King Matthew and the Quest for the Holy Waffle Iron
Our quest starts out with King Matthew riding his invisible pogo-stick, and his trusty, faithful, yet stupid follower, slave person thing, Tito. Tito is very important none the less. All of a sudden King Matthew came to a sudden halt.
King Matthew: Tito! My waffle senses are picking up!
Tito: No, sir, that's just nature calling.
King Matthew does his "I have to go to the bathroom and there's nothing I can do about it" dance, when the "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now" song comes on. He looks around, stops, regains his dignity and carries on.
King Matthew: Oh, well, yes, nature calls often doesn't it?
Tito: Yes, (muttering to him self) sometimes too often.
King Matthew: Then let us ride!
Tito: Yes, let us ride
Tito begins to run ahead to a castle in the distance.
King Matthew: TITO! What on God's green earth are you doing?!
Tito: Sorry, I just wanted to see what was up ahead.
King Matthew: Are you daft man? It's a waffle shaped castle….WAFFLES!
Tito: (muttering to himself) Oh God! Not waffles again (speaking) come on! We have to see if the lord of that castle wants to join the square waffle table!
King Matthew: Conflabbit! Alright, I guess we should go ask that man if he wants to join the square waffle table
Tito: I JUST SAID THAT!
King Matthew: Alright! Alright! Don't get your metal undies in a bunch (faces audience) that would hurt *grimaces* (to Tito, who rolls his eyes.) Ahem, carry on!
Tito started to play his kazoo again as King Matthew "hopped" along, when they reached the castle, King Matthew called up to the highest tower
King Matthew: Hello?!
There was no answer for a second so King Matthew tried again
King Matthew: Hello?!?!
Finally someone came to the side.
The man who finally came to the side: 'Ello? Who is it?
King Matthew: It is King Matthew of Iron Waffle, son of the Waffle Eater; I have come to see if you would like to join my liege at Hardees.
The man who finally came to the side: Now, why would I want to do that? I don't have time and besides I don't like you!
King Matthew: Well fine then! Be that way! I don't like you either you wiper of other peoples waffles! (Turns to Tito) Let's go I don't like this man, he makes me sad.
Soon after, many brave knights joined the liege, Sir Jellihad the Sticky, Brave Sir Waffle, and Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot. As they were hopping around on their pogo-sticks, God came to them in a mass of clouds.
God: Matthew!
King Matthew: What is it o lord?
God: Matthew!
King Matthew: what do you want?!
God: Matthew, I have an idea
King Matthew: And that is?
God: Let me get to it!
King Matthew: Oh, um, well alright
God: Matthew this is the Holy Waffle Iron, (shows picture, angelic music plays, and is abruptly stopped.) and I want you to go on a quest to find it!
Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot: that is a good idea!
God: Of course it is!
King Matthew: Of course, lord we will go on this quest for you, and we will find the holy waffle iron! WAFFLES!
His Liege: SHUT UP!
King Matthew and his liege started their trip to Hardees, when they got there, they all exclaimed,
Everyone: HARDEES!
Tito: It's only a perfectly scaled diagram of Hardees
Everyone: SHHH!
The knights of Hardees break into a song, and when they are singing it, you can see the Hanging Waffle Flipper for Hardees Guy chained to a wall banging two spatulas together. When they get done, King Matthew exclaims,
King Matthew: On second thought, let's not go to Hardees 'tis a silly place.
Soon after, the liege broke up, each one going alone.
The tale of Brave Sir Waffle:
Brave Sir Waffle started his quest for the Holy Waffle Iron with his merry minstrels at his side.
We come to find our favorite knight "hopping" along with his minstrels who are singing joyfully, Sir Waffle, who is very red in the face, is apparently getting mad at them. As they hopped on, they ran into a giant three headed badger man thing
The three headed badger man thing: Halt, who goes there?
Sir Waffle: It is I, brave sir waffle a knight of the square waffle table.
The three headed badger man thing: You're a knight of the square waffle table?
Sir Waffle: Well, yes
The three headed badger man thing: Then, I shall have to kill you.
Sir Waffle: No, no I don't think you will.
Sir Waffle ran away with his minstrels laughing behind their hands at him because he ran away in terror.
The story of Sir Jellihad the Sticky:
We join our other favorite knight, Sir Jellihad as he bounces down the path. He then approached a large castle door and yelled,
Sir Jellihad the Sticky: HELLO??!! Is anybody there? HELLO?!!?? In the name of King Matthew, open the door!!!
Suddenly the door creaked open to show a dimly lit room with a woman sitting in a chair in the corner stitching.
