A/N: As promised, here's CoS! And due to popular demand, we're shortening the chapters =)
Standard disclaimers apply
Chapter One
Hedwig the Owl added "making loud, hooting noises in the morning" to their interests.
Harry Potter: IT'S GETTING REALLY FUCKING OLD, HEDWIG.
Hedwig the Owl: Meep! Ignoring you! Meep!
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: If you don't get your owl to STFU, then I'm shooting and eating it for breakfast!
Harry Potter: She's bored – she's used to flying around outside. You know, like a regular wild animal. If I could just let her out at night, then this wouldn't be an issue.
Vernon Dursley:DO I LOOK STUPID?
Harry Potter: With that bit of fried egg dangling from your mustache? Yes, you most certainly do. However, you always look stupid, even when you don't have bits of food on your face…which is usually most of the time…
Vernon Dursley: I know what will happen if that owl's let out!
Vernon Dursley sent Petunia Dursley a dark look.
Petunia Dursley sent Vernon Dursley a dark look.
Dudley Dursley just belched!
Harry Potter: Oh my god, why are you so disgusting.
Dudley Dursley: It's the manly indication of having just eaten a full meal. You wouldn't understand, since you're not a real man.
Harry Potter:Neither are you! You're barely twelve, for fuck's sake!
Dudley Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: I want more bacon.
Petunia Dursley: There's more in the frying pan, sweetums. I want you to eat as much as you want, since I don't know how well they feed you at school xoxoxox
Vernon Dursley: Pish posh! I never went hungry when I attended Smeltings.
Harry Potter: Are you fucking serious? You're concerned if he's getting enough FOOD? Honestly, the amount of food that fat piece of shit consumes for a single meal could provide for a poor family in Africa for a WEEK. He could do with not eating as much at school! Look at him! His fat is hanging off either side of the chair! Vomit-inducing!
Vernon Dursley: Shut your mouth, boy!
Dudley Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Pass the frying pan, bitch.
Harry Potter: You forgot to say the magic word, BITCH.
Dudley Dursley: :O
Petunia Dursley: :X
Vernon Dursley: :(
Harry Potter: Fuck.
Harry Potter wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: I meant "please"! I didn't mean to allude to REAL magic. Shit…
Vernon Dursley: WTF DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SAYING THE "M" WORD IN OUR HOUSE?
Harry Potter: Wait, did you just refer to this house as "ours"? Like, as in mine as well? Wow, that's something. You really think I'm part of this household?
Vernon Dursley: IT WAS A SLIP OF THE TONGUE. NOW STFU, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. HOW DARE YOU THREATEN DUDLEY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Harry Potter:With WHAT? Reminding him to be courteous and use his manners? Shouldn't that be YOUR responsibility as parents? Jesus-FUCKING-Christ, not only did I not have parents growing up, I'm also fucking twelve-years-old, and I know more about parenting than YOU do.
Vernon Dursley: I WARNED YOU! I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!
Harry Potter: I'm not going to even TRY to get into how you guys are not normal…so FINE. WHATEVS.
Harry Potter wishes his fat bastard of an uncle would stop watching me out of the corner of his eyes. It's fucking creepy.
(Vernon Dursley, Petunia Dursley, and Dudley Dursley like this.)
Harry Potter: I hate you all so much, it's ridiculous.
Harry Potter misses Hogwarts so much it's making my tummy ache T_T Everything and everyone except Severus Snape – still hate you.
(1,060 others like this.)
Severus Snape:I see the summer so far hasn't reduced the size of your over-stuffed head.
Harry Potter: NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR INPUT, SLIMEY.
Severus Snape: Just you wait for this term, Potter. Just you fucking WAIT.
Harry Potter really wishes Vernon Dursley didn't lock all my shit under the stairs – I need to practice Quidditch and do my homework. So all you professors on Facebook – if I come back to Hogwarts and don't have my homework, then you'll know why! I'm sorry! I would really like to do it, but I just can't!
Severus Snape: WOW. Yes, let all of us ACCOMADATE the GREAT Harry Potter! He shouldn't have to do homework, because he's the most wonderful person alive! FUCK YOU. If you don't have my summer assignment done, I'm failing you!
