Retail Retards
People Suck
A Verbal Mauling
Well, I know what it's like. I have been there for a year. I won't say what one I work at. I'm not one of importance in the store. I am just another rug to be walked and shit on by the worthless higher-ups. Nothing is good enough. No matter how damn good I do something,which happens very often even if it includes someone else being victimized, it is still that damn bad. Some of you may not care what I have to say. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. But I am sure that if each and every one of you think really, really hard, you can see where I am coming from. And you will, just think. Give it time. My views may only be viewed because I work there and I know what's what. My opinions are my opinions and whoever wants to share them is entirely welcome to share them. My thoughts are thought because, hell, I think about them. By saying people suck, I don't mean all of them. I mean just the ones I am thinking about as I write this. I won't say any names for two reasons. Reason one is that I don't know their names. Reason two is because you probably don't give a damn who I am talking about and just want to hear what I have to say. So, with all that nonsense out of the way, let me begin.
I have a name. They make me wear a nametag. I only wear this thing because like I said, they make me. It's part of what we call a "dress code." This dress code requires you to dress as stupid as humanly possible, including a nametag like some kind of house pet. This does not mean I want people to use my name. The only people that I would like to use my name is the people that know me. People that know me are coworkers and the many non-shopping people that come to visit me. And trust me, there is plenty. I'm not saying that my managers know me as a person. They know my name and can remember it without looking at the nametag. Well, at least that's what I would hope. I don't know about some of them. Like I said, I am just another rug to be walked on. Customers, also known to me as complete strangers, call me by my name. This is one things that scares the shit out of me. If a complete stranger came up to you on the street and started calling your name, naturally you would run like hell. I think the same thing on the street and in the store. There is no telling what kind of gun toting piece of shit will come strolling through these stores. So, in conclusion, my nametag is for people to remember who was rude when they are at the service desk complaining. But would I ever be rude? If I wanted to be on a first name basis with my customers, I would have someone hand out nametags at the door so that they all have one to wear.
If you are looking at 44 televisions all playing the same movie, guess what people. You are in the Electronics Department. There is no need to ask where you are. There is a map at the front of the store for those of you without any logic.
If you are standing in front of a case with 37 cameras on display, I have a hunch that they just might sell cameras there. Nothing is for sure, but the chances are only about 100% that you are in the right place if you want a camera.
The locked cases that contain the video games, and in some cases, DVDs, are, guess what, locked. That is why there is a keyhole there. Don't stand there and try to open it because people are watching that. And when people, especially kind, caring employees like myself see this going on, we laugh until our sides hurt, and also show other people what an ass you are. On the subject of locked cases, if you want to get in, request to get in. Don't expect us to show up and open it without being told you needed it opened. Don't come up and ask me how to get into the case. And don't act so excited about it because I will hesitate to open it. You might just want to climb in or something. If I am behind a counter surrounded by televisions (see above) and cameras (see above), then I probably have something to do with the video games being that they are played on televisions (once again, see above).
If we say we are sold out of something, then we are sold out of it. You can get a raincheck. We will not sell you a display nor will we be able to somehow magically produce this item out of thin air. Deal with it. Rainchecks can be written by me, when I want to, or by someone at the service desk. Your best bet is the service desk though because it's not my problem. Although I know better, I would rather you go up front so there is less that I have to do.
If you ask me something about another area, I will tell you now. I probably don't know the answer and I probably couldn't care less what the answer is. I do what I get paid to do and that's it. The person who works in that area gets paid to work in that area. If you are prepared to give me a little tip from your own pocket, I will be more than happy to make up an answer for you. I will page for someone to help you in that area if you don't have the extra cash to pay me.
If you are not from the United States, you are still welcome in the store. Just please bring a brain. We know your English is not all that swift, but it doesn't mean you have the right to be an idiot as well.
Price scanners are all over the store. There is about four or five in an average store, maybe more or less depending on how poor the store you are in is. We have only one computer system throughout the store, maybe even the company. The price scanner will tell you the same price that my register will tell you. So don't bother me. On the subject of price scanners, if the bar code is not on file, then the item is either discontinued or not from this store.
