A Christmas Diary, by Sirius Black
December 25, 1960 First Christmas
Got a bunch of baby stuff.
December 25, 1961
Got more baby stuff.
December 25, 1962
Got my first toy broom. Rode it everywhere; nearly killed Kreacher. Broke Mum's favorite vase. Rode it till I was too big to. Threw a tantrum when mum gave it to Reg.
December 25, 1963
Got some more stuff.
December 25, 1964
Got my favorite stuffed toy; one of Father Christmas' reindeer. Still reminds me of James.
December 25, 1965
I remember going to the family Christmas dinner for the first time. Mum made me dance with Bella. She was rough with me and stepped on my feet, and made fun of my outfit. Andromeda and I got a hold of some dung bombs, though, and dropped them on her and Cissy. Mum wasn't happy.
December 25, 1966
Andromeda and I were made to sit in the corner the whole time because of last year. Got a stupid fancy coat.
December 25, 1967
Andromeda didn't go and neither did I. Nobody seemed to want to see us. Good for me! Got some more stupid fancy stuff: a ring, some new dress robes, a new book. Got an owl, named it Romulus. Had nobody to write to. Wrote to self.
December 25, 1968
Went to Christmas party this year. Mum was angry that morning because Kreacher had fallen downstairs and was unconscious when she had to make the turkey we were bringing. She can't cook. Reg and I had to. Turned out awful. Andromeda was there, and we played fake duels the whole time. Bella met Rudolfus and they were betrothed today. Got squat.
December 25, 1969
Had to learn to dance properly this year. Bella did too, so when we danced we didn't step on each other's feet so much. Had to wear this ugly itchy shirt thing. Reg danced with Cissy. Rudolfus danced with Andromeda. Andromeda and I went and chucked peanuts at Rudolfus after. Big laughs. Got a real broom! Started Quidditch training with myself.
December 25, 1970
Hopefully the last Christmas at home. Cissy is to be married to Lucius Malfoy. He's an ugly, snotty boy. Mum hoped I would marry Cissy, but no way I would. Yuck. Got some new pajamas, and a fancy new cauldron for school next year. Reg got some really expensive racing broom accessories, because Mum hoped he would make it on the Quidditch team in his first year. Andromeda looked lovely.
December 25, 1971 First Christmas at Hogwarts
You will not believe everything that has happened since last Christmas! James, Remus, and Peter all got me superb gifts: A pair of mittens from Remus, a lovely new quill from Peter, and a wicked new pen knife from James. I'll always use it. We cracked jokes and ate till we were sick that evening, basking in the warm glow of the Great Hall, such a glow that I had never experienced before. I reveled in the lights on the twelve Christmas trees, the enchanted icicles lit up my eyes whenever I passed, and I couldn't help singing along with the suits of armour! I didn't have to dress up, I didn't have to dance or put up with Bella or Cissy if I didn't want to, and Reg and Mum were a thousand miles away! We danced anyway, in circles and circles round the common room on Christmas night until the morning of the 26th. We skipped classes that day and slept all day and night. I dreamed that the party went on in my head. James and I ruled.
December 25, 1972
You won't believe what James got me for Christmas! He got me the new Nimbus broom that I really, really wanted! Okay, so I'm still not good enough to be a regular on the Gryffindor team, but I'm their first substitute. Remus got me another pair of mittens, and I don't blame the poor bloke. Peter got me a new notebook. I slid down all the banisters backwards today and James and I raced down the marble staircase. Remus thought James won but Peter swore it was a tie. I ate till I was bursting, and stared lazily up at the starry ceiling in the Great Hall. Peeves blew a raspberry at me, but I didn't even care I was so happy.
December 25, 1973
I don't know why, but mum wanted me to spend Christmas at home with her, dad, and Reg this year. I did so, and just sulked around the place the entire break, missing James and Remus like mad come Christmas morning. I wanted so badly to run away, but she managed to get me into some dress robes and ship me off to the family party. Luckily I didn't have to dance this year, but Andromeda was gone away and married so I didn't have anybody to talk to. Lonely.
