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Once again… I'm attempting a fic. Considering that the last several have been more introspective than anything else, I'm trying for something that might fail at being comedy, but is at least lighthearted. Bear with me. Parts of this fic have been lying dormant since December, but were kept in their stay-fresh packaging for later reference. ^_^ The scary part is… I don't remember having been that interested in Joker so far back. ;o)
-Bottou-chan
* * *
"Call for you, Tatsuko. Line two," buzzed the voice on the intercom. Tatsuko picked up the receiver.
"Moshi moshi." She cradled the receiver between her cheek and shoulder as she shuffled through papers at her desk.
"Oi, Dragon-girl!" came a cheerful voice across the line.
Tatsuko paled. "Don't call me that!" she whispered fiercely into the receiver.
"Why not?" inquired the voice. "It's just you, me, and the phone, right?" The voice was a good reflection of the person behind it. Cheerful and laid back, almost arrogant in its confidence, yet impossible to dislike.
"Joker, look. I'm at work… call me later at the apartment, okay?"
"I know you're at work," he answered, sounding almost offended. "I dialed the number, right? But look, I have a message for you. From Kurei-han."
Tatsuko reached for a pen and paper. "Go ahead," she said.
"You and two other girls. Friday night. Kurei-han wants you to be at the mansion at 8 PM sharp. Full costume. He was thinking Yoko gets along well with the guys. So does Demi."
"I don't know… I think Yoko'll be pretty mad. She said something about a date that night… Demi's awfully busy, too. She's been working on her thesis pretty hard and doesn't want any distractions. Now, Inoko or-"
Joker gave a short laugh. "Oh, please," he said cheerily. "Tell them to complain directly to Kurei-han if they've got a problem. Otherwise, we expect to see you there. The mansion. Friday night. 8 PM. Got it?"
"Got it," Tatsuko sighed reluctantly.
* * *
Tatsuko looked excitedly at the combatants as she clutched her microphone. "Raiha versus Mikoto versus Mokuren versus Natsuko! Hajime!" She waved her free hand in the air and brought it down in a signal to begin.
Raiha picked up the dice and rolled them. "Five," he said. "One… two… three… four… five. Reading Railroad… I'll buy it."
"$200," said Natsuko, who was playing the banker.
"And Raiha moves the little top hat across the board… five squares… he has landed on the first railroad… Raiha has bought the first railroad of the game!" Tatsuko jumped excitedly. "This is exciting!" Inwardly, she groaned to herself, ::I don't think I can keep this up for the full game…::
It was game night for the Uruha. Menou, a blue-haired girl associated with Genjuro, and Natsuko, a green-haired woman under Mikoto's protection, were newly incorporated into the group of assassins. Though not everyone showed up for game nights, there was still a sizeable crowd in the suite. Kurei, Joker, Neon, and Aki were standing off in one corner, playing billiards. Miki and Jisho had a darts game going on, with Demi keeping a running commentary. Menou, Koganei, Kirin, Tsukeshiro, Gashekura, and Yoko were playing charades. Yoko had supposed to have been refereeing the game, but had been dragged in when Magensha hadn't shown up to complete one of the teams.
Joker leaned against the wall, watching as Kurei took his shot. "Oi, Neon-han," he said. "The UBS III is coming up pretty soon. I hear Mori's throwing a big party for the sponsors. Some of us peons are planning on crashing it… wanna be my date?"
Neon rolled her eyes at him. "First, I'm not a peon," she said, "And secondly, I don't enjoy his parties. I used to work at them when I was the maid… some of the people he invites can be very objectionable. I can do without that."
"Ah, but there's the beauty of it," said Joker, nodding knowledgably. "They'll see that you're with me-and they'll know they haven't got a chance at distracting you from my amazing wonderfulness. So they won't even try. You'll be safe from unwanted advances."
"All except yours, Joker-san," she replied sweetly. "Excuse me, I believe it's my turn." She strode over to the table, leaning over to take her shot.
* * *
"Kirin, put your madougu down. No fair cheating," reprimanded Gashekura gently, as she and Menou attempted to guess Koganei's charade.
"It's a movie… and a book… and a play… and a tv show," said Menou, watching him.
