So pale, so damned pale that the only colour that Brendan can see is in the bruises and cuts that blossom and redden Ste's skin, but he can not look at them, can not look upon the pain or the slack features of his love.
He looks so lifeless, so...Oh God.
He moves away from the window and into the room, slowly and quietly as if trying not to waken the man that he knows can not hear him. Hovering close to the bed, he dares himself to look at Ste and throws a hand to the bed as he feels himself swaying towards collapse.
Pulling himself together he notes that there are no purposeful movements, nothing to see of the spark that fueled this body; only the mechanical service of the machines that surround Ste give any indication of him being alive.
He looks around the room, half expecting someone to rush in and deliver the punch line, only this isn't a joke and he is painfully aware of it. He can hardly breathe, suddenly overcome by the enormity of the situation that all he can hear is the damned machines and the sound of his own ragged breathing. For a second everything seems to blur until he forces himself to breath slowly and then he is back, back to reality, back to the pain and the anguish and fear; for Brendan Brady is terrified.
He sees a chair and drags it over next to Ste's bed, the noise of the legs scraping on the floor loud and obnoxious in the relatively quiet room. Sitting down, he closes his eyes then reaches forward to takes the lifeless hand in his and when he feels the warmth beneath his fingertips, he sighs and opens his eyes. A nervous smile pulls at his lips and disappears quickly as he catches sight of a blood stain on the sheet before him, his reaction the only way his mind can deal with what lays before him. Looking away from the stain, he traces the shape of the newly placed and shining ring on Ste's finger, an object that seems so out of place that he now finds himself wondering why it is there at all.
For long moments he forgets the wedding, forgets everything; all that he can think of is the fact that the newly torn hole in his chest is burning and what remains of his heart is aching.
"You can't leave me Stephen." He whispers, his head bowed and staring at the ring that makes his heart ache more intensively. "I can't lose you. You can't go without..."
Words fail him as he rubs the skin of Ste's hand, feeling the warmth that reminds him that he is still alive, still fighting.
The ring is irritating him; almost as if the thing itself is a symbol of his failure, mocking him as he continues to trace its shape. It is then that he remembers Doug, the wedding and the fact that he has failed himself, and worse, failed Ste. All he wants is for Ste to live, nothing else matters now. He raises his eyes to look at Ste, really look upon the man who is the only light in his darkened heart which has broken so completely that a sob slips from his lips in a moment of grief fueled weakness.
In that moment he feels everything; the self loathing at the pain he dealt Ste, the shame of his past, the knowledge that he has lost the chance to ever be happy.
He wipes his face down and puts on his mask of indifference in fear that anyone should see him in this moment of complete weakness. His eyes dart about in search of watching eyes and see no one to witness his breaking and so lifts the lifeless hand to his lips and kisses the skin of his beloved, wishing he could impart some of his own life into Ste's broken body.
Lowering his head he catches sight of the cross that had so inflamed Doug an hour earlier. The fact that he now stares at it and agrees with Doug's analysis is disconcerting at best and scary at worst. As the cross sways gently on its chain, he looks away from it to finally look upon Ste's face, to look once more at this man who stole his heart.
He stares hard upon the features of that face he has come to love, making sure that every detail is imprinted upon his mind so as to never forget, then gently lets go of his hand and stands up.
"I will always love you Stephen, I need you to know that. Until I'm...I'm in my grave." A tear falls from his eye as he is overcome with regret and grief, but it is quickly brushed away as anger fills his mind.
Without even a backward glance, Brendan leaves Ste's room and purposely walks down the corridor to the exit and out through the doors. He does not even feel the chill in the air nor hear the siren of the ambulances that bring more sick and dying to the hospital. All that Brendan Brady hears is Doug's words;
"Why do you wear that? Do you actually believe there's a God that would let this happen to someone good like Ste?"
He pulls the cross from his neck as he opens the door to his car. He was going to find out, and sell his love and soul for the outcome.