Billie "Sue" Jenkins: Superwitch
Summary: Billie steals the show...again... Piper can't stand it. Paige is the mediator, and Phoebe wants to throw-up in a sink. Billie Sue Jenkins: Superwitch; because even the Charmed Ones can't stand her.
CAUTION: Contains subtle hints of randomness.
I hope it's acceptable.
Disclaimer: Title of "Billie 'Sue' Jenkins" belongs solely to the tvtropes website. At least, that's where I saw it, so credit of that name belongs to them. Also, I do not own Charmed. It belongs to Brad Kern, Constance M. Burge, Aaron Spelling, E. Duke Vincent, Warner Brothers, TNT, etc., etc.
~*~
"Okay," began Paige as she laughed like a little school girl. "Knock, knock!"
Laughing along nervously, Piper plastered on a fake smile. "Paige, I've answered enough doors for today. I swear, if I answer any more, someone's arm is gonna come off!" With little Chris in her arms, she was forced to show a little restraint with her language, which was why the "threat" that she had just made came off in a voice that was just barely above a whisper, making her sound like some kind of creepy stalker.
"Hey, guys," walked in Phoebe to the kitchen aiming to grab a cup of coffee before she went out to work. "What's the haps?"
"Well, one of my sisters started practicing knock-knock jokes on me," replied Piper turning her head toward Paige. Afterwards, her head turned towards Phoebe. "And then, the other started saying 'haps,'" she said, coating each and every word with sarcasm.
"Mm-hmm, didn't get enough sleep, did ya?" questioned Phoebe leaning against the counter with her mug in hand.
Before Piper was able to respond, Paige tried chiming in. "Hey, Phoebe!" she said getting her attention.
"Yup?" she responded sounding all too chipper.
"Okay, okay," began Paige once more as she held up her hands in an attempt to heighten the joke's hilarity factor. "Knock, knock!"
"Oooo, who's there?" asked Phoebe now intrigued.
Piper, having heard enough, held up a hand in an effort to either grab her sisters' attention or thwart Paige's joke-telling. Luckily, it was successful in both. She then addressed Phoebe. "Don't answer the door! It's a serial killer!"
She meant for that to be a joke of her own, of course, but Paige was unexpectedly shocked and held her mouth open narrowing her eyes towards her eldest sister. "Hey! You stole my joke!" she complained placing her hands on her hips.
This time, it was Piper's turn to laugh. "Really? That was your joke?" By then, she couldn't help but laugh hysterically right alongside Phoebe who was also succumbing to the amusement. After a few more seconds of laughter, Piper wiped a tear away from one of her eyes and adjusted her grip on baby Chris. "Oh man! That was great! Next thing you know, Blondie, the 'Sue-perwitch' will be walking in here trying to steal our spotlight…"
Subsequently, the laughter had died, and they stared at the entrance to the kitchen waiting for just that to happen. After a few minutes of complete silence had passed by, they each let out a small sigh of relief. "Whoo, that was close," spoke up Phoebe who wiped her forehead dramatically. "You know, Piper, usually, when you jinx things, it always happens. I mean, for a second there, I really thought—"
"Hey, guys?!"
In unison, all three of the Charmed Ones moaned depressingly. "Oh, crap," muttered Piper. So much for restraining her language in front of the children…
"Guys, guess what!" said the perky voice that had now entered the kitchen followed by the appearance of a young blonde woman in her teens looking excited to tell them every bit of amazing information she had. "I cured AIDS!" she yelled.
Each sister looked at her with fake grins glued onto their faces. A few more minutes of awkward silence had passed by, and Phoebe was the first one to speak. "…Really?"
Billie Jenkins eagerly, in fact, too eagerly, nodded her head. "Yup! I also solved world hunger, invented warp drive, abolished global warming, found Waldo, beat Chuck Norris at ping-pong, helped Jack find the terrorists, fired Donald Trump, found the cure for cancer, discovered that Pluto is, in fact, not a planet…" Upon hearing that, Paige gasped loudly holding a hand over her heart. "…And beat Through the Fire and Flames on Expert in Guitar Hero! How sick is that?!"
With the same response and expression that she had held before, Phoebe repeated, "…Really?" after the same amount of awkward and silent minutes had gone by.