"Two words… second word," said Kirin. "Fry, frying, pancakes, stove, oven…?"
"Sounds like, fingers… palm… hand…?" guessed Menou.
Koganei shook his head fiercely. Why wasn't this working? He sighed and tried to think of something.
"Sounds like… Raiha, Kurei, Gashekura… they're male… they're men… sounds like man?" asked Kirin. "Frying again, pancakes, pot, popcorn-pan! Second word is pan!"
"Peter Pan!" said Menou, smiling brightly, and Koganei tapped his nose joyfully.
"Yayyy!" he said, plopping onto the couch. "That's another point for us… your turn."
As Yoko went and drew a slip of paper from the bowl, Tsukeshiro looked at Koganei irately. "I was closer than either Kurei or Raiha… why didn't you point to me when you pointed to Gashekura?"
* * *
"And Miki's dart is worth fifteen points-except it's in the double-score loop, thereby awarding her thirty! What will she get with her next throw?" Demi's voice was hushed with excitement.
Miki turned irately towards the mouse-girl referee. "It can be a bit difficult to concentrate, with you going on like that," she said, her voice tinged with annoyance.
Demi bowed her head and folded her hands neatly. "Gomen, but I was told this was what I had to do. If you ask Kurei-sama nicely, perhaps he can find something else for me to do." ::Or let me go home,:: she thought wistfully. Still, it looked like this would go on late enough so that she, Tatsuko, and Yoko would have to overnight it at the mansion. She suppressed a shudder. Oh, how she hated that idea… bad things tended to happen here.
* * *
A shrill scream split the night. Screams were commonplace at the mansion; still, everyone was perfectly aware when and where screaming should occur. Screams did not occur at three o'clock in the morning, coming from the kitchen, and so several roused themselves from bed to investigate.
Demi was standing by the kitchen door, sobbing uncontrollably. "There's a, ah, ah, a dead bo-bo-body on the flo-flo-floor," she gasped through her heaving sobs. She looked gratefully up at Raiha, through teary eyes, as he tried to comfort her.
Raiha glanced at Kurei as his master entered the scene. "It's Natsuko-san," he said solemnly. "I looked-I didn't see any marks on her. But she's dead."
Neon tied the belt to her robe and frowned. "Who was here besides us?"
"No one," said Kurei coldly. He didn't like the idea of one member of his Uruha offing another. Especially a new member. One which he hadn't had any mileage from yet.
"Do you realize what this means," said Joker, suddenly looking very solemn. "That means that one of us… is a bloodthirsty killer." He inhaled his breath sharply, looking around suspiciously. "It could be you… it could be you… it could be me, and I don't know it…" He grinned widely.
Neon looked at him scornfully. "This isn't a time for you to be so foolish, Joker-san. I'm going to go check the premises. Miki, Aki, come with me. You others can do what you feel like, but I want to make sure no one broke in and did this atrocity."
"I'll go collect the ones who sleep like… the dead," said Joker, allowing his voice to drip ominously. "The ones who are sleeping peacefully shouldn't deserve such luxuries, when the rest of us are wandering around at an ungodly early hour in the morning. My sleep was ruined. Their sleep should be ruined, too. Besides," he added brightly, "We can have a grand inquisition with Sherlock Joker, like in those old murder mystery movies. Come on, Kirin-han. Help me rouse the others from their sweet dreams." He and she hurried off.
Raiha sighed. "Are you going to be all right, Demi-san?" he asked in concern. "I have to go now… but if you want to cry on Mokuren-san's shoulder, I'm sure he'll make you feel better."
Demi miraculously recovered enough to pull away from Raiha's comforting arms. "No-o-o thank you-ou-ou," she gasped. "I-I-I'm okay." She smiled a weak, watery smile at Raiha and made her escape.
* * *
Joker strode through the game room, his hands clasped behind his back, in his best imitation of a classic detective.
"Who would want to murder Natsuko-han?" he asked, gazing solemnly up and down at the assembled Uruha. "Well, let me tell you. There were a lot of people. Natsuko-han wasn't a very nice person. That's why she made it into the Uruha. And she has only been here for a short time, but she succeeded in making a lot of enemies in that time."
He wheeled and turned upon Neon, who looked startled.
