Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls and I do not make any money from these writings.
Rating: PG-13
A/N-1: This is the third story in the Hidden Thoughts 'Verse, sequel to Hidden Thoughts – Dean POV and Hidden Thoughts – Jess POV. I plan to do one final story in this 'verse and it will be a much longer fic than the first three. So keep your eyes out and maybe put me on your Alerts, yeah?
A/N-2: This is set somewhere after Jess left Stars Hollow. Also, I am going to ignore that whole affair business with Dean and Rory when he was married to Lindsay because honestly I hated that… so beneath them! Okay, so on with the show…

~*~

Dean was my first love. Strong and capable, sweet and charming… he was the ideal boyfriend until Jess arrived in Stars Hollow. Jess was so much like me and I found myself attracted to the James Dean 'Rebel without a Cause' persona that seemed to roll off him in waves.

They, each in their own way, were perfect for me and for a long time I had trouble trying to be with one while attempting to ignore the other. If I could've melded them together they would have been everything I wanted and needed in a partner, but that was a ridiculous effort to excuse my part in the events that took place between the three of us.

In the beginning I found the hostility between them annoying and aggravating. I wanted to ignore the painfully obvious fact that I was caught between the two of them and they were not helping at all. Their heated exchanges always left me feeling drained and sad, disappointed in myself and them… wanting to find some way to end the depressing love triangle that was my life.

Later, after Dean broke up with me, I was free to be with Jess and for a while it was peaceful. I had him and that was all I needed or so it seemed. But there were hidden lies and half truths, things we all kept from each other and chose to ignore in ourselves and the lies began to slowly surface and rock the foundation of my seemingly blissful relationship.

It was no surprise that the little bit of gossip that sparked the beginning of the end came from the town's two most notorious gossips. A conversation between Babette and Miss Patty about Dean, Jess and I changed everything in a few simple minutes. The conversation had been about the latest scuffle between Dean and Jess and Miss Patty mused that it was sexual tension that fueled the fire between the two.

At first I laughed it off… they couldn't be attracted to one another… could they? I tried to ignore the churning in my stomach telling me that it was true, but it wouldn't go away. Before long I was actively spying on them trying to see if I had missed something so massive that it would change everything about what I knew about them. I watched as they glared at each other, ignored each other and tossed out threats and glib remarks. As the days went on I began to see little things that I have conveniently overlooked before. Glaring truths that were so obvious that I found it hard to believe I had never seen it until then.

They seemed to always know where the other was in relation to the other. There were hidden glances and times where they actively sought out the other if only to argue yet again. When they fought there were touches that lasted a little bit longer than they should have, numerous times where bodies slammed against the other... flushed cheeks, moans and groans that if viewed without rose colored glasses were just a little too erotic and filled with masked pleasure.

I was angry and hurt, scared in the thought that I was some strange being that took a straight male and turned him into a homosexual! I tried to put those rose color glasses back on and return to the land of denial where I was happy and content. For a while it worked, but it was foolish of me to think that it would last.

Jess and I began to drift apart; we ignored the cracks in our relationship and held back things from each other. We spent less and less time with each other and before what used to be cracks began to turn into chasms and soon there was no hope to fixing a relationship that shouldn't have begun in the first place.

I don't know what I expected to happen and to tell the truth I was relieved when he left. He had the strength to leave when it seemed I lacked it and that saved us all. I find the roll of the bitter Ex useless and not worth the effort and sometimes wonder if there is any hope for them… I was able to see the feelings they each seemed to deny, the heated glances and sad looks of disappointment, longing and desire. If I couldn't have them then maybe they could have each other?