Lady Muffin of Breakfast Land: (really ditzy like) HI!!!! Who are you??? (Giggles in a high pitch tone) I'm not used to have strong brave Knights here! (Giggles again)
Sir Jellihad: (appalled by this woman's behavior) Um………my name is Sir Jellihad the Sticky. I have come to seek refuge at this castle.
Lady Muffin of Breakfast Land: (ditzy like again) Oh really??? Well, I'm sure I can help you there!!!
A man who, by the way looks exactly like King Matthew, swooped in and grabbed a hold of the woman
Lady Muffin of Breakfast Land: (ditzy) OH NO! He's got me, he's got me! Help me help me!
Sir Jellihad: Um, no, I think I'm gonna go now, bye!
Andrew of Dark Waffle: GA!
Sir Jellihad: Um, ok
Sir Jellihad ran out into the dark and rainy night as Lady Muffin of Breakfast Land continued to try and fight Andrew of Dark Waffle.
Scene 2:
We come to find our most important character King Matthew and Tito talking to an elderly man in a tent. Let's look closer.
King Matthew: And you say this man, he knows of the Holy Waffle Iron?
Man: (laughing)
King Matthew: Old man, I'm asking do you know…
Man: He knows of a cave, a cave so scary it will scare you. Find him
The man runs laughing off stage
King Matthew: What a strange man
They hopped along farther into the murky woods. King Matthew is beginning to get frightened as he sees dark shapes materialize before him, all of a sudden a tall knight stood in front of him.
Knights who say Niwom: NIWOM! (Scattered Niwom's through out the knights)
King Matthew: Tito, the hearers of this word seldom live to tell about it.
Knights who say Niwom: The knights who say Niwom demand a sacrifice.
King Matthew: And that is?
Knights who say Niwom: We demand a Waffle!
King Matthew: WAFFLES!!!!
Knights who say Niwom: NIWOM!
King Matthew: Ahh!
Knights who say Niwom: We shall say Niwom to you again if you do not appease us!
King Matthew: Good knights, you are fair and just, we shall bring you back a waffle WAFFLES!
Tito: SHUT UP!!!!
Knights who say Niwom: One that looks nice, not too expensive.
King Matthew: Alright
They hopped off obeying the knights who say Niwom.
The Story of Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot:
Our story of Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot begins in a tall tower of a castle in the middle of a swamp.
That Man: Some day son, you will own all of this
Prince Kenny: What the monkey-chickens?
That Man: No, all the land you see
Prince Kenny: But I don't want that!
That Man: Then what do you want?
Prince Kenny: I want to dance!
Music begins to play
That Man: NO, NO, NO! Stop that! There shall be no dancing while I'm here! Now stay here and don't leave this room until I comeback to get you. GUARDS!
Two guards come in with flowers tied to their helmets and spears.
Guards: Yes sir?
That Man: I want you to stay here and watch him and make sure he doesn't leave, and also make sure he doesn't dance!
Guards: Alright
That Man leaves the room and the guards stand there watching Prince Kenny. Prince Kenny looks at the table to the wall to the guards, grabs some parchment, grabs a quill, and starts to write really fast looking up at the guards occasionally, he then picks up the ribbon ties the note to a suction cup dart takes a bow and shoots the dart out the window. The guards just nodded and smiled at him.
We come to find Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot and his servant Poopsie. A man comes running in and sticks the dart to Poopsie's forehead.
Poopsie: Message for you sir.
Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot reads the note
Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot: Sweet fair Poopsie, you shall not have died in vain.
Poopsie: I'm not dead yet!
Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot: You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain.
Poopsie: I'm getting better! I think I'll come with you.
Sir-Craps-His-Pants-A lot: No, sweet Poopsie stay here
He walked or shall I say, bounced off on his invisible pogo stick
Poopsie: I guess I'll stay here then!
We come back to King Matthew and Tito bouncing down the path, they come to an old woman beating a rug
King Matthew: Old woman, we need to find a waffle
Old Woman: Who sent you? And my name is Old Lady Sally Poe the 2nd! Not Old Woman.
King Matthew: Oh, well alright sorry, but we were sent by the knights who say NIWOM!
Old Lady Sally Poe the 2nd: Ah!
King Matthew: We shall say Niwom to you if you don't tell us where to find a waffle!
Old Sally Poe the 2nd: Never!
King Matthew: NIWOM!
Tito: NI!
King Matthew: No! No! No! NIWOM
Tito: NI!
King Matthew: NO!!! N-I-W-O-M!!
Tito: NIWOM!
King Matthew: Yeah!
King Matthew and Tito: NIWOM! NIWOM! NIWOM!
Old Lady Sally Poe the 2nd: Eek! Don't ahh!! Stop!! Please don't!! I want to live!!!!!