"You!" he said, pointing an accusational finger at his fellow Jyushinshuu. "You, I know, had a grudge against the girl. Remember what happened four nights ago?"
"I had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner," replied Neon dutifully.
"That's not what I meant," frowned Joker severely. "This is no laughing matter! But, if you'll think back-unless you've blocked it from your memory-there were several of us playing 'Truth or Dare'. Natsuko-han was there. You were there. I was there. And would you mind telling us what happened?"
Neon's eyes widened, and she blushed crimson to the tips of her ears. "Natsuko-san dared me to… do something," she said, looking evasive.
But Joker was showing no mercy that night. "For the record, would you mind telling us _what _ she dared you to do?"
Neon scowled. "shedaredmetokissyou," she mumbled.
"Louder, please? I believe Mokuren is a little hard of hearing."
Neon sighed in exasperation. "She dared me to kiss you," she said ferociously. "And I did."
"And you liked it!" laughed Joker triumphantly. "Admit it! It was at that point that your heart swelled for me, and you could no longer deny yourself the truth that you are, in fact, hopelessly in love with me. You had been hiding in denial all this time we've worked together… and that one moment, you could no longer continue to keep up that charade of indifference. You felt weak. You felt wobbly-eyed. The blush of apparent affection was plastered upon your nose, plain for all to see. And so you felt resentful, that in a matter of moments, Natsuko-han had managed to crumble into dust all of your self-illusions about being indifferent to my charms! Resentful enough-" and he dropped his voice melodramatically "-to kill her."
Neon was staring openmouthed at him. She was about to say something, but the first word stuck in her throat. She obviously didn't know where to begin her refutation. So instead, she took a couch cushion and slammed it into Joker's face.
He grinned cheerily at her, before moving on to his next victims.
"Miki-han, Aki-han. You two are very close to Neon-han, ne? Perhaps Neon-han didn't have to dirty her hands herself. Perhaps one of you-both of you? took the initiative! You were resentful of Natsuko-han, and how she had cracked Neon-han's glacial exterior. You wished to avenge Neon-han, and so you took it upon yourselves to wreak vengeance in her stead. With Natsuko-han dead, she would no longer be part of 'Truth or Dare'. With Natsuko-han dead, there would be no one foolish enough to dare Neon-han to kiss me. Not just any kiss, like a dutiful peck on a relative's cheek. But a real kiss, full of longing and desire and hormones and-"
"You're obsessing over that, aren't you?" inquired Miki, looking thoughtfully at him.
Joker ignored her. "Anyhow, it's a possibility," he said, cutting short his accusation against them.
"Gashekura-han," said Joker, moving on to him. "You, too, had a motive for killing Natsuko-han. You fight to become stronger. But Natsuko-han didn't want to fight you. You felt snubbed. And so you would force her to fight. So you ambushed her while she was in the kitchen, getting a late-night snack of milk and cookies! But it was not a fight… it was a murder! She didn't have her weapon on her at the time of death."
"If I used my Morning Star, I would have squashed her to a pulp," said Gashekura reasonably. "And if I used my armor, there would be a large hole in her midsection."
"That's what you'd like us to _think _," corrected Joker, grinning brightly. "So to throw us off the trail, you would've gone for something a little more subtle. Think about it… and sweat." His voice dripped ominously, before moving on to Tsukeshiro.
"Ah, Tsukeshiro-han! You had a motive for murder. The other day, you and she were playing racquetball. Natsuko-han was good. She was so good, in fact, she trounced you severely. But that's not why you were bitter. Oh, no. You were bitter because sometime during the process, you misjudged where the ball would bounce. And do tell, where did it hit?"
Tsukeshiro looked up with a plainative expression. "My face," he said, almost a sob. "My beautiful face-it left a bruise-it's still there, even, but you can't see it."
"Ah, was that the reason for the makeup?" inquired Joker. "I thought you were just feeling inspired by Kurei-han." He heard the jangle of bracelets, and quickly resumed his thread. "But you swore to hurt her in vengeance for what she had done to you. Did that lead to your camping out all night long in the hopes that she would go down to the kitchen, where you could ambush her?"
"I'd have sliced her in half with my weapon," responded Tsukeshiro. "Besides, I already got my vengeance. I pushed her down a few concrete stairs, and she skinned her knees."
