Ways to Make Oliver Cry:

1. Tell him that he's Amelie's rebound.

2. Go to Common Grounds, order the cheapest thing on the menu, sit at the largest table (or booth), and stay there all day, throwing flirtatious smiles at him and winking whenever he looks at you.

3. Ask if he lost the key to his chastity belt.

4. Pester him to do a southern accent.

5. Tell Oliver a sad story about a donkey who was humiliated in front of everyone because another donkey made fun of his tie-dyed shirt. Make a point not to mention how similar it is to the things Myrnin puts him through on a daily basis—let him figure it out on his own.

6. When he snaps at you to leave him alone and stop bothering him, ask if he's on his period. Add as a side note that you hope he doesn't cry.

7. When Oliver talks, tell him that you can't understand him because of his accent. (i.e., "Are you speaking English right now, because I do not comprehend a word that you're saying." "Sorry, did you just say 'missiles' or 'miss, I'll…'?")

8. If he's having a bad day, ask if babies make him smile. When he says no, tell him he's a soulless being because no one can resist smiling when babies are around.

9. "It's a good thing you're a virgin. Otherwise, there may have been miniature Olivers." Shudder to help make your point.

10. Throw a rotten tomato or an old head of cabbage at his face, and then ask him if it brings back memories of the 'good old days.' (Being in the stocks.)

11. Make pop culture references that he doesn't understand to make him feel left out. (i.e., when you first see him, say, "Ow! My eyes burn worse than after watching a Lady Gaga music video!")

12. Ask if he has an autographed copy of The Canterbury Tales. Or even better, if he babysat Geoffrey Chaucer for extra cash over the summer.

13. Tell him that you're glad he's a vampire and can't get fat because of all the fast food he must eat—the life of a bachelor must get to him, especially since he probably can't cook for crap.

14. "Do you groom your eyebrows, Oliver? Because they're both looking exceptionally lovely today." When his reply is, "Oh, thank y—wait. What. I don't. I do not groom my eyebrows," tell Myrnin so he can make posters of the news and hang them up all over Morganville.

15. Change Oliver's computer from Windows Vista to Windows Basic and make his desktop background orange.

16. String wires one foot above the floor in every doorway so he trips each time he walks in or out of a room.

17. Install an intercom system in Common Grounds and make an announcement at the top of every hour concerning the boy named Oliver just over three feet tall who has long hair and is most likely wearing tie-dye. Say that you hope he's safe because he just wandered off and if anyone finds him to please bring him to the front desk because his mother is very worried.

18. Tell him you read all of his diaries and you now understand exactly why he is the way he is.

19. See if he knows what a boner is.

20. Replace his marijuana with oregano.