Ok so I know that Meredith and Derek wont break up, at first when I saw that episode I was pissed but now that I think about it I know they wont split up for real ever. Since it could very well be Meredith and Derek's last season, I'm glad that maybe the spotlight will be back on them, Cristina, and Alex. But I wrote this one shot because I feel the need to try to fix what happened in the finale between the two of them.
Meredith Grey had always been strong, her whole life her mother has taught her to be nothing more than strong. Crying was weak, according to Ellis big girls don't cry so Meredith adapted. She learned how to be strong and handle her own problems when they quite often arose. When there's a crisis she always knows what to do and how to protect the ones she loves. The only problem is, when she causes the crisis, she's never learned how to fix it.
Over the years she ran constantly, she ran to Europe when she could no longer deal with her mother. She ran from Derek when things got messy. She stopped swimming when her life was in shambles, but now, as she holds a sobbing Zola in her arms, running is no longer an option. Panic riddled Meredith, she told herself and Zola repeatedly how she can handle this, Derek was just mad and he'd be home soon. But at three a.m. as she held Zola in her arms she knew Derek may not be coming back.
"Ok, Zola its ok you should stop crying. I got you, we got this everything will be fine." Fine, she used that word again, everything is always fine, she'd gotten better over the past three years, but now it was like she was taking three steps back from her progress. Now, she felt like she was alone again and she doesn't know what to do. At that point the fake calm, soothing voice was wearing off and she wasn't even convincing herself anymore that she was fine, let alone Zola.
Zola stopped crying for a moment and Meredith exhaled, maybe this will finally work out. She held over the dead kid's crib, her heart ached for a moment; she and Derek lost a child, though it was an unborn child, it was still a child none the less and Meredith firmly believed that now. Of course now they had Zola, if Derek decided to come that is. She sighed as Zola stared at her, grabbing at her hair. Meredith laughed lightly and Zola rested her head on Meredith's shoulder.
Meredith just rocked her gently up and down, in hopes that she'd soothe the child to sleep. She'd never baby sited as a teenager like most but she hoped this would help Zola in her quest for sleep. Zola finally stilled and relief washed over Meredith, she's a sleep for now. She lowered her down into the crib, softly as not to disturb her. Meredith walked down stairs, the clock read four a.m., and she knows the hope for sleep is pretty much out her grasp at this point.
All the lights in the house are dim, giving it a shadowy overcast to match her currently shadowy life. As she looped into the kitchen she spotted Cristina sitting at one of the stools at the breakfast bar, picking at some left over lasagna April had made the night before. Cristina looked up at her and Meredith stared in return, everything is crumbling around them.
"Mer, he kicked me out." she choked out weakly, Meredith nodded, Owen had kicked Cristina out.
"Derek's still not home." she said sadly, Cristina pulled out the bar stool and motioned for Meredith to sit down.
"I don't want a child Meredith, I don't want a child and he punished me for that." She said, stabbing the lasagna forcefully.
"He's just mad Cristina, give him time to cool down." she tried to console her person, Owen couldn't possibly kick her out for good.
"He said that he should be a part of the decision, we talked about it. He wanted compromise Meredith, there's no compromising when it comes to a child, you have to want one or you shouldn't have one." She'd said point blank, Meredith nods lightly from personal experience. "You know, maybe I'm better off alone." Meredith looked over to her.
"Being alone is a hell of a lot easier." Her voice was dull, lifeless even from the sheer exhaustion and the shear hopelessness that is her life. Silence stretched over them as they sat and thought. Finally Meredith found words for both herself and Cristina, "Being alone is easier, but you and I both know we don't want to be alone or the rest of our lives. It's easier but it's not the better choice, we have to fight for the things we love." it dawned on her that she can't raise Zola without Derek; she'd have to face him if he won't come face her.
"I hate it when you're right about the crappy stuff." she scoffed, Meredith smirked for a moment, they've really grown over the years. The tequila and whoring around turned into both of them trying to save their marriages over moral disagreements.
"Meredith, what did you do?" she questioned curious of what exactly Meredith had done.
