It's been a long time. Sorry. I've been busy.
Yes, I know it's a dumb title. Officially this is untitled, but if I'd chosen to leave it so, everything I wrote would be untitled. I suck at titles.
... never mind.
This is set at the end of seventh year, and for once doesn't have Remus as a main character.
For Cadenza and Banscylla and Akiko.
Finished 08 April 2003Walking the Tightrope
"Avery, it may be true that you're finished with school, but to destroy your notes is stupidity."
Severus opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling as the sound of tearing paper stopped, abruptly. Finally. The other boy had been using his study notes to feed the lamps for several days.
"Will someone wake Snape up?"
"I'm awake." Severus swung himself off the couch easily. "Sir."
Professor Azazel raised his eyebrows. "A word, Snape?"
"Yes, sir." He followed the head of house outside the common room, and was surprised when the man continued walking.
"Not with me, Snape." Azazel regarded him with what passed for a smile. "The Headmaster."
The Headmaster? Severus hadn't seen Dumbledore since his sixth year. Since Black tried to murder me and Lupin nearly succeeded.
Trouble?
Then… ahh. Keeping me out of trouble. He never slept while he was lying on the couch in the common room with his eyes shut. That was only so that he wouldn't be bothered. Not that anyone ever tried to bother him; by the time he'd reached his seventh year Severus had become something of a legend. The juniors kept a wide berth, and his housemates left him alone. Severus spent most of his time studying, running through theories mentally.
Now that the finals were over there was even more time to think, and he had a lot to think about. Plans for the future.
Especially in times like these.
I wonder when Voldemort starts recruiting.
And, of course, I wonder what the old devil Dumbledore is going to do about that. He had to realise that half his Slytherins were entering the Dark Lord's service almost immediately after graduation. Perhaps the man had finally decided to do something about it. Severus would be the top student in Slytherin this year and he made a logical first target for both sides.
"Chocolate frogs," Azazel muttered. Severus watched impassively as the gargoyle sprang aside. A Headmaster who knows his sweets. "I won't escort you up, Snape."
"Yes, sir." Severus stepped onto the moving staircase. Even so, it never pays to underestimate Dumbledore. It was impossible to tell whether the Headmaster was really a jolly old man or merely pretending, but in any case it was a mistake to assume that he was only a jolly old man.
He knocked briefly, noting with faint displeasure for the second time that Dumbledore had elected to use a gryphon as his knocker, and then opened the door just enough to slip in. "Sir."
Dumbledore returned his matter-of-fact acknowledgment of existence. "Severus."
Severus couldn't help glancing around. The office hadn't changed one bit since the last time he'd been there.
Dumbledore coughed lightly – if that's supposed to get my guard down, you're very much mistaken – and cleared his throat. "I suppose any attempt at casual conversation would not be entertained, Severus?"
Severus said nothing. To disagree would be useless – it had been a statement, not a question – but to agree would come close to rudeness.
"Then I won't do any such thing," Dumbledore said shortly. "I have an offer for you, Severus."
Oh? "You have heard of the Order of the Phoenix."
Another statement. Dumbledore knew about the Slytherin grapevine, then. Slytherin was a house that operated on connections. News spread like wildfire and almost all of it was accurate. "Yes, sir."
"An elite league against Voldemort. Perhaps you might be interested in a position?"
But –
That had been an unexpected move. Severus had anticipated a job that had nothing to do with Voldemort. Is he so sure that I can be trusted?
No, of course he's not – but he knows that I must be made to think so. I have to trust him first.
That only forces their hand, gives them more reason to follow Voldemort. It cripples the Ministry. Yet here was Dumbledore, openly offering him a position in his maverick league. It was independent of the Ministry, Severus knew that. Dumbledore would head it himself.
He realised that he had been silent for too long. "What kind of position?"
"I'll be honest. Intelligence."
Of course. "You will have a second position. Amelia is retiring soon; the place of Potions master will be free by the time you graduate." Dumbledore almost smiled. Amelia Absinthe was the Hufflepuff head teacher, a lovely woman and a good teacher. She taught a Gryffindor-Slytherin double class in the one subject where it was possible to poison or injure another student in the name of scientific inquiry. Severus could see why she was resigning.
A place in the Order and a teaching position. You do know how to supply incentive, Albus Dumbledore. "You have three days to consider. I will not be changing the password; you may come up at any time to give me your answer." Dumbledore stared at him with pale blue eyes. "Any questions?"
Nothing he couldn't answer himself. Severus shook his head. "Thank you, sir. Goodbye."
Severus left the office with his mind spinning. There had been more information in what was unsaid than in what was said.