Sale items are sale items and non-sale items are non-sale items. You should be able to distinguish between the two. We have something that we like to call a circular. There is even SIGNS below the items. You can find this circular in every Sunday's paper. Sometimes, if you are one of the people who have no life whatsoever, you will get one mailed directly to your house. That's right, a retail mailing list for the most eager of us. If a supposed sale item doesn't ring up on sale, then it's the wrong item. It may look like it, but it's not. Trust me. The employee knows best.
When returning something, don't lie about why you are returning it. Tell the truth. We take anything back. We have no return policy whatsoever. That is why we lose so much money. People are closing major amounts stores because of lost money. That lost money happened because people take back half of a playstation game that is 7 years old. People took back a sleeve from a sweatshirt or a belt buckle. Some people even try to return shopping carts....and get away with it. And they have the nerve to call people like me for prices on these things.
Your film is not guaranteed. It says "Next Day Service," but "Guaranteed" is nowhere to be found. The people who develop the film are only human and can only do so much in one day. Some stores have the luxury of one hour photo, but the machine will most likely be down when you go there. We run specials on film which causes high volume of rolls to be developed. If the film takes five days, sure, I won't charge you for it. But if it takes an extra day and you don't want to pay for it, I would rather you go to hell.
Declined credit cards and checks will be declined again. Face it, you're poor. Don't as me why it was declined. That is the same thing as asking me why you are too stupid to work somewhere other than Taco Bell. Call the credit card company and find out for yourself.
If you drop something, pick it up. Don't just look at me like some kind of dog who just shit on a new carpet and knows it was wrong. Didn't your mother teach you how to clean up after yourselves? If you don't, it's going in your cart when you're not looking. And youwill be paying for it, most likely with a fake credit card (see above).
Don't tell us that the lines at other registers are long. We don't care. It's not our problem. Just accept the fact that we are doing you a favor.
Please use other register means just that. If you stand there, you WILL be laughed at and as a special bonus, not get rung up either.
My customers are the most unimportant thing in my life. That makes them important. If I can think about how worthless most of them are for so long, then they must be consuming my time. I care nothing more that to give the worst possible customer service imaginable. If someone bitches at me, they are not going to get what they are looking for. I can guarantee that. I will hide it. I will hold it for some made up customer. I will do anything so that the asshole at hand will go home very unhappy. And maybe so unhappy that his or her children won't have a hot meal on the table that night. He or she will instead be calling a help line or whatever the hell that meaningless number is instead of cooking. I can cause customers to be so unhappy that they can possibly start a fight with the spouse over it and lead to a divorce. A divorce in which the unhappy customer will have to have supervised visits to the kids. I'm sure you get the picture.
Our sale ads are just lists of items that we don't have for that particular week.
Layaway is on the opposite corner of the store from where I am standing. No matter where I am, layaway is on the opposite corner of the store. I'm sorry. I just don't want to tell you where it really is.
The last thing I would like to discuss before I write my mind-blowing conclusion is the people who show up at closing one night so they can get a head start on opening the next day. I work at 8 sometimes and see people sitting in their cars waiting for the doors to open. First of all, you can get in because there is one door that is unlocked, usually the middle one. Secondly, the store isn't going anywhere. I can understand doing this when there is some kind of mega-sale going on, but on a Wednesday is just uncalled for. Whether you're there at 8 AM 10 AM or 12 PM, you will most likely be the only retard in the store on a Wednesday. The same goes for the late comers. Either become one of the early crowd or come during the day. Don't keep us there any longer than we are supposed to be. We wouldn't do it to you.
In conclusion, I don't really give a rat's ass about too much when it comes to working in my hole of a job. I'm too lazy to look for another job, so I stay where I am. The more I hate it there, the more fun I have. Thank you for listening. And stay tuned.
One more thing. Make sure you don't smell like shit when you come in the store.
Please respond with feedback and suggestions on other things I may write about in the future. Remember, it's you the readers that will keep me going and make my work even funnier.
by Frankie Perillo
with special contributions by Mike Scott
E-mail us at:
TylerDurden1012@msn.com or Asinine101@aol.com
MikeS520@aol.com
Feel free to IM us also.
