Chapter 1

Matthew Cooper sat in his office, going through the papers of a new case he was working on. It felt good to dive into his work, that way everything that haunted him stayed buried down deeply in his consciousness. He preferred it that way and it wasn't the first time it happened. He did it for the first time since he found his Ma Charlotte Cooper that dawn staring into distance, trying hard not to cry as not to wake up him and his siblings. He never let her know how panicked he actually got when she confided to him that his biological Father abandoned them, taking all the money. Matthew couldn't allow to himself to get lost in panic, he had to help his Mum.

Than when she died…Even the moment she inhaled her last breath and her eyes went glossy, he just swallowed hard, his palms holding strongly on Colleen and Brian who clutched to their Mum, crying their hearts out. During the funeral, his little brother and sister held onto him and Matthew swallowed his tears again. He didn't allow to anybody to see him crying, yet his pale face and dark circles under his eyes told about sleepless nights... He remembered well those awful days when he put Brian and Colleen to sleep and said good night to Dr Mike and went to the barn…Alone in there, he stood silent for a moment, than his eyes stopped at the saddle on the fence near by. He reached it, his fingers absently caressing it…and than all of a sudden he grabbed it and smashed it against the wall, startling up the horses. Afraid that he will wake up Dr Mike, he simply fell down in the hay, hiding his face in it and crying himself to sleep…

Than Ingrid died…For months and months he couldn't find peace. It didn't help that Ethan came to try to take Brian and Colleen away from him. Matthew felt that he will fall apart. If Lillian didn't step in, he wouldn't know what to do. Shocking images of Ingrid's attacks just shortly before her death still haunted him…And than their goodbye…She was so weak, every touch was painful and more than anything in that moment Matthew wanted is to close his eyes and die the second Ingrid took her last breath…

And than Emma left…Matthew remembered the lonely days and nights he spent, wandering around the forest, taking a hike up to Pike's Peak and just thinking.

He decided to take his life in his hands and stop getting attached to people. Whenever he did, he ended up hurt. He wasn't willing to take anymore chances, he couldn't take another heartache. He needed to make himself useful, do something to take his mind of the emptiness in his life.

"What?!", Michaela dropped one of the plates she was drying as she stared bewildered at her oldest son. Sully and the kids looked up from the table. Matthew took a deep breath in; he was expecting her to react this way.

"I called Mr. Jameson and he said that he will gladly help me during the first weeks. I'll stay at his place until I find my own. Plus, there are already some cases that nobody wants to work on", he stated seriously.

"Matthew, you can't just take off like that, I mean…", Michaela started to protest, but Matthew interrupted her:

"I can't live like this anymore, Dr Mike", he looked down, his voice was a mere whisper. Looking up at a woman who he grew to love like his own Mother, he silently added "I just can't", and with those words, he stormed out from the house. Michaela started to go after him, but Sully stopped her.

"What are you doing? You aren't actually supporting him on this?!", Michaela glared at her husband, stunned.

"It didn't come over the night", Sully calmly said "He needs to find his own path…"

"You knew about this?!", Michaela's mouth dropped slightly opened in shock "I can not believe this! How could you encourage him in such a…"

"Michaela, Matthew is a grown man! Weren't you the one who told him that he should go to big cities, studying and now when he is doing it, you are against it?"

"It's not the same…he's not the same…", Michaela sighed, defeated "I am scared for him", she added in a whisper.

How ironical it all was! Dr Mike was indeed the one who tried to talk him into going to college to another city when he first declared that he wants to marry Ingrid. They had quite a fight back than. Matthew slightly smiled at the memory. He was so young, indeed. From this point of view, he could understand Dr Mike's thinking back than. Now, with everything that life pressed on his back, Matthew wasn't sure what he wanted of his life. He would give everything to be that young man again who knew exactly what he wanted. But, he lost too much over the years…

That's why Law School sounded good. Diving into his practice during the day and studying from his heavy law books during the night enabled Matthew to not being able to feel anymore. He was in Denver for two years already, studying and working in joint practice with Mr. Jameson. He didn't go out, the only time he allow himself to rest was during holidays when he would visit the Sullys back in Colorado Springs. Letters from Brian and Colleen from Boston were breaths of light in his heart. His little brother was one of the finest journalist in Boston Globe and for few months now engaged to Sarah. Colleen was working with Andrew in the hospital, however she would have to stop soon due to baby coming. It was Colleen and Andrew's first child and Andrew was a nervous wreck as Colleen put it in her last letter.

Matthew got up from the table, taking his cup of coffee with him. He stood by the window, gazing into the night. The snow was slowly falling from the sky, the lights on the streets happily shining. Few people passed by already asleep streets of Denver, leaving footprints in the snow. Christmas was coming by, three more weeks and it will be here. Taking a sip of his coffee, Matthew ignored the sharp pain tugging at his heart as he realized that it will be another lonely Christmas Eve. He loved his family dearly and couldn't wait to see them all, but seeing them growing families of their own reminded him even more of the emptiness in his life, in his home here in Denver and in his heart.

Huffing a frustrated breath, Matthew stepped away from the window. He went back toward the table and placing his cup on it, his gaze fell on the front page of Denver Post.

"Queen Of Hearts Circus – A Christmas Treat For Denver."