Disclaimer: Hermione is owned by J.K. Rowling. And the song, In crowd, (in italics and separated) is by Mitchel Musso. It's the only song I've heard by him and it sort of clicked with something in my brain when I first heard it...
All stereotypes are intended.
Set in Hermione's last year before Hogwarts. Enjoy.
Spin away the combination for the last time.
Say good-bye to this year.
Hermione spun the combination on her lock. She got out the last of her books and with a sigh closed the door on her empty locker.
It was the last week of term at Miss Wellingtons' School for Girls. The students had been instructed to clean out their lockers and return the locks to Mrs. Miller at the office. Apparently students needed nothing but a pen to take exams, though Hermione knew she would be carrying her books until the last possible second.
She was walking down the hallway, her ordinary black dress shoes making soft thumps on the ground. She looked down at them like she always did. The familiar black shoes and the familiar green socks. Every thing about Wellingtons was dark green, including the uniforms. Hermione hated it. The color looked like a mix of ever greens and mud. It was one thing she definitely wouldn't miss in Secondary school.
I wish I could avoid the empty
summer days that await me.
She stopped and looked up outside of Mr. Barrow's class. He had been her favorite teacher. He could recite the history of all of Britain practically from the top of hid head. He got so involved and excited in lectures. Hermione would miss his enthusiasm.
Across the hall was Ms. Wright's room. Se taught literature. Hermione's peers had complained that she was difficult and mean. But Hermione had always gotten top marks in her class. If the other students had paid attention and taken good notes, she was sure they would have done just as well.
She let out another sigh. She didn't understand how her classmates could hate school so much. To her it was a fantastic place to learn about the most interesting topics and engage with knowledgeable teachers. And the thrill of the adrenaline rush as her hand flew into air, the answer to a question that had been asked on the tip of her tongue, fighting for freedom into the air…well that was something that she would miss terribly during the summer. There are always books… she thought.
They'll fake a small goodbye,
celebrating their new freedom.
Hermione heard giggling in the hall ahead of her, which was common enough now that term was nearly through. She was going to walk past without giving them mind, but one of them said to her, "Good summer, Granger."
Hermione looked up and recognized the girl from her year. She mumbled, "And you, Hobs," then scurried away. The girls went back to giggling, quite possibly from Hermione's quick and awkward departure. That's the first thing she's said to me out of a classroom. Could she really possibly care about my summer? Or is she so excited about her summer plans that she doesn't care what she says. I hope she meant it. Maybe next year we'll be friends…
I sit alone on the couch,
wondering why
After Hermione returned the lock she began the walk to her house. When she got home she set her bag down in a chair near the window. Her parents were at work, as always, so she took out one of the books that she had refused to give back to one of her teachers, claiming she would lose valuable study time, and plopped down on the couch.
She was reviewing how to multiply fractions, when she heard a bouncing sound. She observed that it was quite regular. Bounce, bounce, bounce, pause. Bounce, bounce, bounce, pause. Hermione looked out of the window and saw her neighbor playing basketball. He was a few years older than her and seemed to be practicing shooting. She wondered why he wasn't studying. She knew that older student had exams too and he couldn't possibly know everything that he needed to. She shook her head and glanced away from him, her gaze accidentally falling on the rarely used TV in front of her. The thought crossed her mind, How many other kids are watching this right now instead of studying? I can't be the only one devoted to my books. She thought about how her teachers had tried to convince to bring in her books by telling her that every one else had already brought them in. So I'm the only one determined to get a good education while the rest of them are out there playing or talking on the phone about how great their summer will be. Hermione went back to her studying, not understanding how they could be so negligent.
I wonder what it's like to have it all,
To never be afraid that I would fall.
The sound of the basketball became too distracting for Hermione to concentrate. She put her book to the side and sat back, trying to block out the noise without much success. She got to thinking what it would be like to be playing outside or watching TV right now. Or even calling up some girls from her class and talking about something funny. Then she wondered what it would feel like not to be scared of doing poorly on exams after wasting all of that study time. But she couldn't help wondering what it would be like to have friends like that, who had fun and made lasting memories together.
I don't think I've ever known a time
that I was part of the in crowd.
Who was Hermione kidding? She knew she could never be like "them." They were so different from Hermione. They had lives outside of school and lots of friends. What did Hermione have? Herself, her books, and the couch.
Here we go another day, anther disgrace,
Fall flat on my face.
The next day at Wellingtons, Hermione was the only one walking around with something other than a pen in her hands. She was carrying her science book so she could study in the time between her math and history exams.
