All the Fear You Know
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." -C.S Lewis
Author's Note: This is a re-post of an older story.
"I don't suppose you'll reconsider my offer."
"As much as I would love to accompany you, I believe my duties lie in planning a funeral."
Trufflehunter was gracious enough to let Reepicheep spend the night and after a morning tea and biscuit Reepicheep stood in the badger's doorway and said:
"Do not despair. The fault lies not with you."
"Yes it does Reepicheep," the badger replied, "if I only would have-"
"Done more, loved more, conversed more? All of these are fetches to say when bargaining. If he looked at you with forgiveness, then all is forgiven." Reepicheep answered.
"I wish I could believe that." Trufflehunter replied.
"Why don't you?"
"Because I-"
"Don't diminish yourself again!" The mouse shouted, "I refuse to stand in the doorway of someone who pities themselves."
"But it is my fault that he's dead Reepicheep!" Trufflehunter replied walking towards him," It's my fault. I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life!"
"You shouldn't blame yourself."
"But I do!"
Reepicheep sighed heavy, "Those who live in the past must also live with death and decay."
The badger nodded and began to turn to his affairs: "Good luck Reepicheep, I pray you find your father soon."
The badger grabbed the supplies he was preparing in a bag and handed it off.
"Perhaps you could use these," Trufflehunter said, "no use to anyone if it sits around."
"Gramercy." Reepicheep replied as he placed the supplies in his own burlap sack.
"What does that word mean anyway- gramercy?"
"That word dear badger," Reepicheep said with a smile, "is all we need to say when we have learned everything we have come to know."
"Are you implying that we are scholars studying and examining the ordinary?"
"I'm implying dear badger that we were made for somewhere else. We are searching for feelings and emotions that are impossible acquire here: happiness, joy, love. If we can find the quintessence of these then we shall have to look no further."
"If you find such a place, send for me." Trufflehunter said.
"Why dear fellow, you're walking the road that leads there, just keep walking!" The mouse said with a smile. He waved and continued on his way eastward.
"Reepicheep!" A voice called.
"Come about!" The mouse answered.
Nikabrik appeared as if he were running a marathon and has fallen victim to fatigue.
"Come...quickly."
"What is it?" The mouse asked.
"Best you see it for yourself." The dwarf said and quickly led the mouse to the trouble.
Genocide befell him for along the river bank, the bulk of his people lay dead. Reepicheep and Nikabrik took a walk, examining each cadaver and paying respects.
"They died by fire burns."
"Fire burns you say?" Reepicheep asked trying to keep his composure and noticing that Nikabrik was himself a bit burned.
"Yes sir," the dwarf said, "the Telmarines came in and burned everything. They all managed to get out but as you can see-"
"They burned alive. What a terrible way to go." Reepicheep said a tear forming.
Nikabrik sighed and lowered his head, "I'm sorry Reepicheep," he said, "I did what I could."
"I know Nikabrik." Reepicheep turned towards the dwarf, giving him a look of indifference:
"I know you must have charged in and finally be the hero you always wanted to be. I bet you feel pretty damn good about yourself don't you?"
"I don't understand, what are you-"
"I'm saying that you did absolutely nothing to help them!" The rodent cried. "My kin is dead, I don't blame you for that but you could have at least given a sacrifice."
"Well what did you want me to do? Throw myself in and die?"
Reepicheep didn't answer. He just walked down the line.
He passed old friends of his from childhood, grandparents, friends of the family, and every form of relation. He knew them all, especially the children.
Whenever he reached one of them he would close their eyes, kneel reverently and say:
"May you rest easy."
Eventually, Reepicheep reached his doorstep. He wanted so badly to open the door and discover that the place had not been touched, that his family was still alive. But he didn't knock on the door. He didn't need to.
"Tilden," he said, "I've never been so sorry."
His brother lay dead face down in the dirt, his back was unrecognizable. The fire had claimed his identity but Reepicheep knew without question who he was.
"The last we spoke," the mouse said kneeling, carefully turning his brother over so he could see his face.
"I questioned your parenting, saying that you were mentally inadequate to face the truth- that you were absent from Solomon's life. I have come to the consensus that you were not meant for him. You did not father him, you fathered me and thus were meant for me. You steered me towards your son and I was too blinded by the title of 'uncle' or 'brother' to see that. I do not regret my words but I do regret my deliverance of them."
He paused and controlled himself, he was beginning to tear up. After a moment of silence, he looked up at the sky and descended to anguish, pleading, and bargaining.
"I am confused, enchafed, and ashamed. Please have the mercy to reveal me peace. I beg of you, reveal me peace! I cannot live without it, my heart yearns for comfort. I cannot sleep knowing that he died because of my misunderstanding. I should have been there and wasn't. I should have died with them. Please, reveal me peace, for if I find none, then I will assuredly die!"
Reepicheep sighed, closed his brother's eyes and kissed his forehead and gave the last rites:
"The darkness and disillusions of this world pass away, the light and inspiration of the next shall overtake you. May you never fall from there, and if you do, let me lift you up."
Reepicheep stood up and saluted his blade. "Fly on justice. Fly on."
Nikabrik walked up behind him when the moment had passed.
"They're heading north, if you hurry, you'll be able to catch them."
"I cannot seek vendetta," Reepicheep said, "it is against my conscious. Besides, I haven't found everyone yet."
"Who are you missing?" The dwarf asked.
"Solomon- if illness befall him, I doubt I'll survive the grief."
"Don't talk like that." Nikabrik said, "Keep the faith that he's alive for now until it's certain."
Reepicheep nodded, "Quite right, let's begin looking."
They searched the river bank. Up and down and up again. When the sun began to hit midday Nikabrik began to give up.
"Reepicheep, let's face facts, he's gone."
"I refuse to believe that Nikabrik, there's got to be somewhere we haven't looked."
"Where is there left to look Reepicheep?!" The dwarf shouted, "We've searched the bank, we've searched the river, we've searched the houses, the bank on the other side and the bloody trees. Where are we supposed to look?"
Reepicheep shook his head, "I- I don't know. But I'm not giving up on him until I find him."
"You're wasting your time."
"I'm finding my nephew who is my son. Either you help me or you don't and if you don't then be gone and then let me grieve and then let me die."
Nikabrik nodded, "So be it."
The dwarf left the rodent to himself. Reepicheep listened to Nikabrik's footsteps, they were quick and uneasy. The mouse turned back. Rage, feral animalism, and devious desire took the rodent over as he quickly followed. Nikabrik ran as fast as he could, knowing that at any moment, Reepicheep would catch up to him. He jumped over fallen trees and stormed through undergrowth behaving like a race horse. He would never run this fast again in his life.
When the dwarf got a considerable distance away he stopped to rest by a large oak tree that had a large root that curved up into an arch and down back into the ground. The dwarf rested in the shade of the arch's shadow.
"Let's...see..him try...that."
"Alright."
Nikabrik looked up and saw the mouse atop of the root looking very peeved.
"I have half a mind to let you die Nikabrik." Reepicheep said as calmly as he could.
"Now, now Reepicheep, let's not jump to conclusions here." The dwarf said scrambling to his feet.
"I believe the conclusion dear fellow is that you suffer from murderous psychopathy and are by definition an accomplice of genocide. Now," the mouse said wielding his blade, "I will give you time to explain yourself for I am not heartless but I'm afraid your time is very limited. Go!"
"Well you see, I was being blackmailed by the-"
"I don't very much care." Reepicheep said, "Get to the confession part please."
"Alright I did it, I killed your family."
"Thank you." Reepicheep said and threw his blade at the dwarf. It stuck him in the neck, the dwarf fell on his knees.
