smile. He'd ruffle my hair, kiss Mom on the cheek and hold you for a few minutes while we talked about what we were going to do that day. Then he'd go shower, change, have breakfast and spend more time with us then go back to work. Other times he'd sneak into the house and silently come to the doorway or the kitchen or living room. He'd catch my attention, give me the signal and I'd turn on the stereo just as he'd pull Mom into his arms. Then they'd dance around the room usually scooping us up with them. Dad would have me in one arm and have his other around Mom. She'd have you in her arms and you used to squeal in delight. Mom and Dad would look so happy," Dean said then stopped his mind still seeing his family dancing around the living room.
"Wow," Sam whispered.
Dean cleared his throat. "Anyway whenever Dad was home, which was a lot, he was always playing with us. And there was always music on. Lynard Skynard, Blue Oyster Cult, Zepplin, Elvis, Clapton, Boston and the list goes on."
"Well that explains your taste in music," Sam said smiling. "They, we were happy."
"Yeah we were. Just like a normal family," Dean paused and cleared his throat. "I think that's why I hate normal so much now. Things could never be normal for me again."
Sam nodded. "Yeah. As much as I wanted it before I don't think I could do normal now."
Dean looked at him. "Jess?"
"Yeah," Sam said softly.
Dean smiled at him. "Give it some time and with my pick up lines you'll have another girl. She may not be Jess, but you could have happy."
Sam chuckled and shook his head. "I don't need that much help. Besides if I find someone else I wouldn't want to scare her away."
"Dude I'm hurt," Dean said holding a hand to his chest.
"Hey did we have one of those moments that you go out of your way to avoid?" Sam teased.
"Nah. I would've recognized it and stopped it before it could happen," Dean smirked.
"Right," Sam said and rolled his eyes.
"So Sammy, dude, I really need to sleep. It's along haul from here to Michigan. No more nightmares?" Dean asked.
"Yeah ok," Sam said softly. At least make them silent nightmares he said to himself.
"Well that certainly sold me," Dean said snorting at his brother's too quiet answer. "Shove over."
"W-what?" Sam said looking up at his brother.
Dean laughed at the surprise on his little brother's face. "Well it's the only thing that I know of that will get you to sleep the night through without nightmares. That way I can sleep through the night too. Now move over before I move you."
Sam looked at him for a moment then shifted over.
Dean grabbed his pillow and knife then crawled into Sam's bed. "Don't cut yourself kiddo," he said quietly as the blade slipped under the pillow. He reached over, turned off the light and settled on his side facing his brother.
Sam scooted down in the bed next to his brother. A familiar sense of peace and calmness washed over him that he hadn't felt for a very long time. The warmth beside him brought back memories of when he had joined his Dad and brother on the road hunting. Dad would take one bed and Sam and Dean the other. The nightmares rarely surfaced back then. When they had Dean would throw an arm around him, talk softly to him and make things ok again.
"Thanks Dean," he said softly.
A small smile pulled on Dean's lips in the darkness. "No problem kiddo," Dean said. "Now go to sleep."
As Sam laid there listening to his brother's deep and even breathing he knew nothing had changed. He still had to figure out why Jess and his Mom had died above him on the ceiling. He had to find the demon and destroy it before his brother and Dad were taken from him. But he felt a little better now that Dean knew. The reassurance from him that the older Winchester men didn't hate him had provided a relief he never thought he'd feel. A feeling of hope began to grow in him that maybe, just maybe, they'd all make it out alive.
The end