Fleeting Youth
"I plan on holding onto my youth for as long as possible."-Chuck Bass
Chuck Bass was graduating, and on this milestone morning (which he spent typically drinking scotch) he recalled words that had stayed with him from the age of ten.
He'd heard that when you left high school everything changed and nothing was ever the same again.
Youth was left behind, complete abandonment enveloped you and everyone grew apart, no matter how much they swore they wouldn't. He wondered if it was true, and though he'd never admit it aloud, he hoped it wasn't. However there were some obstacles ebbing the flow of his hope. They were revelations which had, with time, come to him.
The problem was you grew. You grew up no matter how much you didn't want to, no matter how much you resisted. Because everyone eventually had to become an adult.
Chuck often thought wryly, that most people spend the formative years of their life wishing they were older, so they could get on that ride, or into that club. Then they spent the rest trying to recapture their youth so they had something to anticipate and a life that was just simple.
There was no such thing as a Peter Pan, no such thing as Neverland, that dream was shattered once you were at the precipe, the edge of youth and adulthood. And finally you have the revelation, the biggest of your life.
Everyone had to grow up, whether they wanted to or not. Or so Chuck has heard.
Personally Chuck hadn't reached that point yet, and he was still holding resolutely to the fact he had a while at least, before it happened. Before he had to look in the mirror and take stock of where he was and what he was going to do with the rest of his life. Before he had to take responsibility, and be mature about everything. Honestly, before his father's death he had though that it never had to happen. That was when his father was alive and so ready to make him feel like a useless child, what was the need to grow up when you always had someone there to clean up your messes?
Even after his father's death he'd always maintained a grip on his youth, up till now. Because Chuck Bass was resolutely stuck, or so he had thought. Chuck was stuck at immaturity, manipulation, petty revenge and insecurity. All the simple things of childhood he had carried close to his chest. He liked to think he had perfected them, as he experienced more of the world.
Chuck had never wished to get older, not once he reached the age of ten. By then he had been established as practically useless by his father. He had begun to learn that rules didn't always need to be followed, nay most of the time they needed to be broken. By then he had learnt the advantage of being a minor. People didn't blame you when you chucked a tantrum in the street, nor when you dropped wine on your clothes. It was always someone else's fault, you were just a kid, you didn't know better. You were shown what to do and how to do it, and told where to go. And Chuck had loved to just mess that all up, the organization, the planning. And occasionally you got yelled at or grounded (if you were even noticed) but then you were out again doing the same mistakes and people would say, "He'll grow out of it someday."
That was the thing about being a kid, you had time. Time to grow, time to learn, time to figure things out...
Blair had always thought once she grew up she would know and control everything. Serena, that she would be free and able to do what she wanted. Nate that he would stand up to his family and escape their shadow. But Chuck had known that once he grew up all he could expect was that everything would just get harder, because then people would begin to expect things from him. And he wasn't disappointed, because it was beginning to happen already. People were already expecting more.
Blair expected him to be a boyfriend, Nate an understanding friend. Eric a big brother, Serena a caring confidante, Lilly a charming son and Bart..who knew what Bart had come to expect of his son, perhaps eventually he had allowed himself to hope for a success. The thing was Chuck couldn't fill their expectations, not the way they wanted. He knew how to be a lover, a drinking buddy, a patron, a conspirator, a player and a disappointment...but he didn't know how to be that more they expected. He wasn't ready for expectations; he didn't think he ever would be.
They'd all wanted to be something when they grew up. They'd had to write it on a piece of paper and read it to the class in second grade, or maybe third he thought...He never had really payed much attention in school, he was beginning to regret that. Regret, another unfortunate result of growing up.
Blair had said she wanted to be the first lady, Serena a model, and Nate had said he wanted to be a pilot. Chuck had stood up there and said "When I grow up, I'm going to be Chuck Bass." They'd all laughed at that, thought it was just Chuck being his usual smartass self. The truth was that he had no idea who he was going to be. All he could be certain of was that he was going to be Chuck Bass. In ten, twenty, thirty years that would never change no matter how much he wanted it to. It was just up to him, across those years, to figure out who exactly Chuck Bass was.
Because Chuck Bass, as confident and worldly as he acted, had no idea who Chuck Bass was going to grow up to be. He wore a trademark scarf, had his own unique and eccentric style, drank scotch too much and womanised. Those were all the things Chuck Bass did, but who Chuck Bass was, that was still a mystery to him.
Like Blair had said, Chuck Bass wasn't a reason; it had never been a reason. It had always just been a question. And he'd always hoped someday someone would give him an answer, not just look at him and sigh, or roll their eyes and accept it, as if it was some sort of conclusion rather than a query. That one day he would say it, say "Because I'm Chuck Bass?" and someone would answer with "No, Chuck Bass is better then this", or even "That's why I love you"...
And now Chuck appeared to run out of time. Because he was getting ready for graduation. And after this everything would change. Because after this he would officially be leaving the realms of school, and gossip blasts, and children who rebelled for want of anything better to do. After this he would officially take over his father's company, he would be playing in an adult world and there would be no one to clean up his mess if he failed. Everything would be serious, and mature and responsible and real. And Chuck had tried to be running from all those things for most of his life.
