Of Snakes and Dragons

By: iamletired

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or its characters, blah blah blah, etc.

Author's Note: This was largely an exercise in determining if I was able to write a oneshot and how writing in first person POV feels, since my only other fic is in third person and far longer than I ever expected (or wanted) it to be. Also, while browsing through , I started feeling sad that there are so many more HitsuHina, HitsuRuki, HitsuKarin, and even HitsuOC fics and communities than HitsuMatsu. Not that I hate those pairings; it's just in terms of canon, I don't really understand most of them, except the HitsuHina one. Plus I love rooting for the underdog in terms of popularity, so I thought I would try to contribute another HitsuMatsu fic. I think. Or maybe it's more GinRan. Whatever. It's actually sort of meant to go with my other fic, but again, that fic is not getting finished anytime soon. So here it is. It's just another take on Gin's thoughts during his depressing dying scene. Oh, and reviews are always welcome of course :P.

Of Snakes and Dragons

So this is what dying feels like.

...it's not that bad, actually, compared to the actual moment when Aizen ripped off my arm and stabbed me. Heh. Now that was a real doozy. I blacked out for a moment from the pain there. What a sly bastard. I knew he wasn't gonna be easy, but damn if I didn't think I actually had him this time.

Well. They say snakes can strike with a speed over a hundred miles per hour, but even the fastest snake misses from time to time. And of course, the greater the distance between predator and prey, the harder it is to land that crucial hit.

But still, the snake's gotta try, don't it? It's the only way to survive.

...Hah I really don't feel so good. Lightheaded. Massive blood loss does that to you, I've heard. Never experienced it firsthand, of course, until now. Did it to a lot of people, though, to get to where I am now, so I guess I hafta say fair's fair.

Ohhhh there's Rangiku's reiatsu stirring again. Kido must be wearing off, and then she'll be lookin' for me again. Hah she's gonna be pretty confused. And I'd love to explain. Really I would. That's what I hated most about the plan-keeping her in the dark, hurting her. But I just don't have the time, don't have the blood. …maybe it's better if we don't see each other again.

Because I know she's gonna cry, and I hate that.

...

Rangiku, I love you.

This whole thing I've dedicated my life to was to make it so you'd never cry again. I'm selfish like that. I know what this would do to you, but I just couldn't let go of my hate. Couldn't really love you until I settled this first. But come to think of it, it sort of backfired, didn't it? Whoops.

…Ah, the pain's hittin' me now. Good. That's good. It'll keep me awake a little longer. 'Cuz I'm kinda sleepy too….

Yeah, dying isn't so bad, physically. It's the inside that's really killin' me. It's hard to breathe, it's so heavy and sharp at the same time. 'Course, I'm pretty sure Aizen punctured my lungs, so maybe that's it. But I think...it's regret.

Not sure I've ever felt regret before. Not like this. I mean, it was pretty bad saying goodbye to Rangiku the first time we beamed up to Hueco Mundo, but I was still hoping I'd see her again once I took care of things.

...well, guess not. The snake had its moment, but the prey was just too far.

Oh yeah, Rangiku's up. All the crazy reiatsu in the area is gonna make it hard for her, but she's smart. She'll find me.

...I remember when I found her. Lying on the ground. Half-dead. Covered in dirt. I bet she doesn't know that's when I fell in love with her. I was just a kid then, but I knew what it was when I saw her. Heh. Ichimaru Gin fell in love at first sight. Wonder what Kuchiki Rukia would think if someone told her that. I know I really scare that girl. I've been laughing at her all these years, it'd be good for her to laugh at me once.

...can't feel my limbs. That's a funny feeling. Can't really recommend it. And I'm shaking too. From the shock.

Hurry up, Rangiku. I'm doing the best I can here, but you gotta help me out too.

This must be what they mean about your life flashing before your eyes when you're kickin' the bucket. I can't stop remembering her.

It kinda sucks that the memories usually involve him too. Eh, can't be helped. They're captain and lieutenant after all.

Funny how much little ol' Shirou-chan hates me for hurting his precious Hinamori. I started hating him waaaay before that. Kinda petty, but I was really hoping to kill his friend that night. I mean, besides it being Aizen's order, it felt good to dish some of that hurt back out to the guy who was stealing Rangiku's heart from me and didn't even have the courtesy to notice.

I remember when Rangiku came to me to talk about how she was getting a new captain. This Hitsugaya Toshirou fellow. A child genius, like me. Heh. Bad news. I would know. Us child geniuses were born to make trouble.

'Course, I told Rangiku everything would be fine. Teased her she could probably just wave her oversized boobs in his face and he'd blush and do whatever she said.

