Sweeney in Seven
MUSIC NEEDED: No Place Like London, There was a Barber and his Wife, A Little Priest, By The Sea, Ending
(Antony and Sweeney Todd walk slowly through the streets of London; Mrs. Lovett is in her pie shop, cooking.)
ANTONY: (sing)
I have sailed the world
Beheld its wonders
From the dardinells,
To the mountains of Peru,
But there's no place like London!
TODD: (monotone) No place like London…
ANTONY: (stiffles a laugh)
TODD: What, I never said I could sing!
ANTONY: Oh, why the long face, Mr. Todd?
TODD: This place sucks.
ANTONY: What?!
TODD: You heard me.
ANTONY: Well, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
TODD: SHUT UP!!!
ANTONY: Fine, gosh. Oh, look, a hot blonde! Dibs!
(Antony exits)
ANTONY: (from offstage; sing) Can I feel you,Johanna!
JOHANNA: (can be sung by Lucy) Ew, freak!
TODD: Psh… kids these days. Oh, look, a pie shop! (runs over)
LOVETT: Oh, a customer! (hugs him)
TODD: Ehem…?
LOVETT: Sorry, its just that no one likes my pies these days. 'Cause they're (sings) The worst pies in London! (stops singing) You may have seen our commercial.
TODD: Catchy jingle.
LOVETT: (tries to restrain herself, but can't manage and hugs him again) I think we're going to be good friends, Mr…
TODD: Todd. Sweeney Todd.
LOVETT: (imitates his tone) Lovett. Mrs. Lovett. (laughs) You're funny, Mr. Todd! Wanna live with me?
TODD: Oh. Um…
LOVETT: Great! You're room can be right over here… (pushes him to the other side of the shop) There we go. Nice, isn't it?
TODD: It's…the same room.
LOVETT: Yeah, we're a bit scarce in space around here. (shoves the pies off the table) But the table's quite comfy!
TODD: I'm sure… (sees a knife) Oooohh…shiny!
LOVETT: Oh, you can have that old thing if you want, Mr. Todd. Just something an old boyfriend of mine gave me. He was a barber. I use it to trim the pie crusts sometimes, but any other knife works just as good.
TODD: (to knife) My friend…
LOVETT: Okay… that's nice. I'm your friend too, right? Right? Mr. Todd? Yoohoo!
(Antony runs in)
ANTONY: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd, you must help me! The beautiful blonde I was talking about before is locked up with a freaking psycho judge guy who's convinced he looks young enough to marry her! I mean, she's obviously crazy, the girl sings to birds for Christ's sake! But she's hot! Please, Mr. Todd, help me!
LOVETT: Oh, you talking about Johanna?
ANTONY: Yes! That's her name!
LOVETT: Yes, Judge Turpin adopted her.
TODD: Turpin? Did you say Turpin?
LOVETT: I did. Heard of him?
TODD: (unconvincingly) I have not heard of such a man of that sort…ever in my life. Never. Not at all.
LOVETT: Really…
ANTONY: So you'll help me?
TODD: We'll fetch your love, Antony, I promise you that.
ANTONY: Thank you Mr. Todd!
(Antony exits)
TODD: So…um…whatever became of young Johanna's parents?
LOVETT: Well… (sings)
There was a barber and his wife
And he was beautiful
A proper artist with a knife
But they…
TODD: Would it be so much trouble not to sing?
LOVETT: Yes. (starts to continue, but Todd gives her a look) Fine then, Mr. Grumpy. Basically, Judge Turpin was obsessed with the girl's mother, so he sent her father, Benjamin Barker away on false charges so she could be his. Then, she… poisoned herself. The judge has been caring for Johanna ever since. And now, obviously, he plans to marry her.
TODD: (unconvincingly) What a shame. Oh, I have never in my life heard such a story.
LOVETT: So it's you then? Benjamin Barker?
TODD: Not anymore! It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd.
LOVETT: Yeah, yeah I got that. (smiles at him) Well, it's such a nice day out, shall we go into town?
TODD: I don't know if…
LOVETT: (takes him by the arm) Great! Let's go!
(Pirelli walks up)
PIRELLI: I am Pirelli! I am the master of shaving! I am better than all the world!
TODD: AAAHHH!!! (slits Pirelli's throat with the knife)
LOVETT: Mr. Todd! (looks around frantically) Come on, take him in here.
(They drag him into the pie shop and put him under the table)
LOVETT: What did you think you were doing?
TODD: I'm the best barber. I'm the master of shaving.
LOVETT: Well, that's just great. But you didn't have to kill him!
TODD: I was practicing.
LOVETT: What?!
TODD: I must kill the judge.
LOVETT: Oh God…
TODD: I must!
LOVETT: Fine then… but now we got a body molding away right there. What do you intend we should do about that thing?
TODD: Later on, when it's dark, we take it to some secret place and burry it.
LOVETT: Well, yeah. Of course we could do that. Don't suppose he's got any relatives gonna come poking around looking for him. (sings) Seems a downright shame.
TODD: (obviously annoyed by her singing) Shame…?
LOVETT: (sings)
Seems an awful waste.