December 25, 1974
We spent the day sledding at Hogsmeade, on the hill by the Shrieking Shack where the slopes were empty; everybody was too afraid of Remus to come near! We laughed as loud as we wanted, and munched on the Honeyduke's candy that filled our bulging pockets. We stopped in at the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer around lunch, and Mme. Rosmerta had decorated the place like I had never seen it before. There were massive Christmas trees covered in red and gold baubles, garlands with tinkling little bells, and the whole place smelled of good cooking. She always served us first, as James and I were sure to smile extra wide and wink at her every so often. "Oh, you boys, you make me laugh!" she used to say. We made snow forts that afternoon and played snowball war, muggle-style. Peter and James were on a team and Remus and I on the other. My team won, but then James and Remus switched and my team won again. Remus and Peter and James all looked so happy in the snow playing together, and I guess that it was the last Christmas that we faced as children. The world was just more magical then, especially around the holidays.
December 25, 1975
Lost my bet with James, he got a date for Christmas before I did. The loser had to die his hair pink, so guess what color my hair was? Evans wasn't pleased one bit. Got tons of fantastic presents! Got a new fancy overcoat from James, new gloves from Remus, and a box of fancy chocolates from Peter. We spent all morning just tromping around the castle, wishing everybody a Happy Christmas, hexing Snivelly, playing snowball fight indoors, jinxing Snivelly, racing at sliding down the bannisters, and hexing Snivelly. Mme. Rosmerta decided that she wanted to have a Christmas party for the students at the inn this year, and so we all went down to the Three Broomsticks for dinner and an old-fashioned dance. I figured there would only be butterbeer there, so I snuck in some firewhiskey under my cloak. We basically danced from four to past midnight, and James and I had a little too much to drink; we were up on tables singing together over everybody. Trust me, though, being drunk isn't too bad if you've got your best friend with you.
December 25, 1976 Sixth year at Hogwarts
I woke up in the morning and transformed into a dog, ready to leap onto James and wake him up! I jumped and fell flat on the floor. I wasn't at Hogwarts, was I? Regulus called upstairs. I turned back into a human and yelled back that I was okay. I scrambled to the end of my bed to get my presents, but there weren't any there. Not a card, not a cracker. I heard Reg scream with delight as he unwrapped his new racing broom downstairs. I clambered downstairs to the kitchen, where mum was eating last night's pie for breakfast. I looked in the fire. There were my presents. Hundred of James's presents, hours of headache for Peter, and months of hard work for Remus were all burning. I whipped out my want and shouted, "Aguamenti!" and doused the fire. Horrified, I examined the ashes in the fireplace. Remus had made a fine pair of fingerless gloves, Peter had bought me a handsome leather bag, and James…he's bought me the expensive new robes I'd wanted for months. They crumbled when I tried to pick them out of the dust. I noticed a singed card, and went to examine it. A lump formed in my throat when I read, "Happy Christmas Padfoot – James". "Mum, what did you do?" I asked, my voice trembling. She didn't reply. "These mean a lot to me and you just threw them in the fire?!" She sniffed disdainfully. I cried hot, silent, furious tears. I saved the rest of my gifts from the grate and tiptoed up to my bedroom. I angrily threw all my clothes into my school trunk. I stole my father's rucksack and chucked all my other things in there, and put all my savings into my pillowcase, and slung it over my shoulder. I put on as many layers of sweatshirts and jackets that could fit so I could save space in my trunk. Then I brought the whole thing downstairs. Mum and Reg tried to stop me. "I'm sick of this!" I yelled. "You don't respect me, my ideas, my things, my friends…and it's all because I'm in Gryffindor, isn't it. It's all because I wouldn't marry Bella, because I don't like being rich, because I don't like being a Black, because I won't become a stupid Death Eater!" She tried to argue, but I silenced her with a charm. Reg tried to talk me out of it, saying it wasn't just mum's fault and that he didn't want me to leave, but I stunned him. "I hope Reg is a good enough son to fill in for me." I slammed the door in my wake. I turned to see the house to fade away. I took the Knight Bus to Hogsmeade and walked up to the castle, sobbing the whole way. I clutched the card that might have been close to my heart. My belongings were a burden, but I didn't dare abandon them. The wind was violent and erratic, biting my ears, cutting my cheeks, and whipping my hair in my eyes. I tied it back and kept going back to the castle, back to the warm common room, back to James. Remus was in the common room in the chair by the fire. I asked for James. He obliged with a worried look back as he climbed out of the portrait hole. I went upstairs and undressed in the dormitory, and started cramming my extra things under my bed. James rushed in and asked me what was wrong. I just cried and showed him the singed card. He stared at me blankly. "Mum burned my Christmas presents. I ran away." He quickly denied it. I shook my head yes. I sat down and wept bitterly. James knelt down next to me and took my hair down, and patted me gently on the back. I hugged him back and held on tight with my trembling hands. I finally got just what I wanted for Christmas. Later, we went to the Room of Requirement and broke into some firewhiskey. We laughed the night away, and we had fun tying James up to dye his hair; I won the Christmas date bet this year. We dragged ourselves back to Gryffindor tower in the wee hours of the morning of the 26th. James fell flat on his mattress and passed out. Peter didn't quite make it into bed, and started to snore on the hearth rug. Remus rolled James over and took his shoes, covered him up, tucked him in, and went to bed before passing out himself. I transformed into a dog with the little concentration and stamina I had left, and nosed my way under James' covers. He shifted and I put my head between his arms and collapsed next to him, my back pressed to his chest.