The mouse jumped down and landed perfectly on Nikabrik's shoulder. "Now I'm not going to kill you, for I will not stoop to your levels, but answer me this: where is Solomon?"
"I don't know. They didn't tell me much."
"I assume you mean-"
"Miraz, yes, he blackmailed me sir, said if I didn't do it then he would kill everyone."
"Why take such a risk?" Reepicheep asked.
"Your father is very important to him Reepicheep, he needs him now more than ever." Nikabrik said.
"My father no longer follows him."
Nikabrik laughed, "Been listening to Trufflehunter again?"
"He's your friend too, or at least he used to be." Reepicheep said.
"What do you mean, used to be?" The dwarf asked, a bit confused.
"Don't think I won't keep this from him."
"I don't expect you to, but just because your family is dead doesn't determine my friendship status with him."
"Actually," a voice said, "I think it does."
Trufflehunter emerged from the trees, carrying a bow and quiver on his back and a satchel on his side.
"You've been a very busy dwarf haven't you?" The badger said, smirking as readied a bow. "I believe an execution is in order."
He pulled on the drawstring.
"No Truff," Reepicheep said, "murder is never an absolute."
"But you just said that he committed genocide!"
"Yes," the mouse replied as he removed his sword, "but he wasn't alone in the deed." He jumped off the dwarf's shoulder.
Nikabrik winced and grabbed his wound.
"I'm sorry," the dwarf said, "I know those words aren't right but that's all I can say."
"That's all anyone can and will say when death arises." Reepicheep said turning back towards him, "I'm sorry."
The mouse advanced towards him, not bothering to get close and personal. "Don't take my sparing your life an act of forgiveness Nikabrik. I will never forgive you. If you come near my door I will turn you away, if you so much as go near that river I will personally hunt you down and skin you alive. If you so much as breathe the same air as me, I will, without question, remorse, or rites, end your life. As of this moment, I disown you of my sword. May the wolves feast upon you. Or better yet, let the crows do it."
"Why the crows?" The dwarf asked.
"Crows devour everything, and they don't do it quickly either."
Reepicheep left but before he disappeared, Nikabrik said:
"I buried those I could. I know it may be damned of me to say but I loved your family. Every single one of them."
"There was a time when love meant having great veneration." Reepicheep said.
A stern look in his eye developed as his shoulder was beginning to freeze over. He turned towards the sunlight, sighed a moment and resumed speaking.
"There was a sense of pride, poise, honor about it- when it meant something beautiful. Now love is tantamount for annihilation. I suppose whenever we cry we'll have you to thank- for breaking our hearts and stealing our capability and comprehension of love. Tell me are there any other words of value you would like to change? Chivalry, Honor, Bravery, or Reverence perhaps? Those are choice words, adept words, words that can mean anything now that love is dead. Are we to live in world where everything is antithesis? Love is murder, murder is benevolent, benevolent is cruel, cruel is worthy, worthiness is dead along with chivalry which is cowardice and cowardice is admired. What kind of world is that Nikabrik? Narcissistic anarchists are the harbingers of war. They always carry a lit match."
"You're breaking my heart Reepicheep." Nikabrik said, crying over his actions.
"Don't you dare grieve for it be not your place!" The mouse cried in rage. "You didn't lose everything this morning!"
"I lost my soul Reep," the dwarf, said, "it died with the fire. You might as well just kill me. For everything you say is true. I'm a coward, a murderer, a worthless waste of time. I'm sorry for the trouble. I don't expect you to forgive me, I do expect you to kill me though."
Reepicheep shook his head. "I won't give you satisfaction."
"Then let me grieve and then let me die." Nikabrik said.
The mouse nodded, "As you wish."
Reepicheep and Trufflehunter were silent as they walked away, they wanted to hear Nikabrik's heart break.
The dwarf cried and sat in this state of pity for three hours.
When Reepicheep and Trufflehunter returned to the badger's burrow that day, Nikabrik passed away. The last words he said were:
"Tell him I'm sorry."