Just a small one shot to make me (us?) wait for Thursday's episode. I hope there aren't too many mistakes as English is not my native language... Enjoy! And happy new year!
Summary: Elena has trouble sleeping. Damon tries to find out why, and what he can do about it.
At ten past two, she finally decided to shut down her laptop and really get under the covers. She had watched four episodes of her favorite show in a row and still, she did not feel sleepy at all. Four reruns she knew all the dialogues of and she knew deep down she would just not fall asleep. She put her laptop on the bed table and flopped the sheets around her, tossing and turning, stopping just long enough for her body to burn with heat and then pushed them. Hot. It was too hot. Definitely.
But thirty seconds after pushing the covers off, she rolled her eyes when she couldn't help but shiver from coldness.
Nope.
Nope, nope, nope. She just would not fall asleep. It was the third night in a row. And as much as she wanted to pretend that she did not know why, that annoying voice in her head just would not let her get away with it. She kept her eyes opened, convinced that it would tire her, but instead she found herself contemplating her ceiling with a newfound interest. If she focused enough, she could hear Alaric's drunken snores from Jenna's old room. It kept her busy for around a minute when she found herself bored again.
Twenty past two. Oh, tomorrow morning would just be the best ever. She was supposed to get up around six to train with Alaric before going to school. As usual she would be a zombie just good enough to be mocked. She could already hear Alaric's quips and see his smirk. Urgh.
Two thirty. Oh, now why couldn't her body just give in to the tiredness? She could feel it, deep down, the pressuring need to close her eyes, but when she did… Yeah, when she did, that's when the sleep rushed away from her.
As this thought penetrated her mind, the warmth of her comforter turned into burning heat again and she just had to get up to open her windows. As she stood up, she ran a trembling hand through her hair and sighed deeply. Maybe she should just drop the sleeping idea altogether and just train by herself. But to do what? She was good at nothing, she never even came close to hurting Damon when they mock-fought – and mock he did. In one fluid move, she opened her window and savored the wind that suddenly gushed inside her room.
Oh, and now she needed to pee. Third time in two hours. This was just becoming ridiculous. But then again, maybe when she came back she would stop suffocating under her sheets and be more relaxed.
She opened the door to the bathroom, and could not help but check on Jeremy. She slightly pushed his door and caught a glimpse at his sleeping form. A pang of jealousy sprung in her heart. That jackass. Sleep was no problem to him. A loud snore from Alaric's room made her jump – she almost shouted. Dammit. She could deal with thousand-year-old vampires, actually even kill one but she had to jump when her drunk teacher/parent figure snored too loud. Come to think of it, even despite of his wife/girlfriend troubles, Alaric never had any problem sleeping. Maybe she could try drowning her fears in whisky, just to make sure. She contemplated the idea, just for a second, and then shrugged. There was no whisky left in the house anyway, Ric usually kept it safe in his room – sharing was caring but Ric cared too much about his whisky to share it with anyone.
After another deep sigh, Elena locked Jeremy's side of the bathroom and tried to pee. But as she was sure, nothing came and she really couldn't help but shake her head.
However, when she went back in her room, she immediately noticed that something was wrong. Something was not the way she left it. Her window was closed. She was absolutely positive that she had left it open. Which meant only one thing…
Her eyes dropped on her bed, and she knew it even before her eyes registered the information. It was like her body knew before her mind did, as if her body felt it before it could tell. And even though she could not help the feeling of safety that rushed through her veins, even if for a second her heart skipped a few beats, she jumped from surprise and then rolled her eyes in annoyance – did he REALLY have to do it every time?
"Damon!" she whisper-shouted.
He smirked – of course he smirked. Laying on her bed like he had a week before, on what she was starting to consider "his" side – not that she'd ever admit it – he was playing with her stuffed bear as if it were a puppet.
"Come on, like you're even surprised. That window-opening-thing was just an invitation. Not that I'm complaining. Actually, I wasn't expecting you to be wearing pajamas… Something more along the lines of… Nothingness… If you get my drift…" Damon said, waggling his eyebrows as he usually did when he made such allusions.
Elena shook her head but laughed softly despite her efforts. She considered the situation for a second and then mentally shrugged her shoulders (what the hell it wasn't the first time) and went to lay under her covers.
"I needed some air, you perv. That was not an invitation. What the hell were you doing outside my house at… " she looked at her alarm clock, "two forty five in the morning? Are you stalking me?"
He actually shrugged his shoulders, staring intently in her bears' eyes. She took it away from his hands and held it against her chest, drawing his attention on her face. He was still smirking, and she noticed that he did not look tired at all, his eyes were sparkling with glee.
"Of course I was stalking you. I'm a vampire, that's what vampires do, they stalk. But don't act like that bothers you. We both know you secretly love it." He smiled frankly at her, letting her know that he was joking. She shook her head again, smiling back at him. They looked in each other's eyes, each second passing morphing Damon's face into seriousness itself. He was noticing the circles under her eyes, the lazy smile on her face, the slowness of her heart beat. "You look like Steve Buscemi. Why are you not sleeping?"
Elena broke eye contact and turned on her back, playing with her stuffed animal absent-mindedly.
"I don't know. It must be the full-moon."
Damon huffed, unconvinced. "The full moon was a week ago."
Elena threw him a side glance and smiled wickedly. "A post full-moon insomnia?"
"Yeah, right."
They kept quiet for a minute, neither of them moving. She could still feel his eyes on her, piercing through her. She could feel her walls crumbling. It was just a matter of seconds, but as she opened her mouth, she found herself completely incapable of letting a word come out. It was like an anvil was pressed on her ribcage, forbidding her to talk. She felt like she was choking – the words just wouldn't come out. Her body would not let her free herself. So she closed her mouth and her eyes and tried to take deep breaths. A moment later, she felt his tentative hand brush off her hair from her face. She turned back towards him, holding her stuffed animal tight against her with one arm, using her other to take his. She offered him a weak smile. When he smiled back, she felt a bit of the anvil being lifted. But his stare was just too intense, she had to roll back once again, her eyes looking at the ceiling.
There was another silence. She could feel his piercing gaze on her. He was definitely worried now, she could tell.
"For a long time, I thought I brought all of this on me, you know."
She could actually hear his brows rise on his forehead.
"Please tell me you're not actually feeling responsible for Klaus being a hybrid murderer freak."
A small laugh escaped her lips, and she turned her face towards him.
"Of course not. I am not responsible for Klaus's actions, I know that. But… Jenna, Caroline, Tyler… In a way, Bonnie and Jeremy too. I'm responsible for everything that happened to them, aren't I?"
Damon actually sat up a little bit, resting on his right elbow, eying her like she had become completely nuts.
"You're kidding, right?"
"Hear me out. I mean… I'm not physically responsible for their death, or for Bonnie becoming a witch, I know that. But in a way… Everything happened because of me. Because of what I did. If I hadn't blown out family night that day, if I had been smarter, if I just hadn't called Mom to ask her to pick me up when she had forbidden me from going to Kelley's party… Then they wouldn't have died, and Stefan never would have met me and wanted to know me. This whole debacle, all those deaths… it happened because Stefan stayed in town and fell in love with me. Because we fell in love."
By the time she finished her sentence, she was staring at the ceiling once again, hoping that the wetness she was feeling in her eyes would go unnoticed. Of course, it didn't. Damon used his finger to stop a tear from falling before he finally lay back down, letting out a deep, heart-felt and a little obnoxious sigh.
"You can be so self-centered sometimes, I swear."
This sentence felt like a punch in Elena's stomach. She fully turned to face him, suddenly angry and deeply humiliated.
"What? I just told you something I never told anyone, let you in on my biggest guilt and that's the comfort you offer? That I'm self-centered?"
Damon's brows just rose higher, as if what he was going to say was the most obvious thing in the world.
"And if we're laying down things we're guilty for, Elena, you tend to forget why we're in this Original mess in the first place."
Elena just looked at him, puzzled.
"Klaus heard about you because he learnt that Katherine wasn't really killed in 1864. And why did he learn that?"
She understood where he was going with this, now.
"Because you opened the tomb, but…"
"But nothing, Elena! Nothing. You can feel bad all you want for your parents' death, but honestly, whatever you had done, I would have come back to Mystic Falls to free Katherine and I would have done everything in my power to free her, whether I had met you or not."
This kept her silent for a moment, but Damon just kept going.
"In the end, Klaus would have learnt that you existed because Katherine knew about you through Isobel – which, once again, I'm responsible for – and you would have been even more easily found. She already had Mason Lockwood, making a new vampire was not that complicated which she proved by turning Caroline, and she might have been able to strike a deal with Klaus to grant her freedom."
He paused for a second, putting his hand on her cheek, caressing the tears that were now flowing from her eyes.
"The way I see it… You would have turned up really dead, because no one would have been here to protect you. Stefan would have been far away somewhere, journaling his broody gloomy life and I would have been working on world war three to get back at Katherine."
There was a new pause. Elena could feel her hand holding his elbow shaking slightly.
"But they would all still be alive," she whispered, her voice only audible for his vampire hearing.
"First of all, that is absolutely not a certainty. Klaus did not mind killing Jenna just for the fun of it, and your parents would have tried to protect you and died trying. Second of all… ask any of your friends if they regret their choices, if they regret protecting you and having you alive and human at their sides."
"It's not about whether they regret their choices but…"
"But about how you regret yours? How you miss your old teenage and carefree life?" he cut her.
Elena didn't need to nod. He understood.
"Don't you see it?" he said, his eyes staring deeply in hers. He scooted slightly closer to her – he needed to make her understand. His hand trailed down her neck, to her shoulder and squeezed her arm gently. "That's what everybody has been trying to do for a year. Protect you and allowing you to have a normal teenage life. You can't feel guilty for it."
"What about Caroline? And Bonnie?"
Damon shrugged.
"Caroline has all eternity to be a teenager, she'll be able to be prom queen every year in every stupid town there is in this country. Her dream has literally come true. And Bonnie is a witch, she was born this way, she has absolutely no one to blame for it, no actual choice. She was born to protect you – you can't let her fail you."
Panic rose in her chest.
"And Jeremy and Alaric?"
"Alaric's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. As for Jeremy… He's your brother. He's reacting the same way you reacted and you'll ever react whenever anything threatens him. You can't blame him for it."
She kept quiet, letting Damon's arguments sink in. His smirk returned to enlighten his face.
"See? You're self-centered. Don't grant yourself more power than you actually have over things, sheesh."
He grinned at her for a second, but quickly enough, Elena saw through the façade. For the first time, Damon was looking nervous, hesitant almost. Elena squinted her eyes, silently asking him what was wrong. His grin turned into an almost shy smile. Elena's heart stopped for a second, bracing herself for what was going to come next.
"You said… The way you said it…"
"What?" she whispered, worried when his hand left her arm to lean against his chest.
"It sounded like you regret even meeting Stefan."
Like you regret meeting me, he meant, she was sure of it. He heart dropped. His eyes bore through hers, studying her reaction, trying to understand what she was feeling, what she was thinking.
"Absolutely not," she answered firmly. "You never really let me finish earlier, what with you insulting my weaknesses."
He laughed a little, seeming slightly more relaxed. She smiled warmly at him.
"I was going to say… If I hadn't been such an obnoxious teenage bitch to my parents that day, I never would have met Stefan or you, and… And even though my life objectively sucks and you're a psychopath, I couldn't imagine my life without you guys in it."
His smile seemed so honest and genuinely happy she felt her heart melt a little bit – only Damon would be happy about hearing someone call him a psycho. But then the seriousness, the worry came right back.
"Is that why you can't sleep? Because Stefan left and you can't let go?"
She didn't answer right away. Answering would change things forever. But then… She really needed admit it to herself. She started to shake her head.
"It's not why I can't sleep." She finally said.
Damon stared at her, urging her on. She sighed.
"But you can't let go of Stefan?"
Once again, she did not answer right away. The anvil came back on her chest, a little bit. He took her silence for confirmation and Elena realized how much he must love her when he opened his mouth.
"We can look for him again, if…"
"No, Damon. You don't get it."
Was that relief she saw on his face? Was he secretly happy that Stefan had not come back after Klaus freed him? Because, it truth, she sort of had.
"I am used to him not being here anymore."
Silence.