"Adele got the placebo, and I switched her's with someone who got the drug." she admitted, not ashamed of the decision she'd made.
"That's why the Chief didn't fire you, isn't it?" Cristina questioned, realizing Meredith's intentions for messing with the trial.
"Yeah, not that Derek agrees, he almost killed me when he found out." Meredith said.
"Derek will calm down, he's never leave you." she said reassuringly.
"Let's hope, he told that he can't raise a child with someone who doesn't know the difference between right and wrong, the only problem is I don't think what I did was wrong. It was more complicated than that and he just doesn't see It." she slumped down into her chair.
"You did what you thought was right just like I'm doing what I think is right, Derek knows that when he married you that you don't have the same views as him and Owen knows that when I married him that I didn't want kids." She said firmly, maybe things would fall back into place for them, in the perfect scenario they'd get apologies tomorrow and she'd back living with Owen and Derek would be home, but somehow they both knew that the chances of that happening is slim to none.
"You should have seen him though Cristina, it was like he wanted to me to get fired."
"He never would have found out if Alex hadn't told on you, which by the way I think the whole hospital, including the chief hates him now." She'd said disgusted by her friend's actions.
"I don't want people to hate him Cristina. I kicked him out of his house, he's gone and now I feel guilty, regardless of what he did, but I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him and I wish I could." She said tearing up a bit finally. "He seemed legitimately sorry for it." She added.
"Yeah but he stabbed you in the back, Meredith you cared about him some of the time you were the only person on his side and he went and did that to you, he could've gotten you fired.
"He messed up, but I still hope I can forgive him." she can't imagine herself staying mad at Alex.
"You should go and talk to Derek, it's five a.m., maybe he'll be up."
"Yeah but he won't call me back, I honestly don't even know where the hell he is, otherwise I would." She sighed.
"Where do you think he would be there's only a few possibilities Mer." she pointed out.
"Very good point. I mean he'd have to be at the hospital or a hotel I don't know where else he' be... maybe the trailer?"
"Considering Alex moved out of it, he's probably there, I doubt Alex would have the nerve to go sleep at the trailer after what he did."
"I have Zola" Meredith said in realization, in that moment she thought about what the hell she was going to do.
"I'll watch Zola." Meredith shot her a shocked glance.
"I'll watch Zola for you." she emphasizes, "Considering that I saved Derek's life so he could spend it with you." Meredith smiled at her friend in that moment; although the loss of Derek would kill her inside the one thing that's certain is Cristina will always be her best friend. If Derek didn't forgive her at least she'd have Cristina in her life.
Meredith leapt up and quietly crept up the stairs, hoping Zola would stay a sleep. She crept into their bedroom, which felt oddly empty without Derek lying in their bed. Pain jabbed at her like a dull bladed sword, enough to cause damage but not enough to kill, the kind that makes you wish you were dead rather than having to suffer the torture it brings. She threw on her black fleece jacket and put her hair back into higher pony tail, she heard the thunder storm that was over Seattle finally slow down into a light drizzle.
She ran down the steep steps and out the front door, she'd find Derek and make him talk to her even if it killed her. She hopped into her blue jeep it felt weird to be in the car, she normally drives with Derek in his black Porsche Cheyenne. She turned the key and the rumble of engine burst into life.
As she drove the fear slowly crept up on her like a lion patiently waiting to pounce on its pray, slowly but in the back of mind she knew it was coming. The streets were still dark and Seattle was still lit up as she drove through the city on her way to the secluded cliff of land that belonged to her and Derek. She knew he'd be there, it wasn't like him to spend money on a hotel when he had perfectly good land right there.
The dim street exit showed up and she switched lanes and exited the high away and the large bright downtown area of Seattle. The side street is still completely dark; almost pitch black as she drove slowly and cautiously up towards the long winding dirt road that lead to the trailer and the rest of the cliff. The upward slope of hill was difficult for the jeep even to get up.
