A/N: Everything in italics are (obviously ;)) taken from the show.
Enjoy. )
She's not sure what she's doing here. She swore that she would never return, it was just to painful the reward of being a surgeon, the high she got when she cut people open. Wasn't worth the way she felt afterwards. Going into those OR's where she worked alongside him. Where she fell in love with him was to much to bare. It nearly killed her to even drive by there.
She kept playing the scene over and over in her head like a movie set on rewind and there was no way to turn it off. She didn't sleep much because every time she closed her eyes there he was. Some nights it was his beautiful smile, his dark curls and his blue eyes that seemed to have the answers to every question in the world. Other nights, which was most of the time, she saw his broken and burned body, with Bailey and the chief trying to revive him. Then Cristina holding her up so she wouldn't fall as she watched the love of her life die.
He was a great man a wonderful surgeon, but that's not she remembers him as. She remembers him as that guy who died on the gurney right in front of her. The guy who turned her into this pathetic excuse for a human being she had become. Things where hard to say the least, six months had passed since her death and she hadn't talked to anyone. Not one living person. Not even Cristina. It wasn't that they hadn't tried to get in contact with her because the had left numerous messages and banged on her door and threatened to call the cops with and gas leak excuse. But they gave up a month back.
She didn't really have the strength to talk to anyone, she didn't want to be around people who knew Derek and knew the amazing man he was and possibly the amazing father he could have been. Mostly she didn't want their looks of sympathy. She didn't want them to look at her like she was a little puppy that just got kicked. She hated that and she wished that they understood. Derek was the love of her life, Derek is the love of her life.
She cried herself to sleep the night she found out but after that she locked it in a vault and swore to herself not to ever speak of it again, not to ever go anywhere that reminded her of him. And yet here she was standing in front of his office. She reached out and touched the door palm flat against it she moved closer resting her forehead on it. She could almost see him sitting in his chair with that unbelievably sexy smile on his face.
She could feel his hands all over her body the heat rising off of his body. She could hear his voice telling her that he loved her clearer then she had heard it in a long time. If she was really honest with herself she came here because she was loosing him. He was fading away and she need to remember him. She was forbidden to remember and yet terrified to forget.
His name plate was still on the door she stared at it for a few long moments before she twisted the know on the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked. Even more she was surprised that everything was the same. His smell engulfed her, it still smelled like her. Suddenly all that she had locked up was coming back all the memories good and bad flew back to her in that moment overwhelming her with grief like she had never felt before.
--
"Okay so here it is, your choice… it's simple, her or me, an I'm sure that she's great but I love you, in a really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheese cake, hold the radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."
--
"You are looking at me and you watch me. Finn he has plans. I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breath. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!"
"You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities she doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking of my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you!"
--
Every time I look a you… I feel better. It shocks me. It knocks out my wind, but it's true. I don't have to have sex with you, I'd be happy just to look at you from across the room. And even that, anything, any piece of you. And, hopefully, all of you.. That'd be the best thing. Because I love you."
--
I will always be your knight in shining whatever.
--
Where have you been?! I've been waiting for you and waiting for you! And I did this stupid, embarrassing, humiliating, corny thing . And I was just going to tell you that, this over here id our kitchen and this is our living room and over there that's where or kids could play. I had this whole thing about how I was going to build this house but I don't build houses because I'm a surgeon. And now I'm here feeling like a lame ass loser. I got all whole and healed and you don't even show up. And now it's all ruined because you took so long to come home! An I couldn't even find the bottle of champagne"
It's the kitchen? Living room- a little small The view is much better from here. And that's where our kids will play? Where's our bed room?
I'm still mad at you! And I don't know if I can trust you but I'm doing to try, I wanna trust you but I don't know if I do. So I'm just going to try. I'm going to try and trust you because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather then ordinary apart and I wanna be……'-
--
She could still feel his lips on hers from that night in the middle of their candle house. She felt the tears welling up in here eyes and she placed a hand on her swollen stomach. And smiled through the tears even if she didn't have Derek at least she had a piece of him.
Five years later.
It was a cloudy day, but that wasn't uncommon for Seattle. Still though it felt to Meredith as if the heavens where having some mercy on her. She wasn't all that sure if she could stand a perfectly sunny day for the anniversary of Derek's death. She kneeled down and touched the tombstone lightly with her free hand she traced the words carved into stone.
Derek Christopher Sheppard.
1969-z2008
To those with a well organized mind death is merely another adventure.
"Mamma?"
Meredith looked over at the little boy who had taken the seat next to her. She smiled at him through the tears.
"Mamma what's wrong?"
Meredith sighed and pulled him closer kissing his dark curls. Sometimes he looked so much like his father it hurt her to even look at him.
"Mamma's just a little sad right now."
"Your always sad." He mumbled. She looked away from him she hadn't been aware that she had been that obvious she thought she hid it well. "It's it because of daddy? Is he why you're always sad?"
"Yeah buddy Mamma just really misses your daddy."
He looked up at her with his sad blue eyes that mirrored Derek's perfectly and kissed her on the cheek. "Some times mamma, I miss him too." she ran her fingers through his hair and sighed.
Like most four year old his attention was averted quickly. "Derek Christopher Sheppard." He read slowly.
"Our names are the same." He stated.
Meredith nodded. "Yeah Chris."
He smiled Derek's smile and instead of the dull throbbing she usually felt in her heart, she only felt happiness. Because maybe she didn't have Derek anymore. But her life wasn't so bad she had her little boy and at this point that was all that she needed.
A/N: Horrid ending I know but I was feeling depressed yesterday but I didn't get to get done writing it so I kind of lost my mojo lol. Any ways my other stories should be updated soon and I'm so very sorry for the long weight! I get an essay every other day and by the time I'm done writing that I just don't have it in me anymore. But graduation writing exam is over and I am mostly essay free (god I hope so.) LoL
ohh and date of birth is a rough estmate (sp?) and probally soooooo far off.
Anyways please please please review!