"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts." ― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
She said they should go home and he kissed her. He needed her to know that she was his home, the only home he'd ever had. Unused to expressing such things, he didn't quite know how to tell her, so he told her he loved her instead. And his heart leapt when she said she loved him in return.
Home. He hoped that meant he would be sleeping at the surgery tonight, in their cottage, in their bed… together. He needed that, being together with Louisa. He'd meant it when he'd told her he couldn't live like this anymore, apart and a drift, not knowing their status, not know…anything. He needed to be with her; it was as vital to him as breathing. Just to see Louisa sustained him and actually being with her, well… he supposed that was what happiness was. At least, it was the closest thing he knew of the emotion.
When she had returned from her break, he had dared to hope. But she was right when she said it was always difficult between them. He had tried, he really had. But he had failed and he knew it. And rather than keeping them all in this limbo he'd made the first move, spoken the words first; I can't live like this…
And yet, staying in his new place, alone, uncomfortable, unhappy… he couldn't live like that either. But he would, if it meant Louisa might be happier. He couldn't live seeing her so sad either. So he'd prepared himself to let her go.
And now…. Now she wanted him to go home, with her. And as they sat there on the side of the hill, having just kissed for the first time since… he couldn't remember when, foreheads resting together, he knew he was already home.
They returned to the surgery, to James, and to their life together. It still wasn't easy; they still had their misunderstandings. But with Louisa's new understanding that she had been looking for something that doesn't exist there was less tension. And Martin was able to relax more, be less guarded. And slowly they grew closer. His outbursts lessened as did her frustration. And finally, after a lifetime of not understanding, Martin began to know what it was to be happy, truly happy.
He was still different, not normal, as she had said it that day on the hillside. But he heard fewer people calling him a tosser along the roads of Portwenn. He didn't care much either way but it seemed to please Louisa and so for that, he was grateful. She smiled more, he noted about six months after that fateful day.
And over dinner one night, she looked up at him and smiled timidly. "I think I might need one of your sticks," she said softly.
Confused, Martin asked "What?"
"You know… a pee stick?" She wouldn't look at him now and slowly the penny dropped for Martin.
"Are you telling me you think you might be… pregnant?" he asked quietly, almost in a whisper.
Her head bobbed and still she wouldn't look at him. Martin knew this was an important moment; one of those moments that could define their relationship for a long time. And he needed to get it right. His reaction to her first pregnancy hadn't been… optimal. So he took a deep breath to calm himself before responding. Then reaching across the table, he took her hand in his. Her head raised just a little as her eyes sought his face. And that's all there was for just a moment, the two of them gazing at one another. And he knew… he knew the proper response. He let a smile creep up at the corners of his mouth and allowed his emotions to show. "That…" he swallowed again. "Really? You really think…" His voice was soft, gentle, and very loving. "That would be…" he hesitated.
"Good?" she said in a small, nervous voice.
"Erm, I was going to say… wonderful," he answered back.
Her face brightened as the wariness fell away. "Really?"
"Really," he replied confidently. "Mmmmm, quite good; fantastic, in fact. I'll, erm… wash up while you… you do the …erm, test."
Martin fetched the stick and a cup for her sample and left her to the task while he cleaned the kitchen. He was too nervous to sit with her. He needed to do something. Their lives would change again, become more complicated. But as he dried the last dish he realized he didn't care; well, not much anyway. She was his home; she had allowed him in. And as a result, they were probably having a baby and it was a miracle. He would get it right this time, he promised her inside his head. It would be easier this time too, with them together.
He finished in the kitchen and turned out the lamp to go upstairs where he found her sitting on their bed, chewing her lip. "Are you finished?" he asked her, noting that she seemed sad.
"Yeah. It didn't… I'm not…" she wiped at the tears that were beginning to fall. "False alarm."
He sat next to her. "Louisa, how… Erm… late are you?"
"Couple of weeks. Well, more like just about nine or ten days."
"Might be too soon to know for certain then. But…"
Her head came up sharply as she looked at him. "What Martin?"
He knew from her expression that she was expecting a medical lecture from him. But he knew it wasn't what she wanted… or needed. ""I was just going to ask… is that what you want? Another child?"
"I… I had thought James would most likely be it for us, with our ages and all. But when I thought… it made me realize that I do still want more children. When I was young, I always thought I would have lots of them… there would be plenty of time"
Martin took another deep breath as he thought of her reply. He had known she wanted more than one. "Several babies might not be…um… possible. But perhaps one more would be… maybe two…"
The clouds lifted from her face as she studied his face, looking for how he truly felt about things. He tried very hard to remain neutral. "You mean it? You really mean it, Martin? You're willing?"
Leaning over, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. "More than willing," he said softly next to her ear.
She pulled away and gazed at him again, still trying to work it out in her mind. "I didn't think you would be; I was afraid that you'd be upset."
"Once I might have been, perhaps. But I do love you, Louisa; and I want you to be happy. James has been a revelation to me, showed me I am capable of feelings that I'd given up on long ago. I didn't think I was able to care for him as I do and he's the only person who has ever loved me without reservation. You've given me a great gift in James; how could I be upset about another?" He pushed a lock of hair back that had fallen into her face and carefully kissed her forehead. "I'm privileged that you would even want my children, Louisa."
She kissed him for that, a satisfying, thankful sort of kiss that told him her feelings. It was a comfortable, contented place they were in now, with their feelings laid out to one another. "Besides," he said quietly as the kisses dissolved into a hug, "I do enjoy the practice."
"What?" she stiffened, her head coming up inquisitively.
"Making babies requires practice, Louisa. Sometimes repeated efforts. And I do enjoy the efforts… very much."
She tilted her head and smiled. "Are you teasing me?"
"Mmmmm," he grunted as he reached to unfasten her cardigan. "But if you want two more, then we'd better get started."
"Oh Martin," she cried as she melted back into his embrace. "Yes, let's do get started…"
As he lay in their bed awhile later, Louisa contentedly snuggled against him sleeping, Martin allowed himself a smile. Yes, he had a home here with Louisa; she was his home. Their lives might be about to change, but where his heart found home wouldn't.