Love Songs, Thoughts, Mumbling
„Bye Sweetie!"
„Bye Angela, see you on Monday."
Angela closed the door of Dr, Temperance Brennan's car.
They had just spend a whole day shopping in this new mall Angela had called the „hottest adress for the newest styles". Although this sounded like a line from an advertisement, and shopping was not one of her favorite weekend activities, she had still agreed to go. Angela had been very happy and when they had left the mall, her wallet had felt a lot lighter but her arms and legs felt heavy from shopping al day.
They had stopped for dinner at a nice restaurant and the conversation had been pleasing. Angelas celibacy, work, the cutie Angela met at an art gallery, work. Fine for her so far. But from work it was only a small step to Booth. One of Angelas favorite topics lately. One of Brennan's most hated, for quite a while.
„I can't understand what you two are doing!" Angela had said.
„We are working together, Angela." she had replied. The answer had come automatically, long years of practise paying out.
„You two are not just partners, sweetie. Common, you're a smart person."
„I am quite intelligent, yes, but what does that have to do with my working relationship with Booth?"
„Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."
„I'm not acting."
Angela made a resigning gesture with her hands. „Okay, here's the deal. I stop talking now and you just give it a thought. A deep and thorough thought. Just look at the guy. He's handsome, a real gentleman and he has been your partner for years. He's been your friend just as long. And I bet, that he would not mind being more than that. And this is not just an educated guess. Sweetie, if somewhere there is a part of you, that likes Booth in more than just the „atta girl kinda way", do something about it. Please, or I will steal Booth's weapon and shoot you."
Now that she was driving home, she was giving it a thought. Actually she didn't want to. She didn't need to.
There was no such thing as love. Just chemicals. The human species needing to reproduce. Perfect skeletal structure and build , perfect for procreating. And there was the line.
Where did that thought suddenly come from? Why would she care about the line? It was a rational limit of their relationship, to make it easier to differentiate. Between work – and what?
Just Chemicals, Brennan, she said to herself. „Just Chemicals", this time aloud.
These thought were very confusing. She brushed through her hair with one hand and opened the window of her car a little bit. She had to be more exhausted than she thought she was. To relax a little, she turned on some music.
Angelas CD was still on. Abba. Great.
Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey
Honey honey, nearly kill me, ah-hah, honey honey
I'd heard about you before
I wanted to know some more
And now I know what they mean, you're a love machine
Oh, you make me dizzy Abba - Honey Honey
Booth did actually sometimes make her dizzy. (Regularly!!!, a small voice in the back of her head admitted, but she refused to listen). And given his great shape, he could be a sex machine.
Stop, where did that come from? She mentally slapped the back of her head. She needed to get some rest, she was being irrational. The line, Brennan, she reminded herself. But why did she need to remind herself that there was a line. She had no intention and no reason to cross it.
She turned on the radio instead, just to be safe.
I've seen you cry
into the night
I feel your pain
can I make it right?
I realize
there's no end in sight
yet still I wait for you to see the light Lenny Kravitz – I'll be Waiting
They had been through a lot together. Her father's trial, his shooting, most recently his coma. And every day when they „catched bad guys". Now she was seriously worried. She was out of her mind.
This had to stop. Soon. She switched channels on the radio. This was going nowhere.
The metal channel. There could be nothing wrong with that.
So close no matter how far
Couldn`t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
Yes, they were truly trusting each other. She had to smile when she remembered the case with the conjoined twins. The look on his face when she made him throw a knife into her clown's nose. She had known he would never hurt her. That was all she needed to know at that time, nothing else mattered.
Great. Now she was getting lyrical. Why couldn't she stop thinking about Booth.
It had to be because they spent a great deal of time together every day. They almost saw each other every day. Or at least talked on the phone. Only rational to think of him. „Of course, you're right, and it's rational to dream of him and and to miss him when he's gone and so on. Right, sure.", that small voice in her brain shushed.
And now she was hearing voices. Next channel.
'Cause every time we touch
I get this feeling Every time we touch - Cascada
Next channel. She didn't even want to think about that one.
And especially not about every time we kiss because they didn't kiss all that often. Because of „the line". (But she did swear she could fly when they kissed under that mistletoe...)
She had reached the Hip-Hop Channel. Although she had never understood this aspect of pop culture, she was sure there would be nothing to worry about in lyrics about bitches and gangstas.
