Rurouni Kenshin Presents: The Meiji-Era Full Monty! -- Part 1
A special "arigatou" to my editor and co-conspirator MadamHydra, who is a formidable fanfiction-writer in her own right and who let me borrow her creations, the Nightwitches, for this insane fic. What? You haven't read "That Which Lingers" yet? Then get thee to /madamhydra/TWL.html pronto! You won't regret it, I promise you... .
SPOILER WARNING! Yes, even this silly-fic has spoilers... they're relatively mild Revenge Arc spoilers, but I thought I'd post the warning just in case. So, if you have no idea who Enishi and Tomoe are, or what the heck Jinchuu means... read at your own risk!
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. I don't own "The Full Monty." I'm not making any money off of this... who'd buy this silliness anyway? :P
Scene: the Kamiya Doujou. Kenshin is doing laundry and doing his best to ignore a very animated Sanosuke.
Sanosuke: Whaddya say, Kenshin?
Kenshin: No, Sano.
Sanosuke: C'mon! It'll be fun...
Kenshin: No way.
Sanosuke: Aw, c'mon, Kenshin! If you don't do this, we're screwed.
Kenshin: Absolutely not.
Sanosuke: You're the only holdout, you know... all the other guys are ready to do it.
Kenshin stops mid-wring and stares at Sanosuke.
Kenshin: You're kidding, right?
Sanosuke: Do I look like I'm kidding? Saitou's got the uniforms...
Kenshin drops the gi he was washing back into the tub.
Kenshin: Oro?! S- S- Saitou's involved in this? But how... why...
Sanosuke shrugs.
Sanosuke: I never would've asked him, you know... but he showed up yesterday with a pile of policemen's clothes and a scary look on his face. Says he has no choice but to join us...
Kenshin is speechless.
Sanosuke: And Soujirou's been teaching us some moves...
Kenshin: Seta Soujirou?! Where in kami-sama's name did you find him?
Sanosuke: He showed up a few days ago... says he's been bored and needs some money, so he's in. And then there's your master... he just popped in this morning...
Kenshin (sputters): Shishou's doing this, too? I can't believe it!
Sanosuke (grins): Yeah, the great Hiko Seijuurou... he'll really draw a crowd. Says he's only in it for the free sake, but I think he's showing off, as usual...
Kenshin (slightly miffed): Well, if you have shishou, what do you need me for?
Sanosuke claps Kenshin on the shoulder.
Sanosuke: Na, Kenshin, we all know who the real chick-magnet in this series is. You have to be there...
Kenshin shrugs Sanosuke's hand off.
Kenshin: I said no.
Sanosuke: Kenshin! You have to do it! You're the star! Everyone's expecting you! holding out a flyer See?
Kenshin takes the flyer and skims it -- then face-faults into the washtub.
Kenshin: Orororooooo!
Close-up of flyer floating to the surface of the tub -- "Rurouni Kenshin Presents -- The Meiji-Era Full Monty! Come see your favorite former-assassin-turned-rurouni and friends bare all and strut their stuff for Ladies Night at the Akabeko. Admission 10 yen. Includes free sake. See you there!"
Kenshin pulls himself out of the washtub, his eyes narrowed and tinged with amber.
Sanosuke: Maa, maa... calm down, Kenshin! Think about the bottom line here...
Kenshin fingers his sword-hilt. Sanosuke sweatdrops.
Sanosuke: Uhh... bad choice of words!
Sanosuke takes off across the yard, the Hitokiri Battousai close at his heels.
...
Some time later, at the Akabeko...
Tae (smiling brightly): Oh, Sanosuke! I see you've brought your star performer with you...
Kenshin sweatdrops.
Kenshin: Eeto... Tae-dono... I haven't agreed to do any--
Sanosuke slaps Kenshin on the back, nearly knocking him over.
Sanosuke: Yeah! We're nearly ready for tomorrow night... just need to put a little more practice in...
Tae: Oh, good! I'm looking forward to it! We'll do a lot more business than usual, I'm sure...
Sanosuke: That's the idea... we all need the extra cash, ne, Kenshin?
Kenshin backs slowly toward the door.
