CONTEST!!
Rules: Must have a line about Muffins being better then cupcakes! Must be one chapter. Can continue after the contest is over. Canon pairings. K+-T rating. Genre should be a Humor or Romance or both. Post Breaking Dawn. AND you MUST include Jacob being worse than Edward!
That says it all. But in case you didn't get it, this is a contest fic for jasperthewalkingchillpill. BREAKING DAWN SPOILERS!!! Also, it involves the Virgo coven from Now Who the Heck Saw That Coming.
Onward + Inward! (Oh, wait…huh?)
Cunningham Muffins
By Squint-la
Alice and Renesmee were sitting on the couch, playing with Alice's laptop, when suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Who the heck is that?" Renesmee wondered.
"No idea, why don't you answer it and find out?" Alice said.
"Do it yourself!" sassed Nessie. Alice sighed.
"Fine," she grumbled, walking toward the door. It was Kat and Zeela.
"Oh hey guys, where's Emmi?"
"Hunting," replied Kat, grinning.
"We brought muffins," Zeela added.
"Cool!" yelled Nessie from the couch.
"It is, but we don't eat, remember?" explained Alice.
"Oh, I know, but I'm feeling energized enough to turn you. Are you and Nessie the only ones home?"
"No, Bella, Jacob, and Edward are here. Everyone else is hunting. Don't ask why they're not, 'cause I don't really know."
"Coolness! Where are they?" inquired Zeela excitedly.
"Don't know. I think mom and dad are in the cottage, and Jake's upstairs sleeping," Nessie answered.
"That rocks," Kat said, moving towards Alice. "C'mere! You want muffins, don't you?"
"Yeah, hang on." Alice got up from the couch and leapt gracefully to where Kat was. Kat did the thing with her fingers and Alice was human again. Renesmee looked amazed, as she always did when watching this happen to her family members. Kat and Alice walked over to the kitchen, and Zeela followed suit. Nessie leapt up, taking the laptop with her.
Kat pulled out her bag and spilled the contents across the table. There were about three dozen muffins, of all kinds: chocolate, blueberry, chocolate chip, corn…even raspberry. The three others stared in awe as all of the muffins and two pitchers of unidentified liquid piled up on the dining room table. Kat threw the empty bag off to the side and looked at the others. "Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!"
The four of them each reached for a muffin. They were all gigantic, so it was nearly impossible to take a bite out of them. Alice had to keep wiping her lipstick off of it, and she eventually just gave up and kept eating. Kat had a chocolate one (AN: my favorite), Nessie had a blueberry one, Zeela also had chocolate, and Alice had decided to try raspberry. They ate in silence until Nessie shouted, "Oh! Alice, let me see your laptop!"
Alice handed her the laptop, slowly because she was afraid of what Nessie would do with it. Nessie took it from her and logged on to YouTube. She typed in "Muffins" in the search box and turned it so everyone could see.
"Oh em jay, I've seen this!" laughed Kat.
"I haven't, shush," muttered Alice.
"What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?" the "woman" on the video asked.
"Muffins!" shouted a teenage boy kneeling on the ground.
"That's right," agreed the woman, and she turned awkwardly. She wore an incredibly huge pair of glasses and a really ugly apron. "At Cunningham muffins, we know that muffins make the best breakfast! So why not try all our exciting new flavors!"
The group watched interestedly as the woman listed all their…"interesting" muffin flavors, as they gnawed on their own muffins.
"Raspberry, cranberry, apples, cinnamon, pecan, pumpkin," she said, holding up muffins as she went along. Alice licked her lips; apparently becoming human made vampires hungry.
"Nut, date nut, poppy seed muffin," (she paused and stared at the muffin) "Banana! Orange, peach, strawbry, bluebry, (AN: that's how she says it!) Boisenberry, almond, Choco Choco Chiyup! (AN: also how she says it!) Carrot, gooseberry, pumpernickel," she continued.
"How is this supposed to be funny?" wondered Alice.
"Just wait," said Nessie, grinning.
The image zoomed in on the lady. "Fish," she said, holding up a muffin with a fish head on it.
"Paperclip! Ink, Bird, (AN: it had pink feathers on it) Shampoo! Star wars muffin!"(With a figurine on it) "Bullfrog, crickets, cigarette!" She then held up two, and said "Israelis-Palestinian conflict muffins!" She then bumped the two muffins against each other. Alice laughed, her mouth full of muffin.
