Wasteland
A/N: Just a simple songfic about Sirius and Remus. Done for my own musing. Rating is for drug and alcohol abuse.
Enjoy!
I should've changed. I'm sitting here staring at the wall again. Trying to figure out what went wrong. And I know.
I shouldn't try; I need to change, dammit. I've got to. I thought you were the perfect reason to get away, hell, you're my best mate. I want them all to bugger off. I can't get better unless it's just you and me.
I want to change my attempt. I swear… good intentions. My intentions are good. They've been so rotten, so… bollocks. They've been shit for the past five years. I've figured how important you are to me. We're 17, we're free what are you doing?
Crouched over in pain, in the moonlight and I wasn't there. And that's what you're thinking, You were not there, every time. I wanted to be there for James. Always, but when I came back, you didn't want me. I deserve this, but you shouldn't be doing this to yourself. Living in fear, that's what I keep telling myself, I'm living in the fear that you'll never want to see me again, just because I fucked up once.
But signs were not really that scarce, I've told you that again and again. You thought this whole time we'd leave you. I love you. You can't see my pain. You're too blind and oblivious to your own obvious tears. I see. I know. I refuse.
And I will not. I will not hide you through this. I want you to help. I want you to help me. I want you to know and help yourself, c'mon. Please see. Please, I'm begging you, dammit, mate. Please notice the bleeding heart perched on my shirt.
Die, that's what you want to do. Withdraw. I'm going to withdraw from you. You don't want me. When have you ever?
"Sirius?" You call my name through the silence of my thoughts. I've been here for a week or so, just sitting in the silence, stirring in my head. You left before even that. You've been gone for a ten days. Drunk and high. Where did you get the drugs, Remus? Where? And why must it hurt me, too? I'm not the one with the infected needle. But I'm the one who can't ask you.
Hide in cold sweat, you're dreaming tonight. I'm crouched next to the bed with you, stroking your cheek because you can't dream anymore. You just imagine what kind of hell is waiting for you when you're asleep. I've let you back in. I locked the door every night to shun you out like everyone else has been doing. I'm so guilty, more so than you are, love.
I'm not letting you see my quivering lips. I love you too much to let you know that I'm hurting inside, too. You would blame yourself, and I know this too well.
I've wanted for so long to ignore remorse. Remorse that I tried to stop you, when I know that it's your way out, your only way. I won't let you back in, I can't get that close anymore, you don't want it. You can't face me and you sure as bloody hell won't talk to James… not when we've both become so ignorant.
Naming a kid, I always think of you, reading about OD's in the Muggle world. I'm naming you. Living wasteland. Just because my fucking life's become a wasteland. Just because you left. How can I blame you?
This time you've tried, you tried it dammit, why did you try to leave me? All that you can turning you red, I should be the one killing you. I love you, don't you get that? I can't let you go. And you're fighting it. How can you hurt me? You're in, I've let you in. Come live with me again, Remus, everything will be alright again. I'll always be here. I promise. I'm changing. But your hurting me by hurting yourself. Knowing that I love you doesn't hurt does it? Not as much as that needle does, eh?
I've got to change, some way or another. Just change my attempt. Tell me what to do, ask me anything and I'll give you a good answer, good intentions. I've told you time and time again, I think I'm good enough. So why do you keep doing this? The drugs, the drinking.
Should I, should I help you out of this? Why am I asking, it should be yes. Could I be the one thing to save you from killing yourself, you idiot? Here we are with your obsession, your obsession of hurting yourself. Should I, Remus? Should I, could I?
Crowned hopeless, I'm giving you the title. You have to be worse than me. I can't live with this pressure anymore. Of being the one that hurt you. I love you too much. I love you too much to know that. I am the one that cast you out.
The article read living wasteland. They've found you out. They think you're just insane, that you deserve to die.
This time you've tried, you're trying to face them, the guilt, the remorse. The drinking. The drugs. Even the problem.