Kenshin: Ah, Sano, I just remembered... Kaoru-dono needs some rice and misooo..oro!
Sanosuke grabs Kenshin in a headlock and drags him to the back of the restaurant.
...
Scene: an empty banquet room at the Akabeko. Sanosuke, wearing a police uniform with the jacket unbuttoned and no shirt, ticks off items on a list he's holding. Soujirou is demonstrating some steps while Saitou, Chou and Hiko watch with varying degrees of distaste on their faces.
Hiko: Look here, boy... I didn't agree to prance around like some geisha.
Chou: Me, neither. Not my style.
Soujirou smiles and rubs the back of his head.
Soujirou: But Sagara-san says we need to dance... it's all part of the show. Ne, Saitou-san?
Saitou is chain-smoking. He looks extremely annoyed, mortified... and resigned.
Saitou (between drags): It's true. We dance while removing our clothes. It's what's known as a striptease.
Sanosuke tucks a pencil behind his ear.
Sanosuke: And it ends with all of us totally in the buff onstage... those gaijin from England call it a "full monty."
Saitou nearly bites his cigarette in half. Chou face-faults.
Chou: Man, you gotta be kidding me. Saitou Hajime's gonna dance? Then strip? Naked? Onstage? He grins. This I gotta see! I'm in, Soujirou...
Saitou lights another cigarette.
Saitou: Ahou ga.
Hiko addresses Sanosuke.
Hiko: And you say my baka deshi's the featured attraction in this little production?
Sanosuke: Yup. He'll be out here in a minute.
Hiko gives his patented "how I love to see my idiot pupil suffer" grin.
Hiko: I'll be happy to join you, then. His grin morphs into his patented "genius" smile. But I won't be responsible if I end up stealing the show.
Sanosuke: Hey, the more of us there are, the better. Speaking of which... Oi, you guys! We ain't got all day!
In saunters Kamatari, in a tight-fitting police uniform, dragging a struggling Kenshin behind him.
Kamatari: Konnichi wa, minna! Let's get this show on the road! Check out our stylin' star!
Kamatari releases a flustered Kenshin, who's wearing a police uniform that's a size too large with his hair tucked up inside a uniform cap.
Kenshin: Sano... really... Kaoru-dono will kill us both if we go through with this!
Sanosuke: Yeah, yeah, what else is new? He walks around Kenshin, assessing. Hmm... we'll need to roll those pants up. Ah, hell, like it matters... he'll be taking them off anyway.
Soujirou joins Sanosuke in his circuit.
Soujirou: So... he takes the cap off and his hair comes down. Nice touch, Kamatari-san!
Kamatari pinches Kenshin's cheek, ignoring Kenshin's squawk of protest.
Kamatari: Isn't he just the cutest thing? He releases Kenshin and claps his hands. Now, let's see what ya got, boys... line up and let's take it all off!
Chou: Wait a minute! I'm not doing some striptease with him around!
Kamatari cocks his hip and flashes a feline smile.
Kamatari: What's the matter, Chou-kun? Afraid you won't measure up to me?
Chou (snarls): You bastard! I'll show you who measures up... Where the hell's my sword?
Soujirou separates the two, smiling all the while.
Soujirou: Maa, maa... calm down! We agreed... no swords on stage, remember?
Sanosuke (winks): Yeah, the ladies aren't coming to look at those swords. He rustles some papers. Now, we're still waiting for Aoshi...
Everyone except Sanosuke, Saitou and Hiko face-faults. Saitou calmly blows a smoke ring, and Hiko raises one eyebrow.
Everyone else: Sh- Shinomori Aoshi?!
Kenshin: No way! You got Aoshi to agree to this?
Sanosuke: Not me.
Sanosuke points at Saitou, who blows another smoke ring before responding.
Saitou: I didn't do anything. Shinomori asked me if he could participate.
Just then, Aoshi walks in, wearing a well-fitting police uniform and no particular expression on his face. Kamatari swoons and whistles sharply.
Kamatari: My, my Aoshi-sama! Is it me, or did it just get hot in here?
Aoshi sweatdrops.
Sanosuke: Good, you're just in time. He hops onstage. All right, men! We've got 24 hours to get this down. Kenshin's in front... we all line up behind him... tallest in the middle, shortest at the ends.