There had been no mention of Death Eaters. If Dumbledore had told him the dangers of following Voldemort he would have shot himself in the foot. Severus knew the dangers. Anyone who was considered for a place was intelligent enough to know the dangers. By keeping quiet Dumbledore had shown that he understood the way Severus thought.
The old devil. He's seen the flaw in the way the Ministry works; he's offering me a chance to rise by another method in the hope that that will keep me from desperation. He knows half the Death Eaters join because of desperation.
All right, so what do I do?
If I reject Dumbledore another false position will be arranged – teaching in Durmstrang, maybe. But Dumbledore will know what I am, even if he has no proof. He knows I'd never settle for just teaching.
And evidence can always be found. Dumbledore will know where to look.
Voldemort, then. If I reject Voldemort – has anyone ever done it? Has anyone ever done it and lived? Assuming it's possible – then I'll be cut off from Slytherin. There's no way that piece of news isn't going to get around. How much intelligence can I gather that way?
And Voldemort will be after me. Heaven hath no fury as a Slytherin scorned.
Severus jerked around. The damn werewolf. Remus had a way of finding him no matter where he went.
But the spot overlooking the lake was a place that both of them could lay claim to, and Severus had met him there since first year. He had forgotten that today, and he swore mentally. "Get lost."
"Skipping dinner won't do you any good."
Severus turned and walked away. Remus Lupin had a tendency to talk even if he got no reply. Severus had spent a couple of nights standing in the shadows listening to Remus' monologue for hours, but he didn't feel like doing that now.
The fact that he actually listened was something he never admitted to himself. Remus was a match for him, had an uncanny way of knowing exactly what he was thinking.
"Professor Dumbledore spoke to you?"
Severus stopped dead.
"Order of the Phoenix," Remus said, very quietly. He was close, perhaps two paces behind him.
Nothing for it. Severus turned. "How do you know that?"
Remus gave him a faint smile. "Because he asked me, too."
Severus hissed. He couldn't help it. He had been so absorbed in his own matters that he had forgotten that entirely. "You?"
"Me." Remus turned to one side, still smiling. "And I have no choice. You know that." He paused. "No, that won't be a reason for you to reject the offer. I have a feeling that you and I will never be asked to work together. Nor with Sirius or James."
Potter and Black, even Potter and Black? But of course. Severus could even see why Remus had been on the list. They'd topped Defense Against the Dark Arts together, and Remus was no fool.
Damn werewolf. "Good."
Remus sighed, very softly, and stepped away from him, staring out towards the lake so that Severus was facing his back. "You really do hate me, don't you?" He didn't pause long enough for Severus to reply. They both knew the answer to that. "It will be a satisfactory job."
"He doesn't trust me one inch." Now they were talking, really talking, and Severus knew he would regret it. But he was confused enough to want to know even what the werewolf had to say.
"You'll never know. Even I don't know if he trusts me, and he saved my life."
Severus hissed between his teeth a second time. "I know your sob story, Lupin, and I don't want to hear it again."
"I apologise. Professor Dumbledore… is impossible to outguess, Severus. Please believe me on that. I don't know what Voldemort is like, but if it's in any way possible it would be best for Professor Dumbledore to be on your side."
You think I don't know that? But Remus did. That was why he was saying it. He had learnt not to expect any answers from Severus, and he spoke for both of them.
"You aren't a Death Eater yet."
Severus blinked. Remus had no way of knowing that.
Remus turned. "Don't take both assignments, Severus. It'll kill you."
Severus stared into the other boy's grey eyes. He hadn't considered accepting both places, but now that Remus had brought it up he realised it had already been lingering at the back of his mind as the only real solution he had. Walking a tightrope with Dumbledore on one side and Voldemort on the other. It's suicide.
"If I take just one it'll kill me faster," he whispered.
Stupid. Stupid, confessing to a werewolf. Remus shook his head. "You don't know that."
"When I find out it'll be too late!"
"Severus." Remus stepped closer. "Severus, I don't presume to be able to understand what you're going through. I don't know enough. But you aren't capable of taking on both Dumbledore and Voldemort and you know that. Dumbledore wants you in the Order to keep you safe, and if he can offer you that post it means he knows he can do it. Leave the power play to Dumbledore and Voldemort. Severus – I don't want to see you dead, and if you try to match both of them you will die, Severus."
Severus moved back. "Shut up, Lupin. You don't know what you're talking about."
But he does, the blasted werewolf knows exactly what he's talking about. "Severus – " Remus reached out to grasp his shoulder, and Severus jerked away from him. Remus had never tried to touch him, not in all seven years. The boy drew his hand back in consternation. "I'm sorry."
"Go away." Severus' breath was coming in short, angry spurts. "Or I will."