Nathaniel the Waffle Seller rides by.
Nathaniel: Are you saying Niwom to that old lady?
King Matthew: Yes
Nathaniel: Ah, it's sad dark time like these when passing ruffians can pass by and say Niwom to old women, my name is Nathaniel the Waffle Seller, I design, and sell Waffles.
Tito: NIWOM!
King Matthew: NO Tito stop!
Tito: (looks down) sorry.
Nathaniel takes them to his waffle house to get a waffle for the knights, who say Niwom.
Scene 3:
We come back to find Sir Craps His Pants A lot running to the castle of That Man and Prince Kenny. Two guards are watching him run to the castle waving his stick, and his arms in the air. He runs up to the guard and smacks him on the head with the stick.
Guard: Hey!
He runs through the wedding guests pummeling some and beating others with the stick. He runs up the stairs to Prince Kenny's room and the two guards are in the door way.
Guards: You can't come in here!
He hits them with the stick and runs into the room.
Prince Kenny: You've come to rescue me!!!
He runs over to him and hugs him. Sir Craps His Pants A lot pushes him away with a disgusted look on his face. That man runs in.
That Man: What are you doing? You beat the guests and you kicked the bride, this is going to cost me!
Prince Kenny is in the background tying a rope to the bed he crawls down the rope out of the window.
Prince Kenny: I'm ready sir!
Sir Craps-His-Pants-a lot keeps talk to That Man.
That Man: Would you like to join me for tea?
Sir Craps-His-Pants-A lot: Sure, why not?
That Man walks over and cuts the rope Prince Kenny is on.
Prince Kenny: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
That Man and Sir Craps His Pants A lot go down the stairs to the first floor.
Guests: Murderer!!
Sir Craps His Pants A lot: I didn't harm anyone!
Guests: You killed the father of the bride!
Sir Craps His Pants A lot: Oh!
He runs out of the castle and down the road to where he finds Sir Jellihad standing along side the road with a sign that said "Hardees or bust". They ran on together finding the rest of their liege at the end of the forest, and there was much rejoicing.
Everyone: YAY!!
They trudged on, spring became summer, and summer became fall, fall went to winter. Where they were forced to eat Sir Waffle's minstrels and there was much rejoicing.
Everyone: YAY!!
Finally they came to the lair of Jim the Enchanter, and there was much rejoicing.
Everybody: YAY!!!
King Matthew: OK, that's enough rejoicing.
Everyone: (grumble)
Jim is standing on a hill "blowing" things up.
King Matthew: Hello good sir, what is your name?
Jim: I am Jim the Enchanter. (Blows rock up)
King Matthew: (with this really weird look on his face) Um, alright, well, Jim……
His words are cut short by Jim blowing up more things and running over to King Matthew.
Jim: What do you want?
King Matthew: We want an, an, an, an, an, an, an, an,
Jim: A what?!
King Matthew: An, an, an, an, Iron!
Jim: A WAFFLE IRON?!
King Matthew: Well, yes
Jim: I know of a cave.
King Matthew: A cave so scary it will scare you?
Jim: Yes, BUT! Be careful only brave men of valor can come to this cave.
King Matthew: Um, well, alright.
They follow Jim to the cave. They sit there for a few minutes until Jim whispers,
Jim: There it is!
A badger runs out
King Matthew: Behind the badger?
Jim: No, it is the badger
King Matthew and his liege start to laugh.
King Matthew: You have got to be kidding! A badger Ha, Ha!
Jim: LOOK! Look at the bones! It's killed more then 100 men!
King Matthew: Sir What's-your-face. Go out there and kill that nasty vermin.
Sir What's-His-Face runs out there, and the badger screams.
Badger: NU!!!!
The badger leaps up into the air and gnaws his head off. Everyone gasps.
Jim: SEE?!
King Matthew and his troops advance on the badger it screams its cry of NU! Then it bites off anyone's head that comes near it, King Matthew and his liege turn back screaming.
King Matthew and his liege: RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!
King Matthew: I think we need the Holy Waffle Grenade with the little man on top bleeding jelly that Brother Mayonnaise carries with him, oh Brother Mayonnaise!
Brother Mayonnaise comes over carrying the Holy Waffle Grenade with the little man on top bleeding jelly.
Brother Mayonnaise: Yes my good king?
King Matthew: We need the grenade.
Brother Mayonnaise: Alright, but first the verses 9-22 of the sacred book. And Saint Attila raised the grenade on high saying, "Oh, lord, bless this, thy waffle grenade that it may blow Thine enemies to little bits, and the people feasted upon popsicles, toilet paper, breakfast cereals, and liver and onions. And you shall count to two hundred, being the number of the counting two hundred, no more, no less, then lobbyist thy grenade at thy foe and it will blow into little tiny pieces."
