Welcome to my first crackfic. Well, I have a lot more, but I decided to post this newer one for starters. Thank you for reading and reviewing!
Everyone at Headquarters could almost feel the Colonel's anger through the closed door of his office. Vato, Kain and Riza were gathered together, watching the door uselessly from the safest distance possible, which took them almost fifty feet away from the workplace.
"Man, I hope Ed doesn't keep complaining about the cubicle," Vato complained, though with reason. "That would really make Roy snap."
"Literally, or metaphorically?" Riza asked in confusion.
"Probably both." Kain offered.
Suddenly, the sound to end them all boomed in the room, and it was the word "ow!" The three officers winced, and looked over to Ed's cubicle accusingly. He was holding onto his toe.
"I stubbed it on the cubicle!" Ed yelled. "This damn cubicle stubbed my toe!" The office doors swung open, revealing a bright red room that looked like hell, and the devil stood at the gates.
"What happened?" Roy growled, in a demonic voice.
The three soldiers trembled in fear, however Ed bravely stuck his toe in the air, rocking back in forth lazily in his office chair. "Stubbed it on the cube. What do you know?"
That was it. The explosion. The magma bursting from the earth; metaphorically speaking, of course. The brickwork cracking.
Roy Mustang had snapped- but not literally, mentally.
The camera zooms in on his face, and you can imagine how enraged it was.
Roy slipped on his coat and was out on the streets in moments. He was tearing down the street, disregarding the cars that were only smashed into bits upon making contact with him. He was invincible, INVINCIBLE. And when you're invincible, man, you gotta know it, or you don't get to throw it around like you own the town, and all the dumb things you used to do are gone and new memories will be made.
WILL BE MADE.
ENVY MUST DIE.
Roy removed his glove, and snapped his hand once. Only seconds passed before clunking noises faded in, sounding on the pavement to a nice rhythm. They were the sounds of a horse's hooves.
Soon, Roy was able to turn and see, galloping down the street, crushing every car in it's path, a majestic black horse, mane flaring behind it like a sail.
The horse cruised over and stood before him, whinnying and panting and quite obviously wanting a carrot. Roy pets its neck in a slow motion. "Hello, Shadofax..." Roy greeted. "We have an important mission."
The horse snorted.
Roy and his trusty steed rode off into the depths of Central City, one task in mind.
ENVY MUST DIE.
Meanwhile, said "must die" was in the midst of a thrilling car chase. Envy, in his black sports car, was attempting to catch Alphonse, who was in front of him driving a carriage pulled by tigers. They were not in Central. They were in Western Ishval, and in their chase they had just escaped the clutches of a rainforest, and were now rolling free, just a mile from the beautiful coastline. Not that either of them were getting the chance to enjoy it.
Especially not Envy, who was finding that chasing a rather unfeeling Elric was incredibly monotonous.
"This is getting old, Alphonse." Envy yelled in a mature tone of voice.
"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE!" Replied Alphonse from his carriage, whipping the tigers again.
"Al, if you care about those animals, which you don't because you're abusing them, you will stop running. Look at them, their sweaty, sick, and tired. And so am I, it's too damn hot in Ishval! I've been on fire before, and it wasn't this bad! And for God's sake, it's been 24 hours, you've killed four sets of tigers, which are already endangered, and you keep screaming the same thing about me never getting you alive."
The carriage abruptly stopped. Envy slammed on the breaks just in time, before his car could cause more casualties. Alphonse clunked out of the carriage and untied the tigers, which attempted to leap at Alphonse and kill him. Eventually, the animals realized he was indestructible and fled.
Alphonse clunked and clunked over to Envy's car. Envy climbed out of the driver's side.
"Thank you." Envy sighed in absolute relief.
"Yeah, sorry about that. It's difficult knowing what to do without Brother here to knock any sense into me."
"I thought you were the sane one?"
"No. I'm actually a self-diagnosed sociopath." Al explained. After a pause, he chuckled. "You're the first one to know that! But Brother has probably guessed by now..."
"You're a sociopath?" Envy rasped, before sliding an arm down over sweaty forehead. "Then what am I doing here?" He groaned, "Father literally said to chase down the normal one."
"I don't know why they think I'm normal. I'm a suit of armor who is alive only because of a fantastical science that is actually more like magic, I secretly like to abuse cute cuddly things like animals, I've been writing a 200 page novel about what Winry's apple pie must be like, dads fry eggs on my arm in the sun..."
"Okay, okay. But nobody's exactly normal, are they? Look at me, for goodness' sake." The homunculus laughed, gesturing to his own bizarre appearance.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. We all have quirks that we like to hide, but I don't think people should conceal who they are as much as they do! Nor worry, for that matter, about what others will think of them. I think we should all be open and unafraid, as well as accepting and kind to all, without bias. After all, even sociopaths need love!"
Envy was inspired. Suddenly, he felt like he wanted to confess something. And get it off his chest. "I actually... Have an addiction to coconut water," he confessed, running a hand through his palm tree hair.
Alphonse shrugged. "That's okay. It's only natural."
"Thanks, Alphonse. What about you? Do you have any quirk?"
