The Gilderoy Lockhart Show
By Strife
Disclaimer: All the characters here belong to J.K Rowling. I'm only borrowing them so I can do nasty things to them!
Lockhart - And welcome to the show, titled when 'love turns sour'. I'm sure all you witches and wizards here in the audience and watching at home are going to get a kick out of this. Now, meet Hermione. Hermione has a dark secret she's been keeping from his lover Ron. Hermione?
Hermione - Professor, for the last time, Ron is not my lover. You told me this was going to be a lecture...I protest! I protest!
Snape - Quiet girlie.
Hermione - And what are you doing here?
Lockhart - Never mind Severus, his particularly juicy story is on later in the program. Back to you...Hermione, what's been going on?
Hermione - (Ignoring Lockhart) Does it involve Filch? Or at least Miss Norris?
Snape - Fifty points from Griffindor!
Lockhart - fifty points my amusingly charming and handsome arse. Hermione, are you going to tell the crowd how you have been cheating on your lover Ron with none other than Harry Potter? Whoops, looks like I just told everyone that...never mind, Granger, ellaborate. Oh, bugger that. Let's bring Ronald Weasley out.
[Ron comes out looking bewildered. The crowd cheers.]
Ron - What am I doing here?
Hermione - Well apparently I've been cheating on you with Harry.
Ron - What?! That git! I'll kill him, I'll...hang on a minute, are we dating?
Lockhart - He admits it!
[Crowd gasps]
Ron - Did I?
Lockhart - Now let's bring out Potter!
[Harry enters from backstage]
Harry - Hey Ron, Hermione!
Ron - You bastard!
[Ron leaps from his chair and tackles Harry to the ground. The crowd starts chanting 'Gilderoy, Gilderoy, Gilderoy']
Snape - Another fifty points from Griffindor!
Lockhart - Be quiet, you silly pillock.
Harry - Quickly, some motherly figure in the crowd, throw yourself in front of Ron and save me!
Ron - Yeah, like that's gonna work. Don't you touch Hermione again!
Harry - Why not? You're not dating her! And I'm set on 'PLAYER'.
Ron - That's not the point!
Harry - Then what is the (Punch) Ow...point?
Ron - Good question. Good question.
[Crowd chants 'Gilderoy, Gilderoy, Gilderoy'. Suddenly, Victor Krum comes out]
Krum - Hermy-own-ninny, vat is the meaning of this? Don' you love me anymore?
Hermione - Did I love you initially?!
[Harry and Ron come rolling past her feet. Vaguely, you can hear Ron shout 'I'll kill you!']
Lockhart - Oh, another piece to this fascinating puzzle. Viktor Krum, star Quidditch player, what is your attachment to miss Granger over here?
Krum - Vel, I thought I vas her boyfrund. How come you don' love me? Damn it, I have an action figure, you hear me? An action figure!
Lockhart - Well, while this story progresses nicely, (Harry hits Ron with the speaker) I think we'll move to the next one. Meet Severus Snape, who for the past year has been having a very lewd relationship with Miss Norris, Mr. Filch's cat. Woof Woof, aye?
Hermione - Ha! I was so right!
Snape - Lies, all lies!
Lockhart - Of course, Miss Norris is actually known to her friends as Mrs. Norris, seeming she is married to Argus Filch himself. So cough up Snape, why'd you do it?
Snape - I am not having a relationship with a cat. I can't vouch for Filch.
Lockhart - Ah, so you weren't aware of Mrs. Norris' attachments to Filch. You unknowingly touched Mr. Filch's pussy!
Snape - I highly doubt that anyone would want to touch his pussy, Gilderoy.
Lockhart - But you did, you wee devil. Let's bring out Filch.
[Enter Filch]
Filch - He did touch my pussy, you know.
Snape - Hush, Argus.
Ron - You ugly git! You're so proud of that damn scar? I'll give you about ten more to show off!
Harry - (Whimpers) But I'm Harry Potter...someone has to save me...
Hermione - Oh give it a rest. Harry, you're ugly. And Ron, you're an idiot. He ate all my birth control pills! I don't want anything to do with either of you!
Lockhart - Shocking revelations from miss Granger.
Ron - I thought they were Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans...
[Meanwhile, it seems Filch is getting on his knee for Snape]
Filch - Severus?
Snape - What?
Filch - Will you give me the honor of being my wife?
Snape - (Looking bored, pulls out his wand) Petrificus Totalus.
[Filch falls over. Ron loses interest in Harry and starts kicking Filch instead]
Lockhart - (Sighs) Young love...
[Draco Malfoy inexplicably rushes out, leaps onto Harry and starts punching into him]
Lockhart - Another lover of Miss Granger?
Malfoy - Get real. I just don't think Weasley should be having all the fun.
Ron - You get to kick his arse for five minutes, Malfoy. Then I want him back.
Malfoy - What, and I get landed with beating up on Filch? Weasley, the man is lying motionless on the floor, petrified.
Ron - Kicking him is not as easy as it looks.
Hermione - (Kicking Filch) He's right, you know.
Krum - (Sniffling and leaving the stage) I feel like a used tissue...
Lockhart - Well, looks like it's time for our third story. Come on out here, Seamus.
[Seamus comes out and sits on one of the still standing chairs]
Lockhart - Now, Seamus here has been having problems with constant masturbation. He can't get a girlfriend. Mind giving us some details about this.
Malfoy - You so suck!
Seamus - I can't understand it. I have such beautiful Irish eyes.
Hermione - Excuse me Professor Lockhart, but what has that got to do with 'lovers turned sour'?
Lockhart - Nothing. Just thought it'd be good for a laugh.
Ron - No complaints there. Okay Malfoy, it's my turn to hammer Potter some more.
Malfoy - Piss off Weasley... I'll --
[Fred and George rush in]
George - Malfoy! Pansy just got back from the doctors, and it's not yours!
Lockhart - Oh, a little bit of high drama!
Malfoy - What's not mine?
Fred - Her baby, you prat!
Malfoy - We were having a baby?
Lockhart - Congratulations old boy! (Slaps Malfoy on the back, then zaps up a couple of cigars with his wand)
George - Well, it's not his.
Malfoy - Who's is it then?
Fred - Dobby's.
Malfoy - Excuse me?
George - Dobby's.
Malfoy - Well that doesn't bother me. It'll probably bother Pansy though, the whole nation now knows she is sleeping with house elves.
Fred - Probably more well endowed than you, eh?
Malfoy - Seeming I blinked when whichever twin said that, I'm now going to be forced to kick both your arses. You will make things difficult, won't you?
Seamus - (Talking to himself) Such beautiful Irish eyes...
Harry - (Swings punch) Damn, how can I be expected to fight with this weak, girly physique? If only I could remember the incantation that causes brooms to fly up people's arses! Curse it all!
[Voldermort enters]
Voldermort - Harry Potter, you fight like a woman.
Harry - (Tries not to cry) It's just so not fair!
Malfoy - I agree whole-heartedly with the Dark Lord. Way to go!
Voldermort - Be quiet, you piece of blond fluff. (Voldermort pulls out his wand and kills everyone in the audience.)
Lockhart - Damn, there goes the ratings. I think it's time for my final thought. (Rushes to an ugly mural sitting on the wall.) Love always begins so sweetly, and then it comes onto the Gilderoy Lockhart show, and I turn it to utter shit. Which is good, because that's what you want to see, huh, huh?
[Cricket chirps]
Lockhart - Damn it all.
Voldermort - (Killing Lockhart and standing in front of the pink painting.) Until Next time, take care of yourselves, and each other. Bwahahahahaha (Coughs feebly)
End.