Jacob/Renesmée funfic (yes I mean FUNfic, not FANfic), one-shot. Just poking fun at a subject I think should be covered in a sequel somewhere down the road.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and the words that are my own. Jacob, Renesmée, Edward, Bella, and all the other brilliant characters are not my own work, Stephenie Meyer owns everything, I have no rights to ownership, etc., etc., etc. Don't rub it in.

A/N: This all takes place when Renesmée is much older and Jacob is still looking 15… or 25… or the same as ever, however is least confusing to word it…. So don't be freaked out. Jacob's POV, because it's just so much freaking funnier that way!!!

I looked at the beautiful young woman walking beside me. What had I ever done to deserve such a wonderful person in my life? Oh yeah, two years of emotional pain and scarring from her mother, that's right, I thought, not at all bitterly.

It was almost funny now, loving someone so hard for so long and in the next second nothing matters but the perfect creature that is now lunging so gracefully it takes my breath away. To think, my Renesmée once had to be persuaded with contests and prizes to hunt at all.

Lucky I don't mind raw meat, because she's just brought down a giant elk. I rather prefer the arrangement we have—she first drinks the blood, followed by my finishing off the body of whatever animal we decide to enjoy together. Less waste and ecosystem disruptions that way.

* * * * *

Late afternoon-ish we're through hunting for a few days at least. She's reaching for my hand, maybe to show me something or maybe not. Always a surprise with her. This time she's showing me something.

A picture of my face, the same but so different. Viewed from the side, as though she isn't looking directly at me. In the Washington house, but so long ago—I can tell by the piano still sitting in the foyer, which moved to Bella's (and Edward's, once Renesmée's also) cottage very long ago. In reality it was really only a few years, but time is muddled when you're living with never-aging people, not to mention being one yourself. The memory is right now tinted with a question I can't quite make out. Sensing my confusion by the very touch that her hand has on mine, Renesmée speaks out loud.

"Why?" Sensing that didn't clear my muddled mind, she continued, "You looked so angry for a moment, but then you loved me right in the same second. Why were you even there?"

Whoa. I guess maybe I should have prepared myself a long time ago for this moment, but…. Whoa. Why the sudden curiosity? I wonder.

"Why the sudden curiosity?" I ask, just to stall. Another brush of her hand against mine and she can tell I'm not really wondering about the inner workings of her mind—I gave up on trying to understand years ago, and she knows it. Somehow we still understand each other better than just about anyone. I change tactics. "Okay, just…. Why now?" Why now? Why ever?

"Because I was just thinking that I can't really have ever done anything to deserve you or anyone as great as you, I suppose," she replied in her usual blatantly open fashion that she expected everyone to keep with her as well as she did with us.

I guess now is as good a time as ever to confess the whole truth, nothing but the truth. Let's just dive right in. I thought with an inward shrug—seeable shrugs bothered Renesmée like nothing else could.

"I was there to first kill your father…. Then talk Bella into giving you up…. Then I was going to kill you…. Then I saw you and it all went uphill from there," I rushed the last part. Renesmée stopped in her tracks. Oh, great, nothing ever shocks her enough to stop her unless she's REALLY mad. I better do some quick explaining.

"Alright, you see, it was like this," I began hurriedly. At least she seemed willing to wait for my too-blunt explanation to be explained. "I was your Mom's best friend, we were supposed to be together, I could feel it. I loved her—like seriously, a lot. But then she was with Edward, but then he left—this was years before you, just so you know—and so I had to help her stay together. Then everyone became werewolves and the vampires came back which had caused it before they all left with Edward, but no one had any clue why it still happened when they were gone, then Bella went missing to Italy with your Aunt Alice, and when she came back she was with Edward again. So then we fought the war against the newborns and Victoria died and Laurent was already dead, so then Bella chose Edward over me even though I was sure my forcing her to make out with me was a pathetic enough attempt to make her love me best, but I guess not because they got married and I nearly killed everyone at the reception, but they got away and when they came back they had you." I stopped for a deeper breath than I'd known was possible to take without help of an extra set of lungs. Who says girls are the only fast-talkers? At least she looks more placated now. "So you were killing Bella, and everyone but me and the pack—I was still with Sam's back then—thought Bella was diseased, but I thought she was… you know, like she is now. Which made me want to go kill everyone in the Forks house, until I realized you were the disease, so then I was mostly concerned with Edward getting ripped to shreds by me. Then I tried to get Bella to kill you so she could live, but she's a stubborn one and said no. When you were born, Bella was dead to me, so I came to kill you for killing her, but then I saw you and everything just kind of melted away and I was happy again, and so were you. The End."

No reaction.

* * * * *

Still nothing. Still standing here. Renesmée looks lovely in the slanting gold evening light.

* * * * *

Now I'm sitting. We've been here about three hours since I said "The End." Man, I hope that wasn't an omen, or foreshadowing or something.

* * * * *

Okay, she's moved. This silence has officially broken the awkwardness of any silence ever before, since the dawn of time. Must be worse than the first time Adam burped in front of Eve, or whoever has that monumental achievement to their name.

"I was a disease."

"That's what we all thought, except your Mom and Aunt Rosalie."

"You tried to get her to give me up."

"You were killing her, but I'm so glad you didn't. I'm so glad she was so stubborn." We both kind of awkwardly smiled. It was all forgiven. She took my hand and we both felt the agreement that would never speak of this instance ever, ever again.

* * * * *

As we entered the range close to the house, Renesmée suddenly stopped and pulled her hand in a jerky movement out of mine. Why? What could possibly shock her after all that?

"Wait. Just wait. Hold on for a bit," she said in a detached voice. She looks like she's not going to even make eye-contact again. Why does this keep happening? I wonder, exasperatedly.

"You." I wait patiently. Nothing.

"Yes?" I prompt gently.

"YOU." Again, of course it's me. I'll wait for her to say something new. But what could she possibly be thinking of?

"You made out with my mom!!!" she said, appalled. Well duh, I just told you that! I thought. I thought we were over this issue. I say nothing. She goes on, "You loved her! And now you love me and I'm her daughter!!!"

"Yes…," I agree, wondering what will happen next.

"That's so GROSS!!!" Renesmée is so adorable when she is slightly disgusted, it nearly makes me cry. However, I must now chase after her or else losing her will be the only thing to make me cry.

"Renesmée! Wait! It's not like that!...." Well, actually, I guess it is. Erm, was.

* * * *

END

A/N: Okay, maybe it wouldn't happen exactly like that, but seriously, if I found out the guy I loved had (on numerous occasions) made out with my mother?!?!?!? Gross. That's all I have to say on that, it would just be GROSS.