Your touch is so magic to me
The strangest things can happen
The way that you react to me
I wanna do something you can't imagine Love Sex Magic – Justin Timberlake ft. Ciara
She had obviously not remembered what important role „procreation" played in that culture. Great, she had to get those pictures out of her head, she had to drive. Her imagination was running wild. Not for the first time though. The song continued...
Oh, this is the part where we fall in love
Oh, lets slow it down so we fall in love
But dont stop what you're doing to me Love Sex Magic – Justin Timberlake ft. Ciara
What did love have to do with all that?
She remembered the talk he had given her about love making. She had been impressed by that. But also she didn't fully grasp the whole concept. Love...
She felt like she had had too many drinks. But she hadn't had any. Her mind wasn't working properly. She absolutely didn't like where this was going.
She tried the next channel.
Looking at you, I'm feeling alive all over again
Holding my breath,
For once in my life
I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,
Letting you inside.
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time First Time - Lifehouse
She didn't know a lot about love. Of course she had seen the movies Angela had dragged her into. She listened to numerous love songs.
But she had no first hand information. She had liked people. She had been attracted to people. But she didn't know what criteria there was. She needed some kind of checklist or protocol that needed to be followed.
She had just switched to the news channel – no love, just hard facts, that was something she could handle – and reached her apartment complex soon, still thinking. Giving it a thought, a deep and thorough one.
Maybe a just too deep thought. It was 3 am and she couldn't sleep. Every time she closed her eves, pictures of Booth kept popping up in her mind. Sleepless in DC. Great.
She had already tried to write on her book, read and recite all bones in the human body from tip to toe, parietal bone to distal phalanges. But she had been too distracted, and everything she wrote or read reminded her of Booth in some way. The „tall, dark and handsome" Special Agent in her book , as Angela would call him, reminded her of Booth. (She had to admit, Booth had been an inspiration.) The book she read was a book about typical sports injuries and their long term effects on the bone and the chapter she was reading was about Ice Hockey. No Good.
While reciting bones, she lost track somewhere around scapula or clavicle, remembering his broad shoulders she would lean on when he gave her a „guy hug".
Right, like he never crossed the line.
She kept thinking about him. Only him. And occasionally her. And of course them.
She didn't know what to think. Her thoughts were running too fast for her to catch, mixed up with lines from the songs she had heard earlier. And she had this funny feeling in her chest that wasn't really funny, it felt somewhere between a stomach ache and heartburn.
Hot tea hadn't helped.
Usually when she was unsure about something, she made a list. Pro's and con's. A mind map. IT helped her settle and organize her thoughts. Back when Sully had asked her to come with him on his boat she had made a list like that. That made her think about Booth again. Angela had suspected him of being jealous, although Brennan didn't know why he would be. There was no rational reason she could think of. („And anyway, there's the line" The voice said.) She didn't know what the line had to do with that either.
She made a decision. She needed advice from someone who sometimes knew more about her than she did herself.
„Sweetie, d' you know what time it is? Did somthin' happen?" Angela sounded rather sleepy, given the time that was no a surprise.
„I gave it a thought Ange, and now I don't know what to think anymore."
„You 'kay? You sound stressed? You gave what a th.... Oh..." She suddenly sounded a lot more awake. „ So what did you come up with?"
„I don't know, Ange, I try to think and come to a sound conclusion but seem to be unable to reflect properly." She had thought about that sentence earlier, trying to male sure she made her point.
„It's 3:30 in the morning, please talk English."
„That was English."
„Forget all the fancy vocabulary."
„I have no idea what you mean... I just don't know what I think, what I want, what I f..."
„What you feel? This sounds serious, Brennan." So was her tone.
„I never said feel. I have a stomach ache. I think the tuna I had wasn't all too fresh."
„A stomach ache? Sweetie, that feeling you have has nothing to do with food."
„Please don't say it is love. That is just a chemical reaction in your brain that causes..."
„Oh please shut up. That is bullshit and you know it."
She didn't know what to say. She almost didn't believe in her own arguments anymore. She didn't want to think that was she was feeling was just... She was no finishing that thought. Everything was based on physics and chemistry. NO exception.
Given her silence, Angela continued talking.
„Love is when two people meet and there's that spark. It's when two people connect on a certain level."
Booth had given her almost the same talk. „I don't know what that means, Angela."
„Feel inside yourself. What du you feel?"
„My chest hurts."
„Not physically. Common, work with me here. You know what I mean."
„I'm trying, Ange. I feel like I'm getting not enough oxygen, or too much oxygen. Like my rib cage expands, although I know that is only scientifically possible to a certain degree."