The men all follow his instructions. Sanosuke frowns as he counts them up.
Sanosuke: Crap. We're lopsided... three on one side, four on the other. Too bad we don't have one more guy --
A familiar voice interrupts.
Voice: May I join you?
There is another mass face-fault as Yukishiro Enishi enters the room wearing a police uniform, his earring and sunglasses. Kenshin narrows his eyes and absently reaches for his nonexistent sword.
Kenshin: Enishi. Are you here to complete your Jinchuu?
Enishi shrugs.
Enishi: To hell with Jinchuu... I need some cash. Residuals from those OVAs only go so far. Am I in?
Kamatari: Hmm... he's pretty cute, from what I can tell. He walks up to Enishi and snatches away his glasses. Mmm, now that's more like it! He turns and smiles at the men onstage. What do you think, guys?
Sanosuke addresses Kenshin in a low voice.
Sanosuke: Hey, Kenshin, do you mind? I know he tried to kill you and Jou-chan and all... but he would balance out the other side.
Kenshin throws up his hands.
Kenshin: What's the difference? Nearly everybody up here has tried to kill me at some point or another... including you.
Sanosuke (sheepishly): Guess you have a point there. He addresses Enishi. All right, psycho-boy... come on up. You can stand next to Chou.
...
Later... it's well past dinner-time and the men are squabbling.
Sanosuke: Wait, wait, cut! Dammit, Soujirou, you're messing up the count again! You gotta slow down!
Soujirou gives a little embarrassed laugh with his hand behind his head.
Soujirou: Sorry about that, minna-san.
Sanosuke (grumbles): Damned god-speed... and Kenshin, you're almost as bad! The rest of us can't keep up with you two.
Hiko (loftily): Speak for yourself, rooster-boy. Who you think taught the little moron how to move that fast?
Sanosuke and Kenshin exchange eyerolls.
Sanosuke: The point is, we've got to try to work together here. Otherwise we'll end up stepping all over each other. Aoshi and Kamatari have been keeping time pretty well... we should try to match their pace.
Kamatari (winks): Hear that, Aoshi-sama? We make a pretty good team, ne?
Aoshi stares expressionlessly at Kamatari for a moment, then turns his attention back to Sanosuke.
Sanosuke: You know, this would be a lot easier if we had the music. Oi, Saitou... weren't you supposed to take care of that?
Saitou: Ahou. It's done. The musicians should be hear any minute.
Sanosuke: All right, then. While we're waiting, we may as well run through it again. Remember, Soujirou, Kenshin... slow down. And Kenshin, you need to loosen up... relax. You know... act sexy.
Sanosuke ponders for a moment, then brightens.
Sanosuke: I know! Pretend you're dancing with Jou-chan --
Kenshin (blushing): Sano...
Sanosuke: Heh heh. Yeah, right... probably not a good idea. That'll get you a little too motivated...
Kenshin (beet-red): SANO!
Everyone laughs at Kenshin, except Soujirou, who keeps smiling in that clueless, endearing way of his; Aoshi, who remains void of expression; and Saitou, who scowls as he drops his cigarette stub and steps on it.
Saitou: If you idiots are finished mocking the Battousai... shall we continue?
Sanosuke: Sure, sure... okay, line up, you guys! And one, and two, and three...
The men start their routine facing front. They do a few steps, then turn to the side... do a few steps while unbuttoning the top few buttons of their jackets... then look over one shoulder at the "audience," sliding their jackets down so they each bare the shoulder facing the audience... do a side-step shimmy, rolling the shoulder that's been uncovered... then another few steps while pushing the jacket back up their shoulders and unbuttoning the rest of it... while the other men turn their backs to the audience, Kenshin takes off his cap, sending his loose hair spilling down his shoulders... tossing his head and throwing the cap aside, he turns away from the audience and stands, like the others, with his feet spread apart. They all look to the left, sliding their jackets off their left shoulders... then to the right, sliding the jacket off that shoulder... they flex their shoulder and upper back muscles, doing some footwork and hip/butt-shaking... then slide the jackets off and toss them offstage.
