Discworld: Tour De Heart

Summary: It's the Color of Magic where Twoflower is a girl and Rincewind and she eventually fall in love. Why? Because I'm addicted to gender bending and I like the RincewindxTwoflower pairing.

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett. All I did was gender bend.

Notes: I haven't read all the discworld books yet, so I might make a few mistakes here and there. And I know, title sucks. I apologize.

*o8

Chapter 1: Ankh-Morpork

Once, long ago in a distant and secondhand set of dimensions, in an astral plane that was never meant to fly, the curling star-mists wavered and parted as the Great A'Tuin the giant swam through the empty space. Resting atop its back was a small world held up by four giant elephants in the shape of a disc.

On this world, riding upon the Circle Sea, in a rickety old, sea boat was Twoflower, the world's very first tourist. As the boat sailed this "tourist" sat in the captain's cabin studying her 'guide book' that she had made herself over the years. The captain had insisted she stay there as she made the sailors… "anxious." Why she could never guess, but if she had to she say that she had scared them a bit with her picture box. The captain said that there was another reason, but she didn't quite understand it.
Twoflower pressed the book to her chest as a dream filled sigh escaped a smile from pink lips. Her bright eyes sparkled with excitement behind large glasses. She was so excited about her destination she could feel herself glowing.

To think, that just a few months before she was sitting in a drab living room, serving tea(1). Wasting her life and prime years, like a wallflower. Now she was finally full filling her dream of seeing Ankh-Morpork. The place where heroes were said to gather.

At the foot of her bed a grunt of sleep was released. She glanced down and there laid a large, chest that seemed to be snoring. How a chest could snore, Twoflower did not know and yet it did, among other things Twoflower did not know a chest could do.
She had purchased the mysterious, yet enduring trunk from an even more peculiar little shop in her home town. Twoflower had been more than a little surprised when the trunk had started to move on its own, but quickly decided that having a chest that could walk on its own would be helpful while taking in the sights. Besides, Twoflower thought it would be nice to have company on her journey.

Originally, Twoflower had invited her sister, but she would have none of it. "People outta stay where they're put." She had stated. But Twoflower didn't buy that. If that were so, then there would be no adventures or tales of heroes. To this her sister had been quick to point out that there would also be no wars, but Twoflower had pushed this aside. Her sister always believed the worst of the world and sure she would meet her end in the world. Twoflower, however, knew better. She knew that despite what her sister thought, people were generally good and decent. They just made bad decisions sometimes.
Besides, it wasn't like Twoflower actually planned to get involved with anything, heavens forbid! She just wanted to look, watch, and observe everything. So long as she didn't let herself actually get tangled up with the fighting and such, no one would have any reason to harm her. Though the idea of being able to become a hero was very… exciting! It would never happen, mind, but you never know.

"Oh, I hope I get to meet as many heroes as possible!" she whispered to herself as she let herself fall back on to the bed, fantasies swirling around her head fueled by her own excitement.

'Who knows,' chimed a voice. 'Perhaps you'll be rescued by some dashing hero and fall in love.' Twoflower immediately rebutted herself. She wasn't on this trip to fall in love or anything of the sort. She was here to look and observe and then return home. Though honestly, if something like that were to possibly happen…
Twoflower once again had to rebuke herself. She was a woman in her middle years and heroes only went for the young, fair maidens in their prime. No hero would ever fall for her. Besides, she was a widow. And a good widow was to mourn their fallen husband until their own time came.

There was a knock at the door and the captain poked in his scarred face and looked at her with his one good gray eye.

"'e're comin' up on Morpork." He said. He eyed the suitcase suspiciously as it let out a grunt, apparently waking up. Twoflower jumped up excitedly and ran past the captain. The Captain watched as from the chest appeared many tiny legs that stretched as the luggage itself let out a yawn. The captain then threw himself up against the wall as it followed its mistress. On deck, the young woman ran to the edge. Her whole face contorted in to that of surprise before a wide smile broke across it.

"Oh, wow!" she said, eyes sparkling. "It's so wonderful! Isn't it a marvelous sight?" She held her straw hat as the wind blew her long dark hair, in two braids, behind her ears. It also blew her long, yellow, kimono decorated with and array of flowers, creating a fan effect as it feathered around her.

The captain squinted past her. If "marvelous" meant "decrepit cesspool of crime" then yes. Ankh-Morpork was certainly "marvelous."