Her car comes to a halt and she groaned, realizing what exactly was happening. The car was most definitely stuck so she of course can't drive up, she'd have to walk up through the mud or try to dig the car out, she contemplated for a moment, weighing her options. Walking the extra quarter mile or so through the mud was better than hopelessly trying to dig her car out of the pool of mud that was previously a dirt road, even if she was wearing her favorite sneakers. This was one of those situations when Seattle weather annoyed her more than anything.
She hopped out of the car and suddenly her balance seemed to leave her and she found herself falling downward.
"Shit!"
She tried to catch herself on the side of the car but she ultimately met the mud. She lay flat on her back shell shocked at what had just happened. She groaned at the sticky brown mess covering her entire back right arm. She sat up and slowly made her way back up. She shook off the mud sort of like a dog shakes off water when it gets wet only she wasn't nearly as effective in getting herself dry. Her hair sticks to her neck and of course was plastered with mud as well. Brilliant now she gets to walk up the hill with mud all over her.
She hiked her way up the winding road, tripping through the thick mud with each step and cussing profusely as she did so. She breathed heavier until she came to the top and everything seemed to level out. The flat land in front of her took her breath away as always. She spotted his Cheyenne and relief washed over her, at least she hadn't endured all of this for nothing and that he was in fact here.
She moves slowly almost gingerly through the clearing and over toward the silver trailer. The sun was finally rising, giving the sky a pinky-orange glaze as she moved toward the black truck. She remembered the last time she was up in these woods trying to get Derek to come home, that was a horrible disaster one that she's foolish to try and endure yet again.
There's no fixing you Meredith, you're a lemon.
She remembered the harsh words coming out of his mouth and him hitting the priceless engagement ring he'd planned to give her into the woods, she shuddered immediately. That was one of the many memories in her life that she never wanted to have to revisit. She approached the trailer and hovered for a moment in front of the door, almost hesitant to enter it because maybe she was afraid of what would happen or what she'd find if she did.
She gained up the courage after several minutes and opened the door leading into the tiny trailer, "Derek?" she's timid, scared sounding even. No answer.
She made her way through the small kitchen and the empty bed shocked her, where exactly was Derek? She peeped into the bathroom and again, empty like the rest of the trailer, obviously he's here just not here. Did he go on a walk?
With the groan she exited the trailer and kept walking through the dewy grass, at least the sun was starting to peak through the cloud overcasting Seattle. She spotted the frame work for their house now, a metaphor for how their lives are being put together, she stared for a moment, what if she lost that forever? For a moment she doubted herself wondering if she'd made the right decision. In her mind though, no matter how much she tried to criticize it, she still felt her decision was right. The world isn't just black and white, there are shades of grey and every other color involved.
She aimlessly walked towards the potential future she and Derek share; the house really will be beautiful, if she ever gets to live in it that is. She stepped onto the wood and she spotted him now in the future nursery. He sat up and stretched, the way he always did when he first woke up in the morning.
His raven hair was plastered to his forehead, and his clothing soaked to the brim, he'd definitely layer out here all night. She opened her mouth to speak up but changed her mind and closed it she needed to really think before she spoke. She approached closer now and he spotted her. His dark clouded eyes met her's, locking her into a stare now, the eyes that are usually bright blue and full of life had a blackish gray coloring, the coloring they always took when he was upset. She'd really messed up in his book.
"You're going to catch Pneumonia out here." She walked toward him now sighing at how wet he was. He coughed a deep wet sound, indicating fluid in his lungs; she'd be amazed if he hadn't already caught Pneumonia, the stubborn ass.
"Meredith please go home." his voice was a defeated broken tone rather than the loud and angry one she'd expected out of him.
"Post it." she said abruptly, he jumped back in the defensive immediately after the words left her mouth.
"Meredith there is no calling post it." He spat angrily, this was what she was expecting out of him, he yelled when he got angry.
"You said you'd love me even when you hated me, you said you'd never abandon me and that we were forever." tears formed in her eyes at that point.