King Matthew: Alright, (takes it from Brother Maynard) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,34,35,36,37,38,39,40!
By the time he reached two hundred, his liege and Brother Mayonnaise had fallen into a deep state of unconsciousness. Suddenly he says,
King Matthew: 500!
Brave Sir Waffle: You idiot! Its two hundred not five hundred!!! Just throw the grenade already!!!!
King Matthew: Two hundred!!
Scene 4:
He throws it at the badger (finally) that soon blows up into little bits. They then climb into the cave and start down a path. They come to a wall and there is writing carved into it. Brother Mayonnaise reads it.
Brother Mayonnaise: You shall find the Holy Waffle Iron in the castle of GURGLE!
King Matthew: GURGLE? Why GURGLE?
Brother Mayonnaise: He must have gurgled while carving it!
King Matthew: If he gurgled, why would he bother to carve GURGLE?
Brother Mayonnaise: I don't know!!!
Tito: AHHHH!
King Matthew: No GURGLE! Spit to the back of the throat!
Tito: No, AHHH as in shock and surprise!
They turn to find the Big Pink Fluffy Bunny Man/Thing staring at them. It eats Brother Mayonnaise and soon gangs up on the liege. They run through the cave trying to get away from it. Until the Big Pink Fluffy Bunny Man/Thing suffered a fatal blow to the head with an axe and died.
The Person inside the Big Pink Fluffy Bunny Man/Thing: *GURGLE*
The Big Pink Fluffy Bunny Man/Thing was no more, the quest could continue. They came to the bridge of death with the same scary man as was seen in scene 2.
King Matthew: You have to answer 5
Sir Waffle: 3
King Matthew: 3 questions to get across the bridge, Craps-his-pants-a lot, you go, answer the questions and we will watch……and pray.
Craps-His-Pants-a lot goes up to the man.
Man: Who ever approachth the bridge of death must answer me these questions three. #1 what is your name?
Craps-his-pants-a lot: Sir Craps-His-Pants-a lot
Man: #2 what is your quest?
Craps-his-pants-a lot: I seek the holy waffle iron
Man: #3 what is your favorite colour?
Craps-his-pants-a lot: Puke green
Man: Alright your liege can pass
They crossed the bridge.
King Matthew: Stupid name really, bridge of death! HA!
He watches as a man from his liege falls over the edge screaming and hit's the big pointy sharp thingies at the bottom of the giant pit thing under the bridge. He ignores it, hard as it is, and walks off.
They walked on, coming to the castle of GURGLE! When they got there, there was much rejoicing.
Everyone: YAY!!!!! We've made it!!!!
King Matthew runs into the castle, gets the waffle iron and runs back out yelling.
King Matthew: All hail the mighty King of the Waffles!! *screams like a little girl* Ieeeeeeeeeeeeh!
All of a sudden Andrew of Dark Waffle runs in, grabs the waffle iron out of his hand and laughs evilly. King Matthew whimpers and falls to the ground in a tight ball and whimpers louder and rolls around the stage.
His liege: There's, there's two of them!! Which one's which? *OW!* our brains hurt!
King Matthew stands up and regains his dignity and hopefully the right to his throne, and his good name.
King Matthew: I'm King Matthew! *he shoves Andrew*
Andrew: No! I'm King Matthew! *he shoves Matthew back*
King Matthew: No, your not! I am! *he tackles Andrew, who shoves him off, stands up, brushes him self off and says*
Andrew: Whatever! GA!
King Matthew: Is that supposed to frighten me?
His liege: That's the evil one! King Matthew never said GA before!
Another Man: We don't know that now, do we?
They spear the man in utter and complete confusion, They then charge after Andrew who runs off the stage in utter terror, they also trample the waffle iron on the way out. King Matthew looks at the waffle iron with a sad look on his face, bends down, picks it up, pets it, whimpers, and runs off stage. A monkey-chicken flies across the stage followed by That Man who is chasing it.
Authors note (disclaimer): as many know, this story was derived from the equally as stupid "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" I do not have any claims on "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" or the people who worked on "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (According to A.J. Becker, he does, and he's the one who "brought Monty Python to Mt. Pleasant" yeah, hi A.J. how are you? *grins evilly* So if you plan to sue me, you will not win *the evil grin grows bigger*) this is just for pure fun, and comes from one of my friends crazy search for waffles. My other friend and I came up with this story in 2nd period study hall, because we were bored and had nothing else to do. This is just a twisted story from the minds of two equally twisted individuals (and one twisted individual's search for waffles…sorry Matt! I had to put that!). Hope you've enjoyed it!