I could kill myself for suggesting that. It's some weird tradition between them now. I try to enjoy the fact that it drives Hitsugaya nuts, but it also means he's one of the few guys besides me to value Rangiku as more than a pair of tits. And he's the only guy who cares super seriously for her after me.

I remember when we were first introduced to him at the captains' meeting. All I wanted to figure out was if this guy was going to treat my Ran-chan right. But I forgot all about that when I heard his zanpakutou was a dragon. I'm not superstitious much, but all of a sudden I couldn't shake the feeling that this guy was gonna be trouble. It was in the way he walked and breathed and looked all cold at people. Couldn't begin to imagine why at that point, but I just knew we were gonna make each other miserable.

It started the very next day when Rangiku excitedly told me, "It's the boy I met in the marketplace, Gin! I can't believe it! I knew he had some strong spiritual power, but I never imagined he was captain-class!"

"You know 'im?" I was pretty surprised. And that bad feeling came over me again. But I was still thinking more along the lines like he might figure me and Aizen out. Which he did, too. What a pain.

"Yes! I met him a few years back at one of the markets in Rukongai." She narrowed those lovely blue eyes of hers in memory. "He was being bullied by some jackass vendor. But I set things straight. And now, he's my captain! What are the odds?"

I don't believe in fate. That's a pretty lousy concept, fate. Was it my fate to lie here alone among these crumbling buildings with my life bleeding out? Hope not. That's just too crazy, even for a guy like me.

…Still, maybe fate does have a hand in things now and then. Can't help but wonder when you see certain things. Things like Hitsugaya and Rangiku meeting again, working together. And Aizen picking as his lieutenant and dupe Hinamori Momo, the one person Hitsugaya would go ballistic about.

...

I think there's some fluid in my lungs. Chest is burning a little more, and I'm gagging a lot. Tastes like blood. Guess I should…breathe more shallowly. …See? I'm doing everything I can, Rangiku. Always have, always will.

Aizen kept me busy, plus I didn't want to draw his attention to Rangiku, so it was a while before I got to see the her with Hitsugaya.

I went to their headquarters once.

Rangiku was so different around him. I mean, she was still herself. Sweet. Beautiful. But happier than I'd seen her in ages. Maybe ever.

"Taichou, since Gin never visits us, we should take a break and celebrate with some sake!"

Taichou. Not Hitsugaya-taichou, sir. And she practically sang it. She never said my name with such carelessness.

"It's the afternoon, Matsumoto. You're welcome to talk with Ichimaru-taichou, but you are not drinking in our office, and I still want those reports done by tonight."

"Mouu, taichouuu!" She hug-attacked him, sending some of his papers flying off his desk. "Have a heart!"

I have, by the way, never been hug-attacked. I know people assume I have, hence my grin, but Rangiku was always shyer around me. I'd always preferred it. Most people didn't know such a cute side to Matsumoto Rangiku existed. But…she was so obviously enthusiastic about touching Hitsugaya.

"Matsumoto! What the hell! Get your breasts out of my face!"

She beamed up at me, with her arms still wrapped around her captain. "Isn't my taichou so cute, Gin?"

He was cute. They both were. Too cute. They were like the opposite-sex Kyoraku and Nanao. I'd have been infinitely amused by them, except it was Rangiku who was all over Hitsugaya.

Wasn't hard to see why, either. Hitsugaya gave her what I couldn't. Permanence. Honesty. He was a boring little grump, but he had principles. He was the sort of guy Tousen liked to think he was. Heh Tousen…at least I got to see that prick go before me.

Anyway, I didn't visit their headquarters ever again.

I know Rangiku wanted us to get along. She thought we had a lot in common, and she's actually not wrong. We didn't have lofty ideals, we just wanted to protect what was important to us, and we were ready to bet our lives on that. Too bad we had conflicting interests on what we wanted to protect. I think we could've actually been decent buddies, provided he didn't go for Rangiku. Yeah…could've been fun. We both could use a couple more friends. Although we'd never admit it haha.

I actually tried a little, for Rangiku's sake. I mean, I tried not to actively get on his nerves anyway. Especially during the last days before we put Aizen's plan in motion. The last thing I wanted was to arouse the tenth division's suspicions, and I knew by then that Hitsugaya was a wily thing with nothing better to do in his spare time than unravel conspiracy theories.

But no go. Like I said, I could almost believe that the fates conspired against me on this one. As soon as Hinamori went crazy with grief, I knew Hitsugaya was going to start digging, with Rangiku in tow. And Aizen had already ordered me to draw as much attention to myself.

Man that was a crazy fight. I was pretty excited to finally cut loose a little and smack Hitsugaya around. He'd been on my back for a while now ever since I didn't kill the ryokas when they invaded, and I knew he was telling Rangiku his suspicions. Of course, he was right, sort of, but that doesn't mean I can't be pissed at him for bad-mouthing me to the girl I love, you know?