"I know what I said Meredith!" he bit back raising the volume of his tone, she jumped back slightly startled by it. "God Meredith, I do love, I always will but right now I hate you more than I love you. What you did was just... Meredith I need time to forgive you. This isn't me running this is me taking space." he said in desperation, shooting up from the wet sleeping back he was sitting on.
"Take all the space you need Derek, but at least go inside the trailer so you don't die of Pneumonia and die because let's face it that won't get us anywhere!" she exclaimed raising her hands and dropping them against her sides for emphasis.
"I don't want to go into the trailer Meredith! Please just leave me alone." he sat back down and brought his knees to his chin. She sat pretzel legged directly across from him and he rolled his eyes.
"Jesus Derek, you don't have to be such a stubborn ass! I swear sometimes..." her voice finally broke as more tears flooded out; this was her finally breaking a little.
"Meredith, you- you switched the drugs around, you ruined the study for all the people that needed it including you!" he shouted as he shot up from the ground and across the small frame, she gingerly stood back up with him.
"Derek, I did what I had to do, it was Adele. Not to mention we don't even know if I have Alzheimer's!" she was agitated now and it was evident in her voice as it raised a whole octave.
"That's not the point, what if you do Meredith, huh? What then, there is not trial to cure it!" he snarled at her disgustedly, "There's not cure for you or anyone else now thanks to you." She opens her mouth slightly in shock and realization, she was the reason he was so mad, and she ruined his chance at saving her from a disease she may or may not have.
"You're mad because now you can't save me."
"Why do you think I started the trial in the first place, it was to help you!" he exclaimed.
"I thought you didn't even want to worry about rather or not I have Alzheimer's."
"Do I want to live my life with you knowing that you'll end up forgetting all about it and me in twenty or so years, no that's not the life I want to have. But even if you don't have it you can't just expect to sit around and hope it never happens." a cough ripped through him again and he flinched, even across the room she winced with him.
"I'm sorry I ruined your trial and I'm sorry that I upset you but Derek I'm not sorry that I tried to help Adele."
"That's what gets me Meredith, how can you not even think for a second that what you did is wrong? It just amazes me."
"What if it were me?" she bit back.
"Meredith!-" she cut him off.
"Derek, what if Richard was running the trial and I had Alzheimer's? Would you want him to give me the drug rather than the Placebo?" he froze before he spoke after that.
"That's different, and that's not happening but I sure as hell wouldn't want you to take away other people's chances."
"You and I both know you'd make sure I got that drug no matter what." He sighed and she stared at him, her eyes cut into him immediately.
"You don't get to play that card." He said looking away, "That was my chance to save you." She teamed up more finally realizing that this wasn't getting fixed right away and that he most likely wasn't going to come home and help her with Zola, there was no way in hell she could do this on her own. But she sure as hell wasn't about to use Zola as a reason for him to come home, that wouldn't solve anything. She didn't want that to be the only reason he came home either.
"You don't even know that I need saving Derek, and that was my chance to save Adele and I took it."
"But Meredith now everyone else is missing out on the trial including Adele."
"No one was supposed to find out." He laughed a cynical laugh at that, somehow the truth always comes out, and the reality is that her secret would have been revealed, whether it was when Karev had opened his mouth and said something or two months from now when the FDA dug a little further.
"Meredith the truth would have come out whether or not Karev opened his mouth, it would have come out."
"Fine Derek but like I said I was doing what I thought was right, we don't always have the same moral compass, you knew that from past experience and you knew that when you married me." she stayed firm when she said this, because he knew this.
I know it's easier to have compassion for a good person than a murderer. Derek, you see things in black and white, Meredith doesn't you need a spoon full of that. You need her, she's the one.
His mother's words the day she met Meredith rang in his head. Meredith didn't see things in black and white he knew that about her, yet this... this was too much what she did was wrong and it baffles him how she can't even see it. Despite this he still can't imagine his life without her, no matter how mad he is at her.
"You see things in color." he said plainly, she cocked her head to the side questioningly.
"When my mother came to visit she told me that you saw things in color and that I needed a spoon full of that, she told me I needed you."
"Do you still believe that?"
