"Here Without You"

Jack ran a hand through his silver-grey hair, sighing deeply and then rubbing his eyes tiredly. He was always tired these days. Always so world-weary.

It wasn't the tired of too little sleep or too much stress, just a tiredness of life. Of living. Of going on, day after painful, empty day.

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same

Jack stared at the bright monitor a moment longer before typing out another sentence. He'd been working on the mission report for the last hour, and frankly, he was tired of that too.

Missions gone wrong, that is.

This mission was to have been a simple 'go through the Stargate, meet the natives and come home' type of thing. Jack should have known, after all these years, that missions were never ever that easy.

But all the miles that separate
They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face

There had been a temple—Aztec in design, Jonas said. He explained that while the inscriptions on the walls had been familiar from some of Dr. Jackson's notes, he needed the reference to find out what they said.

Meanwhile, the natives seemed kind enough and more than happy to share. They were given a royal feast in honor of the "Guest from Beyond". They were sent to beds so plush Jack had never been in better and hoped that maybe they'd be able to take one home.

Then, in the middle of the night, they were drugged and taken to the temple. When they woke, they were told they were going to be sacrifices to the natives' god, Quetzalcoatl. Jonas had gone pale, saying that the ancient Aztecs (from what he had read) would tear out the beating heart of a live human, and offer the sacrifice to their god. Quetzalcoatl.

They had escaped, hearts in-tact, but barely.

If Danny were still here, he would have been able to read the inscriptions on the temple wall and we would have left right away, Jack thought. While Jonas might be smart, clever, intuitive and resourceful, Daniel was irreplaceable.

I'm here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

After Daniel died, Jack had been infuriated that the General had tried to replace him. As if the soul, once ripped from the body, could be replaced by some random thing. Finally, though, when the Russians threatened to put in a Russian replacement, Jack thought, I hope they know where to shove it! and submitted Jonas as a recommendation for the team instead. At least he wasn't a friggin' Russian.

Still, Jack thought, finishing off the report, I miss Daniel.

Jack missed Daniel—and understatement. Of all time. Some mornings, Jack felt like he couldn't get up in the morning without Daniel next to him in bed. He felt, sometimes, that life had lost its meaning. He felt like he did after Charlie had died—lost, confused, angry, hurt, desolate, guilty, empty.

The only thing that kept him going those times was the fact that Daniel wasn't dead dead. He had just—what was it?—ascended to a higher plane of existence. He was still out there. Jack knew it.

But that didn't stop the archaeologist's absence from killing him slowly inside.

I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

Every night he dreamed of Daniel. Sometimes, he'd see the man wrapped in white bandages, lying on a hospital bed, waiting patiently for death. Saw the fight leave the man who never gave up at the inevitability of the event.

Other times, more often now, he'd wake cold, sweating and aching in more ways than one for the younger man.

The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

The next day Jack trudged into base, worn and not ashamed or afraid to show it. He had had a different dream that night: Daniel was there, and he told Jack that he was fine. He was having an incredible journey, and how was he? Jack tried to say he was fine, but some of his world-weariness must have leaked into the realistic dream and Daniel didn't believe him. So Jack told him the truth: he missed Daniel so much it hurt, Janet was worried because he was losing weight (not eating much, he admitted), that some days he wondered if maybe it would have been easier to just shoot himself that day in Charlie's bedroom. Jack told Daniel that he was tired of having to pretend to be fine, that he didn't know how much longer he could hold up until he lost his purchase on reality. Told him he was dying. And when he was done, Daniel had said, "You can't die, Jack. People need you; people love you. I love you. Don't die." He'd sworn he'd try, and then he'd awoken.

Now he sat in the mess hall, picking at food, because he'd promised he wouldn't die.

But he wasn't living either, and when Sam came in she said, "You look like hell, sir. Maybe you should ask the General for some leave."

"No, Carter. I'm fine," Jack replied. Because he didn't want her to worry about something she couldn't change.

He wasn't living. He was surviving, because Daniel, real or not, wouldn't want him to die.

I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams