I was dying to see an indepth discussion of Syed's suicide attempt, but as this is Eastenders and chances are it won't happen on screen I decided to do it myself! Set on the day of the initial adoption interview, Christian and Syed discuss the obstacles they face.

I wish I'd known before I'd started how addictive all this fanfic writing is, now I feel compelled to explore every little idea for a Chryed scene that I get! I stayed up late writing this so forgive me if it gets a bit cheesy, and for finishing with a load of Chryed quotes, I was so tired by that point my brain turned to mush and I just wanted to finish it!

Characters belong to Eastenders, no copyright infringement intended.

Christian rinsed the two mugs in the kitchen sink and placed them on the draining board, then headed back to the lounge, Syed was sitting hunched on the L-shaped sofa, "I know it looks tough right now." Christian said, sitting down next to his lover. "But like I said before, we just need to tackle each hurdle one at a time. We're a team, remember." he nudged the smaller mans shoulder with his own. "We can do this."

Syed let out a long sigh, "It's always going to be there isn't it."

"What is?" Christian asked.

"Everything that's happened, they're going to find out about it all Christian, I was so confused, so… messed up back then, but I thought I'd left it all behind, I had left it all behind, even as far as my parents are concerned, they may not have moved on much, but I have, I'm not that man anymore. Now I feel like it's haunting me, haunting us, our future, why won't it just let us be?"

Christian reached for Syed's hand, clasping it firmly, but tenderly between his own, "Look at me Sy,"

Syed turned his head and looked up at Christian and saw the emotion shining in his eyes. Christian felt concern well up inside him, the need to protect the man beside him, to say the words to make his hurt all better.

"You're taking this too personally babe," Christian soothed, "We have to think about this practically, step by step, remember? There are no obstacles we can't overcome, together. We're here aren't we? You and me. Yes, we went through a lot to get here, but we did it, and we can do it again."

Syed smiled a little and looked down at his small hand encased in Christian's larger one.

Christian continued, "Everything that we have been through, it has made us stronger, brought us to the point where we are today. No one's perfect, everyone has a skeleton or two in their closet, I'm sure if we're honest and explain things to the adoption people, how the problems we had at the beginning have taught us valuable lessons, how we overcame them against all odds, they will see the positives. Hell, after everything that we've had to put up with, there's nothing anyone can throw at us that we couldn't deal with… together, right?"

Syed started to hope that what Christian said could be true, that the things that had happened in the past, and the mistakes he had made, wouldn't affect their chances of adoption in the future. "You really think so?"

"I know so." Christian was resolute.

"But how can it not be a problem? I'm married to someone else, a woman." the worry started to niggle it's way back into Syed's mind, as he thought of the list that Diane, the adoption worker had rattled off to them that morning.

"You can get a divorce, there's plenty about nowadays, can't be that hard" Christian said smirking , trying to lighten the mood, but he knew it would be hard to dredge things up again.

Syed rolled his eyes "Yeah, if we can find her, I don't even know where Amira is." His stomach churned at the sound of her name, would she even want to be found? Hopefully she'd put the past behind her, made a new life for herself. If that was the case, then maybe she wanted the divorce to happen too, but then why hadn't she instigated any proceedings? There were so many uncertainties.

"Leave it to the professionals, it can be done" Christian said seriously.

Syed glanced around their small flat, at the large double bed dominating the living room "This flat isn't exactly child friendly" he exclaimed.

"We can find somewhere else to rent, I hate being beholden to Weasley Beale anyway." Christian made a grimace, Syed knew he would love to have nothing more to do with that man after what he had done to Jane.

Syed's face brightened a little, Christian's positivity and determination was encouraging him, "And the salon business is doing well, there's so much potential there Christian, I really enjoy what I do, I finally feel that side of my life is going somewhere, and Tanya's great, a real support"

Christian nodded enthusiastically, "And my training client list is growing and growing, it's what I always wanted, and being your own boss, means you can be flexible, great if you have a family too."