"The worst part is that I'm perfectly okay with it. I don't even want him to come back. I've loved him for a year, with everything I had in me, I loved him so much and I think he did too but… But I'm not enough. A year ago, I never would have believed it but… But… I'm okay without him in my life at all."
She looked into Damon's eyes. His face did not show anything. Panic rose in her chest.
"I'm horrible, right? He fought so hard not to hurt me at senior prank night and I repay him with letting him go."
"Shhh, stop, no you're not horrible, it's called self-preservation." He scooted closer to her again, and Elena found herself moving towards him too. His presence had a way to calm her, it was incredible. Damon's hand came back to lay on her cheek. He flashed her with an evil grin. "It's a good thing, trust me – I was worried that you didn't have any of that in you for a while…"
She scoffed. Touché. His face turned back to serious.
"He told me he would not come back if he was free, that's why I wasn't really…"
"It's not even why I can't sleep." She suddenly cut him. She didn't know how she found the way to pronounce the words when they would not come out a few minutes ago.
Damon shushed, and blinked, surprised. What is it, then? His eyes asked. Her mouth struggled.
"I… I am…" She breathed in and out, slowly, trying to calm her pumping heart. "I'm scared." She eventually managed to enunciate.
Damon looked at her deeply, silently. Then shock featured on his pretty face.
"That's it?" He deadpanned. "You're scared? That's your big unsayable secret?"
And again with the hurt and the anger.
"Wow! You really know how to deal with a girl's insecurities!"
She pushed the covers and moved away from him, but he reacted quicker than she thought – would she ever learn? – and grabbed her arm with his vampire speed to pull her back in bed. She found herself under the covers and cradled underneath his body before she even had time to contemplate where she had been headed to.
"Stop." He whispered intently. "I'm sorry. I just don't understand why it was so hard to say… Of course you're scared, and again it's reassuring. You'd be stupid if you weren't."
He hovered fully over her, caressing a strand of hair out of her face.
"You said it then: we'll find a way to take down Klaus and we'll survive."
The anvil came back on Elena's chest but her mind ignored it completely.
"The question is not whether I'll survive. Klaus won't kill me." Complete panic rose and flew through her veins, spreading like venom across her body. She felt her body starting to tremble. "What about Jeremy and Ric, and Caroline and Bonnie, and you? You said it yourself earlier, he killed Jenna for the fun of it when I did EVERYTHING he expected of me. What will he do when he figures out what we did to Rebekah? He'll kill you and I CANNOT possibly do anything against him."
Damon was at a loss of words. She saw in his eyes that he had thought of it too, he was just better at hiding his fears and he honestly cared much less about what happened to Elena's circle of friends than she did. Obviously, the only problem he had with losing Bonnie was that witches that were willing to die for Elena were not that common and it would be harder to find another one. Same went with Caroline – the fact that she was a vampire was also pretty handy. As for Tyler, he honestly wished the stupid hybrid moron would just die as soon as possible. But Elena would just frown upon the idea so he knew it was just not an option.
"Look, we'll figure it out…" he started
"We can't run: he would kill everyone. I actually wanted you to erase everyone's memories of me, to tell them to change their identities and fly away from Mystic Falls and never come back but…"
"Wait, what?"
That was a big change he had definitely NOT foreseen in Elena. How could he have missed it? When did she contemplate erasing herself from her friends to protect them and run? A few months ago she never even would have considered the thought.
"Caroline can't be compelled and we don't have an Original on our side anymore to do it. Plus that Original would be a liability. And I'm not sure witches can be compelled either, and it still leaves Tyler as a major issue..."
"We can always just kill him" offered Damon, more to force her to shut up than being actually serious. "I volunteer."
Elena shot him a terrified look. Really? That much for Tyler?
"The more I think of it, the more I think we should protect Jeremy."
She obviously hadn't heard him – again. This was becoming really serious.
"Like, erase his memory?"
The horror would not leave her face. Elena silently nodded, trying – and desperately failing – to look resolute.
"It seems like the only option. Erase completely any memory of me and our family and this town and put him somewhere safe – in another country, I was thinking of Australia, it's far, Klaus would never…"
"Okay, now I know you are not being serious." He declared. "You can't be talking about making your brother forget about you, you know you won't be taking that choice away from him again."