"Yes." he whispered softly as she came in closer to him, she pressed her forehead to his now, he's freezing. Normally he's a furnace, always warm but this was the coldest she's ever felt him with the exception of when he first got out of surgery after he was shot, he was cold then too from the blood loss. She shuddered at the memory, the way he called her name desperately; she never wanted to experience that ever again.
"You're cold." she stated grabbing his hand.
"You're muddy." he rebutted.
"The jeep got stuck on the trail and I fell when I got out." That got the smallest chuckle. "Derek please come home, I need you." she said in quiet desperation.
"I'll come home." he agreed, she laughed a tiny laugh and he wiped her eyes, "Don't worry about the jeep we'll just take the Cheyenne home and dig the jeep out tomorrow." she nodded and they walked side by side toward the black SUV.
The car ride home was silent at first, he was still mad at her and he would be for a while. They still have plenty of issues that will need to be worked out, but for now they're going home so they can try to fix them. It will take time, they both know that but they both know they'll work them out. He looked over at her as they stopped at the light, the heat in the car felt nice as they both shivered from the wetness. He coughed again and Meredith winced, "Derek, I seriously you got Pneumonia or something out there." she said concerned.
"I can't argue there." he said clearing his throat. She smiled at him slightly.
"I'm glad you're coming home."
"Me too, it's cold out there in the rain."
"Zola's at the house." he looked at her in complete shock and she dodged eye contact for a moment.
"What?" he said shocked at the statement, why was Zola at their house?
"They granted us temporary custody, that's why I called you so many times." She admitted sheepishly.
"Why didn't you just tell me that right away?"
"Because Derek, I didn't want that to be the reason you wanted to come home."
"Still I left you on your own to take care of her for the night, I wouldn't have gone off like that if I would have known I should have answered my phone." he was blaming himself the way he always does of course.
"It's not your fault; I was just as shocked as you were."
"Who's with her?"
"Cristina and probably Lexie or April."
"We don't even have any stuff." he said dumbstruck.
"Yeah we gotta go buy a new crib tomorrow; she's sleeping in some dead kid's crib which is really creepy and morbid." Derek grimaced at the though and nodded.
They pulled up to the familiar house and stared at it for a moment, it was more peaceful than usual. They entered the house and the shear quietness took them aback.
"Derek you're back and Meredith... what happened?" April questioned noticing the fact that he was dripping wet and Meredith was covered in mud.
"Long story." Meredith said quietly, April just nodded, sometimes things were just better left alone and this was one of those things.
They made their way back up to their bedroom and the crib that held Zola caught Derek's attention in their master suite. She was sitting up and staring at the both of them now, almost giving a "where were you?" look. He smiled at her.
"Go take a shower first Meredith, I got her." Meredith nodded at him.
Meredith held Zola now as Derek showered, her chubby baby fingers were in her mouth as she smiled and laughed at Meredith. She grabbed at her hair the way she always did and it melted Meredith's heart the way it always did.
"See Zola, daddy's home." she said excitedly as Zola smiled up at her. "I told you we were gonna be fine." She kissed the side of the baby's head now. She didn't notice that Derek was standing in the door way watching her though Zola did as she pointed at him, Meredith turned to look at him now, he was dressed in his lounge pants and a warm fleece shirt.
"I'm sorry I said that you'd be a bad mother Meredith, I didn't mean it and I never should have said It." he felt guilty now for saying it because he knew that was one of her biggest fears.
"I know." she said as she smiled at him, he walked in closer to her and Zola now and tickled the baby's tummy as she sat comfortably in Meredith arms. She giggled and Derek's face lit back up. Meredith stared at him for a moment they both knew that even though they're marriage was in troubled waters, they'd work it out somehow. They were both going to try like hell to fix it. The words he'd said to Meredith would still affect her and shake her confidence as a parent for a while and the fact that Meredith didn't think she was wrong would still anger Derek but for now they would put it aside because in this moment they had Zola.
They could fight and scream at each other all they wanted to tomorrow, but for now, today, they were going to rest.