Syed smiled at Christian's excitedment, he gave him an affectionate rub on the arm, "It's great the way you've made your dream into a reality, I'm so glad it's going well, you really deserve it Christian. Yeah, I never felt Masala Queen was my true vocation…"

Almost instantly, Syed's face fell, as he reminded himself of his estranged family, Christian noticed the change and looked worried.

"It's not the only dream that can be a reality, we've just got to be strong, keep believing it can happen…" Christian pushed forward, he could almost see Syed thinking, working things through in his head.

"But what about my parents Christian? They'll be horrified, they can't bare the thought of us together as it is… if we throw a kid into the mixture…" Syed paused for a moment. "How can we show social services we've got a supportive network and family behind us, when my own parents won't even accept that we're together?"

"We've got other people on our side Sy, not everyone is as bigoted as your parents. You've got Tam, I've got Jane, even if she's not here she'll still be in contact. There's Tanya, even Roxy when she's not having a 'moment', there are lots of people on the square who would support us. And who knows, one day, your mum might even remember she does have a heart after all, we're talking about her possible grandchild after all."

Syed looked at him surprised, he'd never even though of it like that. "Well, we need one of my parents on our side."

Then he started thinking, what if his parents shunned a child the way they shunned him and Christian? To bring a child into the mess that was his relationship with his parents, he'd hate that. But then maybe Christian was right, how could his mother resent an innocent, a child? She was a maternal person at heart, growing up she'd always held her children so close, maybe she would come around, maybe she could be a grandmother to their child, Syed let himself dare to think of the possibility.

"See, it's really not as bad as it looks on paper, and I know we haven't been together as long as they would like, but we're in this for the long haul aren't we? By the time we've got a place sorted and you've got divorced, we'll be near enough there anyway." Christian looked towards Syed, hating to see him so vulnerable and upset, hoping to make him see that all was not lost.

But Syed was obviously troubled, there was something playing on his mind. He glanced nervously at Christian, lips parting like he was about to speak, but then he looked away, biting his bottom lip. Christian could guess what he was thinking, the one thing that so far had been left unsaid. He knew Syed didn't like to talk about it, they'd only talked about it once and even then Syed hadn't wanted to go into too much detail, it had still been too raw. Christian slid his palm up Syed's back, rubbing reassuringly in a circular movement before putting his arm round his shoulder protectively.

"But there's the medical records." Syed said quietly. Christian gave Syed's shoulder a squeeze and leaned his head against his lovers, offering a quiet support and gentle encouragement.

"It's not going to look good when they find out I tried to kill myself last year is it?" the painful words came rushing out.

"A lot can change in a year Sy, a lot has changed." Christian said earnestly, turning to look at him.

"We know that, but what if they aren't so sure or think it's too soon. I'd hate for it to all go wrong… because of me." He turned his head to meet Christian's gaze, his eyes wide with fear, hurt and worry.

Christian put his hands either side of Syed's face, looking deep into his eyes. "You're not to blame." he said with conviction. "You're not." he repeated at Syed's raised eyebrows, "To think what you must have been going through at that time, and I'm sure I only knew the half of it, I hate to think of you, in so much pain, so alone, what they did to you, what I… did." Christian's voice broke and his eyes brimmed with tears.

"I'm so sorry Sy, I've never been sorrier about anything in my life before. You needed me… and I wasn't there." he gave a gentle shake of his head and the tears spilled out.

"Christian… please don't, it's ok." Syed said in a gentle voice, he reached up and took Christians hands, then pressed them in turn to his lips, kissing the smooth backs.

"No, it's not ok Sy." Christian pulled his hands away. "I brought your world crashing down around you, destroyed everything you had and then I left you. I left you broken… with them." he almost spat out the last two words, his green eyes flashing, his mouth set in a tight line.