"Hey," my hand is soft on your sleeping shoulder. You're sitting in the armchair next to the second-story window. You love being high, above everyone else. I was hoping it would help… I never meant high on these drugs.
That seems to be all you've done… sleep… since I helped you up off the alleyway wall, the day they took that damned godforsaken photo and put it in the Prophet. They think you're hopeless, Remus. I gave you the crown. You've won so just stop this. You've got my attention, my good intentions. My love…
All that you can turning you red, ah, your wrist is bloody again. You were awake while I was out. The kitchen knife is clean, but I can smell the blood. Scared I left you again love… I'm so sorry. I don't scare easily, but my heart is beating so fast, Remus. Why did you do this to yourself?
I find the bandages and fix you up, but I will not reprimand you. Maybe that's why you're always mad. I don't say anything.
"I can't hide you through this, love," I want to say it every time I notice article after article. I thought you wanted the attention.
Well, I want you to help yourself dammit. Change my attempt. I've just found out that you wanted the love. And just the love. Well you can have it. You can have my heart, my soul. My… my good intentions. You can have every one of them. I'm only here for you.
Should I, could I? Should I see it from your point of view?
Here we are with your obsession, it's soon becoming mine. I can see why you wanted this… this pure euphoria. I bet you forget about everything stupid I've done and just imagine my smiling face whenever I see you sober. Maybe that's why you've given up on doing these… drugs.
Should I, could I be the one to fix you now?
"Heave the silver, you wanted this, Sirius." Hollow sliver, it's so hollow and cold. Just like your voice when you find me like this. But you're right. I wanted this and for good reason. I want to see your pain, the pain in your eyes when I do this. Just like I used to look out the window, so sadly and see you sitting on the sidewalk, drinking your life away.
Piercing through another victim… the victim… it's you. I thought I wouldn't let you in this deeply.
Turn and tremble be judgmental, why must nightmares be this horrible? You've given up on me and wouldn't let me in.
"Sirius?" You're here with me, sitting up, standing now, scared out of your wits now that I'm trembling. I can't see myself shut out of your life.
Do you know why I do this now, shoving the stupid drugs down my throat… You're ignorant to all the symbols.
I'm going to blind you so you won't hurt. I want to show you that I do this, because I love you. Our time together is so short. Blind the face with beauty paste, I'm covering up the scars on my pale face. Eventually you'll one day know…
Change my attempt. I've changed. Is it good enough? Fours years passed, and this is me smiling all of my good intentions. I've never been cleaner, happier. To see you so fresh and loving towards me.
And in my nightmare, come to life, I can see that smile fade. You hate me.
Limbs tied, skin tight, they're taking me away, Remus. Don't you believe me? The drugs and the damned drinking, it's all gone. That's what you blame, all the mistakes we both made for each other. This is really me, not the idiot you knew, trying to tell you that he cared. I didn't kill him.
But here I sit in Azkaban, knowing that you're relying on those drugs to keep you alive right now.
Self inflicted his perdition. I killed him, the stupid me four years ago, the one who didn't know how to say that he loved you.Your death, I can't stop imagining you. I'm sure I'm dead to you, and I can't help the tears now, Remus. I love you too much.
Should I, could I, actually tell you? I'll hurt myself until I can spit it out. Just like last.
I had to change my attempt. My intentions… they were too good, my good intentions. I can't change now, there's not a reason to. You're not here anymore.
Should I, could I, should I, could I?
It's all I can think. The Dementors are taking you away. They're filling the emptiness with all the memories of drugs and drink; that it's what you are to me now. Only you die every time I think of you. The drugs kill you.
I should've told you. I'm sitting here staring at the wall. Trying to figure out what went wrong. And I know.
I shouldn't have tried. I should have told you.
I love you.
Music and lyrics belong to 10 Years.
Characters and other related Magical world items belong to J. K. Rowling.
Thanks for reading!
Moony73