A chorus of wolf-whistles and catcalls breaks the silence. The routine comes to a screeching halt, with the men crashing into each other and Kenshin "oro-ing" as he falls off the stage.
Voice: Now, now, ladies... that's enough. Stop ogling those poor boys and set up your instruments, please.
The men stare at the speaker... who is none other than...
Saitou: Ah, Tokio. I see you found us some musicians.
Saitou jumps offstage and pauses to regard the six young women, who are studying the bare-chested men onstage with undisguised interest. A look of profound irritation crosses his face.
Saitou (whispers): Tokio, couldn't you find someone besides your cursed Takagi relatives to do this?
Tokio smiles serenely at her husband.
Tokio: I'm sorry, Hajime... but they insisted. Besides, you didn't give me much notice... and they're all coming tomorrow night, anyway.
Saitou: Hmph. So now I get to make a complete fool of myself in front of your entire family, as well as all the women in Tokyo. He shakes his head. The things I do for you...
Tokio: Don't worry, Hajime... I've given very specific instructions to my relatives. Her eyes glint wickedly. They're to leave you alone... the others are all fair game.
Saitou pauses, then matches his wife's evil grin.
Saitou: Perhaps this will be enjoyable after all...
Tokio turns and waves at Saitou.
Tokio: Don't let me keep you from your rehersal, dear. She looks over her shoulder and raises one eyebrow suggestively. You know how much I like watching you... take it off.
Saitou turns back toward the stage, a faint blush on his cheeks.
...
Scene: the big night! Backstage, the men are restless.
Kamatari: Oi, Hiko! Stop hogging the mirror!
Hiko checks his perfectly white, straight teeth for the thousandth time.
Hiko: Feh. Make me, girly-man.
Kamatari flutters his eyelashes at Hiko.
Kamatari: Hey, we can't all be tall, strong hunks like you. C'mon, shove over and let a man primp, will ya?
Chou peeks out at the audience.
Chou: Damn! Look at all those babes... all here to see us. He rubs his hands together with a chuckle. I'm bound to score tonight!
Sanosuke: Calm down, broom-head... we gotta finish the show first. Ten minutes, men! Oi, Soujirou, have you seen Kenshin?
Soujirou smiles sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck.
Soujirou: Ara... I was just coming to tell you... we might have a problem.
Sanosuke grabs Soujirou by the shoulders.
Sanosuke: Soujirou... there can be no problems ten minutes before showtime. Where is he?
Soujirou: Back there. He smiles brightly. We can go on without him, ne, Sagara-san?
Sanosuke: Goddammit...
He mutters several more curses as he ducks behind another curtain. Kenshin is sitting hunched over in a corner, hair down, his arms wrapped around his knees, shaking his head emphatically as Aoshi and Saitou try to reason with him.
Kenshin: You don't understand... I can't go through with this! Not now...
Saitou: Battousai. You've faced death and worse... and you're telling me you can't face this?
Aoshi: Saitou's right. You're the one known as the strongest... you have to go out there and prove it.
Sanosuke throws his arm over Kenshin's shoulders.
Sanosuke: Na, Kenshin... a little stage-fright is perfectly normal. You'll get over it. C'mon, let's get your hair fixed... it's almost time to go on.
Kenshin: I am not going out there, Sano.
Sanosuke pulls Kenshin up by the front of his jacket and shakes him.
Sanosuke: Dammit, Kenshin, you have to! That mob'll get ugly if you don't! And Shishio's got nothing on a pack of angry fangirls... especially after a few cups of sake.
Kenshin: I can't, Sano! K- K- K-
Sanosuke: Spit it out, Kenshin!
Saitou rolls his eyes and waves his cigarette toward the curtain.
Saitou: What the Battousai is trying to say is... Kamiya Kaoru's in the audience. Front and center. With all her little friends.
Aoshi: Excuse me. Did you say... all her friends?
Saitou smirks and takes another drag as Aoshi pales and tugs on his collar. Sanosuke releases Kenshin and smooths the wrinkles out of his jacket.
Sanosuke: Is that all this is about? Of course Jou-chan's here! She's probably loaded already, too... lightweight that she is.
Kenshin: Well, then you understand why I can't... you know... with her there.