© 2001 Mayhem Industries. All Rights Reserved
People Suck
A Verbal Mauling
Well, I know what it's like. I have been there for a year. I won't say what one I work at. I'm not one of importance in the store. I am just another rug to be walked and shit on by the worthless higher-ups. Nothing is good enough. No matter how damn good I do something,which happens very often even if it includes someone else being victimized, it is still that damn bad. Some of you may not care what I have to say. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. But I am sure that if each and every one of you think really, really hard, you can see where I am coming from. And you will, just think. Give it time. My views may only be viewed because I work there and I know what's what. My opinions are my opinions and whoever wants to share them is entirely welcome to share them. My thoughts are thought because, hell, I think about them. By saying people suck, I don't mean all of them. I mean just the ones I am thinking about as I write this. I won't say any names for two reasons. Reason one is that I don't know their names. Reason two is because you probably don't give a damn who I am talking about and just want to hear what I have to say. So, with all that nonsense out of the way, let me begin.
I have a name. They make me wear a nametag. I only wear this thing because like I said, they make me. It's part of what we call a "dress code." This dress code requires you to dress as stupid as humanly possible, including a nametag like some kind of house pet. This does not mean I want people to use my name. The only people that I would like to use my name is the people that know me. People that know me are coworkers and the many non-shopping people that come to visit me. And trust me, there is plenty. I'm not saying that my managers know me as a person. They know my name and can remember it without looking at the nametag. Well, at least that's what I would hope. I don't know about some of them. Like I said, I am just another rug to be walked on. Customers, also known to me as complete strangers, call me by my name. This is one things that scares the shit out of me. If a complete stranger came up to you on the street and started calling your name, naturally you would run like hell. I think the same thing on the street and in the store. There is no telling what kind of gun toting piece of shit will come strolling through these stores. So, in conclusion, my nametag is for people to remember who was rude when they are at the service desk complaining. But would I ever be rude? If I wanted to be on a first name basis with my customers, I would have someone hand out nametags at the door so that they all have one to wear.
If you are looking at 44 televisions all playing the same movie, guess what people. You are in the Electronics Department. There is no need to ask where you are. There is a map at the front of the store for those of you without any logic.
If you are standing in front of a case with 37 cameras on display, I have a hunch that they just might sell cameras there. Nothing is for sure, but the chances are only about 100% that you are in the right place if you want a camera.
The locked cases that contain the video games, and in some cases, DVDs, are, guess what, locked. That is why there is a keyhole there. Don't stand there and try to open it because people are watching that. And when people, especially kind, caring employees like myself see this going on, we laugh until our sides hurt, and also show other people what an ass you are. On the subject of locked cases, if you want to get in, request to get in. Don't expect us to show up and open it without being told you needed it opened. Don't come up and ask me how to get into the case. And don't act so excited about it because I will hesitate to open it. You might just want to climb in or something. If I am behind a counter surrounded by televisions (see above) and cameras (see above), then I probably have something to do with the video games being that they are played on televisions (once again, see above).
If we say we are sold out of something, then we are sold out of it. You can get a raincheck. We will not sell you a display nor will we be able to somehow magically produce this item out of thin air. Deal with it. Rainchecks can be written by me, when I want to, or by someone at the service desk. Your best bet is the service desk though because it's not my problem. Although I know better, I would rather you go up front so there is less that I have to do.
If you ask me something about another area, I will tell you now. I probably don't know the answer and I probably couldn't care less what the answer is. I do what I get paid to do and that's it. The person who works in that area gets paid to work in that area. If you are prepared to give me a little tip from your own pocket, I will be more than happy to make up an answer for you. I will page for someone to help you in that area if you don't have the extra cash to pay me.
If you are not from the United States, you are still welcome in the store. Just please bring a brain. We know your English is not all that swift, but it doesn't mean you have the right to be an idiot as well.
Price scanners are all over the store. There is about four or five in an average store, maybe more or less depending on how poor the store you are in is. We have only one computer system throughout the store, maybe even the company. The price scanner will tell you the same price that my register will tell you. So don't bother me. On the subject of price scanners, if the bar code is not on file, then the item is either discontinued or not from this store.