Harry Potter: Ugh, can someone PLEASE lock this guy up and throw away the key? He has some serious psychological problems.
Oliver Wood: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PRACTICING 10 HOURS EVERYDAY? UNACCEPTABLE!
Harry Potter: And him, too.
Harry Potter also cannot believe that the Dursleys have forgotten that it's his birthday today! Turning 12 is a pretty big deal right?
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: So, today is a very important day.
Harry Potter: Wait…omg, did you really remember my birthday?
Vernon Dursley: This could well be the day I make the biggest deal of my career!
Harry Potter: Douche bag.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall:I think we should run by the schedule one more time: at 8, Petunia, you will be…?
Petunia Dursley: In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.
Harry Potter: I almost feel sorry for you, Aunt Petunia. Your life is just depressing.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Dudley, at 8 you'll be…?
Dudley Dursley: I'll be waiting to open the door. *AHEM* May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?
Petunia Dursley: They'll love him! ^_^
Harry Potter: If these people have one iota of intelligence, they will see through your fake politeness. You have no manners, as clearly shown earlier with your inability to say the word "please."
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: AND YOU?
Harry Potter: I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.
Vernon Dursley: You got that right, bitch.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: I will lead them into the lounge, introduce you and pour them drinks. At 8:15…
Petunia Dursley: I'll announce dinner!
Dudley Dursley: May I take you through to the dining room, Mrs. Mason?
Petunia Dursley: My perfect little gentleman! Xoxox lyl.
Harry Potter: Please stop trying to reenact the evening. And Aunt P – stop this fuckery. He's FAR from being a gentleman.
Vernon Dursley: WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING, BOY?
Harry Potter:I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.
Vernon Dursley: That's right.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: Okay, so we need to seriously butter them up so I can get this job, since my company kind of sucks. Have any ideas?
Petunia Dursley: Vernon tells me you're a WONDERFUL golfer, Mr. Mason…DO tell me where you bought your dress, Mrs. Mason.
Vernon Dursley: Perfect, honey!
Dudley Dursley: We had to write an essay about our hero at school, Mr. Mason, and I wrote about you.
Petunia Dursley: MY DARLING BOY!
Harry Potter: Ugh, STOP. That's just fucking weird.
Vernon Dursley: And YOU?
Harry Potter: *sigh* I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.
Vernon Dursley: You fucking better, because the Masons don't even know you exist, and it's going to STAY that way.
Harry Potter: That's lovely, truly. Fuck you.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: After dinner, you bring Mrs. Mason back to the lounge for coffee, and then I'll bring the subject around to drills. With any luck, I'll have the deal sealed before the news 10. We'll be shopping for a vacation home in Majorca this time tomorrow – LOL.
Harry Potter: Well aren't you a cocky bastard.
Vernon Dursley: I'm going into town to pick up dinner jackets for Dudley and me. And YOU, Potter, stay out of the way of Petunia while she's cleaning.
Harry Potter: Wow, I'm surprised you're not making me clean the house. That's usually my job.
Vernon Dursley: Frankly, we don't trust you to do a decent job.
Harry Potter: WHAT? I'm a fantastic cleaner!
Petunia Dursley: He's got a point, dear…
Vernon Dursley: THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE, DAMN IT!
Harry Potter is singing "happy birthday" under his breath. After all, it seems everyone hasn't noticed that it's my birthday, including Ronald Weasley and Hermione Jane Granger – FUCK YOU ALL. At this rate, I'd be happy to see Draco Malfoy. THAT'S how lonely I am. (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Holy shit – the hedge is staring back at me? WTF! (sent from mobile)
Dudley Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I know what day it is!
Harry Potter: Good for you. Now you can finally list the days of the week.
Dudley Dursley: It's your birthday. How come you haven't got any cards? Aren't that ginger loser and that bushy-beaver psycho your friends in that freak place?
Harry Potter: …STFU. Besides, your mummy-dearest wouldn't want you talking about my school. :p
Dudley Dursley: Why are you staring at the hedge?
Harry Potter: I'm considering arson. Using spell work.
Dudley Dursley: Dad told you not to do magic! You'll be thrown out! And you've got no friends to run to!