Sanosuke stares at Kenshin with a mix of astonishment and affronted macho pride.
Sanosuke: You mean to tell me you're afraid to strip in front of her? Shit, Kenshin, I think you've been doing too much laundry. Are you a man or what?
Kenshin (indignant): Of course I'm a man! But... but...
Sanosuke: No buts! You and Jou-chan have been tiptoeing around this man/woman thing for too long. This is the perfect night for you to change all that. Get out there and show her exactly what kind of man you are, Kenshin! You'll have her falling at your feet before the night is through, I promise you.
Kenshin (blushing): This wasn't exactly the kind of courtship I had in mind, Sano.
Sanosuke: Kenshin, at the rate your courtship is progressing, Yahiko'll be married before you two! Something drastic is just what you need to speed things up... trust Sanosuke the Love-Sensei on this one, okay?
Kenshin sweatdrops. Saitou snorts and refrains from commenting. Aoshi stands and regards Kenshin calmly.
Aoshi: It's nearly time. Are you ready, Battousai?
Kenshin (voice shaking): I think so. Where's my cap?
Sanosuke: That's it! Gambare, Kenshin!
Kamatari grabs Kenshin's hand and drags him over to the mirror.
Kamatari: Don't worry, Ken-chan! I'll get you fixed up in no time.
Soujirou: Five minutes, minna-san!
Sanosuke: Where the hell is our announcer? Katsu! Get over here, baka-yarou!
Katsu shoves the curtain aside and glowers at Sanosuke.
Katsu: Oi, baka-yarou. I'm right here... no need to shout. I'm ready when you guys are.
Soujirou: Three minutes!
...
Meanwhile, the audience is getting very restless. At a table in the front row...
Misao (slurring): Oi! What are you guys waiting for? She bangs the table with the empty sake jug. C'mon, c'mon... we wanna see you get naked!
Kaoru (blushing): Misao-chan! That's not why we're here!
Misao rolls her eyes at Kaoru.
Misao: Yeah, right. She lowers her voice suggestively. Tell me you're not dying to see Himura take off his clothes. Slowly. Right in front of you.
Kaoru (beet-red): Misao-chan! I'm here to protect Kenshin from these... hussies... who would actually pay money to see men strip. It's degrading, I tell you!
Megumi (dryly): Not to mention improper. She flashes her foxy grin. I can hardly wait!
Misao: Ne, Kaoru-san... if you're not here to see Himura strip, then what're you gonna do when he starts? Close your eyes?
Kaoru (flustered): Y- yes, of course! I would never... watch Kenshin...
Megumi's eyes glint with mischief as Kaoru stammers to a halt.
Megumi: Such a pity. You'll miss a great show. Me, I intend to watch every minute of Ken-san's performance. Ohohohoho!
Kaoru (growls): Megumi-san! You both have to shut your eyes, too! It's only fair!
Misao folds her arms and shakes her head vigorously.
Misao: Nope, no way, no how! I'm not missing this for anything! She yells at the curtain. Aoshi-samaaaaaa! I'm waaaaaiting!
Megumi (grimaces): Good grief, she's a loud drunk. Kaoru-san, you've barely touched your sake. You should at least finish your cup.
Kaoru folds her hands primly on the table-top.
Kaoru: No, thank you. I want to keep my head clear tonight.
Megumi: How boring. No drinking, no watching the men. She cocks an eyebrow at Kaoru. Maybe you should just go home to bed, little girl.
Kaoru (scowls): What's that supposed to mean?
Megumi: Well, it's obvious you're too immature to appreciate this sort of... adult... entertainment. Ken-san obviously approves, otherwise he wouldn't be taking part in it. She grins. And if Ken-san approves... I certainly do. She pulls out a yen note. So I'll be the one to cheer him on instead.
Misao: Oh, I forgot about that! She rummages around inside her sash and comes up with a wrinkled yen note. Teehee! For my beloved Aoshi-sama! Of course, he'll have to get close enough to get it from me.
Misao swoons as Kaoru eyes the money nervously.
Kaoru: What exactly are those for?
Megumi: Tipping the dancers. Tradition demands the women in the audience place money in their favorite dancer's fundoshi. She flashes Kaoru a challenging smile. Guess who gets my tip?