December 25, 1977 Seventh year at Hogwarts
They decided to hold a Christmas ball at Hogwarts this year! Usually around this time of year, James and I would play a game and bet on who could get a date the fastest, with all guys off limits. This year was different. I should have been busy strutting around for the girls, rustling a few skirts, upsetting some desks, and wearing my collar one button looser than usual. As James was taken, though, I was left to mope alone. He spent more time with Lily than with me! I fumed and mumbled curses under my breath that morning as I got dressed. The dormitory was empty; all the presents had been opened and everyone else was at breakfast. James had given me a necklace with half a charm on it, and he was wearing the other half around his neck right now. A tear dropped from my eye as I thought what he had gotten Lily. He had bought her the ring, he was going to ask her during the ball. He was planning to lay with her if she said yes, and he said he wanted tonight to be "special". Of all the nights that I was likely to pick up a date, and he had to go use it. I wiped my nose and finished getting dressed. I chucked my presents under my bed and slumped down to breakfast. The air was already thick with excitement over the ball, and I could feel the eyes on me and the murmurs, "Sirius Black…he hasn't got a date this year…think I could ask him? Think I stand a chance at him?" They had been planning their lines all year, and had kept some love potion on hand for just a situation like this. When one girl went so far as to make an attempt at spoon-feeding me breakfast, I whipped out my wand and shot red sparks at her to scare her. She yelped, jumped, and scurried off. James was feeding Lily bacon off his fork, with that stupid dorky look on his face. When she was done chewing, he stuck his lips on her face and she returned the favor. Remus was reading the paper and Peter was playing with his oatmeal. "Ahem," I said. James ignored me. Remus elbowed him. His eyes snapped back into focus and his lips came unglued from Lily's, and he looked at me expectantly. "Could you not snog while I'm eating?" Lily looked offended, saying that I hadn't touched my food. I grabbed the kid-next-to-me's cereal and stuffed some in my mouth. "Yes I have." She snubbed her nose at me, and then stuck her lips back on James'. The rest of the morning went the same way, and I had to face the eyes by myself, doing my best to not act so handsomely. I got fed up with it and locked myself in the dormitory, crying convulsively. James was in love and he was downstairs doing something fun without me. Remus broke down the door after half an hour, but instead of anger, he showed me kindness. He lent me a handkerchief and a pat on the back. I managed to stop crying soon enough and choke down lunch. I felt like James was torturing me with this, but it wasn't his fault. Lily had just been another girl, and she had been okay that way. But this serious commitment was eating my best friend alive. Remus denied everything I said; he said I was still James' friend. The rest of the day was a blur. I don't remember getting ready for the ball or going to it. All I remember is James and Lily dancing and looking happy together. I remember how brilliant the right was, and how Lily gasped and screamed in delight. At that point I couldn't bear it any longer. I ran to the lowest, coldest dungeon I knew, below the potions dungeons, beyond the catacombs where the ghosts met. I huddled in a corner and spent the night learning what it's like to be hungry, cold, and alone.
