A/N: So the rough outline for this story came into my head while listening to Unsteady by X Ambassadors. Tbh I'm not even sure the song goes with the storyline anymore but oh well haha.
Anyway, I don't own SVU, the characters you recognise, or the song.
I've written a few chapters ahead with this and compared to my usual they're quite long, so drop me a review and let me know what you think :)
~X~
Unsteady
'Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady…
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady…'
~X~
Olivia ran a hand through her hair as she matched Barba step-for-step, listening to his rant as they approached the precinct.
"I would just really appreciate it if people would stop leaving details out to cover their asses so they don't get in trouble with their parents. They're twenty eight. They are not children!"
"You know what, Barba? You and me both." Olivia sighed. "But on another note, and I know Rollins has already asked you this, but would you ever consider going off caffeine?"
"Not in a million years." Barba replied quickly as he followed Olivia between two parked squad cars towards the one six.
"Maybe you should, you might actually be able to breathe between your sentences."
Barba stopped and turned to look at his friend who walked beside him. To anyone else, maybe except from Fin, she seemed fine, but there was something in her voice that told him otherwise. She was hiding something, he just didn't know what.
"Barba?" Olivia tried, wondering why he had suddenly stopped dead and was eyeing her up. "What's goin' on?"
"You're off." Barba admitted finally as they began walking once more, heading up the stairs and into the building.
"What?" Olivia frowned, mentally kicking herself for not doing a better job of burying her feelings.
"Look, Benson, you might be fooling other people. But you can't fool me. There's been something off about you all day. Whatever it is you're keeping to yourself, you don't need to. I've told you before that you can talk to me about whatever is on your mind, no judgment. You trust me, right?"
Olivia nodded as she pressed the button for the elevator, praying that nobody else was going up with them. "Yeah, I do."
"The last thing I want to do is pressure you, Liv, but you're scaring me today. I'd like to think that you know me well enough to know that if you ever need it, I will do everything in my power to help you." Barba told her as they stepped onto the elevator. "What is it? Is it Tucker? Has he done something? Said something? Noah?"
"Noah's great, you don't need to worry about him."
"What about Tucker?"
"It's not him either, he hasn't done, or said anything." Olivia took a deep breath and turned to her friend. "I fucked up, Barba."
Barba stared at Olivia in surprise as the elevator doors rolled shut.
There was a long silence as Olivia considered her next words and Barba waited patiently for her to share whatever was bothering her.
"I'm pregnant." Olivia finally admitted as the doors rolled open and they stepped out of the elevator.
"Wow." Barba blinked a few times, unsure of what to say. "I have to say that's not quite what I was expecting." He took a moment to look at Olivia as they walked towards her office. "Are we happy about this, or…?"
"Remember that 'complicated' phase Ed and I went through a while back?" Olivia started, ignoring Carisi's eyes on her as she opened her office door and ushered Barba inside.
"Yeah, go on."
Olivia took another deep breath and closed the door. "We broke up for almost three months." Olivia stared down at her desk when she continued. "During that time I had dinner and got drunk with an ex. An ex that I nearly married a while back. I slept with him and didn't go home that night, came straight here from his place."
"So what you're telling me is that you're pregnant, but you have no idea who the father is? It's either an ex who you clearly were once in love with. Or your current partner who you claim makes you happier than you've been in a long time."
"No I know exactly who the father is…" Olivia paused and Barba knew what was coming next. "Ed had a vasectomy twenty years ago after his ex wife got pregnant with his youngest."
Barba nodded and let the revelation hang in the air. Now he knew why she'd been so off her game.
"Does Tucker know?"
"What? That I met my ex-fiance for dinner? That I then slept with said ex-fiance? Or that I'm pregnant with a baby that is 100% definitely not his child?" Olivia chuckled bitterly.
"Olivia."
"He knows I made some bad decisions during our timeout. He doesn't know who I slept with. Or that I'm pregnant."
"How would he react if you told him who you slept with?" Barba asked softly.