"Wow, all that, and ya still can't find your sister?" Piper asked. She couldn't help but jab that question right at her. I mean, c'mon; when you're getting cut off the screen because Billie got hurt, and she needed healing; or Billie needed to strengthen familial bonds or something to that effect, and have it not only happen once, but several times, would you be able to help it?
"Nope," Billie answered completely unaware of the sarcasm contained within Piper's question. "Weird, huh?"
"Uh-huh," Piper responded through gritted teeth as she made her way out of the kitchen to the play pen to put Chris down right next to Wyatt.
"Well, anyways," continued Billie. "Have you guys had any luck?"
Since Paige and Phoebe were the only ones left with Billie, they looked at each other, and then at the entrance waiting hopefully for Piper to return, and then at the ceiling where they found the graining to be absolutely fascinating. Phoebe returned to picking on her nails while Paige coughed a little.
"Well, not exactly…You know, I've got this…thing at work…"
"Um, well, you see…I needed to go dye my hair…again!"
"Then, Elise ripped it to shreds 'cause she didn't like it, and I was all like, 'Oh no…'"
"Then, I talked to Henry for a few minutes, which took like…an hour…"
"…And I was all like, 'The Office? I can't miss that!'"
"So, we ended up stuck inside this dumpster…"
"And I thought, 'Wow, wouldn't it be awesome if I was on television?'"
Gasping for breath, Phoebe and Paige had finally ended their seemingly endless rant on how each didn't have the time to help look for Christy. It was like one big gigantic sentence that tumbled out from each mouth, occasionally overlapping one another in a contest to plead their innocence.
Billie crossed her arms and gave an almost bored expression. "Oh, okay," she answered back. "Anywho, alls I knows is, it ain't my fault that I can't find her," she said as she looked at each of them, eyes filled with accusation.
"Hmmm…It's almost as if you're implying something," said Phoebe as she set down her mug and crossed her arms. "Like, it's our fault?"
"Well…yeah, kinda…" Billie confirmed. "I mean, it can't possibly be me!"
"Wait, what?" questioned Phoebe with a huge grin that read, "No, you're the crazy one!" "So, ya blame us for all your problems? Um, excuse me, but, last time I checked, she was your sister!"
Billie drew out her quick tongue. "Yeah, but, I've tried everything in my will power to look for her!" explained Billie. "So, it can't be something that I'm doing wrong."
"Why not?" asked Phoebe with her hands in the air. "And please don't tell me you're perfect because I will literally barf in this sink right now."
"Guys, could you please stop? All these italics are giving me a headache…" came in Paige rubbing her temples.
But, the half-whitelighter's attempts at peacemaking went unnoticed as Billie continued to "bolster" her argument. "No, no, no," said Billie quite frantically. "What? Of course not!" With that, Phoebe let out a small sigh of relief which happened to last for only a few seconds before Billie said this: "It's 'cause I'm the Billie Jenkins, duh!"
Next, Phoebe's sighing came out only in dire need of venting her pent up stress and annoyance. She placed a hand on her forehead as she closed her eyes. "You know, I liked you better the first time we met you," she said. "When we didn't know that you were a—" but she had almost forgotten about her vow to not swear anywhere near her nephews, or small children for that matter. "A…mean little doggie," she quickly corrected herself.
Strangely enough, Paige laughed. "You mean, back when she was still wearing that Lady Gaga get-up?" She was hoping for some laughs in return, but all she received were stares.
"Uh, Lady what?" Phoebed asked her younger sister.
Paige's brows creased up in confusion. She placed a hand to her throat. "Uh" was the only thing she was able to immediately spit out. "I dunno," she finally uttered. "I think the author's trying to use me to express her musical preferences."
"Right," said both Phoebe and Billie in unison.
"But, I kinda liked that costume," admitted Billie.
"Which, you gotta admit, made her look exactly like Lady Gaga," whispered Paige to Phoebe.
"It was itchy, but…"
Phoebe turned to her. "Paige, I can't admit something I don't even know about," she whispered back.
Paige looked up to the ceiling. "Damn you!" she quietly yelled shaking a fist to the air.
It was at that exact moment that, all of a sudden, about twenty demons, yes, twenty demons, shimmered into the kitchen looking ready to kill. Half taken by surprise, half thinking to themselves, "Not again," Billie, Phoebe, and Paige turned to face their intruders.
"All right, so, uh, which one of you is, uh…Billie?" asked who appeared to be the head demon now examining a piece of paper in his hands.
