Zexion sighed. It was a long, drawn out sigh, the kind that people make when they're tired after a long day of work. Zexion was tired. But that wasn't why he sighed. He sighed because he didn't know what to believe anymore. What was real, what wasn't. He was tired. Tired of trying to figure it out.
Xigbar had seemed perfect. Perfect in every way. From the way he walked, as if he was superior to veryone else and he new it, to the way he smelled like gunpowder and tobacco. His smile, so cocky and arrogant. Zexion should have hated him. He was exactly the type of guy that he had always steered clear of. The type of guy that used people. He knew that about him, but he still fell for him.
It was almost immediate. From the moment he spoke to Zexion, Zexion was wrapped around his finger. How could he have been so stupid? The last relationship Zexion had been in left him in ruins. Broken. He shouldn't have trusted him the way he did. But the next thing Zexion knew, they were spending every minute together. Talking and laughing. Every hug, every kiss. Every last goddamn touch had an effect on Zexion. Xigbar had touched Zexion in a way he had never been touched before. An electric charge that lasted in his skin for hours after they touched.
And then he left. Zexion didn't know where he went. He had no clue. There had been no trace in their apartment that Xigbar had ever existed. Everything from the guns he kept under the bed to the underwear he let Zexion wear after they got out of the shower. Even the smell that the apartment had aquired from Xigbar's prescence had dissapeared. Zexion was angry at first. He knew Xigbar would do this to him. He had known it from the very start, but how do you tell that to the heart? He destroyed half the apartment in a drunken rage that first night without Xigbar, knocking over tables, breaking glasses and dishes.
Zexion managed to pull himself together the next morning. Maybe Xigbar had somewhere to be, he would be back. The next week was torturous. Every night he lay in bed, waiting. Waiting for the soft creak of the bedroom door opening, the muffled ruffling of Xigbar changing out of his clothes. He waited to feel those hands around his waist, the warmth of that scarred chest on his back, the hot breath on his neck. It never came.
Zexion couldn't remember how many times he cried the first month. The slightest thing would set him off. Before he could even attempt to stop it, the tears were rolling down his face. Choked sobs forced their way out of his throat. Every thought, every memory haunted him. No matter what he did, he couldn't get away from Xigbar. The apartment was quiet. There was no noise. Every night Zexion came home from work and sat alone in the dark. Sometimes if he tried hard enough, he thought he could smell him again. He could have sworn he had caught a whiff of gunpowder one night. It was so faint, so miniscule, he almost got up out of his chair and looked for him again. But he didn't. The apartment was empty. There was no point in holding onto something that was gone.
Alone, in the dark. Zexion let his imagination wander. What if Xigbar had stayed, and they had continued on the way they had before? He could see them growing old together, reading books and drinking tea. Sitting on the front porch of the house they would buy, and watching the children they would adopt play together in the yard. And eventually, they would go together. Leave this world of evil and hatred for something better. They would swear that no matter who went first, the other would be close behind. Their spirits would go together into whatever was beyond this life.
That was when Xigbar returned. Zexion didn't remember when. He just woke up one day and he was there, reading the paper like he did every morning. Zexion cried, ran into Xigbar's arms. He stayed there for what felt like forever, safe in his lover's embrace. Life went on then. But things were different. Xigbar didn't talk the way he used to. It was as if he was far away, the words merely echoing in Zexion's ears. And one day when they held hands and walked down the road, talking and laughing, the only thing Zexion noticed was the sad looks he got from passerby, as if they pitied him. He asked Xigbar why, but he just shrugged and looked ahead.
After that day, they didn't go out. They both stayed at the apartment, reading, and drinking tea, and making plans for the future. Every day they sat together and talked. Zexion was happy. But soon the only thing Zexion heard when Xigbar spoke was distant murmuring. Murmuring that sounded as if the sound was being sucked away. Slowly, Xigbar's voice left. His lips would move, but Zexion heard nothing. And Xigbar continued going on, eating breakfast from the pantry that had no food, and reading the paper that never seemed to come anymore, and taking hot showers with the water they couldn't afford to heat anymore.
And then, Xigbar faded away completely. Not only his voice, but his face too. And then his body. Day by day Zexion watched Xigbar disintegrate into nothing but yet another memory. Zexion begged him not to go again. He sobbed, staring at the fading body of Xigbar. And as the last trace of his lover dissapeared, Zexion whispered one last goodbye. "Wait for me."
Zexion sighed. It was a long, drawn out sigh, the kind that people make when they're tired after a long day of work. Zexion was tired. But that wasn't why he sighed. He sighed because he didn't know what to believe anymore. What was real, what wasn't. He was tired. Tired of trying to figure it out. He took a deep breath. None of it mattered anymore, and that comforted him. Soon he would have him again. Perhaps not in this world, but they would be together again. Zexion sighed one last time, then stepped forward, his feet meeting empty air, and the noose tightening around his neck.