He knew they were all just players on a never ending stage, but Chuck wasn't prepared to go out in the spotlight just yet. Because despite his confidence, his smirks and snide comments, he was afraid that he was going to fail at life. And that was different then failing a test, or cutting class, or getting caught drunk at thirteen. Because once you failed life that was it, the be all and end all, the end. And Chuck had felt like everything had only just begun. And he just needed some more time, some more time to play the game, to make mistakes and rely on charm and bribes and threats and manipulation to get him out of any trouble he was in.
The one thing Chuck had known when he was ten was that he would never grow up to be like his father. A workaholic, he had been cold and distant with everything he touched and ost of all alone. But he was afraid once he started donning that business suit; passion, and fire, and impulsiveness and the games would all disappear. In the end all that would be left would be cool logic and calculation, and he would eventually be alone with just that responsibility, weighing him down.
He was beginning to feel a new appreciation for the freedom school had given him, as ridiculous as the concept seemed. He had always found it boring and unnecessary. He had cut most of his classes, his attendance record was almost nonexistent, and most of the time he had spent smoking a joint outside or drinking in his limo. But now he realised that school had at least supplied him with clear lines and knowledge. It was nothing if consistent.
Once you left one grade you knew where you were going next, and what you were going to do. You knew you'd see your friends there every day, whether you were talking or not. You knew if you messed up it would be a gossip girl post and the talk of everyone for a month, maybe two, but eventually something new would come along and everyone would forget and you'd be able to move on with your life with ease.
In school you knew that you would never fail, because the teachers would push you and prod you and nudge and lecture you into the next stage. And the most you had to worry about was detention, where you mainly sat and read magazines, at the pretence of studying a text for some subject you didn't care about. And you knew someone would always say it, "Oh he's got a lot going on in his life," or "Oh he's troubled." They'd make excuses for you and everything would work out in the end, predictably.
As a student you were free to mess up in as many ways as you wanted. You could get into as many fights, drink as much scotch, because it was never your fault. Because you were young and dumb, and you were meant to mess up. And there'd always be someone to care about you, albeit negatively, to reprimand you for a shirt untucked a tie undone, to demand a note explaining your absence the day before, to care whether you were alive or dead.
And always those halls would be waiting for you, filled with the same classmates you'd shared them with for mst of your life. And you'd be walking them with the same locker, and the same uncomfortable uniform, and the same pompous assemblies and the same enemies and the same friends.
And you would always belong to one united body, no matter how much you scorned the other participants. You would be a part of this institution which was payed to care for you. And school would always be there, come rain or shine, catastrophe or celebration. And though he wouldn't miss the classes and the uniforms and the hypocrisy (which though he used for his advantage he also despised) he would miss that consistency school had provided.
Because in life there were billions of people, who were struggling through it same as you, and who didn't give a damn who you were. In life if you screwed up, nobody cared about the excuses you made, you could never fix it, not by a written apology or a detention. Because as an adult you were living in it, in real life, and you weren't meant to screw up or be dumb. You were suddenly meant to know how to handle everything that was thrown your way. And that seemed and impossible task to Chuck. Because life was never the same, it was never predictable. And it was frightening, because he had no idea where he was going to be next year or what he was going to be doing, though Chuck Bass would never admit to being scared.
And he could already see parts of what seemed now like a prophecy coming true. Friends grew apart no matter what they'd sworn when they were young. Because he, Nate, Serena, Blair, they weren't the same, and they weren't any better, not together. They were slowly drifting in different directions, turning into people they hadn't expected, and they weren't fitting together as easily as they had before. And Chuck didn't know whether it was worth the fight to keep them together, or whether any of them were willing to try.
When Chuck Bass had told his father he planned to hold onto his youth for as long as possible, that remark wasn't as flippant as it appeared. Because in reality Chuck was clinging to it, for these last few maybe minutes, maybe days, maybe months he had left. And he could feel it slipping through his clutching fingers like sand. And he knew once summer was over and high school was left behind, nothing would ever be the same. Because he would be Charles Bass, CEO of Bass Industries. And Chuck Bass, that youth he never had enough time to figure out, would slowly fade away as the years passed.
A/N: totally AU and depressing, but I needed some therapeutic writing and since Gossip Girl is my new favourite TV show and Chuck Bass my favourite character I thought I might as well write from his viewpoint. I've only seen up to season 2 as we don't get season 3 here yet ( well only on Foxtel so I have to wait for DVD) stupid Australia!!!! Anyway I always thought that Chuck was just a little bit more childish inside then he let on, and he enjoyed the freedom of no responsibility, which running the company and everything would kind of take away. And I know I would feel pretty suffocated contemplating that situation, heck I'm having a hard enough time thinking that people are gonna start calling me lady = (Ahhhh youth crisis! Anyway enough ranting, please review if you read!
Oh and I know the grammar and spelling sucks, but I can't be bothered right now.