Spoofers, I don't appreciate being being told that FFN's bugs are my fault. Yes, I do want things like that being brought to my attention, but the way you did so made me feel like you were questioning my intellegence. At any rate, the problem has been fixed, though it was not my fault. I don't know why it did, but the uploading system at the title of the story, something I've never experienced before on FFN. I've had summaries eaten, but never titles.
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The lyrics are borrowed from a song by the ever talented (and lyrical genius) Hyde, whose lyrics I've used once before for a HP songfic. I don't think I strayed very far from what he himself wrote the song about, or rather, for; it's about the death of a friend's spouse, so I stayed with that idea to some extent.
I don't own Harry Potter, or Hyde, or Hyde's lyrics (I wish I could write the way he does...), nor do I own anything J.K. Rowling has written (no one else but her should want to be responsible for something as frighteningly large as the Harry Potter universe). So don't try to sue me, kay?
italics = lyrics
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I lie awake beside the windowsill
Like a flower in a vase
A moment caught in glass
He found himself awake, even into the early hours of the morning that August day. Slumped against the veranda window of the once decadent house, he wondered what had lead him there. It had been a long night, one accompanied by a full moon and he had not taken his potion before night fell. He had wandered, unaware of himself or where he was going. Lying by the window as he now was, he forced himself not to think of what horrible deeds he might have done while the moon had been out. Even now, he knew it was foolish to be near an unshuttered window; it was still dark outside, and the clouds might clear at any moment. But the window weighed him done so much with thought that he couldn't bare to leave it.
The rays of sunlight come and beckon me
To a sleepy dreamy haze
A sense of summer days
But the clouds did not clear. They stayed as they were, even as the sun began to rise. The moon vanished, and he felt his mind awaken more, as his body begged for rest. He pulled himself into a more proper sitting position, his body complaining as he did. He'd sat here, many a time the summer before. Not alone, and not unexpected as he had this particular night, but with a friend, with Sirius. He missed those nights; it had been a brief period of revival in their relationship, one that both had awaited for nearly fifteen years. And it had been much too short for Remus's liking.
If only I could stop the flow of time
Turn the clock to yesterday
Erasing all the pain
He would go back to those days, if he could have only one wish. As wrapped in uncertainty and fear as they had been, the moments since had been far worse and things didn't seem to be getting better. Ah, if he could sit by this window with Sirius forever, he would never again want for anything. But he couldn't, and as much as he hadn't wanted to just let every horrible thing he'd seen since consume him, his memory of Sirius wouldn't let him. As little as he had left, he had decided he would live the way Sirius had wanted to, almost letting his friend's memory live on through his own actions.
I've only memories of happiness
Such pleasure we have shared
I'd do it all again
After all, Sirius would have wanted that for him, wouldn't he? After everything they'd been through, and as much as he wanted it all back, Remus knew Sirius would have done everything precisely the same way given the chance to do it over. Sirius had never been one to overlook the good for the bad, and had somehow always managed to get out of every truly horrible situation he'd ever been in. He escaped his family, and he'd escaped Azkaban. Perhaps, Remus wondered, he might even escape death someday.
This scenery is evergreen
As buds turn into leaves, the colours live and breathe
This scenery is evergreen
Your tears are falling silently
But for now, nothing would change. The world would continue to turn, Sirius or no. Fall would come, and then the snows of winter. And then spring would come again, and with it, Remus hoped, a new era. Whether that new era would be good or bad, the dates had yet to say. But until then, everything would stay the same, and the tears that Sirius had passed to him would continue to fall, whether from his own eyes or from the others he'd left behind. Remus hoped that spring would be a welcome one, though. He couldn't imagine a spring in with darkness would bloom. Spring reminded him of Sirius now, and he didn't want the memory of his friend's death laced with the birth of an era that was anything but beautiful.
So full of joy, you are a child of spring
With a beauty that is pure
An innocence endures
He wanted his memories of each anniversary of his friend's death to be good, something he would want to remember. Sirius would want them to be smiling, to remember his life and that it just so happened to end as spring was in full bloom. He had died in the way he had lived, in an unusual manner that was deceptively impressive. Not many people had passed on the way he had, which made the simple act that it had been impressive. And that was a beautiful irony, Remus thought. And he had died innocent, a goal he had thought he wouldn't accomplish by the time the war would be over. And Remus knew how very important that had been to his friend; even if no one could prove he had been there, and he was never publicly cleared, those who truly cared all knew the truth. Sirius had no regrets at the time of his death, and not many people Remus knew could say that about their lives at that moment, including himself.
You flow right through me like a medicine
Bringing quiet to my soul
Without you I'm not whole
But he would always have regrets, now that he was alone. He would never again have friends as close as James and Sirius had been, and he doubted he would ever love anyone as much as he had loved them. But he wasn't unhappy. He had his memories, and those kept him sane. No, as long as he still had people to care about, even if not to the same degree as James or Sirius, he would still have enough reason to live. James and Sirius were still a part of him, and he wouldn't have wanted a life with out them, especially Sirius. James had been gone for so long that hole he had left in Remus's life had all but vanished in the last fifteen years. It had been filled by new feelings and people, most prominently Harry. And he had been closer to Sirius than to James, even for all the falling outs they'd had over the years. He couldn't explain why, as the two of them couldn't have been more different- or was that maybe it? He just knew that loosing Sirius hurt much more than loosing James had.
This scenery is evergreen
I need you far too much, I long to feel your touch
This scenery is evergreen
You've always been so dear to me
It was a hurt that would never go away, and would probably never change. Maybe it was because he had been given more time with Sirius, but he had needed him more than he had ever needed James. He had been more alone at the time of James's death, and the circumstances had been so horrible he found himself surprised by how much losing Sirius hurt by comparison. It almost felt like he was insulting James's memory by the pain he felt from losing Sirius, but he knew James would tell him he had the right to feel however he wanted about their memories. It wasn't something he could change, after all. No one could help how they felt, not really, and he knew now that no one had ever been or would as important to him as Sirius was.
This scenery is evergreen
It sorrows at the sight of seeing you so sad
This scenery is evergreen
I wish that I could dry your tears
It was becoming increasingly clear as to why the world around him didn't seem to change. It would stay cold and unchanging until his sorrow was gone, but that was something he found he couldn't control. Sometimes he wondered if he wanted the sorrow to end, and found that it brought a reality to his life that he'd been sorely needing. With the sorrow came the occasional rush of tears, tears that never seemed to be his. They were tears he cried for Sirius, for all the things he never said and all the things he never did. Even thought he died with no regrets, there were things he never lived long enough to do.
The bells have rung, the time has come
I cannot find the words to say my last goodbye
This scenery is evergreen
You've always been so dear to me
It had been two months now, since Sirius had passed through that gate, but Remus had not actually faced it until now; he'd accepted it, but that came to him easily after dealing with death so many times. But facing all the memories, and forcing himself to only remember good things, and to actually say a farewell to Sirius was proving extremely difficult. How does one send someone off forever and tell them how much they love them all at once? It was so awkward, and he wondered if Sirius was laughing at him, watching him fumble his way through these thoughts. As irritating as the thought was, it made him smile...
...And it made him realize that he didn't see to say "goodbye". Sirius would never be gone as long he could still make Remus Smile, and you didn't say goodbye to people who weren't going anywhere, did you? No, Remus reasoned, you didn't.