I have recently turned to the dark side and joined yet another fandom. And what happens when I join another fandom, I imagine it with Big Time Rush characters instead. I need help. Anyway, so I watched My Mad Fat Diary when it originally aired early last year, but I recently re watched it and I've fallen deeper and so in the anticipation of series 2, I wondered what it would be like if one of the boys were 'mad' and how the story would go in Big Time Rush land. Three hours later, I had this spewed out. I'm pretty much going to do the chapters episode by episode of the show just for convenience sake, I am going to try my best to make it different from the show so its not ripping it off and those who've watched it don't know what's going to happen, but there are a lot of scenes and lines that I LOVE to death and couldn't bare to leave out. So, essay over, Enhoy!

"Hi, I'm Doctor Wainwright, your new therapist, but you can call me Kelly. James isn't it?" An unfamiliar woman introduced herself and stuck her hand out for me to shake as I walked into therapy a week after I had been discharged from the hospital.

"Where's Dr Talibet?" I questioned, completely ignoring her offer to shake my hand.

She dropped her hand and rubbed them on her thighs with a sigh. "He had to take some leave" she answered.

I slumped down on my regular beanbag and started picking at my nails like I did every session, I didn't really like to talk much. Kelly sat down in the beanbag across from me and just stared at me.

"So, James, how does it feel to be out of the hospital?" she asked after a few beats of silence. I shrugged my shoulders. As I said, I don't like to talk much. Truth be told I didn't know what I was feeling. I had just spent the last four months institutionalised for doing something really stupid. I had tried to kill myself. And as it turns out when you're rushed in an ambulance to the hospital with self-inflicted wounds on your stomach bleeding out, you get sent to the crazy ward after they fix you up.

"Are you always this quiet?" I shrugged again.

"You know, there is a theory that you can discern the majority of a person's characteristics in the first 5 seconds of meeting them, what do your instincts tell you about me?" she asked.

I scoffed. What did she expect me to say? "My instincts say that you have lipstick on your teeth" I told her. After all that was all I could tell after knowing her for 5 seconds.

She gave a sarcastic chuckle and wiped the lipstick off her teeth with her finger. "So, what have you been up to since you left?" she asked another question.

"Not much" I shrugged. And okay that was a complete lie. I had in fact been up to quite a bit. Let me start from Day 1: Freedom.

...

"Jamie, are you scared about leaving?" Katie, a young girl who had become like a little sister to me in my four month stay here asked me.

"A little bit"

"I think you'll be alright. I have complete faith in you"

That statement alone eased my nerves if only slightly. Katie meant a whole lot to me. She had had a pretty messed up life and I didn't blame her for going a bit mad. If I had been treated like she had I would probably be even more mental. Most people would think it weird or even perverted that a 17 year old boy was best friends with a 14 year old girl, but it wasn't like that. I had always just gotten along more with girls than I had with boys and there was only one other person here my age, his name was guitar dude and he was even madder than the both of us but he was our friend too. And it wasn't perverted, because I'm not even attracted to girls, never have been. And the fact that not many people in this town seem to like that is part of the reason I ended up in this place.

"But what if…what if I can't be out there, what if it's too much" I asked Katie, my nerves returning with a vengeance.

"Then, you count to ten and take deep breaths until you're okay." It seemed so simple, counting and breathing, like any dumbass could do it. But in reality I knew that sometimes that didn't always work.

"I'm really gonna miss seeing you everyday" I told her. I knew that I could visit her anytime I wanted but it wouldn't be the same.

"I'll miss you too, but you're going to make loads of new friends, the sane kind. And who knows, maybe you'll find a sexy boy toy to rip your teeth into". I laughed at her. As if I was going to make new friends, let alone get a sexy boy toy. She looked at me and gave me a hospital band with the words 'Dear Jamie, Good luck, Love Katie Kat. When I smiled at her in thanks, she smiled back with a "Go".

I walked outside to go wait for my mum who was picking me up. As soon as I walked outside though, it started to feel real and panic set in. What was I doing? I wasn't ready for this? How could I have possibly thought I was going to be okay on my own? I ran into a phone booth on the side and held my arms up on the door; a technique Dr Talibat had shown me for when I have panic attacks. It wasn't working, so I put the 40c into the phone and dialled the number to Katie's room.

