But I can't be sober, I cannot sleep. You've got your peace now but what about me?
Her coat is wrapped tightly around her, a thick, expensive scarf draped over her neck and leather gloves adorn her hands that Nick's fingers would usually be laced in. She doesn't know why she came to this place after so long, but it made it possible to disappear and she's angry. So angry. Angry at the world and angry at herself. Carla knew he would never think to look here so she lets herself sink to the muddy ground, leaves fluttered across the damp, slippery grass as Autumn is upon them again. Another season, another year.
She can see the fireworks from here, it's almost a full moon and Carla doesn't think she's ever seen anything so eerily beautiful. The cracks and bangs almost unsettle her but she is strangely at peace so she pushes any feelings of unease aside and relishes in what she feels. Pain feels at home with her, it feels natural. It's the only emotion she ever gets the chance to come to terms with, so she doesn't fight it anymore.
Leaning on her knees, her shaking fingers rub over his name and it's like she can feel his fingers across her skin. It's crazy because he was never hers in life but he feels so close in death. More colours dance across the sky and she remembers when they were all kids. The quarry, a place she's never felt more alive and yet more close to death. Paul, Liam and Dean, Carla and Michelle; occasionally Rob and a few others from the estate. It was their go to place. Despite the deathly drop Carla would one day become all too familiar with, it was their safety. Autumn was their favourite. Halloween would come and they'd bring whatever booze they could get their hands on and between them make some sort of fire, telling ghost stories they'd all pretend not to be frightened of until eventually one would give up and they'd run home through the woods as fast as their legs would carry them. Bonfire night came just as quick and it would be the job of the boys to get hold of some cheap fireworks and sparklers and make their own display because the group of them swore they'd never need anyone else.
Carla and Michelle were the only ones left and even they were only really ghosts of who they used to be.
"Oh Leebugs." Her whisper is lost in the wind and the fireworks and her own tears. "'Ow do I always end up 'ere, eh? Always back with you."
She sits beside his grave now, leaning against the headstone as though leaning against him. "It's happening again, Lee. I think it's already happened. I told him I loved him ages ago and I did mean it, I do. But it's happening again. I'm so dependent on him. Like I was with you. Like I were with Peter. I'm scared it's just another you, another him. Too little time, a few months of absolute bliss, Liam and then a lifetime of pain, aching insecurity and clenched teeth. That's all it boils down to in the end, in't it? How long will it last before the inevitable happens? And don't- don't you dare try and tell me it won't cos god damn you, Liam I really believed you were the one and you left. You all fucking leave me. It always happens. So don't you try and convince me it won't."
Carla's eyes glance over the moon and she almost smiles. She loved it, once upon a time. She loved that she could look at the huge piece of rock in the sky and know that everyone she'd lost, well they may not be around her but they were under that moon somewhere too. It made the world seem not quite so scary. He had tainted that too, with his stupid song, singing in the back of alley ways and his stupid leather jacket and his stupid affair.
"Nick's the best man I've ever known, Leebugs. Better than you, better than all of you. There's no games, no stringing me along and no other women. No wife, no floozy, no prostitutes in the back of his car. Just me an him." The fireworks are still ringing somewhere in the distance as she barely even realises she is talking aloud to her dead brother in law crossed lover. "So why do I keep doing things to ruin it, Lee? Why can't I let myself be happy?"
It's an ice cold November night and she knows Nick will be looking for her, yet she is drawn here like she once was to him, like a moth to a flame.
"You know a while after Dean died our 'Chelle told me something. She told me every day at 11:11, she'd wish for him. I laughed at her at the time, said she was crazy and that dead people can't come back. She cried for ages after that and I felt a right heartless bitch. I guess I were a bit back then, weren't I? But then after you died, I found myself doing the same. How stupid is that? I felt like a right idiot but it didn't stop me. The time didn't stop me either cos I'd wish for you again at 11:12 and 11:13 and every minute of every day since."
"Until him. Until he told me he'd take his chances on a mess like me and until he never, ever once gave up on me. The first proper night we spent together were the first time I didn't ever think of you. Trev, Peter, I guess they were similar enough to remind me of you but Nick? Nick is the complete opposite to anything I have ever looked for in man. Because he isn't you, Lee. And I think that's okay."
She's lost count of the amount of times her phone has vibrated in her pocket, her eyes closed and blind to the colours illuminating the sky, seeing only the black she seemed to bring on herself. "I should be home with him, Liam. I shouldn't have shouted at him; he doesn't ever deserve harsh words. But hell, I'm scared Leebugs. We talked for hours this morning, before I took the test. I told him over and over I didn't want to be pregnant, not yet, not now. It's too soon, too new, too raw. Not yet, maybe not ever. He told me he agreed but I knew he was lying. He knew I was too."
She rests a hand on her tummy like it ever really mattered, "Negative." A harsh wipe of her eyes with the sleeve of her coat, "Course it bloody were. I told him this was good, it were what we wanted. Why did he have to cry? Why did he 'ave to want it as much as I did? I couldn't bare it, I couldn't stand seeing him cry and I walked away. What does that make me, Liam? How could I walk away from the man I say I love? That were your job. You were the one who told me you loved me and you were the asshole that died, just like your brother and I 'ate you both for what you've turned me into. Weak. You'd never had called me weak once upon a time but that's what you've made me."
Her phone finishes ringing and this time she pulls it from her pocket and dials her voicemail, almost nervously bringing it to her ear.
"Carla." He sighs. "Babe, I'm sorry. I know I probably scared you back there, bursting into tears like an idiot. Just- look just come home, eh? Please. We can talk and cuddle or not talk and not cuddle or just whatever you want. Just come home. And-" His voice shakes; "Just because it's negative it doesn't mean it always will be. Just know that. I love you. Come home."
She closes her eyes at the sound of his voice and wipes her eyes, her phone still in her hand,
"Lee." His voice name sounds familiar on her lips and yet old all at once, "Leebugs, I think- I think I'm letting you go. And I think that's okay now. I love you, you daft idiot. See you around, eh." Carla presses a kiss to her fingers and then presses them against his name before dialing Nick's number before she can stop herself.
"Nick, It's me. I'm coming home now and I'm gonna need that hug." She hangs up, climbing up from her place of safety, wiping her eyes and heading back to him, her other place of safety.