„Good, Sweetie. Now, if you think about something pleasant, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?"
„Coffee"
„You are not helping."
„You are supposed to be helping me."
„I'm trying, Brennan, but you are not making it easy."
„Listen, there were some songs on the radio. All about love and feelings and the one special someone and I was just thinking and it just confused me. Everyone's talking about love and being in love and falling in love. But I don't know what that is, what criteria has to be met to be sure that someone is in love. I have never been in love, Angela, or at least I don't know if I've been. How should I know whether I'm in love now, in love with..."
„With Booth? You can say it out loud you know. That's the first step."
„Ange please, I need something I can work with."
„This is not how it's meant to be. But I'm your best friend and I will try to „present this phenomenon as accessible as possible"."
„Maybe that would help. But I can't make any promises" She was not sure this was going to help but she would try. She knew she had a rather steep learning curve.
„We are quite different in many aspects but most women are the same in that department. Just try to be a little open-minded, okay?
Where do I start... When I am in love, I feel excited like a little girl on the first day of school when I am going to meet him. I get a tingly feeling all over and I am happiest when I am with him. The whole room lightens up and pulse races when he gets close to you. You know the scent of his aftershave, notice little changes, in appearance as well as in mood. It makes you sad when he is sad.
When he touches you it's like electricity racing to your body, you forget all evil when gives you a guy hug, and when you kiss, it's like there's only you two in the whole universe. You dream about him, think of him all the time, worry about him. You have absolute trust in the other person, no secrets, no shame.... And of course you feel like you have a stomach ache and you could hug the whole world. Does this help?"
Brennan was somewhat shocked by this speech, it gave her a lot to process.
„Yeah, thank you Angela" She said absent-mindedly.
„You're welcome. And please tell me when you come to a conclusion. I'm going back to sleep."
She hung up.
That was quite a list that Angela had provided her with but at this point the scientist in her kicked in. She grabbed a piece of paper and started to make a list. Finally she was back on familiar territory.
Excited like a little girl? Honestly, and she knew she had to be honest with herself and give the small voice free reign on this one, she was a little excited every time he picked her up. Or when she knew he was coming to the lab. Or just walking into the room. Or when she saw his name on her cell when he called. That seemed to be a yes then.
Tingly all over. Most definitely yes. When he gently guided her with his hand on the small of her back? Oh yes!
Happiest when she was with him? All of her happy memories in the last years involved him in some kind. The diner wasn't the same thing when he wasn't there trying to convince her to have some pie. So yes.
The room lightens up? The room? The whole world! Yes.
She was a little afraid of where this was going. She had spent years denying these things, rationalizing everything that she thought and felt. Why was she destroying her carefully built facade in just a couple minutes? For what? What would she get out of this?
The truth. If she needed to know the truth about everything else, there was no justification for not knowing the truth about the things that were going on in her own head. And heart. So she went on.
Pulse racing? Check.
Aftershave? Check. His cleaning agent and soap. Check.
And of course she noticed all the small changes. His new socks, the ties, the hand he held his coffee in. So yes.
And it made her sad when he was sad. Of course.
Electricity? Like touching a high voltage line. She didn't even want to start about those guy hugs. And the mistletoe kiss. That was beyond all measures. She had almost forgotten to count steamboats.
She dreamt about him. Almost every night.
Worried about him. Check.
Trust, no secrets, no shame.
She didn't seriously take the stomach ache she was having into account. But check anyway.
Hug the whole world? She was not too sure about that. She didn't feel particularly touchy.
She had checked off all of the points. And now?
Following her logic, the only reasonable conclusion was that she, Dr. Temperance Brennan, forensic anthropologist and best-selling author, was in love with Special Agent Seeley Booth.
Great. And what was she supposed to do with that?
The whole week, she seemed a little distracted. She seemed unable to focus, was constantly absent minded, forgot what she was about to do when she walked somewhere. Of course, her colleagues noticed but noone pushed her into sharing what was causing this change in behavior. Especially Angela, who had to be bursting from curiosity. Brennan was very thankful for their consideration.
She did have a lot to thing about. This new development would be life changing, no matter what action she would or would not take.
She could do nothing. Or she could take a risk and cross the line.
She couldn't stand doing nothing. Yet she was afraid of doing something.
So what should she do? Since she wanted this issue resolved as quickly as possible, bones and crime had a slightly lower priority.