"Ah, but _I _ know and _you _ know that a pair of skinned knees aren't going to atone for the damage she had caused you," responded Joker wisely. "You were out for blood…"
"She had to use two bandaids," offered Tsukeshiro.
Joker gave him a long look before moving on to his next victim. "Kirin! Perhaps you had a motive?" He bent down right into her face, peering at her.
Kirin waved her madougu right back in his face. "I know you don't suspect me," she answered calmly. "So go on to the next person, and don't waste everyone's time more than you have to."
Joker looked disappointed. Mikoto was sitting next to Kirin. "You'd kill anyone for anything," was all he had to say.
Mikoto didn't argue.
"You'd kill anyone for anything, too," he told Mokuren, who was sitting close to Mikoto, his arms wrapped around her waist. "But you'd make them scream first. The first scream of terror we heard was from Demi-han. So it couldn't have been you. But it could have been… Jisho-han!"
"You forgot me!" said Koganei, waving his hand in the air. "You skipped me!"
"Oi, I did, didn't I! You shouldn't sit on the floor like that, you might get overlooked or stepped on-"
"Or saved from a string of ridiculous accusations," suggested Neon softly, to Aki and Miki.
Joker pondered the issue for a moment. "You, Koganei-han, had a motive. I address the other members of the Uruha… what if this seemingly-innocent little boy had a crush on Natsuko-han? What if he was innocently noshing on his milk and cookies, when Natsuko-han entered the kitchen? She was wearing her negligee when we found her. Her robe was cast off to the side as though in a struggle. What if this boy had confessed his love to her and tried to kiss her? Or worse? What if, I ask you, he killed her when she rejected his amorous advances!"
Neon stared. "The kid's what, barely twelve?" she said. "Boys mature more slowly than girls do… I don't think they can do things like that at that age… can they?"
Koganei's ears turned crimson and he stared at his shoes.
"It doesn't matter if it _could _ happen… it matters if it _could have _ happened," answered Joker, trying to look wise. He couldn't resist adding with a smirk, "We can play 'Truth or Dare' and find out."
Koganei's ears turned even redder and he tried to become invisible. No luck, but fortunately, Joker had gone back to Jisho.
"Jisho-han! Could it be true that under your soft, gentle, kind exterior lurks the heart, body, and soul of a killer? Could it be that, being probably the oldest of the Jyushinshuu, minus Genjuro-han, you were feeling a bit uncomfortable at this new slew of recruits we've taken in? Could it be that you are insecure in your abilities, now that the blossom of your youth has faded? Could it be that you felt your position endangered by Natsuko-han's mere presence? Could it be that you sensed in that girl such potential that you feared for your position? Could it be?"
Jisho only stared. "What do you mean, blossom of youth has faded?" he asked challengingly.
Joker grinned. "Oi, I'm only teasing you, Jisho-han. But I didn't want you to feel left out."
"How kind," murmured Neon in an acidic tone.
Joker now stood in front of the purple-haired ninja. "You, Raiha-han, are practically Kurei-han's right hand, ne? Yet you saw that this Natsuko-han was romantically interested in him. You were remaining loyal to the memory of Kurenai-han, and you did not wish for Natsuko-han to pursue her advances towards him. Instead of asking her nicely to find someone else to stalk, you instead used your ninja stealth techniques to dispose of her without leaving a trace of violence upon her person." He clasped Raiha's shoulders and bent down to his head level. "Or perhaps you were just upset she beat you at Monopoly, ne?" He clapped Raiha on the shoulder genially, and then moved on to Menou.
"Menou-han! Welcome aboard! I understand that you have a few reservations about your position. But that's only to be expected. You'll get over them soon enough. We all did. Some of us did it faster than others. Others, I doubt had any inhibitions at all in the first place." He glanced significantly at Mokuren. "But could it be… you were jealous of the attention given to Natsuko? Were you upset that you weren't the only new girl? Were you longingly watching the fun Natsuko, Raiha, Mikoto, and Mokuren were having playing Monopoly? Were you bitter than she got to play Monopoly, while you had to play charades? And wasn't your day just ruined when your team couldn't figure out 'Popeye the Sailor' within the time limit? Wasn't your heart and soul flooded with bitterness and anger? Didn't you have to take out your angst on someone? Was Natsuko-han convenient enough for you? How clever! How very clever! But not clever enough to get past my eagle eyes."
