I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair
A song fic with a difference – and not quite what I imagine Ella Fitzgerald intended…
Spoilers: Umm, Kerry is a lesbian, Cleo is going out with Peter. Think that about covers it. Make sure you know to the end of series 7 and you'll be fine.
Disclaimer: I wouldn't want to own neither Cleo nor Kerry (sorry to fans of either of them out there) as they are both currently annoying me.
Authors notes: This is a song fic parody. Get that? It is making fun. There is no point to this fic, no plot, just pure and utter slash fluff and an alternative way to get rid of some of my least favourite characters. So, please, don't get offended with me…
Dedication: Happy Birthday Laura, hope this makes your day…
~*~ I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair ~*~
It was a normal Friday night in the ER. The drunks were singing, swaying in the breeze of the fans (for the AC had buggered up once again) and none of the doctors were shining with enthusiasm for their jobs.
Kerry was sitting at the desk, attempting to get some paper work done, and was getting more and more pissed by the fact that the fans blew the sheets every where when they faced her.
There were no patients to treat (god forsake the idea that she treat a mere drunk) and Romano was no where to taunt. Or for him to taunt her about her recent declarations.
It was only because Romano had shunned her advances so many times that she had decided to teach him a lesson. Surely he'd want her if she were unavailable?
The lesbian plan came into full force then.
Unfortunately it seemed too good an idea, and Romano had shown no extra interest in her, despite the fact that she had chased Kim around for months (as much as possible when Romano could see this) and so perhaps she should just stay a lesbian for now. He'd show interest sooner or later.
Hopefully later, though, cause she was getting bored of the whole thing.
And getting none.
Unlike the rest of the staff.
Abby had Luka (and probably Carter on the side, not that she could blame the younger nurse, both were irresistible, shame she wasn't their type…) Mark had Elizabeth (tee hee, she only imagined what would happen when he found out Susan was returning…) and Cleo had Peter.
It was most depressing.
However, Cleo was working, so that made her feel better.
She and Cleo had become friends over the past few months, what with them both being prejudiced against. Yes, they had a lot in common.
There were no children for Cleo to treat, and quite frankly she was sick of it. Well, actually, she couldn't care less, since she had no idea how to treat children as she hadn't had to deal with one in over a month. That was everyone else's job.
She was glad that she was working as Peter had begun to start getting on her nerves and she needed some time away from him. And as for Carla. Well, she'd been hanging round far too much for Cleo's liking, and Cleo was looking forward to the time when she could kick her ass. Any reason would do. Really.
Not knowing that Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough was far superior to any other flavour (especially vanilla) would be reason enough at the moment.
Cleo sighed as she sat on the chair next to Kerry.
She wondered whether Kerry would know that Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough was the best flavour of ice cream, and decided that she would. Kerry knew everything.
In fact, she could do with some ice cream. It might be late, but it was still far too hot.
Cleo phoned the local take out store and placed her order.
Then sat back and waited.
The drunks were still being untreated, but she didn't care. It was then own goddamn fault for getting so drunk in the first place. They could wait a while. Until Peter came on in the morning. She was sure that she could use some of her charms to persuade him to treat a few.
Offer him sex and he would do anything.
Literally. Which was quite disturbing, actually.
She wondered what life would be like without him.
Probably better, actually. He was beginning to grate on her nerves. Which was saying something.
And then the ice cream came. Cleo paid the delivery guy, and then grabbed the large, cold, icy, refreshing carton as though it was the last in the world ever.
She opened it up, and then decided to offer Kerry some. Kerry was her friend. She knew what it was like to be prejudiced against, and although she was white, she wasn't bad. Not like the rest of them.
Kerry accepted the offer and they ate in silence whilst the drunks bugged them.
Kerry told all the drunks to piss off, and being drunk, they were easily influenced, and so left almost as soon as she said. Apart from those who had passed out, obviously. But what could you do?
So, Kerry and Cleo were left alone in the ER. The rest of the staff were no where to be seen, and so Cleo suggested that they put on some music.
Kerry agreed, and immediately pulled out a cassette which had conveniently fallen into her pocket that morning whilst she was getting ready for work.
She put the tape into the player and put the volume on high.
The first song to play was Ella Fitzgerald's 'I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair'.
It seemed perfect.
Cleo listened intently to the words.
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
And send him on his way
I'm gonna wave that man right out of my arms
I'm gonna wave that man right out of my arms
I'm gonna wave that man right out of my arms
And send him on his way
It seemed to describe the exact way that she was feeling in life, with Peter, Carla, Reece, Carter (cause, let's face it, who didn't fancy the little white guy? Too bad Abby got there first) and also Kerry.
Maybe this was the message that she needed to receive. The push in the right direction.