He turned and walked away.
As soon as he was certain that Remus wasn't following him and couldn't see him, he broke into a run.
"Severus? Mail came for you at dinner." Avery glanced up, stared at him in frank surprise. "Are you all right?"
"Fine," Severus snapped. He picked up the envelope, and his heart sank.
Not now. Damn it, not now. Severus ripped it open. Yes, now.
Four words, in Lucius Malfoy's flowing handwriting. Nine-thirty. It's a date. "What's the time?"
"Eight."
"Damn!" Severus ran down to his room to change out of his school robes, retrieved his cloak, and sprinted back up.
"Severus, it's past hours!" Avery.
"I don't care!"
.
Severus was composed again by the time he entered the Three Broomsticks. At least it's nothing I wasn't expecting. And they'd sent Lucius to tell him. Lucius, who was his senior by two years and had been more or less his only friend in the entire school.
Lucius was waiting for him, wearing a smile he didn't like. "Care for a moonlight stroll?"
Severus rolled his eyes. He had been expecting that, and there was no other way they could talk privately. "Someday I'm going to be taller than you are, Lucius, and then we'll see about that."
Lucius merely smiled. "You're far less recognisable than I am." He glanced at the counter. "Bill, please."
And then they were outside. Severus glanced around, and then sighed as he flicked his hair over his ears and slid the hood of his cloak on. If anyone catches me like this I'll die of embarrassment. With his hood on he could pass for a girl in this darkness with his long hair. Severus was tall and angular, but he was not so tall as Lucius and he was slim for a boy. They had done this before, and it had worked. No one bothered a pair of lovers, especially when one of them was Lucius Malfoy. "This had better be good, Lucius."
Oh, but you already know what it is. Lucius laughed. "You're not the one who's going to be accused of appalling taste, Severus. The Malfoy reputation is hanging over this. Now, slow down. We're walking far too quickly."
Lucius slid one arm around Severus' waist, pulling him close. Severus let him. Embarrassment, hell. If it's going to be a choice between Azkaban and embarrassment, then just get the damn embarrassment over with. "You're graduating soon," Lucius murmured. "Any plans?"
Preamble. Even Dumbledore knew enough to skip that. Lucius laughed again, softly, at his silence. "Sorry. I've had to do this spiel with too many other people." He paused. "Do you want a place or don't you, Severus? The mock-up will be Durmstrang. Potions or Defense Against the Dark Arts, your choice."
Severus shut his eyes momentarily. "Tell me, Lucius. What happens if I say no?"
"Why should you?"
He didn't answer that. "What happens if I say no?"
"You know who I am."
"If you're arrested I'm a dead man, Lucius, and the Ministry will never let me anywhere if it comes out that I was under consideration. I'm not that stupid."
"You won't be in with the Ministry, Severus. I'm not that stupid, either."
So he already knew that. But perhaps he didn't know what exactly Severus was in with. There had been no intelligence on who was on the lists, or Severus would have heard about it. "It'll be foolish to have me killed."
"Granted."
"That's not an answer, Lucius." Severus tried to keep himself calm. Lucius was close enough to hear his breathing and could probably feel his heart rate as well. He didn't know what would happen if Lucius knew how frightened he was.
"Severus – " Lucius paused, and Severus knew he was seriously considering it. " – I don't believe you'll be killed. Not yet. Can you tell me why you don't want it?"
"There isn't enough in it for me. I can get a teaching position in Hogwarts. That's at least a secure job."
Lucius' expression was unreadable. Yes, I know. It's a remarkably un-Slytherin thing to do. But he couldn't tell Lucius about Dumbledore's offer. That would be suicide. "Understandable," Lucius finally said, slowly. "No, I think you'll be asked to reconsider. You have a few years of grace unless you pose a danger."
But I will pose a danger. There's no way that I won't be a danger. Then his options were gone and he'd have to walk the tightrope. "Lucius, when do you need my answer?"
"Within a week. Use the Hogsmeade post."
One week. He had three days to give Dumbledore an answer and one week for Lucius; he would only be graduating in a month. Three days to decide and one month to plan. And Severus would be planning as he had never done before.
Can I do it?
Remus' expression, more serious than he had ever seen him, grey eyes staring straight into him. If you try to match both of them you will die, Severus.
Will I?
"You'll have your reply soon."
"Very well." They'd walked all the way to an old wall. Pushing one of the bricks resulted in the opening of a secret tunnel at its base; that was how Severus had managed to meet him. Lucius let go of him. For a moment he stood there, head tilted, regarding him with a faintly concerned expression. Then he seemed to give up. "Take care of yourself, Severus."