Harry Potter: JIGGERY POKERY! HOCUS POCUS! SQUIGGLY WIGGLY!
Dudley Dursley::O
Dudley Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: MUUUUUUUM! HE'S DOING YOU KNOW WHAT!
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Petunia Dursley poked Harry Potter.
Harry Potter wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE TRYING TO HIT MY HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?
Petunia Dursley: YOU WON'T EAT ANOTHER MEAL UNTIL YOU DO THIS SHIT.
Harry Potter: What about my not doing any of the cleaning?
Petunia Dursley: I'M NOW SAYING YOU MUST.
Harry Potter my list of chores: cleaning the windows, washing the car, mowing the lawn, trimming the flowerbeds, pruning and watering the roses, and repainting the garden bench. My life is fantastic. Wish everyone could see famous Harry Potter now. (sent from mobile)
Severus Snape:LOL.
Harry Potter: I really don't need this shit right now, SIR. I'm being polite when I tell you to fuck off. The sun is burning the back of my neck, my back fucking kills, and I'm sweating like no other. I'm not in the mood.
Severus Snape: I love my life right now hearing about your misery.
Petunia Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: GET IN HERE!
Petunia Dursley: Eat quickly, the Masons will be here soon!
Harry Potter: I worked all fucking day in the heat, and for my supper I'm getting two slices of bread and a lump of cheese? Did you guys read a book while I was away at school about how to abuse children, because I swear you've gotten worse!
Petunia Dursley: HURRY THE FUCK UP! GET UPSTAIRS!
Harry Potter: *sigh*
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Remember, boy, one sound, and I'll fucking kill you.
Harry Potter really wants to collapse on his bed, but there's some asshole already sitting on it! WHAT THE HELL.
Chapter Two
Harry Potter Well, at least I know what's been watching me out of the garden hedge earlier today. One mystery solved.
Harry Potter and Dobby the House-Elf are now friends.
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: Er…hello?
Dobby the House-Elf: HARRY POTTER! OMFGZZZZZ SO LONG HAS DOBBY WANTED TO MEET YOU, SIR. IT'S SUCH AN HONOR!
Harry Potter: Um…thank you. I guess.
Harry Potter wrote on Hedwig the Owl's wall: Thanks a lot Hed, just sleeping there and not notifying me that there's a fucking STRANGER in my bedroom!
Hedwig the Owl:zzzzzzz.
Harry Potter:Oh yeah, that's right, wake up for about five seconds just so you can update your status. FUCK YOU.
Hedwig the Owl: zzzzFUCKYOUzzzz
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: Who the hell are you?
Dobby the House-Elf:Dobby, sir. Just Dobby. Dobby the house-elf.
Harry Potter: Yes, I can read your name just fine on my computer screen. Okay, I can see this is turning down a road in which I try to have a straight conversation with a magical creature, but I will get nothing out of it except frustration. So let's make this brief: this is not the time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom.
Dobby the House-Elf: Oh.
Harry Potter: Not that I'm not pleased to meet you – always love to meet another adoring fan, but is there any particular reason you're here?
Dobby the House-Elf:YES! Dobby has come to tell you, sir…it is difficult, sir…Dobby wonders where to begin.
Harry Potter: Ugh, shit, you're one of those people who refer to themselves in the third person. Geez. Well, I can see this is going to be a long evening…so why don't you take a load off. And starting at the beginning always works.
Dobby the House-Elf:Wh-wh-what? S-sit down? Never in my life!
Harry Potter:STFU! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you or anything…
Dobby the House-Elf: OFFEND DOBBY? BEING ASKED TO SIT DOWN BY A WIZARD…LIKE AN EQUAL…DOBBY CAN'T HANDLE IT!
Harry Potter:Oh my god, what part of STFU don't you understand?
Dobby the House-Elf sent Harry Potter an expression of watery adoration.
Harry Potter: Oh boy…
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: Well, you can't have met many decent wizards, then ^_^
Dobby the House-Elf: No, not really…
Dobby the House-Elf: That was an awful thing to say…omg. Why did Dobby say that? BAD DOBBY! BAD!