Don't try to patch it up, tear it up, tear it up
Wash him out, dry him out, push him out, fly him out
Cancel him, and let him go, Yeah, sister
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
And send him on his way
Kerry also listened to the words, feeling like she understood exactly what it was saying in a way that she never had before.
If the man don't understand you,
If you fly on separate beams
Waste no time, make a change,
Ride that man right off your range
Make a change, it said. Perhaps she could stop pining over Romano and go for the other lifestyle that she had tried in the past unsuccessfully.
The song was giving her a new understanding of life. She didn't need a man in her life.
This song was made for her and…
Drop him out of the roll call
And drum him out of your dreams
If you laugh that different comics
If you root for different teams
Cleo listened to the last line and realised eventually what it was telling her. 'If you root for different teams'. The song was telling her to dump Peter and find a new life with…
Waste no time, weep no more,
Show him what the door is for
Drop him out of the road hall
And run him out of your dreams
Oh no, Oh no,
I'm gonna rub, wash, wave, rub the man right out of my hair
I'm gonna rub, wash, wave, rub the man right out of my hair
Don't try to patch it up, tear it up, tear it up
Wash him out, dry him out, push him out, fly him out
Cancel him, and let him go, Yeah, sister
Kerry met Cleo's eyes. And she could see the same need, a want, in them. Suddenly, Kerry's life had come into focus, and she wasn't going to let anything stand in her way. Not Romano, not Peter, not Kim and certainly not Carla. They were predestined for one another, and the song was all they needed to realise the true depths of their emotion.
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair
And send him on his way
And send him on his way
I'm gonna send him, send him on his way.
Hesitantly, Cleo edged forwards towards Kerry. And Kerry, taking this as a positive response, leaned forwards.
Closer, closer they came, their lips almost touching, before Cleo stood up.
"This isn't right!" She declared. "I can't be with you. As much as I want it, I can't. It would be wrong, and it would seem as though you were taking advantage of me." She began crying at this time. She grabbed Kerry's hands, trying to sound even more sincere. "I just can't do that to you Kerry. It would kill me, my heart would be forever broken in two. But, I need to tell you this one thing – I love you. I love you more than the highest mountain, the deepest valley, the widest river. I'll never get over you." She tried to calm herself down, and Kerry pulled her into a hug. She then promptly stopped crying. "Besides, what about Peter?"
"You can dump him." Kerry suggested, and with that Cleo knew everything would be alright.
They leaned in towards each other again, and Kerry could feel Cleo's breath on her lips. She closed her eyes. Nothing happened. She opened them again. "What are you doing?" She asked.
Cleo looked over at Kerry from her position by the phone. "What? I'm dumping Peter. The fun of this night is only just beginning." Kerry nodded her agreement. What could be more fun than dumping someone so arrogant and unloving? "Hello? Peter?" Cleo asked. "Yeah, forget about that arrangement. Forget about all our arrangements. I don't want to go out with you anymore… why? because you're a dull, misogynistic bastard who couldn't see a good thing if it came up to you and proceeded to do the funky chicken in front of you. I've found someone else, someone better. Bye." And with that she hung up the phone and embraced Kerry, and they shared their very first kiss.
"I think I love you." Kerry said quietly after they'd parted. "And I'm only ashamed that it took me so long to figure it out. Marry me!" She asked, producing the ring that had miraculously appeared in her pocket, perhaps it too had fallen in there this morning.
"Of course. But we can't do it here. Let's run away to The Federated States of Micronesia!" Cleo shouted happily.
"Where that?" Kerry asked as they grabbed their coats and exited the ER.
"Hell if I know."
Epilogue
Peter was so heartbroken over the fact that Cleo had dumped him (well, was a bit pissed off with the audacity of it all, really, it was his job, damnit) that he left and went to live in North Dakota with some people who danced the funky chicken everyday.
Romano didn't even notice the departure of Kerry, and gladly welcomed Susan Lewis into the department to take Kerry's position.
Mark ran off somewhere as his contract finished.
Elizabeth moved in with Susan and they brought up baby Ella together.
Carla was never seen again on screen, and it was thought that she and Roger got back together after she'd had treatment for the schizophrenia she had briefly developed.
Abby and Carter and Luka decided that having three of them was possibly even better than two, and so they all got married to each other and had lots of babies.
Kerry and Cleo were never heard from again, although they did send Carter a postcard from Chuuk in the Federated States of Micronesia. It was assumed that they lived happily ever after, although they never did get that Ella Fitzgerald tape back…
The end.
Yes, I'm weird.
Yes, I'm twisted.
However I challenge you to come up with some more creative adjectives to describe me…
Feedback is muchly appreciated, although I must say, this was written for Laura, so I don't care what you think… although writing to