December 25, 1978
I didn't see James this Christmas. He was in the middle of a hostage crisis with the Death Eaters, and what's more, I think Regulus might have been the kidnapper. "How could Reg have beat him in a duel?" I thought, worried sick about James. I had appealed to Dumbledore at least twice that day to give in to the Death Eaters' demands, but he kept refusing me. Lily hadn't slept in days and had sort of shriveled up with worry, but somehow, she hadn't shown signs of cracking and going over to the other side. I had seriously considered it for a few hours, but then her strength gave me strength. "Loyalty before Family," us young recruits were always chided. We were always scolded for being young and rash, just out of Hogwarts, but half the people in the Order were under the age of twenty. Remus was away; he was busy keeping an eye on Greyback. I was worried for him too. I was sitting alone in my apartment with a dim fire struggling to stay alight in the grate, James' wrapped and unopened present in my lap. There was a knock at the door; I went up to it and looked through the peephole. To my surprise, Reg was standing on my doorstep. I opened the door reluctantly. Maybe they'd caught on to me. Maybe this was another Death Eater in disguise, playing off of my feelings as Reg's older brother. "Regulus?" I whispered. He gave me the secret password that we shared as kids and I instantly knew it was him. He was taller and thinner than I remembered, he was peaky and cold, he had a gash along one shoulder. "Reg, what happened?" I asked. He told me about how he had gotten out of the base where they were keeping James. He assured me that James was alright, he wasn't hurt or starved, only that he was worried for us. Reg looked up into my face with his steely blue eyes. They were wide with fear as he said, "I remember James at school. He's not a bad person. The Dark Lord…has threatened to kill him if your response is too slow in coming, Sirius. I've come with information that will help you take the base of operations by surprise, so you don't have to meet our demands, and you can still get your man back." I fell to my knees. "Regulus, are you kidding about this? You're not still on Death Eater duty with this?" "Just a brother," he replied. "God bless," I breathed. "What a nice Christmas gift." I alerted the order immediately, and we had a team of ten up in half an hour. With Regulus back in place amongst the Death Eaters to protect his identity as a double agent, we stormed the base, catching all the Death Eaters by surprise. I dueled Bella and narrowly stunned her, just barely dodging the Avada Kedavra curse. James was tied to a chair, wandless, in the basement of an abandoned factory. I rushed over to him, knelt down, and untied him. Regulus had lied about him being fine; he was freezing and starved, and it looked as if they had tortured him. I wrapped my cloak around him and took him home to Lily, who put him on the couch as he slept. "Sirius," she said, "God bless. What a nice Christmas gift."
December 25, 1979
For some reason the Order had decided to damn secrecy and hold a big Christmas party this year. James volunteered to have it at his house, since it had the Fidelius Charm on it and was practically in the middle of nowhere. Since I was secret-keeper, I had to write out the address to everybody in the order and deliver the little slips of paper personally. This was no mean feat, as all the different members were hardly in one place at one time. The party was a big hit; everybody brought their music and most festive attire. Andromeda showed up with Ted, and brought their little daughter, Nymphadora, who was an adorable six years old. "Call me Tonks!" she squealed when I greeted her. James and Lily took the time that night to announce that Lily was pregnant, to great applause and several more toasts than necessary. We were all surprised when Reg showed up shyly with Cissy, and I'm still embarrassed that we had them searched before we let them in. Reg hugged me tightly when I said hullo, and he apologized that he hadn't gotten me a present. I looked at him; he had grown up a lot. He was eighteen. I looked around. My stomach convulsed into knots when I saw Lily and James dancing so close to each other that they were almost the same person. I drank heavily and woke up in the guest bed the next morning.
December 25, 1980 Harry's first Christmas
Work for the Order had made it difficult to get to James' to visit. We all managed to make it on Christmas, though: me, Remus, and Peter. Little Harry was just starting to talk around Christmas, and he could crawl around the living room floor with conviction. I presented him with a toy snitch that hovered a few feet above the ground for him to chase, "He'll be a great seeker like his dad!" Remus brought him a knitted wrap for his first winter, to make him easier for Lily to carry around. Peter brought him a little jumper in Gryffindor colors. As James carved the Christmas turkey, I realized something about Lily. She didn't seem so bad in my eyes anymore. I began to see the ways in which James found her beautiful; I didn't wince when she smiled, and I didn't gag when she and James kissed anymore. Somehow I could find warmth in their bond, and with Harry, well, they made a perfect picture. "Padfoot, old friend, would you like the first cut?" James asked. I overflowed with joy when he said this, because I knew that I was part of his life, and that was just where I wanted to be. I smiled and said, "You know I do, Prongs." After dinner we unwrapped presents. James and Lily got me a handsome new cloak and dragonhide boots, Remus gave me a new pair of fingerless gloves, and Peter got me a new leather bag. My old one was worn out from all its hard work over the last year, living out in the world, constantly working for the Order. I held little Harry in my lap in front of the fire, and he grabbed idly at the chain necklace I wore, with a little charm engraved with the word "BEST". His eyes sparkled as he looked into the merry flames, his toes wriggled with delight as he trekked across the hearth rug. I transformed into a dog and stretched out on the floor with my belly facing the fireplace, and the baby rested against my ribs. Peter transformed as well and scuffled along the rug, climbing along my side to see the sleeping child. Lily bent over me to pick up Harry and take him to bed, but I whined in protest. "Sirius, you know your puppy eyes don't work on me," she said, but I knew that it was impossible to resist my puppy eyes. I whined a little more, and then she gave in. She set Harry down on the carpet with a blanket over him, and I licked the wispy, jet-black black hair out of his eyes. I was truly happy for my best friend, I was truly in love with his son, and I was truly thankful that we were all so fortunate as to be together in such a cruel world.
