Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, or anything, or… are you even reading this?
Title: Sentimental Sacrifice
Author: quibbler149
Summary: They always came back to this.
Characters: Chuck B., Blair W., Nate A.
(o) - O - (o)
"A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years."
-Rupert Brooke
(o) - O - (o)
It's the first day of the world and Blair isn't sure if it will be her last.
So she regains her assurance and hides fear under a thin blanket of bitchiness. It's never worked so well as now. The little girl is ready for kindergarten. But she's not certain if kindergarten is ready for her.
She straightens her hair band and smoothes her hair, eyeing the grubby children distastefully. Maybe that's why she turned out like she did.
Where was her childhood?
Why had she deemed herself so much older when she was young?
She had been robbed.
And it was all so quick.
There was Serena and there was Nate and there was Chuck. And she didn't even blink away the bewilderment before extending a cool palm, offering her greetings. Serena laughed and grasped it with her mud-stained fingers. Nate looked at her, blankness echoing a storm in his eyes. Chuck kissed her outstretched hand and she quickly retracted it. What an incorrigible boy!
It was over before it even began.
She had been robbed.
A queen needs a king. Everyone knew that. But the selection must be carefully done. One by one, eliminations began. Blair found herself back to the first boy she had met.
Nathaniel Archibald.
But this time was different. He was no longer the chubby child licking melting ice-creams and swatting away sand flies. Here was a man with sandy hair and eyes bluer than the sky. Here was a handsome man, ready to be her king.
And when Blair looked into Nate's eyes, she could see his puzzled smiles.
She told herself she loved him. She told everyone she loved him.
It was too easy to say.
But how could she not notice his wandering gaze?
How could she ignore the stares leading back to the mistress partying in the shadows?
Like a demure ruler, she waved her hand. The crowd was silenced once more. She must trust. She placated her heart. She must wait and wait and bide her time. When Serena left for boarding school, she wasn't sure if she was relieved or scared.
But she had no time to be scared.
She had no time at all.
She had been robbed.
Her hurt had to be pushed aside. It was too insignificant to be placed on her priority list. There were far more important things to be taken care of. Things such as losing her virginity to her long-time boyfriend (although he seemed to stare right through her when they were kissing). Things such as devouring tears with Thanksgiving pies and Godiva chocolates. Things such as shattering her mirror when it didn't show what she wanted it to. Things such as gripping the porcelain handle of the toilet. Things such as emptying her dissatisfaction into the swirling, plunging darkness of the drain.
How had she any time for pain?
When Serena returned, she decided she must deal with it rationally. She would have her King's love, no matter how much he yearned for the golden Grecian of the shade. She must be Melanie Hamilton. Her unfaithful Ashley would love her no matter what. Scarlett already had Rhett. She had a dozen Rhetts.
Too soon, all too soon, the painting she had toiled for so long was crumbling. She was helpless to stop it. And she turned to leave. She was above this. She would walk if she couldn't stay. She found her pointed Manolo Blahniks finding their way to Victrola that dusky evening, her Puritanical gown burning her skin.
Chuck was there with his limo.
Why not be reckless for one night?
She remembered why not in the morning.
The morning had too much light. Her headache had not yet subsided. She squinted against the intruding sunshine. It was far too bright. The night was safer. It did not lie her bare.
So she chose to forget. She forgot so conveniently. She forgot and forgot until Nate's embrace with another blonde tore viciously at the crippled veil masking her despair. It tore such a hole. And she tried to mend it desperately in a strange bedroom at her party, the lanterns glowing reproachful insults in her brain. It was hard to mend such a large hole.
Chuck mended it with her. And she was whole again! She was well!
Who needed a faithless King?
She had her own lover. He stole away nights with her. He could make her happy. Why linger on the unwanted memories?
And Blair let Nate go. She watched him slip away, triumphant in her release.
Life wouldn't be life if it were easy.
Obviously the sandy fringed boy lived to torment her. "Friends" said he.
"Friends" she agreed. Her heart beat a strange rhythm, so she quickly turned back to Chuck and his striped shirts and his warm hands. So many tender embraces. Forget Nate and his stupid heart pins. Forget his shy grin.
So much for friends.
Chuck slid away into darkness. It was Nate again.
But it couldn't be, could it?
Blair was confused. She was frustrated.
Why couldn't love let her be?
She was too proud to cry. Tears were weakness. She was strong. She ridiculed the weak. So she could not cry.
The storm came. Chuck had left, Nate had left. They all betrayed her.
She clung to her lifeboat only to find she had none. There was a stick of driftwood, though. The driftwood's name was France. Somehow, Serena convinced her not to take it. So she drowned instead.
Oh, how she drowned.
And when she thought it had blown over, when she thought she had found happiness, the stupid Basshole had to strand her in Europe with a slimy employee and her shredded heart. Not that anyone knew it was shredded. She nursed it quietly with the help of Lord Marcus. Chuck had much to account for.
What a game of cat and mouse.
What a game.
Mr. Bass sent flowers. Then he toyed with her like a lion before he ate the prey.
Blair had enough.
She had had enough of insecurity.
Where was her childhood when she needed it?
She was robbed.
What could be guiltier of robbing her than her hair band and blanketed aches?
She was needed. Chuck needed her.
Blair looked at Nate and Nate looked at Blair. Then they nodded away their grievances and took hold of the drunken boy between them and dragged his unconscious form towards the headstones where his father lay to rest.
"You're so maternal with him" said Nate. She denied it vehemently. She could not meet his eyes. They were filled with wonder and smiles and the past which she decided not to remember. It was hard to meet Nate's eyes. Blair had been strong for long enough. She could spare some cowardice for now.
Yale didn't want her.
Carter Baizen wanted her, or what was left of her.
She would reinvent herself! There would be a magnificent comeback! Queen Bee would be dead!
Chuck and Serena dragged her back down.
She wept in the sunrise.
Who was she?
Who was Blair Cornelia Waldorf?
Yale didn't want her.
Nate wanted her. But just as friends.
Just as friends, they promised each other. 'Friends' they would be. Being a 'friend', Blair delivered fresh breakfast to him. She didn't notice Chuck's suspicious eyes. They followed her through the front door of Nate's house.
They would never be 'friends'.
It was Nate again. It was his hair and his searching kisses and his old familiarity.
Damn Chuck!
She didn't need him! She needed this love; this steady, unwavering love. She needed not play any games. She was so tired of games.
Why was happiness always so timid? Why did it not want to venture out? Why did Blair have to coax and coax and coax until its furred head peeked outside the hole, only to shrink back again?
There was another snowstorm.
Those two boys which she loved so much.
Life's choices suck.
But she must make a choice. And she made one.
She took Nate's gentle face and leant her forehead against his, memorizing his breath and the special way he clasped her to his body.
The fairytale was over. It was time to mature.
And then Chuck told her he loved her.
And she always came back to this.
And maybe this was all she needed.
Just for now, anyway.
AN: Did that make any sense? Oh, well. I don't care. It felt so good writing this. It's basically Blair's whole life until Season 3. I don't care if no one reviews this. I wrote it for myself. I wrote this to explain how I felt about Blair's confusion and her twisted relationships with two very important boys in her life. I wrote this from the feelings in my heart, so many are bound to not understand. It does get very perplexing. In spite of all that, all my rambling, I feel that I've accomplished something. My, it does feel good.