She was walking between her exam rooms, reading from the book, and not wanting to miss a moment of study time. Suddenly her book was flying through the air and she was landing face first on the hard linoleum floor. She heard someone snicker, "Can't even take her nose out of a book long enough to watch where she's going." Hermione looked up to see the large girl who had tormented her throughout her years at Wellingtons. The crowd began to laugh and someone kicked away her book. She was blinking back tears, from the pain of falling and the humiliation of being ridiculed, as she stood to retrieve it.
I wish I had a bunch of money.
Catch a plane, Head out west.
Hermione ran the rest of the way to her exam room. Her face was still burning red when she reached it and all of the girls who walked in after were staring at her shamelessly. Hermione could feel each gaze searing into her flesh. She wished that there were something she could do to make them all stop as she sank into her chair, trying to be invisible in the spotlight. Better yet, she wished she could leave the school entirely. Maybe even the country. Anywhere where she wouldn't be ridiculed as the clumsy bookworm.
She began wondering if she could convince her parents to move as far west as America, when Mr. Barrow put an exam in front of her, and she was instantly brought back to present. But all of the eyes around the room were still staring at her. She hunched over her desk and tried to focus on the test.
Still run and play around.
All full of the fans of freedom.
After the exam, Hermione felt a little better. She knew she had aced it and looking around the room, she could see that the other girls were now much more concerned about their exam scores than her trip in the hallway.
The girl sitting on Hermione's left was Meredith and she wasn't exactly friends with Hermione, but they occasionally talked to each other and were on a first name basis. Meredith didn't judge Hermione as harshly as everyone else. They had even talked about books they'd read before or about some of Mr. Barrow's lectures. But they didn't sit together at lunch, or talk over the phone, or meet up anywhere outside of school. So not really friends, but Meredith was as close to one as Hermione had.
I sit alone on the couch,
wondering why
After school that day, Hermione couldn't bring herself to study. On her way home, some girls in a school bus had shouted insults at her and asked with nothing but malice their voices if she was blind or had had her nose in the book for so long that it got stuck.
All that she could manage was to unceremoniously throw down her bag and drop onto the couch. Why do they pick on me? she thought, What's so great about being them and so lame about being me? Just because I love books and learning doesn't mean that I'm below them. If anything, it means that I'll surpass them in the future.
I wonder what it's like to have it all,
To never be afraid that I would fall.
I mean, Hermione reasons with herself, we can't be that different. I know that the popular girls have straight usually blonde hair, whereas mine is a mousy brown poofy cloud around my head. And the sport girls are into playing volleyball and even rugby, while I can't even catch a ball that's aimed at me. And I know that the darker gothic girls like to talk about death and listen to heavy metal music, though it hurts my ears and I prefer thinking of the beauty of life. And I know that I've almost had some decent conversations with the girls in band and orchestra, but as soon as they found out I didn't play anything, the shut me out of their circle too. And I know that the group of girls who like to study together are smart like me, but they never let me get near them without leaving with an arrogant huff and a jealous stomp… Hermione sighed. These thoughts weren't making her feel better. We all wear the same ugly green uniform. she thought. But even that seemed to look ugliest on her. She started to wonder if she dyed her hair blonde and found a way to straighten it, or it she took up a sport, or became obsessed with death, or decided to play an instrument, or even only raised her hand for half the questions in class, if they would accept her. If they would be a real friend to her…?
I don't think I've ever known a time
that I was part of the in crowd.
Hermione knew that she would never know the answer because she'd never be one of "them." Even if she did all that stuff, changing her appearance and what she acted like, they'd never accept her, not for who she really is anyway. She'd just have to wait out her school years and keep persevering. Forever an outsider looking in.
Doesn't anyone here live an original life?
What did you surrender to be on the inside?
The next morning Hermione was waiting for school to start. As she wound her way through the halls to her exam room, she couldn't help noticing the cliques of girls. There were the popular girls, twirling their straight blonde hair through their perfectly manicured fingers. Then there were the goths looking sullen in a corner that seemed to be darker than the rest of the hall. The sports girls were gathered in front of the notice board, talking excitedly about their next game. She saw some girls holding various shaped black cases that she assumed held instruments that the girls used to play the songs they were discussing. Hermione walked by the girls who studied and over heard them talking about fun museums to go to over the summer. Even the girl who'd bullied Hermione was surrounded by some tough looking girls. It was eerie to see them all lined up like that. It made Hermione feel so alone, as if all of those girls existed in their groups purely for the purpose of making Hermione feel like an outcast.
When you disappear they won't remember your name.
You'll just fade away when someone takes your place.
Takes your place
In the in crowd.
The bell rang for lunch and Hermione was swept up with the rush of girls into the dining hall. She sat at her usual table, alone...as usual. Except instead of reading, today she glanced at the other girls. She saw the group of popular girls in her year, giggling like they always seemed to do now, then she looked around and found to 'other' groups of popular girls in some of the younger years. She was able to find multiple groups of music girls too throughout the years…and sports girls.