December 25, 1981 First Christmas in Azkaban
No. I was numb with fear; James was dead. His body lay still on the ground, eyes glazed and stuck open, his mouth agape, his wand still clutched in his hand. I reached out and touched his cheek. It was startlingly cold. A searing pain stabbed at my heart. James was dead. My best friend was dead. And it was all my fault. I screamed aloud, rending my overcoat, hot tears escaping from my eyes. I woke with a start. I grabbed compulsively for my charm necklace, but it wasn't there. They had taken it off me before they chucked me in there. The damp chill was gone from the air. I could hardly breathe from the cold, but I got myself up off the moldy bed of rags the previous inhabitant of my cell had made, and to my complete surprise I found the bars were open! I made a dash towards the exit, my heart thumping madly. My knees buckled and fell beneath me. I looked down at my skinny, knobbly legs and realized that they could no longer run. I thought of James and Remus and…well, the old days when we would run all over the sprawling countryside. I imagined James' cry of delight when I would run at him and bowl him over as a dog and lick his ears, but then I realized it was the attendant calling us out for something. Another inmate beckoned. All the prisoners were filing out of their cells and down the corridor to the antechamber below. I followed obediently, curious as to the occasion. Naturally as I did in a crowd, I looked for James and my friends. I noticed that it wasn't my classmates I was with. I put my head down and scuffed the rest of the way downstairs; every step on the frozen floor with my frozen feet was agony. The antechamber was well lit and there was sort of an assembly line forming: new effects were being handed out. New uniforms, new blankets, and new dishes. I snatched mine greedily from the attendants and hustled along to a long table where they were serving dinner or something. I almost felt warm just basking in the glow of the food. They had turkey, ale, gravy, the works. Christmas dinner! My appetite got the better of me and I ignored the tradition of being thankful on Christmas. I sat down, and shoved some other blokes down the bench to get a seat right near the turkey. I ate ravenously, much like the dog I was. I was eating among criminals of the highest degree. Some of them had actually done bad things. I looked down a few seats and saw Bella, Rudolfus, and Rabastan eating nastily. Bella had gravy all over her face and in her lap. So did I. Bella looked ugly and demented from her stint in here. I feared for my own looks, the looks I had been so proud of. She had only been in a week. Her eyes were already dark hollow sockets. Were mine? And she was thin. Was I? And her hair was wiry and knotted. Was mine? Was this a reflection of what was on the inside of her? Surely she was much uglier on the inside than what showed, but it had only been a week for her. For me? I had intended to kill, and God knows that if I had finished Wormtail off I would have been content to die in here and see James again. I had unfinished work to attend to. I did not care to share the same bread as the servants of Lord Voldemort. I wiped my face on the back of my wrist and left. One kid asked me what I was in for. I replied, "Murder and manslaughter, first degree." He kept his distance from then on. I went back to my cell kicking and screaming. The attendant threw me in, locked the bars, and summoned the dementors. "Please," I begged him as he walked away. "Don't leave me here!" I started to cry. "I can't spend another year in here! Hey! No! Unlock this door! This is a mistake! I won't spend another year in here, you hear me?! NO! DON'T LEAVE!" I broke out sobbing. I couldn't spend another year without light or warmth, without happy thoughts, without food or drink, without a bath, without a warm bed, without company or activity, without James or Lily or Remus. I couldn't spend another year without James! I couldn't bear to be away from him for a second longer! I wanted to see him, hear him laugh, see him smile, shake his hand and hug him like there was no tomorrow. I felt like half of me was missing. I thought about little Harry. It was his second Christmas. I wanted to be there, I wanted to see my godson. Then I figured he was warm and safe at Petunia's. And besides, I was a murderer locked up for life millions of miles away from him…would he even want me? The dementors caught a hold of me and I drifted back to Godric's Hollow, Halloween, 1981.
