Russian Roulette
When Syed first kissed me I already knew it. I was in danger. In very big danger. Of losing my mind, losing my heart. I knew it with just this one kiss. It was so different from anything I've ever experienced. I've kissed so many people over the past. Most of the time it didn't even mean anything. It was just me having some fun. Kissing was just part of it. But with him…. With him it was different. I knew that I was in danger of losing everything but I didn't even care.
When he rejected me after our first night, I should have grabbed the opportunity. The opportunity to run away as fast as I could. Because I knew that the danger was still there. This kiss was just the first click. The first time I pulled the trigger. But I couldn't leave it. Couldn't leave him. I am not sure why, to be honest. Was it the excitement? Was it the danger? Was it love? I don't know. But I couldn't let it go. I knew how stupid it was because I knew that this would end in tears. Oh how naïve I was back then.
As time went on, I had plenty of opportunities to let it go. Put it to bed. Just let it go. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave him. I knew that this was kind of suicide. I knew that this would never have a happy ending. But still I ran into all this without even blinking. I could feel my heart rushing into something that I didn't even have control over. It was like I had to pass this test. To put my heart on the line and to have it broken. I knew that there was no other way this could end. But still I was drawn to it. Like a moth to light. Ready to be burned. Ready to die. To be killed by him.
At the point when he finally admitted that he loved me, I was so deep into it that there was no way to return out. I felt so relieved when he said it. It was like pulling the trigger and expecting the bullet to hit your head. But instead of the cold metal gouge into your head, you just hear the click. There is no pain, no reaction. Just silence. Silence and relief. For one second I felt safe. For one second I forgot the danger I was in. I forgot our little game where I had placed my heart in. For one tiny second I thought that there might be a way how we both could win this game.
On his wedding day… I finally had to pay the price for my gambling. I should have known it. There was no way to win this game. I could feel my heart beating. So fast. So hard. I could feel it against my ribcage. Because I knew what would come later. The pain. The bullet right through my heart.
When everything began I knew that I was in danger. I knew that everything might end in tears. I knew that it was unlikely to have a happy ending. But I still was not prepared for what happened. I was not prepared for this kind of pain. Raw and hot but still ice cold and so delicate. I've had so many chances to quit this game. To leave him. But I just couldn't do it. I had to pass this test. Somehow. But when reality finally hit my heart, I was not prepared for it.
I know that I held the gun myself.
But he pulled the trigger…