"Well, I have enough quirks that are already visible. If I weren't honest about my inner self, I would become, essentially, my armor and nothing else. So, everything you hear me say is unfiltered. Still, most people don't even want to look past the armor."
Envy nodded. "It must suck."
"Yup. Still, I sink in water, so if I want, I could put Ed in my armor and jump in the ocean! Double suicide!"
"...Unless you stuck a waterproof layer over your blood seal."
"Hm. This is a brilliant idea."
Silhouettes over the gleaming sun, they shook hands and a truce was formed. Suddenly, the sky turned a blood red. The ground shook, and clouds of dust consumed them. The earth began tearing apart in a spiral of flames into the sky, carrying the two of them up into a flame tornado. While Envy burned painfully, Alphonse was coherent and unharmed. "The only one with flames this powerful is Roy!" Alphonse yelled.
"FALSE." A voice said, making the air tremble with the rest of the world. "He is the Devil. The devil is I. And the flames are mine."
Rising before them in a dark cloud was Roy Mustang atop Shadofax, black cape billowing behind them. He had red horns grown from his head, and his eyes glowed with the flames of hell.
"ENVY MUST DIE."
"No!" Alphonse screamed, a blink from petrified, "you are mad! Don't let the flames consume you! Don't let them consume you!"
"BURRITOS."
"Aw, crap, the burritos' already got him," Al groaned.
Envy began to perish quickly, to Alphonse's fears. He clasped the remaining Philosopher's Stone of Envy's heart in his metal hand, protecting it more or less from the flames. But if he really wanted to save Envy, he had to escape from Roy's clutches before his metal became too hot.
Alphonse clapped his hands together, the philosopher's stone between his palms instantly amplifying his ability. He transmuted himself into a solid steel box. Since there was no flames or air left inside his armor and all that steel was compacted, he was flung out of the tornado.
He could only hope, then, that he didn't land in the ocean. That would seriously screw him over.
Back at base, not a soul was aware of the terrors that had awoken whilst the Colonel embarked on his rampage, and the rest of the team were slacking off.
"I said a hip, a hop, a hippie to the hippitie hip hip, a hop and you don't stop a-rock-it to the bang, bang, boogie, the up-jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat," Edward said to Riza, "and then I turned off the song!"
"Where did you buy this record?" Riza asked through a laugh.
"Down on Rose Avenue. I swear, you can find anything there, even classic rap music that'll be released in another universe in 1979!"
Suddenly, a metal box came barreling through the window.
The soldiers' first thoughts were that it was a bomb. Everyone climbed behind and underneath their desks in fear, expecting to be blown to bits. When, after a minute, there was no explosion, they got up and approached it cautiously.
"What is that thing?" Breda asked.
They were surprised by the crackle of alchemy dancing around the edges of the cube. Before their eyes, the box morphed into Alphonse, perfectly intact after his wild ride.
"Thank gosh I put my blood seal on the inside of the box, and my thoughts on the outside!" Al breathed. Suddenly, he gasped, opening his hands to make sure Envy's stone was there. Indeed, the homunculus' life force was intact as well.
Upon noticing his brother, however, Alphonse hid it behind his back. "Al, I thought you were going to the library, not Mars!" Edward scolded, pointing to the window.
"Actually, I was..." The armor's words took a less practiced turn. He lied instead. "Yeah, sorry, I went to Mars," the younger brother explained rather maliciously, "Doing, you know... Martian things."
"Okay, but I get worried about you, you know!"
"Riiight. Well, I'll be in the Homunculi's Lair. Be careful- there were tornado warnings in the news."
"Okay, see you later Al." Edward said nonchalantly, wandering back to his desk.
Alphonse snuck away to the Homunculus Base, where Envy promptly rebuilt himself. "You are a wonderful sidekick!" Envy cheered.
"Together, we shall eat Central," Alphonse said.
"And then the world!" They whooped in unison.
Meanwhile, Central Headquarters was under attack by a gigantic fire tornado.
Things were looking pretty bad until Roy Mustang announced he had a stomachache, and gave up because he needed to throw up in the toilets.
"Ugh," Roy had groaned, "I shouldn't have drank that whole bottle of Tabasco."
Things were looking okay after that, Edward decided, walking home in the middle of the afternoon. The sun was shiny, the grass was green, and nobody had permanently turned into a villain!
While stepping up to his apartment door, Edward swung his arms, taking in a deep breath of the summer air before opening the unlocked door and walking inside.
"Al, I'm back," he called, scanning the room for his favorite little brother out of one.
The room was silent.
"Are you home?"
The air seemed to become colder, sending a chill up Ed's spine. He furrowed his eyebrows, ignoring the odd feeling in his gut.
"I guess he's still out," he mumbled, traipsing over to the couch and piling his coat onto it, pulling off his shoes and whistling a tune.
An alarm ringed in his head, and he froze.
Alphonse wasn't at the apartment, but the door was unlocked.
Ed swallowed, and looked up and around the room again, slower this time. "Alphonse?"
Again, there was no response. So, he cautiously locked the door, and sat down at his couch alone, picking up his alchemical journal from the coffee table.
"At least nobody has permanently turned into a villain," he mumbled.
Or had they?
THE END