"Oooo, that's me!" yelled Billie excitedly holding her hand up.
The demon made his piece of paper vanish into thin air and smiled. "Oh, great then. Listen, I'm gonna need you to come with me so my ass doesn't get kicked, comprende?" He then stretched a hand out for her to take.
But Phoebe would have none of that. She decided to exploit the ruse of being protective of the younger witch in order to get to the bottom of something that completely stumped her. "Uh, hello?! Charmed One here," she said pointing to herself.
But, he waved her off. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Prue; we'll get to you in a second."
"What the hell, man! What the hell? I'm not Prue! Hello? Haven't you been paying attention to the series? Prue died like…a few episodes ago!" She was clearly flustered having to wave her hands about incessantly, but she was not going to let them live that down.
Deciding to interrupt before Phoebe's head had the chance to explode, Paige took a single step forward. "Uh, wait, so, why her and not us?"
The demon cupped a hand around his chin and raised a brow looking thoughtfully towards the ceiling. "Uh…ummm…'cause…" He was obviously having a hard time looking for an answer, given the almost constipated look he carried on his face not used to the idea of answering something he didn't know himself. "She's blonde?"
"Well, hot damn! Where were you for me in season six?" replied Paige.
"Actually, that was a light orange, you sissy!" He shook his head. "Look, lady, I don't know. And I try not to make it my business to know. Alls I knows is, I have to pay attention to her… for some strange reason. But I gotta!"
When Billie saw that Phoebe was ready to go another round, she pulled her back. "It's okay; I got this!" she said confidently. But all Phoebe did was give her the crazy look. Billie walked up in front of the demon practically to the point where she was forced to look up to him. With her hands on her hips, she shot the demon her "mean in a blonde way" glare. "I'll never let you take me alive!"
Paige slapped her forehead and Phoebe heaved a gigantic sigh.
"Hmmm, okay! Fine by me!" That was when the head demon's henchmen conjured up fireballs in the palms of their hands.
Billie eyed them all suspiciously until she realized what he was planning. "Oh, crap. This is the part of the episode where I get beat up several times, huh?" She was immediately lifted into the air with a hand to her throat seizing up all the oxygen. "Yeah, you just wait," she struggled to say. "They're gonna kick your asses!" After a good while had gone by, she started to worry. "Uh, any time guys!"
Phoebe looked at Paige; Paige looked at Phoebe. Phoebe mouthed, "Do we have to?" as she pointed towards Billie.
Paige shrugged. "I guess so," she whispered back. "The people 'Up There' would never forgive me."
"All right," conceded Phoebe. She walked over to the knife block, pulled out a heck-of-a-lot knives, and threw them at the rest of the demons, and they caught fire and died right there.
"Demons!" yelled Paige with her extended arm aiming for the window where they materialized outside of the house in a bunch of blue orbs.
This had deeply confused the head demon as his lackeys were now gone, giving Billie a chance to kick him repeatedly in the chest. He dropped her and Billie did some amazing somersault in the air, then she pulled a "Matrix" by running up and down the walls, then she did her taxes, then she spun her right pointy booted heel into the side of his head where it stuck until he disappeared into a bunch of flames.
Billie brought her leg down and dusted herself off while Paige and Phoebe just ogled in amazement. "Well," she began smiling at them. "I've got class! See you guys later!" So, Billie ran off leaving Paige and Phoebe to just stand there and stare at each other.
That was when, out of all the times she could have entered in conveniently, Piper ran in with a flushed face, panting heavily. "Hey, guys! Weirdest thing just happened. These demons orbed right in front of me while I went out to get the news paper, but luckily, I froze our entire street so, you know, I could follow the "no exposing magic" rule, but don't worry. I took care of them! What…" She looked around her kitchen with an inspecting eye and surveyed some scorch marks and several knives lying on the floor. Then she remembered seeing Billie run off to class when she ran right past her out the door. Clicking the pieces into place, she moaned in great depression. "Aw, damn it! She cut me off again!"
This summer, prepare for the worst. When you turn your back, always be prepared. Hide your children; hide your nieces and nephews, because this summer, she's armed and dangerous. She's Billie Sue Jenkins: Superwitch, and she's coming to a story near you.
Just a reminder, I didn't mean any offense with the blonde thing. So, I'm sorry if you were offended.