Title: Clowning Around

Rating: K

Summary: Post The Greatest Show in the Galaxy. The Doctor decides to help Ace get over her fear of clowns - with disastrous results.

Disclaimer: The other day at my school, we were meant to come as our future occupation. I came as a Professional Doctor Who Fangirl. Note - not owner!

Author's Note: I love writing Classic Who! Unfortunately, due to my lack of imagination I had to borrow one of the situations in this fic. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Clowning Around

"Okay, so maybe the Psychic Circus wasn't the best way to get rid of your fear of clowns," admitted the Doctor.

"Yeah, thanks again for that, Professor," replied Ace sarcastically. "If I wasn't scarred for life before, I certainly am now."

"Now don't be like that Ace," said the Doctor. "Clowns are there to make us feel happy. I'm sure given another chance, you'll find that they're really not scary at all."

"Professor..." began Ace.

"Now don't start – I've already programmed the coordinates to take us to a normal Earth circus," said the Doctor. "I've already checked the dates – there is absolutely nothing abnormal meant to take place on this date." He looked at his companion's face, and stroked her cheek. "Nothing will go wrong. Trust me."

"Don't go blaming me! You should have told me you were allergic to cream!" exclaimed the Doctor.

"It never came up, did it?" said Ace. "There was never a moment where I felt I had to drop it into conversation. Mind you, if I'd known I was going to be attacked with a banana cream pie by a clown..."

"He was not attacking you – he was playing with you," corrected the Doctor. "Remember – clowns are performers. They make a living judged on the audience's judgement of them. He was probably more scared of you than you were of him."

"Probably because of the massive rash that cream gave to my face," muttered Ace. "Although, I guess I should thank you for paying the hospital bill."

"Don't worry - you can hardly see the scarring," assured the Doctor. "Okay, so that didn't go so well. But we can always try again. Let's think – where's another place clowns exist?"

"Children's birthday parties?" suggested Ace.

"True, but we probably couldn't sneak into one of those," said the Doctor. He then snapped his fingers. "Of course! There's this old mini-golf course I used to go to. One of the holes has a clown on it."

"What – a real live clown?" asked a confused Ace.

"No not live – a big plastic one," explained the Doctor. "Surely Ace, you can't be scared of an inanimate object?" Ace sighed.

"I suppose not," she said.

"Take the bloody golf ball!" cried Ace as she attempted to hit yet another golf ball into the clown's mouth. But as before, the clown's teeth came down just before the ball went in, sending the ball back with a laugh.

"Ace," said the Doctor nervously, "perhaps we should go."

"Never! I'm going to beat this clown if it's the last thing I do!" declared Ace. "Come on, you stupid clown!"

"Ace, really," said the Doctor seriously.

"Fine Professor – you go to the loo and then we'll go," said Ace somewhat submissively.

"Oh, okay," said the Doctor. "I'll be back in five minutes." He walked off and made his way to the toilets. He was just about to go when he heard a tremendous explosion – the kind one could only make with a good supply of Nitro Nine.

"Oh Ace," he muttered.

"Perhaps we're going about this the wrong way," mused the Doctor. "Perhaps we need to take a different approach."

"How do you mean?" questioned Ace.

"Well up until now, we've been looking for clowns, only to find villains," explained the Doctor. "But what if we went looking for villains, and found clowns?"

"You've lost me, Professor," said Ace. The Doctor grinned.

"Have you ever seen Batman?" he asked. Ace shook her head. "Oh, awfully good show. Light, entertaining – but most of all, none of the bad guys can really be taken seriously. There's the Penguin, the Riddler ... and the Joker."

"Ah," realised Ace.

"My theory is that if you see a clown that's meant to be a villain, only to find that he's not that bad, you'll realise that clowns aren't such a big deal," reasoned the Doctor. "So come on – let's try it." The TARDIS materialised, and the two made their way down to the cinema.

"Two tickets for the Batman movie," said the Doctor to the ticket-lady.

"Yes sir – The Dark Knight is playing in Cinema 3," replied the woman.

There was silence as the Doctor and Ace walked back to the TARDIS. When Ace eventually did make a sound, it was a shiver of fright.

"So ... evil..." she muttered to herself. The Doctor scratched his head awkwardly.

"They've made so many Batman films over the years, I was bound to get them a bit mixed up," he said. "I actually wanted you to see the Jack Nicholson one. He's brilliant in it!"

"How m-many people does he kill?" stammered Ace. "Does his voice send chills up your spine? Does he carry with him an aura of pure evil?" The Doctor chose not to answer, instead stating:

"I can see why they gave Heath Ledger that posthumous Oscar."

"Ace?" called the Doctor from outside Ace's room.

"Come in, Professor," replied Ace. The Doctor walked in, and saw Ace on her bed with a book of some sort in front of her.

"I just want to apologise for everything you've been through recently," he said. "I was trying to help you get over your fear of clowns, but it appears I've only made things worse. I'm sorry." Ace smiled.

"That's all right Professor – I know you were just trying to help," she said. "Besides, I have gotten over my fear of clowns."

"What? How?" questioned the Doctor. Ace held up the book.

"I found this," she said. "It's a photo album. There are some great pictures in here. Specifically, there's this one clown that just makes me laugh every time I look at him." Smiling, Ace got up and walked towards the door.

"Ready to go when you are, Professor," she said, before leaving. The Doctor scratched his head and, his curiosity getting the better of him, had a look at the photo album. It was the one that he'd kept for years now, using it to document all his previous lives and companions. He frowned as he looked at the page Ace had it open at. There were no clowns that he could see. Standing on one side of the photo was his old companion Peri, and standing next to her was...

"Hey!"

The End

For those of you who didn't realise, the clown on the golf course is from Happy Gilmore.

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