December 25, 1982
Somehow I found the strength to allow myself leave of the cage that had become my home, and somehow I managed to do things that normal humans do. I ate, I walked like the living dead, and I breathed, though I did not speak. It was all the more difficult to return to my cell when dinner finished, I took the opportunity to transform into a dog while I had the strength, and I went back to my ratty old nest and buried my head and fell asleep.
December 25, 1983
I hope I get out sometime, you know?
December 25, 1984
I feel so old, so slow, and so unimportant. Hardly recognized Bella. Still cold.
December 25, 1985
I miss James and Remus. I hope Remus is okay, though.
December 25, 1986 Fifth year in Azkaban
Cold. No dinner this year, budget cuts at ministry.
December 25, 1987
Cold, hungry.
December 25, 1988
Colder this year, so cold all the bugs in my bed froze to death.
December 25, 1989
How long has it been? I wonder if my other Christmases were nice. I remember Regulus, James, Remus, Lily…and…Peter, was it? I hope Harry's having a happy Christmas.
December 25, 1990
Cold.
December 25, 1991 Tenth year in Azkaban
Still cold.
December 25, 1992
I know Peter was the traitor. I will kill him for killing my James.
December 25, 1993
I will murder Peter Pettigrew, because of him I am in prison. Cold, new strain of lice managed to get in here.
"For twelve long years, the dread fortress of Azkaban held an infamous prisoner named Sirius Black. Convicted of killing thirteen people with a single curse, he was said to be the heir apparent to the Dark Lord, Voldemort. Now he has escaped, leaving only two clues as to where he might be headed: Harry Potter's defeat of You-Know-Who was Black's downfall as well. And the Azkaban guards heard Black muttering in his sleep, 'He's at Hogwarts...he's at Hogwarts.'"
December 25, 1994 First Christmas after Azkaban
The warm, golden light flowing out from all the windows and doors of the castle must mean that it's Christmas yet again. I'd been looking for a Christmas present for Remus all year, something really special. I ended up going after the Centaur herd and asking one for one of his tail hairs. He was a beautiful, shining, white color with white blond hair, name of Firenze. He recognized my name when I gave it and didn't shy away from me because of my corpse-like appearance, and agreed to give me one of his tail hairs. The rest of the colony glared at me disdainfully, and I tried to thank them the best I could before leaving. Speaking of Christmas presents, I hope Harry liked the Firebolt I got him. Now he'd be able to play Quidditch again, and it wasn't like I needed the money. That evening during supper at the castle, I transformed into a dog and snuck into the entrance hall and up the marble staircase to Remus' office. I expected it to be empty, but to my surprise and horror, it was not. Remus was sitting all bundled up by the fire, napping, and looking rather ill. I walked silently to his chair, the hair clutched tightly in my mouth. His right hand was hanging over the side of the chair, and I nudged it with my nose. He stirred, and looked around. I presented myself to him in front of the fire. He jumped so badly he almost tipped over his chair, and whispered, "Sirius!" so harshly he may as well have hit me. I whined, and presented the hair. "Is this…centaur hair?" he asked shyly. I wagged my tail in response. "Sirius, you shouldn't be here," he said scornfully. I whined some more. "No, I mean it. I won't turn you in, but don't you dare show your face here again. And you can stop trying to kill Harry, it won't work. He's under good protection." He looked at me quizzically. "Why would you try to kill Harry in the first place? I knew you…" he looked off into the distance. "Oh," he said, suddenly remembering something. "Here, this is yours." He pulled a chain necklace out of his pocket. It was James' locket from Christmas at Hogwarts, the night he proposed to Lily! I yipped excitedly and he smiled indulgently, and he placed the locket around my neck. "They gave me your personal effects when you went to Azkaban. I saved this because I know how special it is to you. The other half...I think you ought to know that it was buried with James. He was wearing it when he died." I put my head on his lap. "You're hurt," he noticed. "I won't be inhospitable." He got some bandages for a cut I got on my paw. He rinsed the dried blood and dirt out of the wound, and bound it tightly. "That ought to do it," he said. I jumped up and licked his ears affectionately. He laughed, and the laughter filled me with energy and delight! I noticed a smoking goblet on his desk in the corner. I went over to it and woofed softly. He nodded, "Yes, yes, I know. It's the bloody full moon again. And on Christmas too." He reached for the goblet and drank the Wolfsbane potion. He pulled a face and nearly spat it back out, but swallowed it dutifully. "Revolting!" he choked. He helped