She answered instantly and then I looked up I saw her looking out the window down at me with a look on her face that read 'I knew you were going to call as soon as you walked outside'. "Hey" she greeted.

"I can't do it, I'm not ready, I can't be alone" I freaked.

"You can do it. And you're not alone. You've got your mum, your friends."

"You're my friend."

She sighed. "You will be fine James, hang up the phone, close your eyes and count to ten and go and wait for your mum".

I did as she said and it somewhat calmed me down. Enough to go outside and wait for my mum anyway. I spent a good 45 minutes worrying about what I was going to do now that I was out, because as usual, my mum was late. When I finally saw her car, I stormed over to it, getting in and slamming the door, giving my mum a look of anger.

"Well hello to you to James, I'm sorry, I got held up, I was only 10 minutes late." She defended herself.

"45" I mumbled under my breath.

"So, how are you feeling about being out then?" she asked me. Oh great, more questions I didn't want to answer, just like the ones Dr Talibat always asked me. And I shrugged at her, just like I always shrugged at him.

"I'm not trying to bother you Jamie, I just want to know how you're feeling" she continued.

"I'm fine, I'm a lot better now" I lied. I mean, I was better, but I was far from fine.

"Alright then" she sighed and we continued the drive home in silence. Much to her dismay.

5 minutes before we reached home, a bunch of teenagers rode past on scooters. They stopped in front of us waiting for the cars to go past. And on the back of one of the scooters, I saw her. Shit, not now, I wasn't in the mood for this. All I could think was for the love of all that is Mike, do NOT turn around. I willed my thoughts to happen, hoped with everything I had, she wouldn't notice me.

"Is that Lucy?" I heard my mother ask. Oh God, please don't honk your horn or call for her out the window. Now I had another person's actions I needed to be weary of. Thankfully, mum must of noticed I didn't want to talk to her, so said nothing. Unfortunately for me, Lucy did turn around and despite my best efforts to remain concealed; I heard her confused voice, "James?" I couldn't ignore her, that would be rude, and I didn't want her know I was trying to avoid her, so I gave a small wave out the window. She hopped off the back of the scooter and started walking towards our car and tapped on my window. God dammit. I looked over at my mother and said "Don't be weird". She just rolled her eyes at me and I got out of the car.

"Hey" she greeted as she wrapped her arms around me in a hug. "I missed ya, how was France?"

France, I thought to myself. What the hell did she mean France? Oh God, mum must have told everyone I was in France on vacation or something. "Uh yeah, it was great, so much fun" I lied for the umpteenth time today.

"Great, that's great. So listen, I've been hanging out with this new group lately, they're really great, were gonna head up to the bar later on if you wanna join us. I mean, sometimes we manage to sneak in, otherwise we go hang out behind the fire hall."

I looked over at her friends on the scooters, who were all staring back at me. That's when I saw him. The hottest human being to ever grace the planet. He was small, but I liked my men like that. With short brown hair I just wanted to latch my fingers into and deep brown eyes boring into my soul. I wanted to lick that little mole right of his face and do unimaginable things to that hot piece of…

"James!"

I looked over at Lucy, not realising I had completely zoned out whilst staring at the Latino sex God and completely forgot to answer her question. I didn't know whether I should go. I mean, I had just been released from a mental hospital 1 hr earlier, was I ready to go straight back into the world of 'hanging out'. But Lucy had been my best friend before all of this and I couldn't just turn her down without good reason. And suddenly I remembered what Katie had said before I left, you'll make loads of new friends. If I wanted to make some friends, I had to start now. Before I had time to talk myself out of it, I told Lucy I would be there. I told her that I would just have to unpack my bags from 'France' and that I would be there later and walked back to the car, almost in utter horror.

"She's grown up hasn't she? Puberty did her well. Maybe I can get her to model some of my products." There my mother was at it again. She owned a cosmetic company and was always after new young faces to model her goods. I rolled my eyes at her and just begged for her to continue the drive home.