Harry Potter: Ugh, I can't fucking win. OMG WTF ARE YOU DOING? Banging your head against the window?
Hedwig the Owl DOES NOT LIKE TO BE WOKEN UP!
Harry Potter: I DON'T NEED MORE NOISE ADDED TO THIS SITUATION! STOP SCREECHING!
Hedwig the Owl:Meep!
Harry Potter:Omg fuck you.
Hedwig the Owl:^_^
Dobby the House-Elf wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Dobby had to punish himself, sir. Dobby almost spoke ill of his family.
Harry Potter: What family?
Dobby the House-Elf: The wizard family Dobby serves, always at their beck and call. Dobby is bound to serve one house and one family forever and ever and ever…
Harry Potter: Do they know you're here? By the way, they sound like dicks already, kind of like something Malfoy would punish others for, actually.
Dobby the House-Elf: Hell no, sir! Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, sir.
Harry Potter:"Most grievously"? Who talks like that?
Dobby the House-Elf: Shutting his ears in the oven door would be fitting.
Harry Potter: You should really add "masochism" to your interests.
Dobby the House-Elf added "masochism" to their interests.
Harry Potter: That was kind of a joke…you didn't have to do that right this second…
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: Why don't you leave if these assholes keep punishing you? You shouldn't stand for this shit.
Dobby the House-Elf: A house-elf must be set free, sir. And the family will never set Dobby free *sobs*.
Harry Potter sent Dobby the House-Elf a box of tissues.
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: And I thought my life sucked. This makes the Dursleys sound almost human, instead of the nasty pigs that they are. Could I do something to help you? I can't have anymore more pitiful than I.
Dobby the House-Elf: OMGZZZZZZ YOU'RE THE MOST WONDERFUL WIZARD!
Harry Potter: I really wish I never said anything. PLEASE SHUT UP. The fat pigs downstairs can't know you're up here!
Dobby the House-Elf: Harry Potter asks if he can help Dobby…your greatness is legendary…but Dobby had no idea of your amazing goodness!
Harry Potter is feeling distinctly hot in the face.
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: All my greatness is a load of horseshit. I'm practically at the bottom of year at Hogwarts, only passing because of Hermione…that dumb bitch who NEVER WROTE TO ME!
Dobby the House-Elf: So humble…and modest! Not even speaking of his triumph over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…wow; that was quite a lot to type out for Dobby.
Harry Potter: You mean Voldemort? That's a lot easier to type, you know. And say, for that matter. That "nickname" of his is such a mouthful, and annoying as hell to type out.
Dobby the House-Elf: SPEAK NOT THE NAME, SIR!
Harry Potter: You talk funny. If Ron were listening to this, he would call you a jackass, which HE is because he NEVER WROTE TO ME EITHER!
Harry Potter: BTW, I know you two are checking Facebook, especially you, Hermione, because you have no life. Just know that I'm extremely angry with you guys and when we do talk, I will be abusing the capslock button. You've been warned!
Dobby the House-Elf wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Dobby heard through the grapevine that Harry Potter met the Dark Lord just weeks ago and Harry Potter escaped…YET AGAIN!
Harry Potter: Yeah, it's true. I know, it's crazy shit, but that's how I roll.
Dobby the House-Elf: So valiant! And bold! He has braved so many dangers already!
Harry Potter:Well, my life hasn't been that dangerous, so far. Sure, I faced the most evil wizard that ever lived when I was one, fought a mountain troll after only two months of magical training, almost died flying a broomstick, was attacked by a monstrous three-headed dog, was almost strangled by Devil's Snare, was nearly crushed by over-sized chess pieces, potentially could've drank poison, and then faced the same most evil wizard a second time and narrowly escaped, but other than that, it's been pretty normal and safe.
Dobby the House-Elf: Shit, Harry Potter is like a magnet for trouble, which brings Dobby to his reason for visiting him: Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.
Harry Potter:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOLZZZZZZZ.
Dobby the House-Elf:Dobby is quite serious, sir!
Harry Potter: You can't be fucking serious. I have to escape this hellhole! I have to go back to Hogwarts, it's the only place where I feel normal.