himself up and hobbled to his bed. It was a large full bed, covered with a down quilt and pillow. He sat on the bed and looked out the window right into the full moon. I watched him writhe and scream in agony as he transformed; hair sprouting at a painful speed, limbs extending and growing claws, his face forced to distort itself into a hideous muzzle. The werewolf lay flat on the bed, exhausted, whining, panting. Remus closed his eyes. I wanted to help, but there was only so much I could do as a dog. I leapt up on the bed next to him and transformed into a human. "Remus," I said simply, "I'm not trying to kill Harry. I love him. I don't want to bring anyone harm." Well, that part wasn't so much true. I went on, "I'm just here because I haven't anywhere else to go. I broke out of Azkaban so I could survive, you don't know how hard it is just to survive in there! All I want is to live in peace." I didn't want him to know that Peter was still alive, that would ruin him. It was better this way. I picked up the werewolf and cradled him in my arms, rocking him back and forth. He licked my fingers gently and I took that as a good sign. His eyes were full of pain and sorrow; the pain of being a werewolf and the pain of having me here at such a bad time. When Remus fell asleep, I tucked him under the covers and placed his head gently on the down pillow. I picked the Centaur hair off the floor where he had dropped it, and placed it on his bedside table. I transformed back into a dog and plodded away, down the marble staircase, across the grounds, back to the Forbidden Forest. The light from the castle faded, and I was on a mission again. Peter was in there. He knew I was on the loose, and he could kill Harry at any moment. That would win him an instant ticket back into Voldemort's inner circle. I found a sapling pine, and transformed back into a human. I gathered pinecones, dead flowers, and odd-looking branches and threw them on the tree as ornaments. I put a big fat pinecone on top. I sang "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing" as best I could, and next "Ave Maria". I sang it to the stars, because they were the only ones listening. I turned to the castle and sang Harry a lullaby quietly. I knew he was…what, thirteen? But still… I transformed back into a dog and went to sleep under my Christmas tree, the cold snow biting at my bones.
December 25, 1995
I've always loved Hogsmeade in the snow! I thought it was like icing on the little cottages and stores and postboxes, sort of just sitting there delicately. I gamboled around in the snow outside the village as a dog, went into town and begged a nice lunch around noon. Caught a nice ferret for Buckbeak's Christmas dinner, and had one myself. Somehow, Remus' owl managed to find me to send me a care package of mince pies, extra pairs of mittens and socks, a new quilt, and a pocketknife. I spent the evening and night looking at the stars under the cloudless sky, thinking of James. I pretended he was right behind me the whole time, and we were just minding the silence together. The thought of James being close brought hot tears to my eyes, and I just had to get up and look for him even though I told myself not to. I was bitterly disappointed when he wasn't there, and I screamed his name to the heavens, angry at the stars for deceiving me with their beauty, angry at them for letting me believe that James was still alive.
December 25, 1996 Last Christmas
JOY TO THE WORLD, I HAVE COMPANY FOR CHRISTMAS!!! The house sparkled; even I couldn't recognize it in all its splendour! I had to skip breakfast as Molly was weeping her eyes out over Percy or somebody…and the house was nice and quiet while the gang left to visit Arthur. Christmas dinner, though, was a real treat. Everybody showed up, and I mean everybody, except Dumbledore, of course. We played some upbeat music on the radio, and I swung Remus around the kitchen in a mock-waltz. He turned bright red when Nymphadora showed up with a pretty wreath of Holly in her hair, smiling benignly, eyes wide with merry spirit. I had fun bewitching things to beat Snivelly around the head and throwing bottle corks for Crookshanks to chase, but what I loved most was the warm look on Harry's face. There was a sort of glow in his eyes and a tender hint in his smile that told me he couldn't have been happier, and that confirmed all the suspicions I had had since I had been sentenced to Azkaban: Harry was happy to be alive, he was happy to be here, and when he gave me a thumbs-up, I knew that he was happy to have me near him and needed me. I had gotten what I had wanted for fourteen years, and on Christmas too.
When I hugged Harry goodbye as he left to go back to school, something inside me shifted. I started questioning my involvement with him and his friends. I was frightened, and as the Knight Bus disappeared with him on it, I realized why I was so scared; I felt like I had hugged him for the last time.