"He divorced his ex because she cheated on him. That's the entire reason he transferred into IAB. Now I've gone and done something even worse."
"It's not worse, Olivia. It's not better either, but you weren't together when it happened. Worse would be sleeping with your ex while you were still in a relationship with Tucker."
Olivia only sighed and sat down behind her desk while Barba helped himself to one of the seats across from her.
"How long have you known?"
"Few days." Olivia sighed. "I suspected for a while. But last time I was just paranoid. I'm even older now. And truth be told I was scared of the results."
"There was a last time?" Barba exclaimed in surprise.
"With Brian, not long after Lewis. I didn't want to get my hopes up, I knew it was probably just stress. Brian thought I should take a test just to be sure. In the end I was right."
Barba nodded slowly. "You suspected for a while? What's a while? Days? Weeks? Months?" Barba took a breath and realised he was beginning to interrogate her. "Sorry, you don't need to tell me that."
"No, it's okay." Olivia sighed. "It crossed my mind around the time we were working on the case with Ellis and Patrick. I didn't have time to dwell on it but it kept coming back. I took a few tests a couple weeks ago, two negative one positive. I went to my doctor on Monday morning while you guys were in court. She confirmed it."
"How far along are you?"
"Almost five months." Olivia admitted quietly.
Barba's jaw dropped. "I- wow. I was expecting less than that."
"So was I." Olivia let out a small laugh. "Seventeen weeks. Three more and I'm halfway there already."
Barba opened his mouth to reply when a knock at the door interrupted him. His eyes stayed glued to Olivia as she rose from her seat to open the door.
He couldn't see much, but she had to be showing, she couldn't be almost twenty weeks pregnant without even a small bump. He had to hand it to her, if she was showing, she was hiding it well.
~X~
Olivia sighed as she sat in her car, unwilling to go home just yet. She had just picked Noah up from Lucy's apartment after the younger woman had forgotten her key to Olivia's place.
She looked at her phone as she started the engine of her car. As she slipped it into the cup holder at her side, it began to ring. One glance at the screen told her that it was Ed calling her. With a sigh she pulled out into the traffic, driving in the opposite direction of her apartment and deciding that Ed's call could wait for the time being.
It wasn't until she ended up outside Barba's apartment building that she realised she had been in a daze for the duration of the drive.
She quickly scooped Noah from his car seat and cradled him on her hip as she made her way inside, smiling gratefully at the doorman when he recognised her and held the door open.
Once outside the apartment door, Olivia managed to shift her sleeping son onto her right side and used the left to knock on the door.
When Barba answered the door, his eyebrows raised in surprise upon seeing Olivia and Noah in front of him.
"I didn't want to go home so I just drove and I ended up here. I hope that's okay."
Barba nodded and ushered the mother and son inside.
Once they were settled on the couch, Barba took a breath before he spoke up, breaking the silence.
"Liv, I know you're worried, nervous, about telling Tucker about this baby. But you can't hide from him forever. Sooner or later he's gonna find out, and it's probably best if it comes from you. I don't want to pry, but whether you are already or not, you're gonna start showing - obviously showing - soon. And that's hard to hide from the person you're in a relationship with. You need to tell him, Liv. It's for the best."
"I know, I just don't know how. He loves Noah, he treats me like I mean the world to him, and this is how I repay him? By getting pregnant with another guy's baby less than a month after we break up? Then get back together with him and lead him on for another month?"
"You didn't mean for this to happen, Olivia."
"I didn't exactly take precautions to make sure it didn't happen either, did I?" Olivia snapped.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Liv, but you had no reason to think that you would actually get pregnant." Barba reasoned.
"I really have to talk to him, don't I?" Olivia groaned leaning forward and holding her head in her hands.
"You do." Barba nodded.
He didn't envy the position his friend was in, but there wasn't much he could do to help her either. She had to help herself too.
"This is a huge, huge ask, but would you mind keeping Noah, just for an hour until I've spoken to Ed?" Olivia asked. "You don't need to feel obliged."