Sale items are sale items and non-sale items are non-sale items. You should be able to distinguish between the two. We have something that we like to call a circular. There is even SIGNS below the items. You can find this circular in every Sunday's paper. Sometimes, if you are one of the people who have no life whatsoever, you will get one mailed directly to your house. That's right, a retail mailing list for the most eager of us. If a supposed sale item doesn't ring up on sale, then it's the wrong item. It may look like it, but it's not. Trust me. The employee knows best.
When returning something, don't lie about why you are returning it. Tell the truth. We take anything back. We have no return policy whatsoever. That is why we lose so much money. People are closing major amounts stores because of lost money. That lost money happened because people take back half of a playstation game that is 7 years old. People took back a sleeve from a sweatshirt or a belt buckle. Some people even try to return shopping carts....and get away with it. And they have the nerve to call people like me for prices on these things.
Your film is not guaranteed. It says "Next Day Service," but "Guaranteed" is nowhere to be found. The people who develop the film are only human and can only do so much in one day. Some stores have the luxury of one hour photo, but the machine will most likely be down when you go there. We run specials on film which causes high volume of rolls to be developed. If the film takes five days, sure, I won't charge you for it. But if it takes an extra day and you don't want to pay for it, I would rather you go to hell.
Declined credit cards and checks will be declined again. Face it, you're poor. Don't as me why it was declined. That is the same thing as asking me why you are too stupid to work somewhere other than Taco Bell. Call the credit card company and find out for yourself.
If you drop something, pick it up. Don't just look at me like some kind of dog who just shit on a new carpet and knows it was wrong. Didn't your mother teach you how to clean up after yourselves? If you don't, it's going in your cart when you're not looking. And youwill be paying for it, most likely with a fake credit card (see above).
Don't tell us that the lines at other registers are long. We don't care. It's not our problem. Just accept the fact that we are doing you a favor.
Please use other register means just that. If you stand there, you WILL be laughed at and as a special bonus, not get rung up either.
My customers are the most unimportant thing in my life. That makes them important. If I can think about how worthless most of them are for so long, then they must be consuming my time. I care nothing more that to give the worst possible customer service imaginable. If someone bitches at me, they are not going to get what they are looking for. I can guarantee that. I will hide it. I will hold it for some made up customer. I will do anything so that the asshole at hand will go home very unhappy. And maybe so unhappy that his or her children won't have a hot meal on the table that night. He or she will instead be calling a help line or whatever the hell that meaningless number is instead of cooking. I can cause customers to be so unhappy that they can possibly start a fight with the spouse over it and lead to a divorce. A divorce in which the unhappy customer will have to have supervised visits to the kids. I'm sure you get the picture.
Our sale ads are just lists of items that we don't have for that particular week.
Layaway is on the opposite corner of the store from where I am standing. No matter where I am, layaway is on the opposite corner of the store. I'm sorry. I just don't want to tell you where it really is.
The last thing I would like to discuss before I write my mind-blowing conclusion is the people who show up at closing one night so they can get a head start on opening the next day. I work at 8 sometimes and see people sitting in their cars waiting for the doors to open. First of all, you can get in because there is one door that is unlocked, usually the middle one. Secondly, the store isn't going anywhere. I can understand doing this when there is some kind of mega-sale going on, but on a Wednesday is just uncalled for. Whether you're there at 8 AM 10 AM or 12 PM, you will most likely be the only retard in the store on a Wednesday. The same goes for the late comers. Either become one of the early crowd or come during the day. Don't keep us there any longer than we are supposed to be. We wouldn't do it to you.
In conclusion, I don't really give a rat's ass about too much when it comes to working in my hole of a job. I'm too lazy to look for another job, so I stay where I am. The more I hate it there, the more fun I have. Thank you for listening. And stay tuned.
One more thing. Make sure you don't smell like shit when you come in the store.
Please respond with feedback and suggestions on other things I may write about in the future. Remember, it's you the readers that will keep me going and make my work even funnier.
by Frankie Perillo
with special contributions by Mike Scott
E-mail us at:
TylerDurden1012@msn.com or Asinine101@aol.com
MikeS520@aol.com
Feel free to IM us also.
© 2001 Mayhem Industries. All Rights Reserved