Dobby the House-Elf: Nonononononono! Harry Potter must stay here – he is safe HERE. He cannot be lost! Mortal danger lies at Hogwarts!
Harry Potter: Er…care to explain this to me?
Dobby the House-Elf: There is a plot that's about to be in effect this year! Terrible things will happen!
Harry Potter: Well, now this is beginning to get interesting. What terrible things? Who's plotting them? Now I'm definitely more excited to go to Hogwarts – another yearlong mystery to solve!
Dobby the House-Elf is inflicting pain onto himself! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Okay! I get it! You can't tell me! Actually, this just makes everything a lot more exciting for me, so I'm rather glad. But I don't understand why you're warning me, unless this has to do with You-Know-Who? Just shake or nod your head. No need for you to have another psychotic breakdown.
Dobby the House-Elf: Not…He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, sir. *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*
Harry Potter: I can tell you're trying to give me a hint, but it's too subtle for my simple twelve-year-old mind. Does he have a brother?
Dobby the House-Elf: No, Harry Potter would've definitely heard about that by now.
Harry Potter: Well, then I give up; I have no fucking clue who would actually stand a chance of doing damage at Hogwarts, especially with Dumbledore there.
Dobby the House-Elf:Albus Dumbledore is the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had. He has great power and
Harry Potter: Sorry, Dobby, I had to take your phone away because I'm really getting sick of these Dumbeldore rants of his awesomeness. I respect the man, really, but right now we need to focus on your not wanting me to go back to Hogwarts and the mortal danger that waits this year.
Dobby the House-Elf: Dobby was just going to get to the point that Dumbledore doesn't have certain powers because no decent wizard…oh geez, saying too much!
Harry Potter:Please don't punish yourself! Ugh shit, too late.
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: Quick! Get in the closet!
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU JUST RUINED THE PUNCH LINE OF MY JAPANESE GOLFER JOKE.
Harry Potter: The joke probably sucked, anyway. I did you a favor.
Vernon Dursley: ONE MORE SOUND AND I'LL FUCKING CUT YOU.
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: Now do you see what a nightmare this place is? I have to go back to Hogwarts. It's the only place I've got…well…I THINK I've got friends. I don't really know anymore at this point.
Dobby the House-Elf: Friends who don't even WRITE to Harry Potter?
Harry Potter: …HOLD THE PHONE. How do YOU know my friends haven't been writing to me?
Dobby the House-Elf: Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby…he did it for the best…
Harry Potter: Oh my FUCKING Christ. Have YOU been stopping my letters? And I'm assuming that YOU'RE somehow responsible for my lack of Facebook messages? And how the HELL did you do that?
Dobby the House-Elf: Dobby has the letters here, sir. As for your Facebook messages, Dobby hacked onto your Facebook and deleted everything.
Harry Potter: How the fuck do you know my password?
Dobby the House-Elf: Dobby is a house-elf – he can do many awesome things. But Harry Potter mustn't be angry…Dobby hoped if Harry Potter thought his friends had forgotten him…then he might not want to go back to Hogwarts, sir. On a side note, you should probably change your password from "badass wizard" to something less…obvious…
Severus Snape:Christ, Potter, if I had really wanted to even I could break into your Facebook…not too subtle are you, you stinking little narcissist?
Harry Potter: Again, Snape, I don't have the time for your bullshit right now. Now Dobby, that's pretty shitty thinking – even if I had no friends and was a loser, I would rather be at Hogwarts, learning MAGIC than going to Muggle schools and being a loser there.
Dobby the House-Elf: Oh…Dobby didn't think about that…
Harry Potter: Give me back my letters!
Dobby the House-Elf: Harry Potter shall have them, sir, if he promises that he will not return to Hogwarts.
Harry Potter: FUCK YOU! GIVE ME MY LETTERS!
Dobby the House-Elf: Dobby has no choice, then…
Harry Potter: What the –? Where are you going?
Harry Potter just jumped the last six steps, landing catlike on the hall carpet. Heeeeelllll yeahhhhhh I'm like fucking Cat Woman, bitches! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY AUNT'S MASTERPIECE OF A PUDDING? Please, stop this! I'll be fucking MURDERED for it!
Dobby the House-Elf: Say it, Harry Potter…SAY IT.
