Evil Hippie Death-Camp of Hell!
"I'm so excited about going to see Wilco live!" cried Kurama. "They are such wonderful musicians!"
"Whatever," muttered Hiei. He turned to Botan. "Why do I have to go to this boring hippie concert?"
Yusuke watched as a slender girl in a bikini top and a long denim skirt walked by them. "If I were you, I'd have a good time with some of these 'boring hippies.'" Keiko kicked his shin.
"You have to go, Hiei, because Kurama does not do well on his own at concerts," said Botan. "You remember what happened last time?"
Hiei snickered to himself. "Oh, yeah. How do you forget that?" Kurama almost burned down the concert hall with his lighter (it was a Grateful Dead tribute band).
"Can we go in now, please?" said Kurama. "I can't wait!"
"How come you guys get to go to the cool concert?" asked Hiei, watching the punky-looking people going away from the Wilco concert and towards the Good Charlotte one.
"Because Wilco is a thousand times better than those punk-rock wannabes," said Kurama. "You'll really like it, I promise."
"No I won't," said Hiei.
"Because Kurama refused point-blank to go to the Good Charlotte concert," said Chizuru.
"Because Kurama is too stupid to know what music is good," suggested Kuwabara.
"Come on, Hiei!" said Kurama. "It's starting soon!"
Hiei looked down at his black jeans and black tee shirt. "I feel so out of place around these hippies," he said, pretending to be very worried about this.
"I thought of that," said Kurama. He pulled out a beret and a couple of pins. He put the pins on Hiei's shirt and the beret on Hiei's head.
Hiei pulled off the beret.
"I will not wear this," he said.
"See you!" said Chizuru, as she and the others headed for the Good Charlotte concert. When they had found out Wilco was performing just down the street, they had let Kurama buy tickets for that, instead. And Hiei had been told to go.
"Why won't you wear the beret?" asked Kurama, as they went into the concert hall.
"Because it will crush my perfectly spiked hair," said Hiei, sarcastically. "No, stupid. Because then we will look gay."
"Come on, Hiei, wear the beret," said Kurama, as they went to their seats.
"Don't tell me what to wear, Kurama, until you take a look at yourself," said Hiei. "When does this thing start?"
"In a couple minutes." Kurama looked down at his Peruvian sweater with the sun on it, his jeans with the Om embroidered on them and his toe socks under his Birkenstocks. His head was covered with a knitted watch cap. "And I thought I looked cool."
"You don't, I promise you," said Hiei.
"Hey, dude, what's with the crap vibes?" asked a young woman walking past them. She leaned over Hiei and said to Kurama, "Nice sweater."
Kurama blushed like an idiot. "Thanks," he said.
"See you," she said, and walked off.
"And now," said a voice over the loudspeaker, "Wilco!"
The curtain came up and the band walked on stage.
Immediately, the front man began singing, "I am an American aquarium drinker…"
Kurama stood up, along with a lot of other people in the audience, and cheered. Hiei remained resolutely seated. And then he felt something on the back of his head. And everything went black.
When he woke up, he was tied up in the back of a van. He looked to the left, and saw bags of rice and lentils. He looked to the right, and saw Kurama's hair. They had been kidnapped.
"Wow!" said Yusuke. "What a great concert!"
It was late and they were heading home from the Good Charlotte concert. Kuwabara was still playing his air guitar and singing, "This is the Anthem, throw all your hands up!" and making guitar noises.
"Hey, you guys seen Hiei and Kurama?" said Chizuru. "They're not at the car like they said they'd be."
"Maybe they got backstage," said Botan. "Knowing Kurama, I wouldn't doubt it."
"Nah," said Kuwabara. "Kurama alone, maybe, but not with minipunk."
"He's saved your butt so often, you should be calling him Hiei-dono," said Kieko.
"Peh," said Yusuke.
"Hey, guys, there's a note on the windscreen," said Chizuru.
"What's it say?" asked Botan.
Chizuru read it, then looked up.