I arrived at the bar an hour later. Surprisingly getting in very easily, apparently during the day, it wasn't so hard. I saw Lucy's friends sitting down at a table and Lucy was coming up to me.

"Hey, you made it. Great! So, listen, these guys are sorta exclusive, so if they don't accept you straight away don't take it personally or anything, they're just like that"

This did nothing for my nerves. Great. They were exclusive, they probably weren't going to want to be my friend and that mean that Lucy, the one friend I did have in the outside world wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore either. We walked over to the table together and I felt like I was gonna throw up from the nerves I was feeling.

"Everyone, this is James. James, this is Camille, Logan, Kendall and Carlos" she introduced as she went around the table pointing to the person as she said their name. Carlos. His name was Carlos. The beautiful being from earlier was Carlos. God, even his name was sexy.

"Hey" they all chorused virtually simultaneously. I took a seat on the end, a seat that happened to be right next to Carlos. And oh my God, was I sweating, could people tell how much I wanted to devour him right then and there. But who was I kidding, he probably wasn't even gay, let alone would he ever be interested in me. Nobody's interested in me, and he is like looking at porn. Evidently I had spent some time thinking about doing inappropriate things to this boy because I didn't notice anyone talking to me until I heard Lucy say "James, Logan asked you if you wanted a drink, he knows people so he can get them here"

"Um, no thanks, I don't drink." I replied.

"Really?" Carlos asked me. Oh shit, was I supposed to drink? Did this make me not cool? Was I not going to be accepted into the group now? You've done it now James, now they're never going to like you.

"Well I mean y-y-yeah, I do, I just don't drink during the day that's all." I stuttered, again with the lies James. God, I really need to learn how to control my mouth. They all nodded at me. Okay, maybe I'd saved my-self with that one. Well done James, two for you.

"Hey everyone, Kendall's on" I heard Carlos say. Apparently in my fantasy a la Carlos I also hadn't noticed that Kendall had left the table and was now getting up on the stage, throwing his guitar strap over his shoulder, getting ready to play a song. He introduced himself to the audience and started playing a song he said was an original. He could really play, and sing to. I had to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I also play and sing a little to, so I liked to think I knew what I was talking about when it came to music. But despite his decent looks and quite skilled musicianship, all I could think about while he was playing was how it would feel to serenade Carlos with this song. And then we would end up on the bed, him buried balls deep up my ass. I had an internal struggle attempting to focus my eyes on Kendall's performance and to not look back and see Carlos' reaction to the words in the song. Pull yourself together James, dammit.

It was rude of me to think, but as much as Kendall's performance was good, I was glad when it was over, because it meant I could turn back around and make glances at Carlos a lot sneakier then completely turning my head around to look at him.

"You were great Kendall" I complimented him when he sat back down. I don't even know where that came from, but he smiled with thanks in return so I guess it had been a good move. Another point to James.

"Hey Kendall, go change the song on the jukebox, this is shit" Carlos requested, while sliding the coin over to Kendall. Music. This was it. My chance to prove my worth to the group. To impress Carlos. This is where I shined. I intercepted the coin and told them both I would pick a song. They both looked at me with doubt but I reassured them I would pick a good song and Carlos reluctantly let me have the coin. I walked over to the jukebox reminding myself to not fuck up. This was my chance; I needed to pick a good song. And pick a good song I did. I turned around with a smug look on my face as I walked back to the table. Everything was coming up Millhouse.

"Not bad Jake" Kendall complimented. I frowned.

"It's James, you spaz" Carlos whispered, lightly shoving Kendall in the side. And that made Kendall forgetting my name all better, because who cared who Kendall thought I was, Carlos remembered my name and he liked the song I picked. Case for group membership officially established.

"Oh, sorry, I mean James" Kendall amended himself, both of them not realising I had heard Carlos correct Kendall.

"So, everybody listen" Lucy called, gaining everybody's attention. "As you all know, I just moved into the new Palmwoods apartments and my parents have said that I can host a party to celebrate the new place. And it's official, there's a pool!"