"I can't lose him Damon!" she said loudly.
She pushed him away from her, and he was so surprised from the gesture that she actually managed to get away from his grip and stand up. Dumbstruck, he stayed seated on the bed, taking in the look of pure terror and exhaustion on her face. So this really had kept her up all night these past two nights.
"He's the only family I have left!"
She spinned on herself, her hands grasping her head, pulling her hair slightly. Damon stood up slowly.
"Every time I sleep, I have nightmares." Elena finally confessed. "I come home, and Jeremy's members are scattered around my bedroom, there's blood and guts everywhere. His face stares at me and he says everything is my fault. And then Rebekah and Tyler come in and laugh at my face, singing that I have no family left anymore."
Damon walked up to her, reaching for her arm to pull her to him. Tears flew down her cheeks as he cradled her face against his chest.
"And then Klaus enters, says I shouldn't have fought and he makes Jeremy's face turn into yours. He offers me your heart to eat and somehow, I know that everyone I love is dead, he's killed everybody and I'm all alone and it's all my fault."
And there it was, he thought. All the fears and the guilt taunting her and finally coming out.
Violent sobs shook her body to the point where Damon thanked god he was strong enough to take that much despair. She obviously wasn't and her legs soon gave away. Half-expecting it, he carried her to the bed and laid her down as she gripped his shoulders anxiously, hugging him with all the little strength she had. He tried to soothe her, caressing her hair as she snuck her head in the crook of his neck, still shaking, making empty promises he knew he could not hold however hard he was trying to. Of course it would not be okay, of course Klaus would kill other innocent people even if Damon did everything he could to prevent it, of course there was the growing possibility of Klaus ripping his heart out and making Elena eat it.
At one point, her sobs died down, but he could still feel her tears running down his neck, slipping under his shirt. His hand did not stop smoothing her head, slowly massaging it while the other one rested on her hip.
"Are you on vervain?" he finally asked.
Elena sniffed, and looked at him, surprised.
"No, why?"
"You're not wearing your necklace anymore…"
She turned to her night table and picked a tissue while showing a pretty bracelet hanging on her wrist.
"It's my mothers. John gave it to me last year to apologize for being such a sucky father. Since I never take it off and it doesn't seem a thousand years old…"
"Do you mind taking it off right now?"
Elena stared at him, frowning, trying to understand. He smiled nicely.
"I can rid you of your nightmares. For the night, at least, but I'm willing to come every night and look at you in your cute PJs if it comes down to it."
She couldn't help but stifle a silent chuckle.
"Oh you selfless you!" she mocked, wiping some of the tears left in the corners of her eyes.
"Oh, all right, if you really want to make it up to me, you can wait for me every night with sexy lingerie. I know it'll inspire me."
She chuckled slightly again and went back to snuggling against him. He let her head rest on his chest. They stayed quiet for a few seconds, when he felt her move her left hand. He watched as she slowly took the bracelet off and dropped it on the ground. He thought about four days ago when he asked her if she trusted him and she was so quick to answer positively. They had come such a long way, it was hard to realize. She looked up to him with complete trust, it almost freaked him out. Dangerous grounds here, Mister Salvatore.
"What do you want to dream about?" he whispered. He waggled his eyebrows. "And yes, I am willing to do sex dreams – with me, obviously. But then again, why only dream?"
She smiled fondly and shook her head, shrugging her shoulders.
"I don't know. Unicorns?"
Damon rose his eyebrows.
"A sex dream with unicorns? Kinky. Didn't think you had it in you. I can work with that."
"Eww, gross!" she slapped his hand, really laughing this time, loving the way his abs were shaking against her as he laughed along with her. "No sex dream. Please. I'm not ready."
"Urgh. You're just no fun."
She looked up at him and smiled again, then rested her head comfortably on his shoulder. His right hand went back to her hair and caressed it softly. She let the shivers of pleasure wash over her and slowly but steadily, she felt her muscles relax, listening to Damon's breathing. She closed her eyes as her fist tightened against his shirt, and sighed deeply.
She was amazed when she found herself gazing at a starry sky, a soft warm wind blowing her hair slightly. She felt relaxed and safe, and those two feelings combined felt amazing. She had almost forgotten how it was to be carefree. She was somewhere up, in the middle of a city decorated with tons of lights and people walking by. When she turned, her mouth opened and her eyes almost popped out of her face.
"So, I take it you like?" asked an amused voice behind her.
Elena turned again and saw Damon, pressed against the guardrail. She could only nod for a second.
"How could you get me to the top of the Eiffel Tower?" she eventually managed to get out.
Damon's eyebrows rose mockingly, then he shrugged.
"That's kind of the point of a dream. Lucky for you, I've been to Paris and jumped at the very top of the Eiffel Tower and that's the true view you have when you're up there."
He took her hand and pulled her in his arms gently, showing her a huge garden and two big buildings ahead of them. She breathed in deeply, taking in his scent, barely hearing him at first.
"That's the Champs de Mars over there, and these stairs take you up to the Trocadéro. They have a few museums there. On the fourteenth of July, everybody gathers on the Champs de Mars and around to watch the fireworks and drink the night away. It's actually really fun when it's not raining."
Elena laughed and looked at the view, savoring the instant, however fake it was. It felt so real, so good, it was almost intoxicating. She felt so happy at that moment her breath was taken away for a few seconds. She knew she was supposed to be worried about something but couldn't bring herself to remember what and she knew she did not want to try.
"It's amazing, Damon." She eventually breathed out, turning in his arms to face him. She wanted him to know how sincere she was.
"Wait." He whispered, his eyes sparkling with glee. "It can get even better, considering your girly standards."
She eyed him suspiciously, mirroring his smile. A neighing resounded behind him, and Damon moved slightly aside, revealing an absolutely gorgeous white unicorn. It stared into Elena's wide eyes deeply, and neighed gently once more. It was so corny Elena dissolved into laughter.
"You brought a unicorn on the Eiffel Tower!" she managed to enunciate after a moment. "It's ridiculous!"
"Hey! You're the one who said you wanted to dream about unicorns!" he argued, joining in the hilarity.
Elena kept laughing for another moment and then looked up at Damon, smiling genuinely. He couldn't help but smile back.
They were so close, she realized suddenly, and she felt so happy. She knew Damon could manipulate the dream at will but she also felt that he wasn't touching her emotions, that he had just set up a new décor, offered a different refreshing perspective and that everything she felt at the moment was true – as true as a usual dream was. Thankful, her hand went to his cheek, caressing it, trying to convey all the emotions she had bottled up for him, the emotions she did not really know how to voice and she did not dare contemplate for fear of what she might find if she did.
It was just a dream, she knew it. It was just a dream, and maybe that was why she allowed her head to lean towards him, why she allowed her lips to fall on his. It was just a dream, but she knew that when she would find the strength to do the same thing in reality she would feel the same explosion in her heart, the same excitation running through every single vein of her body, the same sensations that made her body shudder.
He kissed her back – of course he kissed her back –, as her hands dropped to his waist and his flew to her neck, bringing her face closer to his, stroking her cheek, her neck, her arms like he had earlier, reveling in the heat of her skin, savoring the crazy rhythm of her heart.
After a moment she stopped, looking at him with a blinding smile. If it could, his heart would have stopped.
"Thank you." She whispered.
"You know me, always willing to help." He murmured, not trusting his voice.
She turned softly in his arms, snuggling against his chest, staring at the lights of Paris, and she closed her eyes. She knew it was just a dream, she knew it was unfair to kiss him in a dream he was creating for her and that it was a coward way to handle their relationship. He knew it was just a dream, and that it was unfair to kiss her when she was feeling miserable and that it was weak of him to kiss her when he knew that she was still not ready to do it in reality.
But it had felt right for both of them. And it had tasted better than anything else before. It had tasted like hope. Like a promise.
Elena breathed in the fake Paris air.
She was not scared of sleeping anymore, she knew it. She was actually ready to wake up.
She was ready to fight.
She smiled confidently, and wormed herself closer into Damon's already tight embrace. She was ready to fight, but morning and all its implications would come soon enough.
No need in rushing to wake up, right?
Damon kissed the top of her head.
Right.
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