Plus he still thinks he's in love with Hinamori. Idiot. Realize already who you're always touching, talking to, trusting your life with. It's a good thing Rangiku is so slow too. She still thinks I'm the only one she loves.

...haaaah my laughter sounds like I'm gargling salt water, except it's probably blood. Now that's no fun. I'll have to remember not to laugh when Rangiku comes. We have the same sense of humor for the most part, but she draws the line at bloodshed. Silly girl. That's why I was going to change this world for you. You didn't have to follow me. You didn't have to dirty your hands.

At least it led you to Hitsugaya.

In some human cultures in Asia, I hear dragons are believed to be snakes that had attained spiritual purity. Well, if I'm a snake still crawling through the mud of my sins, Hitsugaya is a dragon flying high above them. He surrounds you with light and good, and he brings out the best in you. Truth be told, I love you even more when you're with him. Your eyes are unclouded and your smile has true brightness. That's what his love does to you. Mine only leaves you sad and fearful of the next time I disappear into the dark without a word.

That's why you stopped my blade that night, isn't it, Rangiku? I saw it in your eyes. They always tell me exactly what you're feeling. You're not like Hinamori. You wouldn't try to kill me, your best friend. But you were ready to fight me and die on my blade for him. You had chosen him, even if neither of you realize it yet.

I have to confess, Rangiku, that damn near broke my heart, when I realized I was losing you to that noble little midget. Never envied anyone before. Never wanted to be anyone but myself. Except that night. Because for the next step, I would have to leave your side for real. While he stayed.

...hmm. Can't see. Everything's black now. Guess blood flow to the brain is running out too. Heh how scary. Now there's nothing to see but the past.

I dreamt of you almost every night in Hueco Mundo, Rangiku. Hate to admit it, but the only person that beat you was Aizen and the weight of his corpse impaled on Shinso, his blood soaking the ground where I stood. Not the most mentally sound of dreams, but like I said, I'm a snake. You were the only person who ever made me feel like a human for a bit, Rangiku.

A pity I couldn't return the favor. My dreams always showed you crying and broken from what I did. Like Hinamori. Hah. Guess I was flattering myself. But I'm glad it didn't turn out that way. I'm glad today I saw you next to your beloved captain, still strong, ready to fight. I'm even glad I saw the glances and words the two of you exchanged before battle, ready to die together. You've found someone to keep you safe. You'll never feel alone again, no matter what happens to me.

...finally, I think I can hear your voice. It's my name you're saying, isn't it? Ahhh how nice. I've missed that. You'll have to excuse my rudeness, though. I don't think I can answer you right now.

I knew it. You're crying, Rangiku. I can feel your tears on my cheek. Don't cry, Rangiku. Please. Don't…hmm is that a death-rattle I hear in my throat? So much for saying anything.

Please run, Rangiku. Don't let Aizen get you. I don't think there's anyone left to stop him, so…

Well, that's interesting. That Kurosaki kid is here too. How nice. Two people to send me off. It'd have been nice if Kira came too. He was a good lieutenant. Hope I didn't mess him up too bad.

But this is enough for a snake like me. I was able to be with you again, Rangiku. And Kurosaki…can I entrust him to do what I couldn't? Yes…I think I can. Kid's creepy powerful. And I can sense his determination.

I've thought hard about it. What I want to say to you, Rangiku. At first, it was going to be another apology. Because I am sorry. Sorry I never held you, kissed you, made love to you. Sorry I never told you how I felt. I'm so sorry, Rangiku, but you'll never know. I don't want you to know. I don't want to leave you a damn thing, or you'd try to follow me again. You can't go where I'm going now. Not yet. Never, if I had my way.

But that's not necessary now. What I need to do now is break these chains between us so you can be free to live on. I'm glad you came to see me off, but this is goodbye. Live on, Rangiku. Find love again, and be happy. After this, you will mourn me, but then you'll remember your captain. And you'll run to him, calling his name like you did mine. But unlike me, he'll actually be there.

He'll take care of you. I know it. He won't leave you doubting, like I did. He'll always be there for you, loving you.

Kurosaki Ichigo, to you, I leave my vengeance on Aizen.

Hitsugaya Toshirou…I'm fairly certain the only person we hate more than each other is Aizen. But that's not to say I'm not grateful to you for saving Rangiku from me. And hell, since I'm dying, I might as well admit you've always had my grudging respect. Still can't believe you iced my arm, you uppity brat.

…anyway, to you, I leave my will. Protect her. Cherish her. Above all, continue to love her the way I could not.

And to you, Rangiku, I will only say again…goodbye…