"Don't worry about it. I'll keep Noah, I'll order in dinner. You can take as long as you need." Barba told Olivia. "This is an important conversation, don't rush it on account of not bothering me. Noah and I will be fine. I have an iPad. We can watch movies if he wakes up."
Olivia nodded and took her phone from her pocket as it began to ring. She sighed when she saw Ed's caller ID.
"No time like the present." Barba smiled softly, giving Olivia's shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
"Hey, Ed. Sorry I missed you earlier, I was putting Noah in the car." Olivia answered, standing from her place on the couch and grabbing her car keys.
"I was just gonna ask if you wanted to come over tonight, or I can come to you? We just haven't seen each other in a while." Ed replied.
Olivia took a deep breath. "Ed we need to talk."
Olivia listened as Ed sighed and invited her to his apartment and let him know she was on her way.
~X~
Olivia stuffed her hands in her pockets as she waited for Ed to close the apartment door and join her in the kitchen.
When he did, Ed took his time taking two beers from the fridge before he leaned against the table, looking at Olivia as she leaned against the breakfast bar.
Olivia avoided eye contact as she thought about how to start the discussion.
"Ed I have something I need to tell you, and it's not easy for me. So I'm gonna need you to let me finish before you say anything." Olivia could already feel the tears burning her eyes.
"Liv?" Ed frowned as she kept her hands firmly in her pockets.
"I found out on Monday morning that I'm pregnant." Olivia admitted. "More than just a little bit pregnant too. I'm seventeen weeks."
Ed ran a hand over his face, he had a good idea what was coming next.
"And you know that there is no possible way that this baby can be yours. " Olivia said, her voice cracking at the words. "I'm sorry that this happened. I really didn't expect to get pregnant at this age and I feel horrible that this is how it has worked out."
"Liv, this doesn't have to be it for us…" Ed tried as Olivia attempted to wipe away her tears.
"Yes, it does." Olivia nodded sadly. "Because the guy I slept with those nights, was my ex-fiance. When I slept with him, I thought we were done for good. You have to know that I didn't plan this."
"Wow." Ed ran a hand over his face again, feeling tears stinging his own eyes.
"So, this does have to be it for us, because I can't ask you to stand by me while I have another man's child. And I don't know what else to say other than that I am so, so sorry."
"Is this guy gonna be involved or…?" Ed asked, trying not to let her see him cry.
"I don't know. I haven't told him yet. I thought you should know first." Olivia replied, gripping the counter on either side of her. "But I do know that it's not fair to you to lead you on like this. And I have Noah to think about, and this baby too. I need to get my ducks in a row before I have two kids to look out for."
Ed nodded slowly, looking over her. "This guy loves you?"
Olivia nodded. "He said so. Even before the alcohol."
"You love him?" Ed asked, knowing her answer would hurt.
"I never stopped." Olivia admitted, shifting her eyes upwards in an attempt to stop the tears. "I'm sorry."
Ed took a deep breath. "Me too." He looked up at her, not caring about the tears on his cheeks. "But I'm happy for you. I know you always wanted more kids. So congratulations. Give my love to the little guy."
Olivia only nodded as she and Ed began to move towards the door. "Thank you, Ed. For everything. It means the world to me how much you've done for me and Noah."
"I love you, Liv." Ed said in the place of a real answer.
"I love you too, Ed. Despite the mess I'm in now." Olivia replied as she stepped out of his apartment.
"Well, I guess I'll see ya around, Lieutenant." Ed sighed sadly.
"See ya around, Captain." Olivia nodded solemnly before she made her way back to the elevator.
~X~
Barba looked up in surprise when the door to his apartment opened and Olivia entered carrying a bag of takeout.
"I met the delivery guy downstairs, here's your food." Olivia said, placing the bag on the counter.
"That was fast." Barba commented as Olivia rested her elbows on the breakfast bar facing him.