"You didn't leave me Christian, I left you remember? I publicly rejected you and then I ran away, left you to deal with the consequences, with Qadim. It was supposed to be me… you took every punch… for me." Syed felt the tears well up in his own eyes, he reached out to Christain's face, delicately tracing the memory of his cuts and bruises with his fingers.

"And I'd do it again tomorrow." Christian said seriously, his voice low.

Syed's eyes softened, moved by Christian's words, he looked intently at his partner "I thought I'd lost everything, everything that mattered. Destroyed everything and everyone around me with my lies, my deceit… my shame." his voice cracked slightly, Christian made to interrupt, but Syed hushed him by placing two fingers on his lips, and carried on, he needed to say this, for himself as much as Christian.

"My family had disowned me, I had no job and no hope of anyone wanting to employ me, even my religion, my sanctuary, turned me away, and I had no hope of anything being right again because I felt that I was wrong. I couldn't see a way out." he paused momentarily, Christian listened patiently, letting Syed find his words, find his way.

"And then there was you…" Syed's eyes locked on Christian's, "I.. I hated that you were hurting so much, because of me, because I couldn't be what you wanted me to be, and at that point I couldn't, I really couldn't." Christian could see the anguish in his eyes.

"I felt you'd be better off without me." Syed's words caused Christian to furrow his brow and let out a small sigh, but he didn't speak, Syed continued, "I didn't plan it… I mean I bought the vodka yes, and I wanted it all to stop, for the pain, the guilt to go away, but I didn't really think of the consequences… I just couldn't… take anymore." his voice was faltering, he took a sharp intake of breath, his body trembling slightly as he tried to control what he was feeling.

Instinctively Christian put his arms around his lover and pulled him in, his strong arms encircling Syed's small frame, holding him firmly but tenderly against him. He felt Syed relax into his embrace, felt his chest shake as he quietly cried. He held him close, wishing he could have done it then, all those months ago when Sy had been in the mids of despair. Wishing he could have held him then, done something, anything. But he held him now, he was here now, and he was never going anywhere else ever again.

After a short while, Syed's breaths became more regular and he pulled himself back from Christian, his head remained bowed while he took a moment to compose himself. Then he took a deep breath and looked up, his eyes seeking Christian's, they made contact, and the strength of the bond he always felt when he looked into Christian's eyes was unmistakable.

"But I was wrong." Syed sighed, "…but in a funny way right. I thought all the things I'd lost were what mattered most. That somehow all those aspects of my life, added up to me, and without them I had nothing, just this twist inside me, my broken self. But now I know they didn't matter, that they didn't define me, I had to find the real me, accept who I really was. But in fact I had lost the thing that mattered most to me, I'd lost you."

"Never" it was barely a whisper, but Christian said it with absolute certainty.

A faint smile crossed Syed's lips, "You see… I had to go through that, and I had to do it on my own. If we'd got together earlier, straight after it all came out, I'd hate to think what could have happened to us, what I could have done to us, I was still in denial, still resentful, still ashamed…" he paused, before speaking with sincerity.

"I had to accept for myself who I was. That I could be gay and a muslim, and love you, and that there was no shame in that. Only from that point could I move forward, could we move forward, and that's the least you deserved Christian." Syed's eyes lovingly hovered over Christian's face, pausing briefly at his lips before returning to look him earnestly in the eyes. "You're right Christian, we're made of strong stuff you and I, our relationship is built on truth, on respect, on understanding, on love, how could anyone who knows us, knows the real us, not see that?" He smiled, a broad smile that lit up his face and set his eyes aglow.

Christian smiled back, tears in his eyes once more, how could this man not see how amazing he was? He leaned in and pressed his lips against Syed's in a tender kiss, Syed returned the kiss, his tongue flicking lightly against Christian's, slowly becoming more sensuous with each stroke, each nibble, each caress. A moment of love and intimacy, a connection between two men that was natural and instant. They were here together, and it was all good.

THE END