Harry Potter: I can't!
Dobby the House-Elf sent Vernon Dursley a pudding to da ground.
Harry Potter wrote on Dobby the House-Elf's wall: I FUCKING HATE YOU.
Vernon Dursley wrote on Mr. Mason's wall: I'm so sorry…it's just our nephew…he's very disturbed. Meeting strangers upsets him, so we kept him upstairs…
Harry Potter: Nice cover.
Vernon Dursley: I'm going to flay you to within an inch of your miserable life. It's just a stone-cold fact.
Random Ministry Owl #456 sent Mrs. Mason a letter.
Mrs. Mason wrote on Vernon Dursley's wall: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LUNATICS!
Mr. Mason: What is the meaning of this, Dursley? My wife is deathly afraid of birds – is this some kind of sick joke?
Harry Potter I can't believe I was complaining about how shitty my life was before. I'm actually going to get tortured for this. (sent from mobile)
Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: READ IT.
Harry Potter honestly, don't these people at the Ministry of Magic have brains? I didn't even LEARN how to do a Hover Charm yet! Wouldn't they find this a bit suspicious? Of course not, because my life fucking blows. (sent from mobile)
Vernon Dursley: It's about to get A LOT WORSE. You failed to tell us that you weren't allowed to use magic outside of school…
Harry Potter: Oh my god, a bolt of lightning, PLEASE?
Vernon Dursley: I'M LOCKING YOU UP AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT SCHOOL AGAIN, AND IF YOU TRY TO MAGIC YOURSELF OUT – YOU'LL GET EXPELLED. MWHAHAHA CATCH-22, BABY!
Harry Potter I'm literally a prisoner right now: I have bars on my window, there's a fucking CAT-FLAP in my bedroom door so I could be given food three times a day, and I'm only allowed out TWICE a day for the bathroom. I would say that life here has reached an all-time low, but that doesn't convey how hellish it really is.
Petunia Dursley sent Harry Potter a bowl of cold canned soup.
Harry Potter wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: Thanks so much for the soup – it's definitely providing me with the proper nutrition needed for a growing twelve-year-old boy.
Petunia Dursley: YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO BE EMPLOYING SARCASM! YOU'RE LUCKY WE'RE NOT LETTING YOU STARVE!
Harry Potter: That's exactly my point: YOU ARE STARVING ME.
Petunia Dursley: You eat what you get!
Harry Potter sent Hedwig the Owl soggy vegetables.
Hedwig the Owl sent Harry Potter a look of deep disgust.
Harry Potter wrote on Hedwig the Owl's wall: YOU KNOW WHAT, you should be fucking GRATEFUL I'm giving you anything! I'm barely getting enough to feed myself properly! There's no point in acting like a stuck up bitch!
Hedwig the Owl: I fucking HATE you for getting us involved in this situation! Why did you let that annoying as FUCK house-elf ruin our lives?
Harry Potter: I don't remember seeing you try to stop him!
Hedwig the Owl: You have opposable thumbs. I don't. Therefore, you could've done more. Therefore, I can hate you.
Harry Potter:THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.
Hedwig the Owl:I'd rather be with one of my NUMEROUS ex-lovers that stuck in this hellhole with you, Potter. I'm getting sick of looking at your face.
Harry Potter:Oh, I APOLOGIZE. I'm not a CAT or a TROLL, or wait, a fucking SORTING HAT!
Hedwig the Owl:Are you trying to make the argument FOR us getting together?
Harry Potter:Oh…right. That is creepy. Anyway, aren't you a boy now?
Hedwig the Owl:No, I changed back.
Harry Potter:Shit…
Harry Potter is fucking STARVING! And is wondering if I don't turn up at Hogwarts, would someone be sent after me? I really hope so, because looking at my life right now, it's the only viable option.
Harry Potter doesn't like to be ogled at! Stop rattling my cages!
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: It's me, mate! ^_^
Harry Potter: Is this a dream? It must be. I'll go back to sleep now.
Ronald Weasley: THIS ISN'T A DREAM, DAMNIT. WAKE UP.
A/N: Please review! We love hearing your thoughts ^_^
D+K