A.N: This was a really hard piece for me to write, but was also something that I had to do as a form of emotional catharsis.

Apologies to all Takeru fans - I love the boy dearly, but I'm also very intrigued by the bursts of anger he was prone to during the series. Ultimately, this was just me trying to make sense of something that happened to me last year.

Do leave a comment if you've enjoyed this!

Trigger warning: emotional abuse

and the saints we see are all made of gold
by Tangerine Tales

Hikari doesn't realise what's happening at first (or does she just not want to?). It's subtle, after all, and this is her first relationship - everything is new and wonderfully foreign, and she has nothing else to compare it to. She tells herself, Every relationship has its troubles, and it's naiive to think that everything will be smooth-sailing.

She knows it can't be, nor shouldn't be, anyway. She sees her parents get into arguments all the time (although they never extend past a few sentences), and she also knows Yamato and Sora (whose relationship she aspires towards) often have squabbles as well. Every article she's read and every movie she's seen tells her that this is true: love is amazing but also difficult. Every couple faces their own set of problems, but what is most important, is that they don't give up. Love is hard work. Don't be a baby about this, she says.

So she says nothing, and smiles and laughs, and goes through the motions when onii-san teases her about her and Takeru - because she's happy, she really is, she's the happiest she's ever been in her life. She's known, ever since they met as kids, that they fit together. When she's with him, there's something less frightening about the world – he's a quiet corner she's always taken refuge in.

He understands the sadness within her. He hugs her tight and whispers comfort when the darkness gets too over-whelming at times, when the Dark Ocean curls itself around her heart. He's there to light her way home.

No one else will know you as well as he does, she repeats – a mantra, when he falls sullen, when he gets spiteful about her spending (too much?) time at photography club, when he hurls words he's horrified by when he's calmed down. She wields these words as a shield, as if they are able to protect her. He doesn't know what he's saying. He doesn't realise.

Hikari knows he's hurting – Takeru's been carrying around hurt and anger for a long time. She sees how tight he holds Patamon, as if he's afraid Patamon would dissolve into data again. She sees the glimpses of feral longing in his eyes when he comes over for dinner, the Yagami household a stark contrast to his own home.

So she accepts his apologies – "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said. I was just angry – in that moment, I couldn't control it," he splutters, withdrawing into himself. "I'm sorry. Please."

So she pretends none of his words hurt, that none of it mattered. It's in the past, there's no point bringing it up – not when he's in front of her, face pale, shaking as he realises what he's been saying to her, what he's been yelling. She can be strong for him – like he's been for her, so many times - he doesn't have to know how his words reverb through her body, make her feel so hollow. He's sorry – that's the important thing.

So she tells herself it won't happen again, again and again – he's trying his best, he knows he shouldn't do so, he's working hard on it, it's only in these moments.

So she stays strong for him, as he stutters apologies in the after-math. She holds him close and tells him it's okay, it's okay – because after it all, he's still her Takeru. Because outside of these alien moments (he turns into something unrecognisable in these strange spaces of time), he never fails to brighten up her day. Because in lighter moments, he understands her so completely she doesn't know where she ends and where he begins.

So she smiles, and smiles, and smiles.

And tells herself, he'll be better next time.

Tells herself, love is hard. You need to work for it.

Tells herself, every couple goes through hard-ships like this. Don't be so overly dramatic about it.

Tells herself, it's probably your fault most of the time anyway.

So she smiles

(and ignores the emptiness growing in her chest).