"I can't see your eagle eyes," said Menou softly, looking up at him. "Your mask and your bangs get in the way."
"They're amber with gold flecks," he said. "It's the new official unoffical color of my eyes… until proven otherwise. Clever of you, changing the subject like that. But not clever enough to throw me off the trail completely!" He spun on his heel and confronted Yoko, Demi, and Tatsuko.
"Oi! Dragon-girl! Mouse-girl! Ram-girl! Could it be a conspiracy on your part? Perhaps you're tired of being the ref's. Perhaps you wanted to play Monopoly. Or charades. Or darts."
"No I didn't," whispered Yoko, but Tatsuko poked her in the side with her elbow.
"If you answer him, he'll only talk for longer," she reprimanded.
"Or perhaps, after the last UBS, you found yourselves secretly wondering what it was like to be in a fight. What it was like to draw blood from your opponent. What it was like to kill someone with no consequences. And so you chose Natsuko as your target. The three of you ganged up on her and cut her down in her tracks, unsuspecting that such dangers were lurking in the kitchen."
"But there was no blood," began Demi, and Joker focussed his attention on her.
"You think it's clever, conveniently being the one to discover the body? 'Oh, boo-hoo, comfort me, Raiha-han, there's a dead body in the kitchen, boo-hoo-hoo.' Little did he know as he attempted to comfort you in his arms that you were part of the plot to destroy Natsuko-han. And let me tell you. There are always consequences. And in this case, the consequence is the swift justice of Joker!"
Demi's lip trembled. "She wa-wa-wa-was dead," she sobbed, breaking into fresh tears.
Tatsuko tried to comfort Demi, but glared at Joker. "You made her cry," she said darkly, but Joker had moved on to fresh prey.
"Ah, Kurei-han!" he said, drawing himself up in front of their leader. "You think perhaps-perhaps because you lead the Uruha, you won't be suspected? You think perhaps-perhaps because you have so many minions scurrying to do your will, you'd be overlooked as a suspect who took it upon himself to dispose of an undesirable? Let me put this to you. What if, I say, what if the girl Natsuko-han came to you with her feminine wiles. What if you were in the kitchen, finding your own late-night snack, when she crept up behind you in her little negligee, and put her arms around you, whispering her words of endearment? And what if Kurenai suddenly leapt from your arm in a rage to protect you from her advances?"
"Kurenai can't do that," said Kurei emotionlessly.
"Oh," said Joker, looking disappointed. "But! You can see that _every single person _ in this room has a motive for killing Natsuko-han. But you know what? I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, whodunnit."
"Then for crying out loud, tell us, so we can deal with them and go back to bed!" exclaimed Neon.
Joker made his way towards the door, and posed dramatically in the doorframe. "It was Mikoto," he said, jerking his thumb casually in her direction. "Natsuko-han played banker. Natsuko-han embezzled. Mikoto-han takes her Monopoly seriously. Mikoto-han's the only one allowed to play dirty. Mikoto-han murdered Natsuko-han."
"How stupid. You can't expect us to believe that, can you?" asked Neon.
Joker grinned fangedly at her. "It's true. Kirin used her madougu to read her thoughts when we woke her up."
Kirin made a face. "Remind me never to read Mikoto's thoughts again," she remarked to no one in particular.
"There was a lot of interesting stuff in there." Joker was grinning fiendishly now. "Mi-ko-to and Mo-kur-en, sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g," he chanted under his breath. "And a lot more than that."
Neither party seemed particularly perturbed.
"It's true," said Mikoto nonchalantly, and no one dared ask if she was referring to the murder or to something else. "I didn't like how she was playing… so I pricked her with one of my poison nails. She didn't suspect a thing until it was too late."
"So, Joker-san, you mean to say that you've known this for the last hour, and you have only just bothered to tell us now!" exclaimed Miki, upset.
Joker spread his hands innocently. "How fun would _that _ have been, ne?" He yawned and stretched. "I'm going back to bed… g'night."