When the boat docked and the sailors laid down the plank, Twoflower turned to the captain and shook his hand.
"Thank you for bringing me all this way," she said. "Do take care now!" The Captain seemed to chuckle at something amusing as he returned the shake.
"Aye," he had said. "You just be sor ter watch yerself now. I dunno what it is you want ter… 'look at,' but take from an old sailor; this town is dangerous. If you don't watch yerself yer gonna find yerself with yer head smashed." But as the sailor said this he knew his words were going over her head as her eyes were focused on the city. She looked like a child about to enter the candy store for the first time. She turned to him and assured him,
"Thank you, but I have the feeling everything will turn out just fine." Behind her, several sailors were straining their muscles to carry her luggage off the boat. They were moving rather quickly eager to get rid of the thing after months on board with it. With cheerful optimistic smile and eyes glowing with nativity that the captain had only seen in the eyes of toddlers, the woman turned and skipped down the plank. He shook his head as he turned away.
'She's a dead woman. Shame too.' He thought as he turned to get to work.

Once her feet hit the dock, Twoflower thought she was floating. Ankh-Morpork! She was standing in Ankh-Morpork! She didn't know where to begin! Well, now that she thought about it she should probably check into a tavern. Aside from the fact that was where the heroes would most likely be, she was quite tired from all the sailing for the past few months.
As she glanced around and noted that someone was coming towards her. He seemed to be quite an elderly man with rather raggedy clothes. As he approached he was holding out a mug. Her first contact with a local, how exciting! She fumbled with her pouch as he came closer.
"!" He spoke but Twoflower didn't understand what he had said. She looked up from her pouch and he jumped. Oh, dear! Had she startled him already? He turned to run, but Twoflower had grabbed his arm. "Please wait!" she said. He froze. Twoflower let go and quickly took a small black book from her belt thumbed through it. Then, reading from the first page she read
"Hallo."
"?" said the local. Twoflower looked at him blankly. Had he not understood her, or not heard her?
"Hallo?" she repeated louder and so carefully that Twoflower could hear the vowels tinkling into place through her blossom like lips.
"Hallo yourself," the man repeated. Twoflower smiled widely and almost jumped with excitement. Her first exchange with an Ankh-Morporkean! She fumbled yet again in her violet pouch. This time she withdrew one Rhinu, which was a large golden coin. As always, it was customary to pay for assistance when taking from their important time. Subtle changes in the beggar's posture made Twoflower feel a little more at ease. She let out a small breath as she consulted the small book again.
"I wish to be directed to a hotel, tavern, lodging house, inn, hospice, caravanserai," she read off. Good lord, that was a lot of words just to find a 'tavern.'
"?" said the local, taken aback.
"Pardon?" Behind her, Twoflower was unaware that a small crowd of fishwives, shellfish diggers and freelance gawkers were watching them with interest. The local tried to speak.
"!" But Twoflower didn't understand. Worried that he didn't understand her, she read again.
"I would like to be directed to an hotel, place of repose, tavern, a-"
"!" said the man hurriedly. He picked up one of the bundles and walked away quickly. After a moment's hesitation Twoflower shrugged and skipped after him. He must have understood her after all!
As she strolled through the streets after the man, Twoflower took in the sights with keen interest. Everything was so amazing! Defiantly different from where Twoflower had come from. Everything had an antique and lived in look about it, making it looked so historical. Her smile became so bright it could have lit the streets. This was definitely going to be a trip she would never forget.

End of Chapter

Well, here's chapter 1! I'm going to try and tell the story through Twoflower's POV mostly, but occasionally I will switch to Rincewind's, whom we will meet in the next chapter.

1: I don't believe they let women work as clerks in Twoflower's hometown, so I made Twoflower the widow of a clerk instead.

Oh, and for those who are wondering about my other stories, Weight of Memories, Secrets of Time and Ice, and Ice Age: Age of Man, here's the down low;

WOM: I'm working on it, but because this is a LONG and complicated story, it's going to take a while. I mean it; it has at least 5 parts. And also, I've started to lose enthusiasm because of I've been working on it so long, so I'm taking a break.

SOI&T: I'm waiting for the next book before I do anything more. Nothing else to say.

Ice Age: I'm just looking for the DVD and waiting to get my steam back.

And in defense for all of them; I have college and I've hit writers blocks. It sounds like an excuse, I know, but this is seriously it. College is a drainer and when I do have time to write I can't think of anything!