"I'm pregnant with another man's kid, what else is there to say?" Olivia asked, dropping her head onto her forearms and lacing her fingers through her hair.
"How'd he take it?" Barba asked as he plated up the food.
"Not too badly, he didn't try to kill me so I suppose that's a bonus." Olivia chuckled dryly. "He was upset though. I can't say I blame him."
"Living room." Barba nodded, lifting the two plates and carrying them through.
Once they were settled and eating, Barba made a point of talking about Noah, knowing it would help cheer Olivia up a little.
"I don't know how to tell him." Olivia told her friend. "He's so perceptive for a three year old. But I still don't know how to make it make sense for him. As far as he knows, people only have babies when there's a mommy and a daddy. He only has one of those."
"He's three, Liv. Just tell him that Mama is gonna have a baby and not to jump on your stomach and he'll be fine. He'll be taking good care of you in no time." Barba answered. "Does Mystery Man know he's gonna be a father yet?"
Olivia chuckled. "Not yet. I thought the least I could do was tell Ed first. But I guess now that's out of the way there's nothing stopping me."
"Does he have any kids?"
"No. Always wanted them but got sucked into the same hole I did. Married the job and forgot how to live outside of work." Olivia sighed.
"What's the story with you two? I didn't know you'd been engaged before? Not counting when you were 16." Barba asked as he picked out a movie he knew Olivia liked.
Olivia looked over at her sleeping son on the other couch before she answered. "We met in high school and things moved pretty quickly, within a year we were living together. He proposed almost five years later and we set a date a few years ahead for the wedding. Just after I got my detective shield, he got an amazing opportunity to go train with the world's leading surgeons in LA. He knew it was too good to pass up, but he didn't want to choose between me or his job. So I made the decision for him."
"You broke up with him?"
"Not straight away. I told him to accept the offer and we would find away to work around it. It was never gonna work out though. I was working all hours to prove myself in the boys club that was the NYPD, and he was about to move to the other side of the country. We mutually ended it, agreed it would never work out between us and then I drove him to the airport." Olivia sighed, tears filling her eyes at the memory.
"Have you seen him since? Obviously aside from the night he got you pregnant." Barba asked as Olivia pulled her feet up under her.
"A few times." Olivia nodded. "About two months after he left I had a miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant. He flew back just to be with me. He came back for my mom's funeral. He offered to come see me after Lewis but I told him I was okay…"
"The truth?"
"The truth is that every time I laid down next to Brian, all I really wanted was for it to be my ex instead. I loved Brian, part of me always will, but he just wasn't what I needed. Jack had this ability to just make everything okay. It didn't matter what happened, he would just make you forget about it, even just for a while." Olivia explained.
"And now? Is he back for good or what?"
"He's back for good. He wanted a change of scenery and decided to come back home. When I got pregnant, he was only here for a few days to find an apartment."
"When are you going to tell him about the baby?" Barba asked gently.
"I called him on the way back from Ed's apartment. He's gonna swing by the precinct tomorrow before he goes into work."
"Where does he work?"
"Mercy. He's a doctor."
"We could be seeing a lot of him then." Barba joked as he stretched his legs out along the couch.
Olivia laughed lightly before she eyed Barba. "Can I use you as a pillow?"
"Feel free."
Barba smiled as Olivia maneuvered herself so that she was lying against his front with her head resting against his chest.
"You wanna see something cool?" Olivia piped up after watching the movie in silence for a while. When Barba nodded, she put her hands on her rounded belly, pulling her shirt tight around it and showing off her baby bump. "There's a baby in there."
"You're growing a person." Barba smiled softly. "It's amazing."
"I can feel the baby moving. You can't feel it from the outside just yet though." Olivia told him. "It'll probably be a couple more weeks before that happens."
They were silent again for a while before Olivia took Barba's hand in hers, squishing over to the side a little more to look at him. "Thank you for today. For not judging me when lots of people would. And for just being here, letting me take over your apartment and use you as a human pillow just because I don't want to go home. It means more than you know."