This observation made Hermione wonder if there had been these same groups in the girls before her year. She wondered why no one talked about them. Had they acted the same as all of the other years? The question reminded Hermione that she hadn't been looking an outsider like her amongst any of the other years. Hope quickly fluttered in her chest as she began searching the tables for a younger girl sitting by herself like Hermione. After scanning her eyes back and forth across the tables, she saw that every girl was in a group, talking with her friends. Now Hermione knew that she was truly alone.
Spin away the combination for the last time.
Say goodbye to this year.
I wish could avoid the empty
summer days that await me.
They'll fake a small goodbye,
celebrating their new freedom.
Hermione was reflecting on what she had discovered while she was on her way home from school. She knew that she had always felt different from the other girls, but now she'd realized just how vastly different she was.
She remembered how she'd taken the lock off her locker and walked down the hallway alone. She'd reminisced about her teachers, alone. And she'd been alone when she'd run across that girl from her year. She'd had friends, friends that were giggling and planning for a great summer, together, whereas Hermione knew that she would spend hers alone. That girl knew Hermione would be alone and she'd said her goodbye to mock her. Hurt from seeing the true meaning of the words, Hermione ran the rest of the way home, tears streaming behind her.
I sit alone on the couch.
She threw herself down onto the couch as soon as she was through the door. She was sobbing into the cushions. How could I have been so blind? What do those people really think of me? I'm probably just the weird girl who is always answering questions and who actually likes doing the homework assignments. All those years have I just been the punch line to a big inside joke? The girl that everyone made fun of because she didn't fit in with anyone? Hermione shook her head to try to clear her thoughts.
But I'm ready to fly.
After her sobs had run out, she returned to more rational thoughts. Why am I letting them do this to me? That question gave her the strength to make herself sit up, but she still brought a pillow with her that she could hug to her chest.
She glanced at the clock on the wall to see how long she's laid on the couch. It's a good thing that I don't have any more exams to study for. That bought a smile to Hermione's face.
I wonder what it's like to have it all,
To never be afraid that I would fall.
I don't think I've ever known a time—
She looked out of the window to see cars zipping back and forth. The smile was wiped from her face when she thought about the people who were probably in those cars. She began wondering where they were going and what they planned on doing. She imagined them full of girls with friends who were laughing and talking excitedly about how great summer would be. She wondered if she'd ever been like that…or if she could ever be.
She abruptly ended her thoughts. She was feeling sorry for herself, over what? A stupid group of girls.
I wonder what it's like to have it all,
To never be afraid that I would fall.
And I don't think I've ever known a time
that I was part of the in crowd.
She thought about it again. What it would be like to be "in" with a bunch of girls who had nothing in common with her. To be mindlessly following a pre-set path in society that had been taken by thousands before her. Hermione knew that she would never choose that for herself.
I don't need anything that I can't find in me.
She knew she wouldn't ever want that. She'd want to be herself. And if they couldn't accept her for who she is, then she didn't need them. She was not different, but unique. Some day she would find someone who understood that.
All my life I have been out of line, at the end.
She would forge her own path, make her own self. All through her life she'd been different. Now that she thought about it, she'd never really ever fit in.
Waiting for something more, something new to begin.
Every year Hermione had tried to convince herself that there would be some new people that she could be friends with in her class. Or that the ones who had ostracized her for so long would finally accept her.
Waiting for something more, some way to fit in.
Every year waiting, waiting, and waiting. And every year she was met with nothing but disappointment. Well she was tired of waiting. Hermione jumped off of the couch and threw her pillow aside.
In the in croooooowwwd.
She heard something slip through the letterbox and she went to retrieve it. It was the normal post, but at the back was a letter addressed to her! Someone somewhere knew she existed and they had made an effort to let her know that! They had written to her! She dropped the other post as she flipped the letter over and marveled at the intricate 'H' pressed into the wax seal. Then she ripped it open and pulled out the contents. She read through the letter, her eyes darting back and forth so quickly, they seemed more like they were spinning freely in her head. When she got to the end she started over reading from the top, not believing what she had read the first time. She had nearly finished reading it again when she had tears in her eyes that blurred her version. Because she knew that she had finally found somewhere where she'd belong.
In the in crowd.
I didn't realize how many lyrics were in this song when I started. I literally thought of this in the shower then got out and sat down for a couple hours writing it. Ah, the perks of summer, which has sadly come to an end :(, and I thought for the last thing I write to start back at the beginning would be fittingly ironic :).
I know that my Hermione is off and that I kept changing tenses, and if anyone has advice you're welcome to give it freely.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! And I do respond to all of my reviews, so if you don't, then you're missing out on a wonderful conversation.