"Little brother," she called. "Get over here!"
Kuwabara kicked a rock after some girls with whom he'd been flirting.
"Why do you have to ruin my moves every time?" he asked.
"Because no one's good enough for my little bro," said Chizuru sarcastically. "No, because Hiei and Kurama have been kidnapped."
"Oh no!" said Kieko.
"Oh yes!" said Kuwabara. "No more minipunk! No more minipunk!"
"Kuwabara, if you get much more annoying," said Yusuke, "I will have to knock every stupid tooth out of your mouth."
Kuwabara shut up and stood by sullenly.
"Where do we find them?" said Botan. "Does the note say?"
"No," said Chizuru, scanning the note again. "Yusuke, would you be able to find them, do you think?"
Yusuke shrugged. "Duh."
Hiei awoke to find himself chained to a wall in a dark room. His arms were chained. So were his ankles. He tried to move his head and found that even his hair had been chained.
He looked around the room.
"Damn," he said.
"What was that?" said a voice next to him. It sounded like Kurama.
"Kurama?" said Hiei.
"Yeah?" said Kurama's voice.
"What did you do to get us kidnapped?"
"How should I know?" asked Kurama wretchedly.
Hiei looked around the room again. His eyes were starting to adjust to the dim light. There were great piles of bags of lentils, raisins, oatmeal and rice.
"What sort of a place is this?" he said, feeling a little disgusted.
"From the amount of food they have here," said Kurama, "I'd say it's a hippie commune."
"Damn!" said Hiei again, louder.
Kuwabara peered over the bushes cautiously, until Chizuru yanked him back down.
"Keep your head down, little bro," she said. "We wouldn't want those hippies trying to kill you, would we?"
Kuwabara snorted. "Hippies."
It had not taken Yusuke long to find the commune. He, Chizuru, Botan, Keiko and Kuwabara had driven there as soon as he'd found out its location.
"So, how do we get in?" said Botan.
Yusuke gave a small, evil laugh.
"I thought you'd never ask," he said.
Some time after Hiei woke up, he heard the sound of feet on stairs. The sound grew louder. Finally, the person making it came into view.
He – Hiei thought it was a man, anyway – had long, stringy, brownish hair and a small beard. He wore a tee shirt that had a picture from Alice in Wonderland on it and jeans that were ripped and embroidered with flowers. He had on a long necklace.
"Who are you?" said Hiei.
"Whoa, easy on the bad vibes!" said the hippie. "I'm Zeke. I'll be your caregiver."
"Hey, Zeke," said Hiei, "mind telling us why we're here?"
"Hiei, be polite!" admonished Kurama.
"Kurama, they kidnapped us!" said Hiei.
"Look, dude, I don't know what's got you so bummed out," said Zeke. "You're here to pay the price for your evil doings."
"What are you talking about?" said Hiei. He had forgotten how much he hated hippies and everything they stood for.
"Dude, that Dark Tournament?" said Zeke. "You don't remember? You and all your friends ripped up trees and smashed beautiful rocks. For that, you have to pay. You want some lentils?"
"No," said Hiei.
"Can I have some?" asked Kurama.
"Are you saying I have to wear that?" said Chizuru.
"Got another way in?" asked Yusuke.
The "that" in question was a short sundress printed in blue, gray and purple. It had little silver bells sewn around the hem. She was supposed to wear it with knee-high toe socks and sandals.
"Come on, Chizuru, it's not that bad," said Keiko, who actually rather fancied the outfit she was now wearing, which consisted of a tee shirt, a light-weight skirt and a pair of frayed jeans with fringe sewn on the bottoms.
"It won't kill you," said Botan. She was now wearing jeans and a loose Indian shirt, with a scarf tied around her waist.
"Even I'm wearing this crappy stuff," said Kuwabara. He had put on a woolly sort of jacket thing with fringe and bright colored bell-bottoms, but had neglected to put on a shirt under the jacket.
"Fine," said Chizuru, and reluctantly changed into the outfit.
