Scribblings on what Aktio's feelings towards Kureno may be by the end of the series..

I needed you too much.

That's a lie - I never needed you that much - but - somehow - I needed to need you. I had to know that your place was at my side whenever I called, even if I didn't actually want you. I lived for the reassurance of your obedience, twisting your loyalty and friendship into dependency, and an untrue, manipulated form of love. I needed you too much because I never needed you at all.

At night, when, in the soft, torturous hours of pale dawn, I lay awake, alone and longing for one person - I was too recklessly proud to call for him, so I called for you; you who would always answer me, you who would never reject me. You who'd pad softly into my room with your sleep-clouded eyes, searching for my source of pain and staying anyway when you couldn't find it. Wrapped in your arms I was safe from running into his and appearing weak - wrapped in my arms you were trapped, safely contained in my hateful embrace. You never once complained.

How could you? One sound of protest from your lips and my fragile, demented mind would have silenced them for good. So why now do I wish that, maybe for one night when I'd lain weeping your name in the dark, you'd have left me to? Its not some kind of self punishment, I never wanted you to leave me.

I wanted you to run away from me as far as you could, because then I would never have forgiven you.

This is way I need you to forgive me.

This is my apology for loving you.

Not that I'd ever tell you - still too proud, I can't admit I might have been wrong after so long. It was never a kind of love either of us needed - not that between two people who chose to be with each other, it was between one person who ached for another so clung to you to prove that I didn't. I could mask my feelings for him behind you and then tease them out of him by pretending to love you.

Only that failed miserably; sending him into the arms of another when he thought I loved you more. Then I hated you for ruining all hope of things between us, even though it was my fault, my stupid idea to use his jealousy that didn't work. I told you everything was your fault.

Everything was my fault. Don't you see?

I never really needed you, so I had to be near you more than any other.

I was in love with him, so I convinced myself you were the only one I needed.

If you'd have left me, I'd have punished you for leaving me.

But because you never did I wish to god you'd never met me.

And now that you're gone, now that you have a new life, now that you're free - I still - nevertheless - I still hate you for leaving. Even though I'm so glad you left before I totally broke you. A part of me still wants to because a part of me knows I could. I take everything from everyone. I'm glad you left before I destroyed you completely… I wish I'd destroyed you completely because then you'd never have left.

Is this an awkward, nonsensical kind of love?

Is this me still trying to posses you?

Is this just me wanting to possess everyone?

Or is this me - somehow - even though I have everything now, even though I don't need you, even though I know it wont bring you back - with no hope of changing the past, and no manipulative agenda -

Just trying to tell you - that I miss you ?