The woman continued. "Bits-a glass muffin! Ow! Asbestos. I'm baking muffins asbestos I can! Ahahaha!" She threw a muffin in the air. "Monkey!" Then she caught it in her other hand. All the while, the Virgos, Nessie, and Alice were laughing their heads off.
"Elephant, pencil, newspaper." She then held up the same one, except on fire. "Fyah!" she yelled. "Imaaaaginary muffin!" She stared at her empty hand. "Cartoon muffin!" A cartoon image floated in her hand, then slid away. She watched it, mesmerized. "Blood," she said, holding up a muffin with "blood" on it, as well as all around her mouth. Alice cheered. Kat laughed.
"What muffin would you like for breakfast Johnny?" she asked, turning back to the kid.
"I lost my appetite", said the kid in a really fake voice with a disgusted expression.
The camera zoomed in on the lady's face. "You'll eat a muffin. You'll eat it and LIKE IT!!" She looked back at the camera and gave a huge cheesy smile. It zoomed in uncomfortably close on her eyes, then switched back to an advertisement.
"So try all of our delicious Cunningham Muffins. At Cunningham Muffins!" There was another awkward close-up on first her fake smile, and then her unusually wide eyes. The video ended.
"Okay Nezme, you were right. That was hysterical!" laughed Alice.
"Of course it was!" agreed Nessie, grinning.
"Wow, look at all the muffins!" interrupted Jacob, coming down the stairs.
"Jake!" yelled Nessie, running to him. She wrapped her arms around his legs. He chuckled. She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the table.
"Wow. Where'd you get that many muffins?" he asked.
"Kat," answered everyone there (except Jacob, duh).
"Ah," he replied, nodding.
"Want some?" asked Nessie, handing him one.
"No thanks. Cupcakes are better."
All four girls froze.
"What?" snapped Kat.
"Well, I just said that cupcakes are better than muffins is all," answered Jacob quietly.
"Cupcakes. Are. Not. Better. Than. MUFFINS!!!" screamed Kat. She leapt out of her seat and chased Jacob into the living room, uttering a freaky Indian war-cry, and she grabbed a pillow and pretty much beat the crap out of him with it. Esme, however, has a very unusual attachment to down feather pillows, so she ended up breaking open the pillow, which (as we learned in chapter 5 of Breaking Dawn) will cause the feathers to cover everything in the general area. This made Zeela laugh like an idiot. Alice and Renesmee came over and randomly screeched and keeled over. Jacob and Kat stopped beating each other up and burst into laughter.
Just then, Bella and Edward came in, saw Jacob and Kat on the ground, laughing like crazy and covered in feathers, and started laughing with them, even though they didn't know why they were laughing. (AN: we can all imagine what they were thinking…)
When everyone stopped laughing, Kat turned to Bella and Edward. "We have muffins. Want some? I'm feeling un-tired."
Edward grinned. "Yum, muffins are delicious!"
"Thank you! Jacob here says cupcakes are better," said Kat, rolling her eyes.
"What?!?" demanded Edward.
"I know, right? High five!" replied Kat, raising her hand. Edward slapped it.
"You have SO much better taste than Jacob!" agreed Zeela.
"I know," agreed Bella, and she kissed Edward. Zeela gagged.
Alice got to her feet. "Remember children," she announced, "don't eat glue!"
AN: And it's done! Hope y'all enjoyed my bout of randomness! Fingers crossed I'll win!
The video "Muffins" is on YouTube [dot] com. Just search "Muffins" in the search box at the top. It's the first video on the list.
Oh…wait…PSA!!
Jasper: We hope you enjoyed this little random story!
Emmett: However, there is an issue we would like to address.
Rosalie: The video "Muffins" includes many flavors of muffins that we strongly recommend you not attempt to make.
Emmett: Particularly the "fire" and "cigarette" flavors, as they are highly flammable.
Jasper: Especially dangerous if you are a vampire!
Rosalie: If you feel compelled to make "fish" or "asbestos" muffins, go ahead.
Emmett: Though they will probably be gross!
Jasper: Do not make "newspaper" or "ink" muffins, because you will get ink poisoning.
Rosalie: Don't make "pencil" muffins either, lead poisoning can kill!
Emmett: So good day, twihards,
Jasper: And never, EVER,
All: EAT TOXIC MUFFINS!!
Rosalie: Good night, everyone.