"You're my best friend, Liv. You've done the same for me in the past, you'll do it again in the future. Today it's my turn to take care of you."
Olivia simply moved back into her previous position, this time taking Barba's hand with hers to meet her rounded stomach, allowing her best friend to rest his hand there.
It was barely a minute before Olivia spoke up again, clearly unwilling to just sit in silence and watch the movie she'd seen a hundred times.
"You ever thought about having kids, Barba?"
"Liv, think about who you're asking that question. Unless I can somehow get another man pregnant, there's no way that would work." Barba answered.
"Don't be an ass. You know what I mean. If you met the right guy, would you ever consider having a family with him? Y'know, maybe adopt, or use a surrogate, that kinda thing?"
"It's not something I've ever thought about. The only experience I have with kids is being around Noah, and the very few times Rollins has had Jessie with her."
"It wasn't something I thought about until I met Jack. I was scared I'd be like my mom, but he assured me that my hatred of my mom's behavior meant I would never turn into her."
"I need to meet this Jack guy. Make sure he's as good as you say he is."
"Fin, Carisi and Rollins will be running him the second he steps into the squadroom tomorrow. He doesn't need you on his case too." Olivia joked. "But seriously, He's a good guy. After every time I've seen him I end up running his name to make sure he's still clean."
"And?" Barba prodded. "Is he?"
"Few parking tickets here and there but he's clean." Olivia nodded. "Now I'm gonna shut up so we can watch the rest of the movie in peace."
Barba only laughed as Olivia settled into him to watch the remaining half an hour of the movie. He still wasn't 100% sure what to make of Olivia's situation, but so long as in the end she was happy, he'd do whatever he could to help her, just like she'd always been there for him.
~X~
Olivia turned with Noah in one arm and locked the apartment door behind her with the other with a glance at the clock.
It was just after ten pm. She hadn't intended to stay at Barba's for so long, but a recent heavy workload had meant they hadn't had much time to spend as friends, so good movies came one after the other while they talked.
She dumped her bag on the couch and carried Noah straight through to his bedroom. Laying him down on his bed, she quickly removed his shoes, pants and jacket, deciding that he would be okay to sleep in just his t-shirt and his underwear for the night.
After undressing him, she scooped his little body up once more to pull out the bedsheets before she lay him down again and covered him with his duvet, locating his favourite stuffed bunny from Nick.
She sat down on his bed, allowing a hand to run through his short hair. The other hand came to rest on her small bump and she sighed, thinking of how exactly she was going to manage working while juggling two young children on her own. It wasn't going to be easy, but she knew she didn't have a choice but to power through and keep going.
She sat with Noah for another ten minutes before she pushed herself up from the bed and moved through to her bedroom, securing her gun in the safe in the top drawer and dropping her shield onto the bedside table along with her cuffs.
As she collapsed unceremoniously onto her own bed, she lifted her phone and typed out a quick email to Chief Dodds, asking him for a brief meeting the next afternoon. She was going to tell Lucy first thing in the morning, it gave the younger woman time to think about whether or not she was willing to stay on and nanny the new baby too. The father was stopping by the precinct at nine, so she'd need to figure out a way to break the news to him before then.
Olivia sighed and rubbed her face tiredly. There was so much she suddenly had to think about. She'd need a new apartment sooner rather than later, she had already put in a small second bedroom for Noah and there was no way she could fit both kids in the same room. She couldn't afford to fit another bedroom in either, and she'd rather orchestrate a move while pregnant rather than with a three year old and a new born.
She was lucky in that she still had some of the essentials in storage from when Noah was little. That saved her from having to get a new highchair, crib and changing unit. She was now regretting giving away the car seat and stroller, though in her own defense, she really hadn't imagined ever needing to use it again.
Deciding everything could wait until later, Olivia quickly shed her clothes and threw on a large t-shirt before she climbed into bed, falling asleep almost instantly.
Please let me know if you want to see more of this. Always open to constructive criticism :)