Booth had also noticed that she had changed from one day to the other. He had casually asked some questions but she had only said that everything was just fine. Of course he hadn't believed her but let the topic rest. Instead he had given her a reassuring pat on the arm, which had definitely proven Angela's point about electricity. Now that she was aware of the reason for her reaction, she seemed to be even more sensitive.
That also proved that this weird situation had to be brought to a halt.
By Friday they had solved their case. It was an easy one, the typical crime of passion, if there was something like a „typical" murder.
Brennan and Booth had gone to the diner for lunch.
While they were sitting in their usual spot and chatting casually about everything and nothing, Brennan had been secretly observing Booth. She observed his smile, the sparkle in his eyes when he laughed. She knew exactly how he held his fork and how he drank his coffee.
And she loved everything about it.
The thought put a small but truly happy smile on her lips. She knew what to do.
On the short drive back to the lab she was very quiet. But once the exited the car, she eventually started talking.
„You know Booth, I've been thinking."
„I know. So shoot."
„Well when I was driving last weekend, something occurred to me. I didn't know what to do about it and at first I wasn't willing to admit it to myself ."
Booth made a noise that said something like „Continue." and watched her closely.
She was getting more and more anxious. This could go terribly wrong. She would have to get a new job, move (and cry for some month) if he didn't take this right. She took a deep breath to calm herself while they were still walking towards the lab.
„With some help from Angela, I found out something important. Something life-changing. I stepped on a territory completely new to me."
She could see Booth was curious and wanted her to get to the point but didn't push her. This was going to be hard. Usually she was a very self confident woman and she said what she thought. Although she knew what she felt now, she didn't know the proper words to express this strange feeling
„I have double checked all the indicators and thought about this thoroughly. I wouldn't do this if I wasn't sure. It turned out very hard to find any physical evidence, as you might call it, so this is more of a „gut feeling". Do you understand?"
„I was able to follow, yes."
She had to get this out now. She wouldn't wait any longer or she would burst. Her heart was pounding wildly. She took a deep breath and said:
„I wanted to tell you that.... ."
That had been an awfully long sentence and she took a deep breath, then looked into Booth's eyes, waiting for a response.
„To be honest, Bones, I could not understand what you said because you talked very fast and not very loudly."
She could not believe it. She was almost having a heart attack and he didn't hear what she said?
This was like a movie. And she didn't like it.
She took another breath, this time trying to take her time and raise her voice.
„I am not sure thisistherightthing todobuticannot stand conclusion thatiaminlovewithyou iknowyouhavedrawnthe line anifyourenot comfortable crossingitiwillnot likeit butacceptitthisisa firsttime formesoiam begging youidontknow howtosaythisto pleaselovemeback."
This was not getting easier over time.
„Sorry, but I am afraid you need to repeat yourself again." He smiled at her apologetically, he seriously didn't hear what she had just admitted to.
She took one deep breath, A second one. And a third one. She was concentrating very hard to get it right this time. She didn't even notice how Booth opened the door to the lab for her and led her in.
One more breath.
„I am not sure this is the right thing to do but I cannot stand not knowing anymore. I have come to the conclusion that" Another deep breath" I ... am in...love... with you." And another deep breath „I know you have drawn the line and if you're not comfortable crossing it I will not like it but accept it. This is a first time for me so I am begging you – I don't know how to say this – to – please – love me back."
This time she had basically been shouting. And speaking very clearly.
She looked in his eyes again. She saw a lot of confusion. Not a good sign. His brows were furrowed. An even worse sign. Had her speech not been received in the right way?
But she also saw something else. His eyes sparkled as he looked at her. And he smiled that special smile that made her weak in the knees.
„I..."
He didn't get to say anything more because of sudden loud applause and clapping.
Brennan turned her heads to the source of the noise.
There they were. Angela, Hodgins, Cam and Wendell all smiling widely and clapping their hands like she had just set a world record. Brennan got a big thumps up from Angela.
She turned pink instantly.
She had just confessed her love to Booth – in front of her whole team. She was going to have to ask the CIA to get her a new identity.
She felt a small electrical shock as Booth gently touched her chin to regain her attention.
„What I was about to say was, that I am just as much in love with you, have been for a long time. Of course I will love you back and not leave you, for ever, or as long as you want me to stay."
That caused even more cheering from the platform and Brennan had a tingly feeling in her chest, sparks of electricity were cursing through her body as Booth stepped closer and when he kissed her, she forgot about where they where, what day it was, who might be watching them and what this step meant for her future.
But she knew, 100% certain, that she was in love.