Kaoru (hopefully): Ano... Sanosuke?
Megumi: Heh. Don't you wish!
Kaoru (roars): ME-GU-MI-SAN!
Kaoru and Megumi stare daggers at each other while Misao sweatdrops.
Misao: Wait, wait... I have a suggestion! She pushes the now-refilled sake jug toward them. A challenge... for the right to tip Himura. First one to pass out loses.
Kaoru: Okay, I'm in. What about you, Fox Lady?
Megumi tosses her hair.
Megumi: I'm game. Should be an easy win for me.
Kaoru (snarls): Don't count me out so easily!
Kaoru grabs her nearly full cup and swigs it down. While she is occupied, Megumi whispers to Misao.
Megumi: Way to go... that should loosen her up. If she doesn't fall over first.
Misao (whispers): Told ya you could count on me! Now, pretend you had too much...
Megumi (whispers): No... it's too soon. She'll get suspicious. She addresses Kaoru in a normal voice. My turn, tanuki girl!
Megumi pours another cup and drains it. Meanwhile, a few tables away...
Tokio: My goodness! She fans herself slowly. This is quite a turnout. I hope it doesn't scare off our performers.
Asuko (snickers): Feh. You're just hoping that cantankerous husband of yours doesn't skip out at the last minute. It'd be just like him to say to hell with all this silliness.
Tokio: I'm afraid that won't happen. Once Hajime gives me his word, he never breaks it.
Asuko: Hmph. We'll see. The old woman's eyes brighten. As for me, I'm looking forward to seeing my boy Seijuurou. He always was a handsome devil.
Risako (dryly): And an exhibitionist at heart. I'm surprised his ego leaves room for anyone else up there.
Tokio: Now, Risako...
Maki (chuckles): You have to admit it's true, sister. She addresses Risako. And you have to admit Seijuurou has reason to be confident.
Risako (scowls): I admit nothing of the kind. Still, I suppose this little farce will be amusing, if nothing else.
Maki: Oh, I expect to be thoroughly entertained. She smiles wickedly. I'm very much looking forward to seeing the star of the show. He's grown up well, don't you think, Risako?
Risako stares stonily at Maki. Tokio uses her fan to hide her smile.
Tokio: Maki, dear... don't tease your niece.
Yuka (giggling): My, this is such fun! The sight of all the youngsters enjoying themselves like this makes me feel young again.
Asuko raises an eyebrow at Yuka.
Asuko: Let me guess. Young enough to tuck some yen-notes in the fundoshi of that strapping young okashira you're so fond of?
Yuka merely giggles.
Risako: I still can't believe you got Shinomori Aoshi to agree to this. He's the last person I'd expect to participate in this kind of escapade.
Yuka (slyly): Let's just say Shinomori-san owes me a favor.
Asuko: Heh. I'd think you could come up with a better method of repayment than this silliness, Yuka.
Yuka laughs in protest.
Yuka: Oh, Asuko, you're too much!
The lanterns suddenly dim, eliciting a roar of approval from the female audience. Katsu stalks out onto the stage, staring unsmilingly at the raucous crowd, who immediately start shrieking and chanting, "Take it off! Take it off!" Katsu ignores them and clears his throat, reading off a piece of paper in his hand.
Katsu: And now... for your viewing pleasure... Himura Kenshin and friends perform "The Meiji-Era Full Monty!"
He dashes offstage as the audience goes wild, showering the stage with yen-notes. As the music starts, the performers take the stage, driving the audience to a new level of frenzy. Kenshin takes his place center-stage... and pales as he sees Kaoru sitting at the table right in front of him. He gives her a tremulous smile.
Kenshin: Eeto... k- konbanwa, Kaoru-dono.
Kaoru positively beams at Kenshin.
Kaoru (slurs): Keeeenshiiiiiin! She waves a yen-note at him. I'm ready when you are! Dance for me, baby!
Kenshin (blinks): Oro...?
Sanosuke: Hah, Kenshin! Didn't I tell you? She wants you, man! Don't lose confidence now!
Kenshin (gulps): Right. He nods to the musicians. Let's do it.
-- Go to Part 2! --