Crap. Shit. Damn. Poop. Fuck. And every other synonym for words that meant WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!? Pool party. That meant swimming. Which meant shirtless James. Which was the last thing I wanted to do in front of my new friends right now. I had just made an effort to get them to like me and this was going to screw things up. Maybe I could just not go? No! James, you can't be weird, you've got to be normal. Maybe they won't even notice if you don't go swimming. Maybe they won't notice if you wear a shirt in the water. Okay, no, not that one. Maybe they won't notice if you don't go swimming. Yeah, that one definitely sounds more plausible.

Everyone got all hyped up about the news of the pool party and then Logan offered me a drink with the words "it's night time now my friend, you want one". I took it from his hand and skulled the lot. Wow. Drinking was intense. After everyone had a few more drinks and the night wore on we decided to head home. I felt elated; all thoughts of being in a mental hospital less than 12 hours prior were gone. Maybe I could get away with this. Them thinking I was normal. This was it, I was hanging around cool people, for once I didn't feel like an absolute weirdo. I followed the gang out of the bar with a smile on my face.

"There you are Jake, hey, can you take a photo of us" Kendall asked, once again getting my name wrong. And I didn't even care that he got my name wrong. I took the Polaroid and laughed as it came out and I saw it.

"Logan, your big head barely makes it into the picture" I joked. And everyone laughed. They laughed at my joke. Carlos laughed. He thought I was funny. This was going to be the best summer ever.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like shit. I am never drinking again. My brain felt like the chest of King Kong and it was getting a beating. What the hell was I thinking? I had to go find my swim trunks, the pool party was this afternoon. I wasn't planning on swimming, but I had to at least look like I was. I dragged myself out of bed to go searching for them. After a dreaded 2 hours looking for something I hadn't worn in years, hoping they still fit, I put them on and decided to take a nap before I had to leave.

When I arrived at the Palmwoods, everyone was in the pool already. Thankfully, as Lucy had told me, because the place was so new, there wasn't really many residents and so we had the pool to ourselves today. I sat on the edge of the pool with my legs dipped in and shirt thankfully on. Nobody seemed to notice that I wasn't going in and that I was thankful for. Until Lucy swam over to the edge of the pool, looking up at me.

"What are you doing? Why aren't you swimming?"

"I just don't feel like it" I shrugged.

"Do you want them to think you're weird? Look, you did good last night, they liked you, and I want you to be able to be friends with my friends, so don't screw it up yeah?"

I thought about what she said. Maybe they would notice that I came to a pool party and refused to swim. I didn't want them to think I was weird. So I considered my options. If I took off my shirt and got into the pool quick enough and made sure I stayed under the water, then they wouldn't see anything. So after Lucy swam away, I waited for the perfect moment when they were all distracted with their game to notice me getting in. I quickly stood up to take my shirt off and threw it on the beach chair, but in my haste to jump into the pool without them noticing, I slipped and fell flat on my butt.

Everyone heard the thud and turned around, facing me. And there I was, completely exposed. Everyone could see the scars lining my chest and abdomen. Oh god, I had blown it. All eyes were on me, all eyes were on my disgrace. Carlos' brown orbs pierced me like a knife. I could feel his judgement. He thought I was crazy, I knew it. It felt like hours before I finally worked up the courage to say something to try and distract them from my imperfections. "Man, I am such a klutz, I fall over all the time" I braved, hoping it would make them ignore the scars, think they were from something entirely different, like me apparently falling over all the time or something. It took a minute, but then Logan started to laugh. "You're an idiot, get in the water" he said as he pulled my legs into the water and dunked me under. And then everyone laughed and it was alright again. I managed to survive the rest of the day without looking like a complete knob head. And I had fun. Which was a foreign thought for me. Fun. I hadn't felt like this in a long time.

…

"So, you met up with an old friend, who introduced you to some new friends and you went to a pool party? That's it?" Kelly asked me.

"Yeah, that's it" I shrugged.

"Alright then, our hour is up, see you on Friday"

I walked out of the room smiling. Maybe Kelly was alright, after all she did seem nice. And maybe, just maybe, I could be normal.

And there I give you chapter 1. Hope you liked it.

Review if you want, or not, whatever floats your boat.