Written for the HPFC Emotions Challenge. I'm looking into expanding this when I have the time.
If I owned Harry Potter, this would be canon. Hence the name ~fanfiction~?
Disgust (n.)
Profound aversion or repugnance excited by something offensive.
His name was Lucius.
Just Lucius.
He had no surname. According to Abraxas, he had no father either, never mind the fact that it was his own father who said that. According to Abraxas, he did not deserve the Malfoy name; he was too pathetic. Who was Lucius to deny it? It was true, after all. Lucius felt for halfbloods, cared for house elves, and was adamant in refusing to be a Death Eater. In Abraxas' words, he was 'a Malfoy tainted with Gryffindor traits'. To be honest, Lucius detested being a Gryffindor, because unlike them, he did not wear his heart on his sleeve and emit an aura of bravery.
He was not like Black, that foolish boy from Gryffindor who seemed proud of the fact he was an outcast in his own family. Black did not seem to realise the weight of this problem; he was too caught up with his childish friends to know that being ousted from a pureblood family was a shame. But truth to be told, a part of Lucius could understand why Black looked so happy. He did not have to bear with facing his father when he got home; he did not have to withstand the punishments and verbal abuse spouting from his own childhood hero. He hated his father, and he knew the feeling was mutual.
Lucius was disgusted by the way a proper Malfoy should behave. In his parents' eyes, he was to marry a pureblooded woman, become a Death Eater, and then vanquish all traces of Mudblood and halfblood wizards, who purebloods deem an obstacle in achieving a peaceful pureblood society.
He did not want to be like Abraxas; it was unsightly to watch. He wanted to be Lucius, a highly respected man who everyone admires because of his success and fortune. He did not want to be Lucius Malfoy, a man people fear yet bow down to, because of his reputation of being within the Dark Lord's inner circle.
It was just unfortunate then, that his life paved him only one route ahead. His name is Lucius Malfoy, and he hated it.
He was becoming his father; he began to show signs of conceit and arrogance towards fellow Slytherins. He hated himself, for never trying to relinquish the childish admiration for Abraxas. He shoved Mudbloods out of his way and sneered at halfbloods who passed by him. He earned himself two Death Eater cronies flanking his sides, both partaking in his bullying. He became hostile towards teachers, losing the respect he earned from being a good student when he was younger. He pushed his true friends away from him in favour of the sneering pureblood roommates of his. Slowly he changed from the polite, respected student to the cruel, feared Malfoy heir.
But no matter who he was, Abraxas still hated him.
Said father found it important to tell Lucius that he was disgusted by his act of tomfoolery. He told Lucius to stop fooling himself by trying to please him, because it would never happen. But Lucius never conceded; he unknowingly tried and tried again, watching his father for signs of praise or nods of approval. He tried and tried again, but Abraxas still directed those same hateful eyes at him. Lucius never knew why he kept on trying, as it seemed that no matter what he did, his father would still be disgusted at calling his son a Malfoy.
When Abraxas died, Lucius was distraught. Everyone figured he was just mourning, for he seemed close to his father. Nobody knew that he was just disgusted at himself, because he never got the approval he wanted. When Abraxas died he still thought of Lucius as a pathetic, foolish boy who just happened to be his son. Lucius never got to change his father's mind; never got to know how it was like to be on his father's good side for once; never got to be treated like a proper son.
Lucius never stopped being the cold, conceited man he had become. He never did, but instead grew more cruel and deceitful. Unbeknownst to him, in his heart was a feeble hope that his father would be proud of him if he continued being this way. A part of him knew it was useless, for Abraxas would still be disapproving no matter what. He kept hoping, even though he knew Abraxas would still be sickened by him. And he was starting to hate himself for it too; he started to feel disgusted of himself and how he was acting like. But he was too far gone; the road to change into someone else, maybe someone like Black, was long past. He missed the chance, and now he was stuck as a Malfoy. A sickening, disgusting, Malfoy.
His name is Lucius.
Lucius Malfoy.
Good? Bad? Reviews are priceless, literally and figuratively. Thanks for reading!