"I will." Severus pushed his hood back and stepped into the tunnel, pushing the switch that would shut it. "Lumos."
He knew what that had been about. Lucius couldn't protect him and would not. His own position could become shaky if he tried to defend someone who was obviously a traitor to Slytherin.
But Severus didn't agree with the ideals of the Death Eaters. It was a fact that very few Death Eaters did except Voldemort himself. Voldemort had a cult running on charisma, fear, and ambition. Even Lucius was only in it for the power and for what he could learn from Voldemort. The matter rested entirely on what was in it for him.
On the other hand, until Dumbledore had presented him with this he had not considered any other career. It was too difficult and far too dangerous to reject Voldemort.
So Lucius had proved helpless; his own hands were tied. No one else in Slytherin presented a viable source of conversation, much less advice. Dumbledore was a player in this game, and none of the teachers would even see that there was a choice.
And then there's Lupin. Remus knew there was a choice, but he was a Gryffindor. He'd force Severus' hand, too, if he felt that Severus was making the wrong decision. The boy was a werewolf; he had been coddled by the entire faculty ever since he entered the school, by the headmaster himself. He didn't understand a thing. Severus had slipped by talking to him. Remus would tell Dumbledore that Severus was wavering, and he'd have to take the consequences.
Whatever Lupin says, I can't outfight Voldemort. Nor can I outguess Dumbledore. Then he'd have to take both, act as double agent for both, pass information both ways. He couldn't risk keeping either assignment a secret; he couldn't possibly pretend loyalty if either Voldemort or Dumbledore found out that he hadn't been honest.
Then which side do I throw in my lot with? I can't fool both, it would kill me. I have to choose a side. Back to the common room, back to his room. Severus undressed and lay down, eyes open. He wanted so much to go to sleep, but the problem wouldn't go away and he had to figure it out now. One month before the nightmare starts for real. I have to find a back door by then, as many back doors as I can possibly arrange – But he would hit a wall at some point, and then there would be no escape.
No. Not now. Choose a side. Who did he have to help him? No one. Himself. Lucius would do the best he could, but Severus would be needing more help than Lucius could afford. Voldemort had a short temper. If anything was to happen he would come under suspicion immediately, and unlike Dumbledore Voldemort didn't just ask questions. Any slip-up there and he would be dispatched. No one cared one bit about his life; it was a matter of how much use he was to them.
Dumbledore, then. Dumbledore didn't care two hoots either, but he seemed to trust him enough to take a risk and place him in intelligence. But he'd be the only Slytherin there, and he would be blamed for any mistake. It would be just as easy for him to fall out of favour here. Remus might try to help him, but ultimately the werewolf was a puppet dancing on Dumbledore's strings.
Like everyone else. Like me.
Dumbledore had started this, with his idea of trying to save Severus from the Death Eaters. Can't he see that he's going to get me killed?
Severus stared at the ceiling. Of course he does. He knew that I'd be approached by Voldemort. There's no way he didn't. And this is what he's planned.
He
And it was Dumbledore who had foisted it on him, under the pretense of goodwill.
Severus felt like choking. Of course. Of course, of course. He knows. If I accept the Death Eater position I will tell the Headmaster, and I'll pass intelligence both ways. The task of keeping track of everything and trying to outguess the two best players on the field – Dumbledore and Voldemort – that alone will kill me. Add a teaching position, and I'll drown in my own webs.
Dumbledore knows what kind of person Voldemort is. He's going to let Voldemort break me.
Then I won't be a danger to him.
Voldemort, then. That was playing with fire, and if he was counting on Voldemort to keep him alive he would be bitterly disappointed.
But at least Voldemort isn't trying to kill me yet. Severus shut his eyes. He would write to Lucius the next morning and inform Dumbledore. Then he'd have to start weaving webs.
And now – go to sleep. You're going to have to do a lot of thinking tomorrow and you have to be awake to do it.
But – just a few minutes –
All right, then. Just a few minutes, and no more.
Severus Snape is based on me. I apologise. He has very little backstory compared to Remus, and the original version had a mind full of fireworks until about five minutes from the end of Goblet of Fire. With Severus I'm more or less working from scratch, so if in any way he acts like a sixteen-year-old girl that's my fault entirely. I try my best.
I can't promise that I'll write any more. I had to change schools a while ago, so I'm drowning in academia at the moment. I only managed to do this when schools were closed in Singapore because of SARS. I'm back in school now, and chances are that I'm going to get busier.
I'm also running right out of backstory, and I'm not sure whether Order of the Phoenix is going to solve that for me. For one thing, it's quite likely that it'll overturn whatever theories and characterisation I've turned out over the last year.
So... well, I don't know. We'll see.
End
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