"Good," said Yusuke, adjusting his rose tinted glasses. "Is everyone ready?"
They all nodded grimly. Yusuke signaled for them to advance to the gate of the commune and they set forth, like a little tie-dyed army on the march.
They met with no trouble trying to gain entrance. The hippies were very open and receiving.
"Sure, brothers," they said. "Come on in!"
Yusuke had to hold back an evil snigger. Kuwabara kept thinking, "These people are so stupid!" Chizuru tried not to think about how much she hated this outfit and how much she wanted a cigarette. Botan and Keiko tried to find out more about the hippies, and see where they were keeping Hiei and Kurama.
That night, Yusuke, Keiko, Chizuru, Kuwabara and Botan slept. They didn't see the dark figures armed with knives creeping up on them, except Yusuke. He was not asleep.
Just as one of the figures raised its knife, Yusuke leapt out of bed with a yell and hammered the figure with a punch to the gut.
Keiko, Kuwabara, Chizuru and Botan woke up at his cry. Kuwabara took down several of the hippies with a stroke from his spirit sword.
Botan caught hold of one of the hippies who was trying to escape.
"Take me to the hostages," she whispered.
He nodded.
Zeke looked at Hiei.
"This is really boring, you know?" said Zeke.
"Yeah," said Hiei. "I'm sure it is."
"You sure you don't want anything to eat?"
"I'm positive. Why don't you just go to sleep, like Kurama here?" Kurama was drooling on his sweater.
Zeke looked a little skeptical. "What if you got out?"
"Chained like this?" said Hiei, laughing bitterly.
"Okay," said Zeke, "but I warn you, I'm a very light sleeper."
"Don't worry," said Hiei.
No sooner had Zeke lain down to sleep than Hiei again heard footsteps on the stairs. Zeke sat bolt upright, and Botan came out of the darkness.
"Hiei, don't worry!" she said. "I'll have you out of here in no time!"
"Sure," said Hiei, rolling his eyes.
"You," said Botan, turning to Zeke. "Give me the keys."
"I can't do that," he said.
Botan sighed and hammered him on the nose.
Zeke squealed and fell backwards.
"Give me the keys," she said.
He fumbled for something on his belt, then tossed her a key ring.
Botan quickly let down Hiei and Kurama.
"Come on," she said, helping Kurama to his feet. "The others are fending off the entire commune!"
She started running up the stairs.
"I can't believe it," said Kurama. "Peace-loving hippies betrayed me."
"Tough darts," said Hiei.
What Botan had said was entirely true. The whole of the hippie commune was trying to tear Yusuke, Kuwabara, Keiko and Chizuru limb from limb.
"I've got them!" said Botan, over the racket. "We can go now!"
"You all go on ahead," said Hiei, carefully applying his feet to various faces. "I'll hold them off."
"But Hiei…" said Keiko. "But… There are so many of them!"
Hiei smiled very slightly. "Have you ever seen that stop me? Now run off, the lot of you. This'll be fun."
"Ooh," said Kurama. "He's got that look in his eyes."
They ran, leaving Hiei alone with the hippies.
He smiled at them, then shouted the last words anyone ever wanted to hear.
"Dragon of the Darkness Flame!"
They saw the carnage even from twenty feet away. Bodies flew everywhere, mangled, bloodied, tooth-marked. And dead. Mostly dead.
It was a good half an hour before Hiei came out of the commune, utterly exhausted, but completely exhilarated.
"You didn't have to kill them," said Chizuru.
"I hate hippies," said Hiei.
"Still…" Kurama started.
"You wanna go start your own commune, fine. Never kidnap me," Hiei snapped. He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "You get that."
Yusuke patted him on the shoulder. "Great job, Hiei."
"Shut up," said Hiei. "And you," he said, pointing to Kuwabara, "you don't even touch me."
"Geez," said Kuwabara. "I was just gonna thank you."
"Do it from ten feet away, please," said Hiei.
"Geez!"
They climbed into their car and drove home into the sunset.
The End!