Such a nice plump frame,
What's his name has…
Had…?
Has. Nor it can't be traced.
Business needs a lift.
Debts to be erased.
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift.
No?
Seems an awful waste…
I mean,
With the price of meat what it is
When you get it,
If you get it.
TODD: Ah!
LOVETT: (sings)
Good, you got it.
Take for instance Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop.
Business never better using only pussycats and toast.
Now a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most,
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!
TODD: Mrs. Lovett, you are officially a bloody genius! Haha, putting him in a pie!
LOVETT: Not just him! All the people you want to practice on! Maybe the priest next. (squeals and hugs him) Oh, this is gonna go just smoothly.
TODD: And then we get to kill the judge!
LOVETT: (rolls her eyes) Yes, and then we kill the judge.
TODD: YIPEE!!!
LOVETT: Now, come on, I've got a picnic set up!
(Antony sets out a picnic blanket and basket quickly at the other side of the stage)
TODD: Where the heck did you get the time to set up a picnic?
LOVETT: (pushes him to a seating position and sits beside him; sing)
Oh, Mr. Todd, (kiss)
I'm so happy, (kiss)
I could eat you up
I really could
You know what I want to do,
Mr. Todd? (kiss)
What I dream? (kiss)
If the business stays as good,
Where I'd really like to go
In a year or so
Don't you wanna know.
TODD: No.
LOVETT: (smiles, as if he said yes; sings) Do you really wanna know?
TODD: I said no!
LOVETT: (sings)
By the sea, Mr. Todd,
That's the life I covet,
By the see, Mr. Todd,
Oh I know you'd love it!
You and me, Mr. T…
TODD: Stop! Stop with the rhyming! And the singing!
(A homeless lady limps over towards the two)
LADY: (sing) Beadle-deadle-deadle-deadle-deadle-deadle- dumpling, beadle-deadle-deadle-deadle-deadle-deadle- dumpling. (stops singing) Don't I know you, sir?
TODD: AAHHH!!! (slits her throat with the knife)
LOVETT: NO!
TODD: (looks at her) What?
LOVETT: (looks from Todd to the lady several times) Uh…nothing… come on, let's get rid of her.
TODD: Yes. (bends down to pick her up)
LOVETT: Wait! No!
TODD: What?!
(Judge Turpin walks up to Todd)
JUDGE: Hello, my name is Judge Turpin, I was wondering, do you know where the nearest bathroom is. I saw some (sings) pretty women (stops singing) near there and…
TODD: (slits the judge's throat, then turns back to Mrs. Lovett as if nothing happened)
LOVETT: I need to make some pies right now! Um… yeah, I have a huge pie craving! Well, I'm gonna go ahead and throw her in the furnace so you can get on that… why don't you go get a drop of ale.
TODD: Go open the furnace.
LOVETT: I said I'll…
TODD: OPEN IT!!! (shoves her)
LOVETT: (frightfully, she walks over towards the wings and opens the furnace)
TODD: (goes to lift up the lady, then sees her face and recognizes it; he brushes her hair out of her face) It's…it's Lucy. My wife.
LOVETT: Psh…no…no it's not! Oh! She looks a good deal like her, that's funny, but that's not her!
TODD: (glares at Mrs. Lovett) Don't I know you, she said. You lied to me.
LOVETT: (sings)
No, no not lied at all
No, I never lied
Said she took the poison
She did
Never said that she died
Poor thing!
TODD: STOP! Stop with the singing!
LOVETT: I was only thinking of you. I…I love you.
TODD: (menacingly inches closer to her as she steps back, closer to the furnace) You love me?
LOVETT: I do. We could still be married. (sings) By the… (stops singing) In a house by the sea.
(By now, Mrs. Lovett is right in front of the furnace, but she doesn't notice; they stop moving)
TODD: Of course! Forgive and forget, I always say!
LOVETT: Really?
TODD: No. (slits her throat)
(Mrs. Lovett screams and clutches her throat, instantly dying; Mr. Todd pushes her into the furnace. He goes to sit with Lucy. He waits for a second, then looks behind him, scanning for someone expectedly. When he sees nothing, he turns back around. Suddenly, he flinches, as if something is about to happen, but nothing does. He looks behind him again. He turns back around and rolls his eyes.)
TODD: Where the heck is Toby? He's supposed to kill me now!
LOVETT: (from offstage) Uh….Toby, where are you, love?
ANTONY: (from offstage) He's not even in this!
TODD: What?!
ANTONY: Don't yell at me, she wrote it!
LOVETT: Hey! It would have taken up so much time, adding Toby! We'd have to do the elixir song, then the (sings) Nothing's gonna harm you…
TODD: Well, at least I would have an appropriate death.
ANTONY: Too late.
TODD: Well, what am I supposed to do now?
ANTONY: Umm…die?
TODD: How?! Who's gonna kill me?
LOVETT: Just…die! On your own. Oh, and make it dramatic!
TODD: (rolls his eyes, then suddenly clutches his heart and dramatically flails his body all around as if in great exaggerated pain for at least 20 seconds)
LOVETT: Not that dramatic!
(Todd dies instantly)
THE END